My wife doesnt love me - should I leave?

[losthurt76]

Hi everyone, I would appreciate some perspective and thought here.

I met my wife 12 years ago and married 8 years ago. We have 2 beautiful kids, 4 and 7. Since our second was born, we've been having issues and have grown apart.

My wife suffers from depression her whole adult life and it was really bad after our second was born. She's never really had the same level of zip as before, even now.

We've been to counselling on/off for 3 years now. In the last 2 years she has suggested separating twice, most recently 4 months ago. I honestly think that this is the depression talking. SHe has deleted all adult relationships in her life and I am the last one. By deleting me perhaps she thinks things will get better. She has a low level of resilience and can easily/ unexpectedly tip into deep depression.

I am so proud of my marriage, and my family. It breaks me that we have come to this. In the last few months, I have come to the realisation that I cannot will her to want this marriage, to work on our communication and discover the new 'us'. My wife has no energy and is spent every night after the kids go to bed. This is true even on days where she spends 1 hour with kids and I do everything else relating to the kids and my work (she doesnt work).

I should say she is not a bad person, but is clearly battling some demons. There is no affairs or anything like that (yes Im sure). I still believe in our marriage and would give anything to make this work.

Recently, I am beginning to feel that I need to move on. I do not see any effort to work on us (although previously agreed). At this stage, I am willing to stick it out only if we can have an agreed plan. I am not asking for her to love me unconditionally or for us to be sexually active etv, I am simply looking for confirmation that 1) she wants to make this work and 2) will commit to some joint actions. Is this foolish? Should I just leave, however hard it is for me? I feel deeply hurt/sad and fear that I will resent her and be a bad father for my kids if we continue down this path.

I would really appreciate some thoughts, particularly from those who have experienced similar episodes.

Thank you in advance.

@Whatabambam

Sometimes the person who has depression needs to commit to making change. Otherwise there is victimhood and you and your children's lives will be damaged by her refusal to acknowledge her own role in recovery.

This ultimately is my biggest source of frustration, that she is not committed to make the change.

At some point, it’s really not about what I want anymore. I feel if she can’t see what she / we have and doesn’t cherish it enough to fight for it, it then I need to move on. I suppose this is where I am now.

I guess I was hoping to get some ideas of things to try etc in posting this thread, but I know deep down what the options are and that the hardest option (separating) may be the right one.

Perhaps she needs to be in a mental hospital for a few months. They can observe her and try different medications. She will be able to talk with other people going through similar mental illnesses. She will see a doctor every day. She will have therapy every day.
I’d contact your local crisis team and tell them how she has disengaged from everything and is ending all relationships. That is a big red flag for suicide.

If you'd ask me up until ~6 months ago, Id say all this is the depression speaking, and dealing with that will eventually deal with the marriage. But since then she's shown less and less interest to try to have a relationship, and for the first time I am considering life after marriage.

This year has been incredibly hard on everyone. Maybe don’t make any irreversible decisions based on how things have been during this time.

Perhaps set a grace period for yourself where you don’t have to make any big decisions, where it’s ok just to get through the day to day day by day.

It could be that you pick a date, or that you set a time frame around some milestone that’s yet to be achieved e.g. “I’ll give it a year after social distancing ends to see where we’re at then”.

It is very tempting to always wanting to working on fixing things or making them better. Sometimes that is fantastic and sometimes it’s just extra pressure, on you and on her. It can exacerbate feelings of failing or of not being enough.

It can be important to realise “It’s ok not to be ok” and actually spend some unpressured time in that place.

Sometimes that helps resolve things, sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes something else, seemingly unconnected just happens to shift in that time and it makes a difference. But being is as much an integral part of human existence as becoming.

I say this based on both having lived for a long time with someone with depression and having suffered periods of depression myself. There’s a lot of pressure to “get better”. Sometimes it’s counter productive to focus on changing the future rather than just accepting the now.

I don’t mean accepting that things will never ever get better, but maybe there’s a bit of “a watched pot never boils”.

Part of the reason I say this is that I can really tell from your posts how much you love your wife snd children.

I was in a similar situation with my DH. He was (and is) a good man but with chronic severe anxiety and depression. Ultimately I realised that even though he loved me and the kids, and he was victim #1 of his illness, we were all collateral damage. Since we separated he's been much more engaged with treatment, has seen a specialist psychiatrist to get less standard medication and has joined us for some of the weekends. With much more time to himself and to rest, at least when he is with the kids it's so much more positive.

Like you, I felt like it was an admission of failure and was worried about the impact on the kids. But actually, living separately was a huge relief, it was like I didn't realise the weight I was carrying until it came off. The kids have been much happier too.

