Resentment

[PS78]

I'm looking for advice on how to stop resenting my partner. We have a 2 year old son and he stays home while I work three jobs. I went on maternity leave a week before he was born and had to go back to work when he was four weeks old (partner says we couldn't afford for me to take more time off). I have to stay away most weeks and only see my son at weekends. My partner was workshy before the baby (contraception failure).
He just whines endlessly about EVERYTHING!! How hard it is to be home, how I do nothing. Nothing is good enough and he can do no wrong. If anything happens the baby while he's with me I'm a terrible mother, if something happens when he's with him it's just a childhood thing.
He drinks every night on the money I'm earning to buy a house, he's judgemental and criticises everything I do and say. I get told I'm lazy and can't do anything right.
I really feel that I hate him, I want to scream it in his face at the top of my lungs 'I FUCKING HATE YOU'!! I really do. BUT I don't want to feel angry ALLL the time, it affects our family life. When he starts whining and moaning these days I've just stopped caring. I don't care about how he feels, I don't care about what he says. If he walked out tomorrow I'd be delighted.

I'm not sure if I'm just being resentful though because I wish I was home all the time, I've missed out on so much. But he wants a house (a least five bedrooms) and he wants a new car (a 4x4) and he wants to do flying lessons and I've to pay the bills. I don't get to put my son to bed or drink every night. It's starting to affect my mental health and don't know what to do anymore. How can I feel happier in myself until I'm in a position to either leave or face the issue?

You’re in a great position to walk out. You’re the wage earner, you hold all the cards financially. You say you hate him, and would be delighted if he walked. Make it a reality. He’s a ball and chain and you should cut him loose and be in charge of your own future. It’s not often I say give up on a relationship, as sometimes it’s worth putting in the work to change things, but in your case I would say leave and don’t look back.

@PS78

Thank you for all your replies. To clarify he doesn't get drunk he just drinks, he is a good dad I won't take that away from him regardless of our other issues. I wouldn't leave my son with him if he was whatever the cost. We both own the house.

So he has, what one drink a night? If it’s not a problem, why did you mention it in your OP? Do you grudge him having one drink while he sits home alone 5 nights a week?

If you want go leave him, you need to change your job so you can be around for your child half the time. Then you can leave your partner, sell the house and do 50:50 childcare. Because if he’s a good dad then you won’t want to take your child away from him.

Yes I do begrudge it! He's alone because he's alienated his family, cut off his friends and tried to do the same with mine. I haven't had a day off in nearly a year, not one day and I work 14-16 hour days yet I still get told I'm lazy. Hes happy to tell me about all the levels in computer games he's done and that his favourite part of the day is sitting down after our son is in bed and having a glass of wine. I haven't been able to do that in so long, I haven't been able to even read a book! Of he'd a less shitty attitude I'd begrudge him nothing but I get home on a Friday and have to clean the weeks dishes because 'he was too tired'. I'm tired, I'm fucking exhausted! I don't want to take our son from him I want to take me from him.

@PS78

Thank you for all your replies. To clarify he doesn't get drunk he just drinks, he is a good dad I won't take that away from him regardless of our other issues. I wouldn't leave my son with him if he was whatever the cost. We both own the house.

He's not a good dad if he is treating you like this. Making you go back to work 4 weeks after you had your baby. How dare he. He is taking your childs childhood away from you.

What a fucking loser. Get rid, sounds like.yoill be so much happier without him.

Ime people who use their phones a lot or get into games ignore their small DCs.

Lose the job due to mental health problems, get signed off by your GP, take your baby, you are not responsible for earning so don't, tell him to go to fuck and go on benefits. I wish I had instead of fighting on and on and a few years on benefits would not have destroyed my career.

Why on earth are you putting up with this shit?

A scrub is a guy that thinks he's fly
He's also known as a busta
Always talkin' about what he wants
And just sits on his broke ass

Good Lord - why on earth are you with such a fucking entitled loser!!???

He 'thinks' he's got you exactly where he wants you because you are relying on him for childcare.

It won't get any better until you extricate yourself from this entitled using bastard.

You've got 3 jobs!! I can't tell you on here what I would be doing to the bastard!!

My advice would be for you to think about what you really want out of life and make those changes. You have a lot of power in this situation whether you realise it or not.

First your jobs. Do you need to work so much and away from home? Can you take some ownership of the finances and see if you could live on less? Try changing your work situation first which sounds exhausting.

Once you are working normal hours and able to take an active parenting role with your child you can assess what you want to do about your relationship. Maybe once you are spending more time at home you will feel less resentful of your partner. It can't be a barrel of laughs being stuck at home with a small child on your own all week either so I can see his side of things.

If however he continues to do less than you feel is his full share and you are still angry about this, then you should consider leaving.

Get legal advice about the house and custody of your child. UnIike most of the pp I don't advocate you taking the child and leaving. He is the primary parent and the best thing for the child in the event of a split will be continuity of care, which means staying with him. If you want to be a 50/50 parent you need to make that happen now and for a sustained period prior to a break up.

I also wanted to add my sympathy - this must be crushing for you, but you have the ability to change your own life if you want to, even though it will be tough

@AlizarinRed

Look into getting an aupair - get rid of him. Then when you have a happy baby and safe home plan your future.

