When you start online dating and meet someone and have no friends in common how do you know they are telling the truth?

[BlueDaysTillChristmas]

I’ve only ever had partners who were friends of friends so I knew a bit about them already, which was verified by my friends.

Actually, thinking about it I did have one relationship where we had no friends in common but I met him via his workplace so knew that about him, plus it was before the internet so it was different.

How do you know anyone you meet is telling you the truth? For me, I trust someone until they give me a reason not to, you just have to have good faith

You don't always know to begin with although it helps if you're emotionally strong in the first place ready, know what you would potentially want from dating, relationship or something casual, stick to what you want and be ready to drop anyone who seems unreliable, hot and cold etc, look up their sm when you know their name.
Trust comes as you build a connection with them over time, although they are strangers and some that don't have the best intentions you have to give them the benefit of the doubt sometimes unless they start showing red flags.

Faith! I think you’ve got to be prepared to accept that not everyone you meet will hold the same values as you in terms of being honest and truthful and there are those who will tell you what they think you want to hear, you need to keep that in the back of your mind. Enjoy being with someone but keep your wits about you as pp said, sometimes who someone really is ‘leaks’ out of them in different ways. I think the hardest part of dating like this though is the lack of accountability when there are no shared friends/acquaintances, it makes it easier for people to disappear with no friend in common to say, why did you do that?

The first thing I do is check out his Facebook page and make sure he's single

@StephenBelafonte

The first thing I do is check out his Facebook page and make sure he's single

The last two I've spoken to, I've tried that and couldn't find them. I suppose it's harder as I don't know their surnames yet I suppose.

I've never dated anyone who was a friend of a friend (though I did once date a guy who previously had a fling with a close friend - oops!). I think it's about gut instinct. You can tell if someone is being generally truthful and aboveboard if your listen to your gut. This, of course, depends on you being the sort of person who generally trusts yourself and your own judgement.

That said, someone knowing someone is not always a full proof way of knowing they are a good and decent person. I have someone who is married to a family member of mine. People have known him for 15+ years. Everyone thinks he's a great guy. He love bombs everyone. Turns out he has a history of child sexual abuse, which several people who vouched for what a great guy he was knew all about. He is just so manipulative that he was able to convince they than sexually abusing a child was no big deal and no alarm should be raised about it. Sadly, it also didn't stop those people from letting him have unsupervised contact with my children (who are - as far as we know - completely unharmed and fine). But having people vouch for someone you date definitely isn't full proof. There are loads of charming manipulative creeps out there. You have to listen to your gut. In this instance, actually my gut long ago told me something wasn't right and I didn't listen to it because everyone around him thought he was so fantastic. You're always the best judge of who is right to have in your life, no matter what anyone else thinks.

You don't know that. It's why its is important to keep your emotions in check and not get over invested in the early stages.

You take it slowly and look for signs that things add up and always always look for the pattern - in my experience, dodgy men always reveal themselves by a pattern of behaviour even though any one of those behaviours alone may not be cause for concern.

Have the first few dates out of either of your homes and don't drink (driving is a good excuse!) to keep a clear head. Daytime dates are good as it helps keep things slow and you can get to know each other. Those things probably aren't such an issue just now when you have to meet outside!

Also, a little online research into their social media etc can be useful to check things out (I also expected that they would do that to me!).

I also found that men who want on about how honest they are or that they want an honest partner were often the exact opposite! I'm honest but I don't think to go around shouting about it as I think it's normal and usual and doesn't even need saying.

"The last two I've spoken to, I've tried that and couldn't find them. I suppose it's harder as I don't know their surnames yet I suppose."

Just ask them if you can be Facebook friends!

You don’t to begin with, you have to take a leap of faith and hope they’re not a massive creep or married...

I dated a guy once through online dating, his social media had no signs of a GF at all but he had one. I only found out when she messaged me asking whether I knew he was in a relationship, pretty gutting.

Signs that they may be what they say include:

• meet up with you openly in local places where anyone could see you together, without appearing nervous
• answer the phone at a normal time in the evening
• tell you their address and landline number
• (apparently) live locally, not in another town that you would have to go out of your way to visit if checking on them!
• pay with their bank card
• you can meet their friends/family
• you are invited inside their home (even if you say no thanks)

Signs they might not be what they say:

• receiving calls from other people while with you, but not answering them
• not answering your calls at certain times
• only meeting on certain days
• only phoning from outdoor locations
• only paying cash
• not on any social media
• uncheckable explanations for why you can't see their home ("I have a flatmate who hates me bringing girlfriends round") - excuses might be true of course, but lack of such excuses is better
• hiding you from people, e.g. "because ex would go mad if she knew about you", or because it is "early days yet and want to be private"

and generally anything that strikes you as a bit weird... don't ignore it.

Meet people in public places at first, don't get drunk, find out their full name, use a condom! Just watch out for your safety - if he's two-timing someone and you have no clue, that's not your fault.

That is all really useful, thank you everyone.

Assume they're lying until they prove otherwise with actions.
Men lie, a lot. Especially if they want sex.
There are far to many men OLD who are married or looking for easy shags.

