My wife doesnt love me - should I leave?

[losthurt76]

Hi everyone, I would appreciate some perspective and thought here.

I met my wife 12 years ago and married 8 years ago. We have 2 beautiful kids, 4 and 7. Since our second was born, we've been having issues and have grown apart.

My wife suffers from depression her whole adult life and it was really bad after our second was born. She's never really had the same level of zip as before, even now.

We've been to counselling on/off for 3 years now. In the last 2 years she has suggested separating twice, most recently 4 months ago. I honestly think that this is the depression talking. SHe has deleted all adult relationships in her life and I am the last one. By deleting me perhaps she thinks things will get better. She has a low level of resilience and can easily/ unexpectedly tip into deep depression.

I am so proud of my marriage, and my family. It breaks me that we have come to this. In the last few months, I have come to the realisation that I cannot will her to want this marriage, to work on our communication and discover the new 'us'. My wife has no energy and is spent every night after the kids go to bed. This is true even on days where she spends 1 hour with kids and I do everything else relating to the kids and my work (she doesnt work).

I should say she is not a bad person, but is clearly battling some demons. There is no affairs or anything like that (yes Im sure). I still believe in our marriage and would give anything to make this work.

Recently, I am beginning to feel that I need to move on. I do not see any effort to work on us (although previously agreed). At this stage, I am willing to stick it out only if we can have an agreed plan. I am not asking for her to love me unconditionally or for us to be sexually active etv, I am simply looking for confirmation that 1) she wants to make this work and 2) will commit to some joint actions. Is this foolish? Should I just leave, however hard it is for me? I feel deeply hurt/sad and fear that I will resent her and be a bad father for my kids if we continue down this path.

I would really appreciate some thoughts, particularly from those who have experienced similar episodes.

Thank you in advance.

I've not experienced this situation, but yes I think it's reasonable to communicate with her about your concerns and how unhappy you are in the relationship.
Does your Dw get medical support for her depression? If not thats the first thing.

Hello!
You sound lovely, firstly.
I don’t have the same experience but my marriage is similarly disappointing and there’s a lack of effort from my husband to improve it.
I’m not ready to give up because I want my family to be together and I’m clinging on to the past. But I don’t think that’s the right thing.
It’s really hard.
I think if you can honestly say you’ve tried your best and done what you can to make you he marriage better, there has to come a time where you give up. It’s not fair otherwise.

She sounds like she needs a break, like, she's bored and exhausted. I reckon before separating, give her some serious time off to see if it helps. Like a full day a week to go out, or she could study something, or go on holiday without you guys. Being a mother can be really draining.

It would be really hard for your children to grow up with a single parent who is suffering from depression. Would you be able to manage the lion’s share f custody?

She is taking medication and has in the past sought counselling. She is not seeing a counsellor now and that is one thing that we argue about. I think its important but she sees it as just another 'thing to do'. This is a frustration for me, but from her perspective, everything (including making the bed, taking a walk, talking on the phone) takes effort and she only has that much in the bank for each day.

SHe has been away for a week (last week) and have regular 'days off'. I did think this would help and we have done that in the past few years but its really just driven us further apart as individuals. SHe says now that we have nothing in common, but partly that is because one of us has to look after the kids and if she's out doing stuff Im here. She's been studying as well since she stopped work but this has up/down as it furstrates her when it gets challenging .

If we come to the point where we separate. I will want majority of custody because of her mental state. It is difficult/ unusual for the father to be granted this, I understnad. In any case, Ive not looked in this just yet...

I do really feel like Ive failed my kids if I give up. I know people say otherwise but this is how I feel :(

Do you think she adequately understands the practicalities of separation? If she has little energy now, how does she think she’s going to cope without you around at least half the time, especially with no other adult relationships in her life?

If there weren’t kids involved I’d tell you to go now as she sounds like an emotional weight that’s dragging you down. As it is, there has to be a point sometime in the future where you have to start to prioritise yourself - fit your own oxygen mask first, then you can be of help to others. At that point, just go and leave her to figure it out on her own - go for full custody on mental health grounds if you think appropriate.

I should add that she is exhausted all the time. She feels drained and to her our marriage is the only acceptable casualty left.

I find that hard to take, and truly believe that if we chip away at it things will slowly improve. But this will take action and time, which adds to her exhaustion....

Would she consider changing her meds? It doesn't sound as though they're doing her any good at all.

@5pForAPlasticBag

Do you think she adequately understands the practicalities of separation? If she has little energy now, how does she think she’s going to cope without you around at least half the time, especially with no other adult relationships in her life?

If there weren’t kids involved I’d tell you to go now as she sounds like an emotional weight that’s dragging you down. As it is, there has to be a point sometime in the future where you have to start to prioritise yourself - fit your own oxygen mask first, then you can be of help to others. At that point, just go and leave her to figure it out on her own - go for full custody on mental health grounds if you think appropriate.

I dont think she fully understand this until when we spoke last night and I asked her to play out what the different options are.

