Resentment

[PS78]

I'm looking for advice on how to stop resenting my partner. We have a 2 year old son and he stays home while I work three jobs. I went on maternity leave a week before he was born and had to go back to work when he was four weeks old (partner says we couldn't afford for me to take more time off). I have to stay away most weeks and only see my son at weekends. My partner was workshy before the baby (contraception failure).
He just whines endlessly about EVERYTHING!! How hard it is to be home, how I do nothing. Nothing is good enough and he can do no wrong. If anything happens the baby while he's with me I'm a terrible mother, if something happens when he's with him it's just a childhood thing.
He drinks every night on the money I'm earning to buy a house, he's judgemental and criticises everything I do and say. I get told I'm lazy and can't do anything right.
I really feel that I hate him, I want to scream it in his face at the top of my lungs 'I FUCKING HATE YOU'!! I really do. BUT I don't want to feel angry ALLL the time, it affects our family life. When he starts whining and moaning these days I've just stopped caring. I don't care about how he feels, I don't care about what he says. If he walked out tomorrow I'd be delighted.

I'm not sure if I'm just being resentful though because I wish I was home all the time, I've missed out on so much. But he wants a house (a least five bedrooms) and he wants a new car (a 4x4) and he wants to do flying lessons and I've to pay the bills. I don't get to put my son to bed or drink every night. It's starting to affect my mental health and don't know what to do anymore. How can I feel happier in myself until I'm in a position to either leave or face the issue?

But op, I don’t understand. It sounds like you earn the money, and you are not married to this lazy waste of space. Why are putting up with this shit....? Genuine question...

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

Why do you want advice as to how to stop resenting him?. Any woman would resent being used like you are being. What is the situation re the property and finances?.

How can you be helped into ridding yourself of this leech and abuser of a man permanently?. He has champagne tastes, drinks every night and wants you to pay for it all!!. How is it he is staying home whilst you're out there working 3 jobs?.

What do you want to teach your son about relationships and just what is he learning here?. Come to think of it as well, what did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

He will continue to affect your mental health also as long as he is at all in your lives. Indeed why are you putting up with this shit?. Is your self worth that low that you think this is all you deserve from a relationship?.

I wouldn't care about how he feels either because he certainly doesn't care a jot about you.

Infact calling you a bad mother ect...ge us a pretty disgusting jerk tbh. I wouldnt want to live with someone that treated me with such contempt. Let alone pay his way.

Can you look at practical steps to removing him. Then he can sign on and you can hopefully claim some child support. Or perhaps even work less but claim some child benefits to help with any daycare he cant provide from wherever he winds up.

Dont waste your life with an arsehole.

OP, your self esteem must be on the floor to tolerate this.

You need to work on looking after yourself, getting stronger and then you'll be able to deal with the dead weight. He's doing his utmost to make you feel inadequate because deep down he knows he is.

You're worth better.

He sounds like a twat. You arent married so get of him and stop facilitating his behaviour.

Dump the lazy arse.
You don’t need 5 bedrooms or 4x4 to make your son happy.

Your useless partner can go and earn a living for his champagne lifestyle.

Thank goodness you’re not married.

Please leave ASAP, if your partner drinks every night he might not be fit to look after a child.

Take your son and go.

Youd be delighted if he walked out but why don't you? What's stopping you?

He sounds vile , what a lazy slob .. you need to make him get a job or better yet just leave him! Cut your hours get maintenance off him and spend time with your child these are years you can never get back xx

Why doesn’t he work?

Is there some important information missing from your post OP?

Because I'm not understanding any of this. Is your partner disabled in some way?

But he wants a house (a least five bedrooms) and he wants a new car (a 4x4) and he wants to do flying lessons and I've to pay the bills.

If he says he wants these things with a straight face he is absolutely taking the piss and I don't think I could respect him much to be honest.

What obstacles are stopping you from leaving? Are you both on the rental agreement? Could you get one of your jobs at least to pay into an account just in your name so you can save a deposit for a rental to leave? Can you stay with family or friends, drop a job or two, keep the job that has childcare friendly hours and put DC in childcare? Their are probably more options available to you then you realise. If you list the obstacles that stop you leaving posters on here may be able to help you leave sooner.

My main concern OP is that he will use his position as SAHD and the fact that you sometimes only see the baby at weekends to try to get custody.

He could make you out to be so work obsessed and uninterested in the baby that you went back to work when the baby was 4 weeks old....but hopefully a sympathetic judge might take that in your favour and believe that you were pushed into going back so soon.

My end game would be to leave with my baby but I would be very cautious in your situation.

How much does he drink? does he get drunk? That would hopefully go against him but how would you prove it? Maybe someone on here has some advice

Chuck him out of your house and your life

Look into getting an aupair - get rid of him.
Then when you have a happy baby and safe home plan your future.

I think you need to look at changing your job first so that you are around for your son ... then plan your escape.

Honestly I'd work out what he actually adds to your life and have a good think about whether or not your life would be easier if he wasn't in it.

Your poor poor baby left 24/7 with this hideous drunken specimen who cannot be capable of nurturing, encouraging, attuning to the developmental needs of a baby. This is a shocking environment in which to raise a child.

Is your DC at nursery?

Well here goes, my first ever

LTB

He brings absolutely nothing to the table, we are not talking about a bit of tinkering around the edges to realign the balance of the relationship. He is lazy, disrespectful, has addiction issues, entitled and let's be honest a very poor prospect to be making any kind of future life with. He is not going to have a Damascine moment and see the light, he will wring you dry of any self esteem, money and prospects of a happy life. And you are allowed to be happy, you know that don't you?

Have you told him to get a job so you can buy a five bedroom house and a 4x4 ? I expect you must have?
What did he say?
Get rid of him.

Oh for fucks sake. Surely you can see this man is an absolute tosser? To be honest, I'd have a hard time respecting someone who tolerated that treatment from their DH.

She can’t just leave folks - he’s the primary carer and no doubt he has parental rights.

OP you need to change your lifestyle so you are your child’s main carer. Establish that as the norm, Then leave.

Who owns the house you both live in?

Who cares for your baby when you work away and your partner is drunk?

This one's easy.
Never marry this man.

You save and buy a smaller house for you and when you have your son.
He can sort out his own living conditions and transport.
If you didn't have this excuse of a man draining your resources you could work less and see your son more.
You are your child's parent not his.
You can do things your own capable way without criticism all the time.

Do not marry him.
Plan your independent living.
Don't tell him until you are ready to go.
You can do this.

Don't look back.

Thank you for all your replies. To clarify he doesn't get drunk he just drinks, he is a good dad I won't take that away from him regardless of our other issues. I wouldn't leave my son with him if he was whatever the cost. We both own the house.