Due diligence. I have friends who think I’m OTT for having dig online before I meet someone but I once found out that a guy I was chatting to had a conviction for something awful. That was only because I found his LinkedIn page which said he had a medical degree, yet he didn’t practice medicine anymore which made me wonder. So I looked a little further and uncovered a name change and then a newspaper article (complete with his photo) detailing his crime! Yes this is an extreme example and I was probably OTT but saved myself a lot of hassle. At the messaging stage I would normally find out enough about someone to at least be able to find evidence that they are at least using their real name.
Echoing other tips on here, I also agree with a sober first date for two reasons - your judgement isn’t impaired, and also any man who doesn’t respect you not drinking is a dick anyway.
And also, remember that EVERYONE is a stranger until you have met them several times in different situations. So don’t get too emotionally invested early on.
I would also never match with anyone on Tinder etc who is clearly not using a real name - such as ‘G, 39’ - being secretive from the start is a red flag.

I've never had a problem with anyone not being who they say they are while OLD but I have always searched for them online as soon as I could and have taken it slowly every time.

I think not wanting me to go to their house would set alarm bells ringing. My bf lived in a horrible house share when I met him that he was embarrassed about but he still invited me there.

I would also never match with anyone on Tinder etc who is clearly not using a real name - such as ‘G, 39’ - being secretive from the start is a red flag.
I've never used Tinder before; just other apps. Do people use their real names on there normally? I'd never use mine. Apart from anything else, I'm easily findable online as I advertise my work. Wouldn't want my customers identifying me on a dating app, and wouldn't want men off an app coming to my work address. I'm OK revealing my name to a specific person, but not to all and sundry.

Whenever I was initially chatting with guys on-line you normally discover their career or job type. Of all they guys I spoke too there was only 1 I was unable to find on Linked-in. From that usually you can find their Facebook or other social media. I was amazed at first how easy it is to find people! Once you've confirmed the basics of what they're telling you are true you can at least trust on a superficial level. Of course you can only really get to trust someone more deeply after a while of getting to know them.

Regarding names, I’ve not used my name and neither has he. We are on pof and so many have fake names on there like AS123 or something. But because I’ve done it, I don’t see it as a red flag.

receiving calls from other people while with you, but not answering them

Isn't this just politeness? If I was having an IRL conversation with someone, and especially if I was on a date, I'd ignore any incoming call unless it was expected. If it's urgent people can message!

@gannett

receiving calls from other people while with you, but not answering them

Isn't this just politeness? If I was having an IRL conversation with someone, and especially if I was on a date, I'd ignore any incoming call unless it was expected. If it's urgent people can message!

Depends how they react, I guess. I was in a car with one guy and a call came up on his in-car screen with the name of a woman - his reaction, switching it off, came at lightning speed - and no comment such as "That's XYZ, I'll answer that later". It was only later that I got confirmation he was a total chancer, constantly several women on the go at once and very likely still married, though he never admitted that last point. (I stayed in touch after we stopped dating, partly to see if I could alert his wife if necessary, and he dropped his guard and started telling me about some of the women he was dating!)

But no, not answering calls is not by itself a sign that someone's lying - just one of many things you might take note of, as potentially suspicious.

Conmen are very plausible, likeable, charming even and good at building a facade of trust

People in the early stages of dating might big up some aspects of their life in the hope of seeming desirable

Thise can be overlapping things

I think you need to engage your brain, even when every other part of your body is twitching with other urges, and look to make connections which the RL validation of who they are (meeting friends, colleagues, going to club events (like watching the sodding 5-a-side on Sunday before going for brunch and chatting to others on the sidelines) and depending on where you live, discreetly asking round to see if any of your friends have come across him before

Remember he may well be doing similar about you, and don’t get sniffy if you spot that

Some things are just being careful (real names, no addresses) and fine on early dates. Sensible for both parties so not a warning flag.

Just tread carefully, but expect them to possibly do the same and not share too much early on.

Back when I used to date Id be reluctant to share Facebook, addresses, kids details etc on say a first date. Didn’t mean I was dodgy, just sensible. You open up as things get more comfortable.

Haven't OLD for quite a while .... but when I did .... if they say they were a self employed plumber / company director I would search companies house for their name / company details. Often there would be a registered address that was their house.... (not always) so then I would check street view, see what the house / flat looked like. Then I'd do a Rightmove search for that area and see if their house had recently been sold / bought / and generally have a little tour inside.... (from my pc obviously, not actually go in the house!) ... you can tell if kids live there, state of the garden / decor (no one wants to live with someone who lives in a rubbish dump - you can tell if they have pride ... if also run their car number plate through the free gov tax & mot checker ....
A lot of info could be gained in 8mins of research .... I didn't care about the house / flat / job other than to check what they were saying was true. One guy I caught out totally as he told me he lived "in a large 5 bed townhouse right next door" to a pub we both knew - he even went on to say it was a bit noisy. Quick look on rightmove revealed that very same town house was in fact bedsits / HMO... I still went on the first date with him, but went with my eyes open that he might be a billy bullshyttar, he then turned up in a clapped out old van, saying his brand new Mercedes was in the garage for a fault check. . ... had I not of been on guard re the house situation I'd have believed him as very plausible. . . Lots of chat about how he'd moved down from Chelsea ... yeah, right.... there are too many idiot men out there that just want a shag and will lie to get it. I personally didn't have the time to go on dates with wastes of space!
I did find success with a lovely van driving kitchen fitter, who was honest from the outset that he drove a silver man van... I'd much rather that than I liar! Married 3 years now . .