I agree in that these decisions are infinitely easier without kids. I have to say that she is an AMAZING mum most of the time when she's with them, and the kids adore her. She does things that I cant do or simply dont think of doing with the kids.

@rockinaftermidnite

Would she consider changing her meds? It doesn't sound as though they're doing her any good at all.

She recently did and I think she's a little better energy wise. I think she is open to this, but the big thing I feel is counselling, and acting on what she learns from those sessions, which she has been bad at.

Well she may have imaginative time with the kids which is great, but kids predominantly need a solid routine of food, homework and bedtime.

It sounds like it's strayed into full blown chronic life altering depression and I agree those meds seem to be doing little.

Is she compliant with them?

As far as I can tell she is.

If you'd ask me up until ~6 months ago, Id say all this is the depression speaking, and dealing with that will eventually deal with the marriage. But since then she's shown less and less interest to try to have a relationship, and for the first time I am considering life after marriage.

I've had depression before and that comment you made about limited energy even to make the bed takes me back to a time that was horrendous.

You actually sound very understanding and supportive. Is she possibly pushing you away because she doesn't want you to have to live this life with her? I know I felt horrendously guilty about the depression and it was a difficult time for all of us. I still feel guilty looking back. In my case antidepressants didn't work at all, a lot of counselling is what made the difference so I agree with your persistence but ultimately it has to be her that does whatever she thinks is working.

She sounds like she has given up on you, and that must be a difficult thing to take.i think maybe at this point you need to start thinking about where your line in the sand will be because this is a horrendously stressful way to live.

I do really feel like Ive failed my kids if I give up.
Please absolutely do not think this. I grew up in a home where there was clear issues between my parents and I was walking on eggshells for most of my early teenage to adult years. I fucking hated living at home and I begged my mum to leave at one point because they were both clearly so unhappy and I would have given anything to see them alone but happy. Even though they didn’t argue in front of me (much) there was an underlying bubbling resentment and no love between them which has skewed my relationship expectations too I think. You are not failing your children by walking away from a one sided relationship! Plus, You’ve not just given up at the first hurdle. You’ve attended counselling (together I presume?) but she’s now disengaged with her own personal counselling and she has asked to split several times. You said it yourself I cannot will her to want this marriage.

But, the partners of people with MH issues are often overlooked. You’ll have people jump on to tell you you’re abhorrent for even thinking about leaving a woman with depression, but I’m the depressed partner and I can tell you, even on my worst days and lowest points you HAVE to stay engaged with professionals and communicative otherwise the toll it takes on the other person is too much. What about YOUR mental health? That’s important too. And walking away from a relationship simply because you’re unhappy is enough of a reason.

When you discussed the practicalities of splitting last night what was her reaction talking through the scenarios ? Would a short separation be practical? It might be an answer to give you both an idea of how life would work alone? I would insist she needs to return to counselling and stay engaged with professionals to give this a fighting chance though.

“She feels drained and to her our marriage is the only acceptable casualty left.”

If accurate, that is quite sad but speaks of someone unwilling to accept their own part in a situation - that’s a common psychological flaw - looking everywhere but the right place to lay blame. That’s why I said previously that leaving might force her to recognise that she has cast off all the people/reasons for her unhappiness and yet still it persists. It might make her take ownership but processes of cognitive dissonance (lying to yourself) often act to block that growth - no matter where you go, there you are, I’m afraid.

You both have my sympathies OP. I don't know if you've had depression yourself, but I have and I cannot overstate how incapacitated it made me.

Everything exhausted me, seeing people, talking on the phone, bathing, brushing my teeth, eating, watching TV etc. If it wasn't just lying limply in bed feeling numb and detached, them I really struggled to do it.

I didnt have kids at the time thank god, but I had a cat and I vividly remember the "turning point" for me was my cat biting and scratching the living shit out of my arm because I hadn't got up to feed her yet, and just lying there hardly feeling it. She was quite a vicious little thing and even at the point that she was drawing blood I still couldn't find the energy to even move my arm away from her. That was my "rock bottom" so to speak.

So I totally feel for your wife, I can't imagine how much harder that would have been with a family around me. Of course unlike your wife my meds worked pretty fast once I started taking them. It sounds like your wife is walking a more complicated path.

Are there any other medical options you can escalate too? I would just really try and implore her not to make any drastic choices until her depression is better controlled. But make sure you're treating yourself kindly as well OP, because as much as my heart goes out to your wife I don't doubt how hard it is for you to live with either.

I dont think she's pushing me away out of guilt. I honestly dont feel she sees the good in her world often, but can pick apart whats bad. I dont mean that as a criticism, just what it is right now.

Yes she has given up on me, and this is what's triggered my current train of thought. It sucks.

My wife is not in a state where we can have long constructive conversations about hard reality questions like what will happen if we split etc, so we didnt have a long chat about it, but it was the first meaningful one. She gets very emotional and upset and conversations just stops or gets ugly. (I dont think she's using it as an excuse to get her way btw)

We are not in a financial position to live apart without selling our current home so probably no to short separation unless you mean something else? I definitely agree with counselling, and yes we have attended marriage counselling together and she has attended her own (as have I).