It is really hard too, as I'm doing all the day to day domestic and family jobs (was doing most of it before, but there's still a gap from most to all), I can't see any of my family as they're overseas, and although he wants to continue our relationship I'm not sure if I do, I love him but the imbalance is so high and this depression just keeps coming back and worse every time.

Covid makes it harder but is there an option for her to go back to her parents or a sibling's place for a bit to give you all a breather? Separating was the right choice.for us, whether it turns out to be permanent or not.

And with respect I'd disagree with @PirateCatQueen about giving it up to a year to just sit, especially when young kids are involved. This dynamic sounds like it's been going on a long time and covid just worsened it, and now.they are at such an impressionable age, what you show them is how they will grow up seeing as a normal relationship and way to be as an adult. Things need to change.

I have considered that option some time ago but I think she has come a long way. She is now able to socialise in small doses and just went away for a week with a friend which was probably unthinkable a year ago. I do think she is getting better, and is currently looking to get back into the workforce, so more adult interaction should help as well.

There was a time when I thought she could be suicidal and she was saying words to that effect, but I don’t believe she’s there now.

And also with respect @OverTheRubicon, constant pressure to change and improve can exacerbate depression.

Hi OP, family court is horrific and you will need to fight for custody for your children. You need to start building up evidence of why it is in the children's best interest that they live with you. You will need to prove that you are the primary caregiver. My colleague won custody of his kids but it took about 2 years.

@PirateCatQueen

If you'd ask me up until ~6 months ago, Id say all this is the depression speaking, and dealing with that will eventually deal with the marriage. But since then she's shown less and less interest to try to have a relationship, and for the first time I am considering life after marriage.

This year has been incredibly hard on everyone. Maybe don’t make any irreversible decisions based on how things have been during this time.

Perhaps set a grace period for yourself where you don’t have to make any big decisions, where it’s ok just to get through the day to day day by day.

It could be that you pick a date, or that you set a time frame around some milestone that’s yet to be achieved e.g. “I’ll give it a year after social distancing ends to see where we’re at then”.

It is very tempting to always wanting to working on fixing things or making them better. Sometimes that is fantastic and sometimes it’s just extra pressure, on you and on her. It can exacerbate feelings of failing or of not being enough.

It can be important to realise “It’s ok not to be ok” and actually spend some unpressured time in that place.

Sometimes that helps resolve things, sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes something else, seemingly unconnected just happens to shift in that time and it makes a difference. But being is as much an integral part of human existence as becoming.

I say this based on both having lived for a long time with someone with depression and having suffered periods of depression myself. There’s a lot of pressure to “get better”. Sometimes it’s counter productive to focus on changing the future rather than just accepting the now.

I don’t mean accepting that things will never ever get better, but maybe there’s a bit of “a watched pot never boils”.

Part of the reason I say this is that I can really tell from your posts how much you love your wife snd children.

We have been in this situation for some years now, admittedly with no real plan or discussion on where to next until now.

I hear you when you talk about the pressure to get better. I am probably expressing myself in the wrong way to her, but I don’t think that any of this is her fault. Depression is a disease and I am ready to help he work through and be there’s with her. But when we talk she does feel attacked, like I’m blaming her that she’s the one that needs fixing and we will be ok.

I guess in part I do think that because I believe life is what you make of it, and this is largely down to your outlook. If you can only see negatives, it will be negative. But I honestly want to be by her side through all this. I’ve entered this marriage knowingly and dealing with hardship is not the problem so long as we have each other, but floating in a loveless marriage is no truth what I can bear.

Autocorrect messed up my last sentences. Meant to say - Floating in a loveless marriage indefinitely is not what I can bear.

Totally agree - and if it had been just the last 6 months or even all of 2020, that might be different. But clearly this has been going on a long time, without her engaging with counselling or changing things. I think that once a family has children in it, their need for a stable home life come first. Having a parent with severe depression is a measurable childhood trauma. Sometimes that's unavoidable, but if the parent has for a long time been in a place where they cannot or will not take any steps to improve their condition and is making home life extremely hard, it can help everyone to consider living separately even for a time limited period.

In any case it sounds like there are some positive changes - like she can't be cutting off all adult relationships if she's just spent a week with a friend - so maybe the point is moot anyway.

But OP, if the real underlying issue here is that your experiences in recent times have burnt out both of your affections for each other, that's sad but ok too. Depression takes a huge toll on relationships. Couples counseling can help, even if she doesn't feel ready to engage in long term counselling it might help to have a 'safe space' for you to share your needs. Or you could see someone by yourself? It's ok for you to have needs too.

Hi all, updating this thread.

My wife and I have separated. She moved out last week. It came to a point where, even though I love her and would do anything (have done), it has taken such a toll on me, and I have become perpetually anxious and grumpy. I fear that I am not the positive role model I want to be for my kids.