Is that a serious suggestion?!? I work THREE jobs to make ends meet, if I could afford an au pair I wouldn't be working three jobs!!

OP what is his reason for not working??

If you are worried about custody of the kids I would go to an Alanon meeting. One it will be great for your mental health, and two, they can write a letter for court to show you have been attending and trying to cope with his drinking as best you can.

@PS78, you are in a tough spot.

Planning is the way forward to give yourself some choices. I am not wise enough to offer advice on the relationship as I believe we can’t change other people just how we respond.

You’re working three jobs to make ends meet. What does your budget look like? Do you know where all your income gets spent? Can you cut costs on your outgoings, the Martins money website is really good with ideas and support (on energy/ broadband etc).

Do you know if/when your free childcare kicks in and could that make a difference?

Are you claiming all the benefits/support you can?

There will be a way out of you working all hours but it will take some investigation/planning and time.

Let this be the start.. good luck you sound like an awesome Mum..

I hope you laughed in his face when he mentioned flying lessons. Is he going to look for work when the DC start school. Cutting you off from your friends is controlling.

You work 3 jobs, you are NOT lazy...I’m sure you know this.

Working 3 jobs (while your partner works none) and coming home only to do the weeks dishes is NOT reasonable.

He has essentially taken your child away from you, yet your worried about taking your child from him!!! You don’t get to spend time with your son, you don’t get to put him to bed, you don’t even have the time to spare to read a book or a glass of wine for yourself. Yet your selfish clearly lazy workshy waste of space partner brags about his game play, and that his favourite time is when he gets to sit if his ass with a glass of wine while you work your fingers to the bone. This is absolutely not ok, not in a million bloody years.

He has taken your baby, when baby was so tiny, forced you back to work, and he has done all this intentionally so he can sit in his ass and be provided for, so he can be the lazy abusive shit he is!!! He is also continuing to keep your child from you, he keeps you working not just for the money, but because it prevents you from being closer to your child. He calls you lazy snd demeans you in whatever way possible to keep your confidence as low as possible, lest you wake up and realise he is taking you for a right mug and leave him.

He is using your child, you financial situation and your work against you. He is not a great partner, he is absolutely and utterly NOT a great father, no good father seeks to rip his child from their mother and continually over and over repeatedly prevent you and that child form a relationship and have a bond. He has thought/planned/carried out that by making himself indispensable to your child that he could force you to be the breadwinner, and basically do all the shit work he doesn’t want to do.

It doesn’t have to be this way OP, you don’t have to be this, you don’t have to do this, he is weaker than you think, and you are stronger than you think.

So I take it the main concern you have is childcare arrangements should you split? The environment your child is in is toxic, they will at some point, pick up on your partner’s behaviour towards you, and goodness knows what the affects of that will be? Do the financial implications of a split out way the possible physiological damage this situation could have on both you and your child? Yes, being a single parent is hard, but rather that then the situation you are in now.

Also given the level of abuse at play here I really would be wondering if failed contraception was not actually failed, but instead intentionally sabotaged by him, precisely so he could create the situation you are in right now.

I don’t know what form of contraception you were using but he could have put holes in the condom, could have even tampered will your pill.... who knows, but given what you have posted I wouldn’t put it past him.

You are working 3 jobs because you want to?.
Why dont you literally just STOP. Keep one job and come home at a reasonable time. What exactly is stopping you.

Have you looked at your finances? It sounds as if he keeps tally and tells you what's needed. You need to work out incomings/outgoings and see if you really need to be working 3 jobs.

And take a week off. Everyone needs a break sometimes.

Next question is... could he take over one of your jobs?

Split up, sell up and start again.

OP, what were the circumstances prior to you becoming pregnant? Was he working? It is very unusual to have 5 weeks off work when you have a child and him saying you had to go back after 4 weeks is really bad. Most men would be working to allow their partner the chance to recover from giving birth and to bond and look after their newborn. Telling your partner to get back to work after 4 weeks is very poor.

What are your finances like? Does he contribute anything? Benefits? Who controls the finances and do you know what your expenditure is? You say in your OP that you “have to stay away” for most of the week. Is that because of your job, well one of your jobs? How did it even come about that you took on 3 jobs because I’m assuming that 1 of them is evening/weekends which your DP would surely be able to do. Are you working to finance his lifestyle of a 5 bed house, 4x4 and flying lessons? Could you live on your salary from 1 job?

Sorry for the millions of questions, but what you’ve written sounds like a form of financial abuse. Do you feel able to say to him you’re done with working 14 hour days and want to look at dropping a job, putting DC into nursery for a few hours a week and for him to get a job? If not, then you may be in a controlling relationship which means the advice you need is going to be different. He’s making you work 3 jobs so he can stay at home while you get no chance to see your son and that is not acceptable. If he’s the SAHP then he should be doing all the housework including having a meal ready for you when you get back from work and making sure all the shopping is done and you have clean clothes to wear to work. He also needs to be taking care of all the life work that needs to be done and I’m guessing he doesn’t.

Be careful OP, if he’s doing most of the childcare he may well be able to take the child with him, and then you’ll be on the hook financially anyway. Go see a family lawyer and discuss your circumstances.