I want to say THANK YOU EVERYONE for your messages, it helps just to talk through these things, and I am very grateful for everyone who took time to write.

I am afraid of what will happen next. Partly because I can see logically where this will end up. I remain hopeful, but I feel this now has to be guided by practical go / no go steps. I really hate that its come to this. Its killing me just thinking about it.

The illness of her depression is stripping her of everything she's got and when she no longer has you or the kids with her, I suspect she will still not have the energy to tackle whatever is left in her life as the root cause is still there even if the 'demands' are fewer.
I think she is sleep walking off a cliff by disengaging with the counseling etc, but some people do lose everything and realise too late pushing away those things that seemed hard work but were actually the fabric of their life is not an improvement, alcoholics do it, people suffering depression, all kinds of people.
It doesn't sound like you can do much more than you have to fight for what you've got. The only thing that's going to rescue this situation, if it can be rescued, is for the depression to be overcome so if there are any avenues left to try to have her want to do that it would be worth a go.
What a sad situation for everyone involved.
I hope a path can be found for you to find a better future.

There is also a possibility she doesn't get better. After all, this is lifelong already and as you say she has little resiilience.

In which case the kids will be growing up in a home dominated by depression.

One home that is rock solid and dependable may be in their best interests, even if they have to share time between two homes.

Can I ask you what you've noticed she enjoys? Are there any moments where things seem easier for her?

I'm wondering if you can identify an 'in' somewhere from which you could build outwards to get her the support she needs.

Eg. She always seems in a better mood when you are snuggled on the sofa. Maybe you could broach the topic of couples counselling then, and actually do it remotely together. Then it's not so much "another thing to do" or for her to tackle (or fail to tackle) alone, but an activity linked to working together and supporting eachother. Walking 20 minutes in the cold to a personal counselling session is way less appealing than making a cup of tea and getting comfy for a Skype session with your partner by your side. So I wonder if there are maybe some ways to tweak things slightly to make it less "big" a thing for her. It might give her the strength to eventually take the reigns herself?

I think you need to determine if she wants the relationship to continue, this is my honest view from where I sit, am not suggesting this is the case with your wife.

I don’t suffer with depression but I no longer love my husband, we have 1 DC,

Have you asked her friends or anyone she is close with how she is with them?

Am saying this as when my husband is not in the house I feel great I have energy I do chores etc but when he returns home I feel the anxiety creep in and then I will metaly detach my self from being in the house, it’s a coping mechanism for myself,

He’s a kind man and I hate to hurt him I can see if happening, we’ve had conversations about separating but he just repeats that he’s in it for the long term won’t accept my thoughts as my own as he thinks am depressed because I’ve stopped engaging with him as a partner should.

You need to talk to her and judge how the land lies,

Hope you can get your relationship back on track

Sometimes the person who has depression needs to commit to making change. Otherwise there is victimhood and you and your children's lives will be damaged by her refusal to acknowledge her own role in recovery.

I would ask her to go back to the GP to check her physical health for Vit D, thyroid etc as well as discuss how it is on the current meds.

Do you think her getting out the house to do voluntary work every day could help - literally a couple of hours per day?

She is clearly in a very bad place and seemingly not doing anything to help herself

Trial separation - does she have family and friends that she could go stay with?

There is a limit to how long you can carry on for in the current situation before it is actually damaging to you and the DC. Perhaps you're already there or perhaps you need a time limit in your mind.

When DH wasn't doing anything it became a condition of my staying and making our relationship work that he went to a therapist weekly and engaged with trying.

I have depression and have been in a place like your DW but fortunately kept going, I have to say bizarrely working was probably my saviour because for 7 hours a day I had to slap on a brave face and it kept me (mostly) distracted from the crippling negative thoughts.

It's still a battle and I go through some awful weeks etc but I try to keep moving forward and upward.

@NameChanged294749

Can I ask you what you've noticed she enjoys? Are there any moments where things seem easier for her?

I'm wondering if you can identify an 'in' somewhere from which you could build outwards to get her the support she needs.

Eg. She always seems in a better mood when you are snuggled on the sofa. Maybe you could broach the topic of couples counselling then, and actually do it remotely together. Then it's not so much "another thing to do" or for her to tackle (or fail to tackle) alone, but an activity linked to working together and supporting eachother. Walking 20 minutes in the cold to a personal counselling session is way less appealing than making a cup of tea and getting comfy for a Skype session with your partner by your side. So I wonder if there are maybe some ways to tweak things slightly to make it less "big" a thing for her. It might give her the strength to eventually take the reigns herself?

I’m really not sure I have an answer to this, except to say I certainly don’t feature in her happiness bucket right now. We don’t touch, kiss, etc I’m in the top hard basket I suppose because I keep pushing her as well to talk, to do counselling, and these are in her mind all energy sapping activities. But in my mind, if we don’t even do these basic things there is no chance we will make it.... does that make sense?