The moment of clarity came when she had a go at me one morning for ‘not doing anything’. This is a week that I cooked all the meals, did all the washing, looked after the kids for most of the day (we were in lockdown) and tried to do what I can for my full time job. It suddenly became clear that it doesn’t matter what Im doing, it just will not work if she’s not willing to participate and is only looking for negatives. I am clapping with one hand, and I can try to clap harder or differently, but it will not make a sound.

In that moment, I said that I am ready to move on. She is unhappy with the way things are, but is unwilling to seek counselling for herself to deal with her thought process, and unwilling to go to couples counselling. She is uninterested to have any type of conversation or engagement with me, and she acknowledges this. I cannot see a way forward given the circumstances and although it completely breaks my heart to give up on our marriage, I know there is little chance of living the life I want for myself or the kids.

We sat the kids down last friday (they are 5 and 8), and in what is the most heartbreaking moment for me, they both just cried and cried. My son who is older is big on ‘the family’ and he is just so upset over this and laments the fact that ‘we will never be a family again’. We talk every night about feelings and sometimes about handling setbacks, and I share my thoughts with him too (no blaming). My daughter is too young to understand, but keeps asking everyday ‘when will you stop separating’.

This is a long road ahead for me. As mentioned earlier, my wife moved out last week and it is still very raw. I feel a lot of anger and confusion that she did not cherish what we had, even though so much of what she said she wanted was there.

My focus now is on my kids, and looking after myself a little better. I cry everyday and probably will for awhile - everything I see is a reminder of what was, but I know I cant hang onto the past now. Tomorrow is a new day.

I am not sure if this is remotely helpful to anyone reading, but I do want to give an update as a small way of saying thank you to everyone that had responded to my call for help.

Thank you for updating. I'm sorry that things are so hard right now.

Are you and the children still in your home? Or has she taken the children with her?

So sorry to hear this - it’s very sad.
You wife I assume is going to see the children and have them over night.
I’m wondering if her unhappiness was linked to being a mother? Or she wasn’t happy with you so opted out.
I assume she will get a job and pay maintenance potentially.
Just keep talking to your children and re-assuring them.

When you’re in the pits of depression it’s normal to push people away. But at the same time you can’t be her emotional crux and remain somewhere just to support that person.

As someone who had to end my relationship after 16 years due to a similar situation with my exes mental health, I know how hard it is. I'm 10 months down the line . I was very upset at tge beginning and cried most days, but I always knew I made the right decision and the right one for my dd as my mental health was suffering and our dd deserved a happier home life.

All.you can do with the children is reassure them that you both love them very much and you will both see them still. Children get so much comfort from routines.

Remember to try and look after yourself and take it day by day. It does get easier as time goes by. It's normal to mourn what you wished you could have had but you tried your best. Have a look at the app Frolo when you're ready. There are a lot of single dads and mums on there who support each other.

The future will be bright. Tomorrow is a new chapter.

I cant honestly tell you the root cause of her unhappiness, but I feel it predates me and the kids. She’s had depression her whole adult life but post-natal depression hit her hard for years and now blames me for having our daughter. I understand that depression makes you go into a hole and push people away, but after years of stonewalling and being the punching bag I dont think I can improve things without any external help, and she is unwilling to seek those, with or without me.

She is an amazing person and a great mum (still). If this gets her to a better place then so be I. I just need to suck it up and hope that the kids can land on a positive footing eventually.

She’s now got a full time job and moved 5 mins away. The kids are with me for now and we will come to some arrangement. I will need to sell this house and split the proceeds and look for another place.

@gonnabeok

As someone who had to end my relationship after 16 years due to a similar situation with my exes mental health, I know how hard it is. I'm 10 months down the line . I was very upset at tge beginning and cried most days, but I always knew I made the right decision and the right one for my dd as my mental health was suffering and our dd deserved a happier home life.

All.you can do with the children is reassure them that you both love them very much and you will both see them still. Children get so much comfort from routines.

Remember to try and look after yourself and take it day by day. It does get easier as time goes by. It's normal to mourn what you wished you could have had but you tried your best. Have a look at the app Frolo when you're ready. There are a lot of single dads and mums on there who support each other.

The future will be bright. Tomorrow is a new chapter.

Thank you so much for this. It helps.

Is she definitely depressed and not something else? Her symptoms sound more like some other kind of chronic illness maybe. I feel like if you go to a GP and tell them you’re struggling, they literally ask you are you depressed? Or are you anxious? It takes years and a lot of effort to get an actual diagnosis of anything more complex.

I dont know. She refuses to seek any help. The psychologist, counsel or and GPs are a waste of time according to her.

She is definitely depressed but I agree there may be something else at play, medically. She has low energy (and borderline low iron) but I wondered if there are thyroid issues or something else. In any case, I cant worry about this now. Years of suggesting she should check it out translates to her as ‘I want to fix her’.