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Original poster

Would you stay with someone who couldn't say 'I love you?'

47 replies

MarylinMonrue · 01/12/2020 08:31

Just that really. My SIL was on the phone to me yesterday and sad about her new man, he's more of a 'doer' when it comes to affection - and does treat her nicely - but he's been clear about the fact he'll never tell her he loves her because he doesn't believe in just the words. I think this screams issues personally. Why can't someone show AND tell? My DP tells me and personally I need that.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 01/12/2020 08:39

Yes I agree
Big red flag, hope she sees it

pallasathena · 01/12/2020 08:42

I think you shouldn't judge.
I also think that binary thinking and cancel culture should be avoided.

LawnFever · 01/12/2020 08:44

I rarely say it, wasn’t brought up to and feels odd to me, doesn’t mean I don’t love DH but it’s a very individual thing and he’s been honest about it.

Someone could say it every minute of the day & not back it up with any actions whatsoever.

Hauskat · 01/12/2020 08:48

I think telling someone up front you don’t believe in those words is pretty emo and manipulative. Personally it would be a red flag. If they were just a very stiff upper lip type that would be different (but personally I would struggle being with someone who wasn’t very articulate about their feelings). It feels like this guy is setting your friend up to feel like she has to work hard for his affection and win him over and prove love exists. That’s quite an exhausting dynamic.

PilatesPeach · 01/12/2020 08:49

I get that some people don't necessarily say it very often and do lots of loving things however, never? Not ever? I would have an issue with that. That is a choice they make to never say it. They could say it, albeit perhaps not often but either they don't love you or they choose not to ever say it.

PilatesPeach · 01/12/2020 08:50

Agree with Hauskat

larrythelizard · 01/12/2020 08:52

I agree - it's the telling her 'he doesn't believe in the words' that is the red flag, not the fact he doesn't say them.

DH rarely tells me he loves me but I know he does through his actions. I rarely say it to him either - I don't think either of us were really brought up saying it!

Jobsharenightmare · 01/12/2020 08:53

Red flags.

We are supposed to learn the love languages of our partner and strive to make them feel loved.

He's basically saying I'll show you you are loved in the ways I want but nothing more or different and if it doesn't make you feel loved, don't moan I warned you.

Trisolaris · 01/12/2020 08:57

I think it’s more an issue if she’s sad about it because it’s clear that it’s important to her and that is likely to become an issue long term if they express love in different ways and she can’t feel his way of communicating love (assuming he isn’t just a dick obviously).

My dp and I don’t really say it but we are both secure in the relationship because we express love in a similar way - ie doing nice things for each other and expressing appreciation for each other’s acts of kindness. It wouldn’t suit everyone though.

TDMN · 01/12/2020 08:57

I had a partner like this once.
He did eventually say 'i love you' but it was when he was drunk, egged on by someone else and we'd already been together 2 years.
He didnt love me - i should have taken it as a warning.

JessicaPeach · 01/12/2020 09:02

We never say it but I have never felt so loved so it isn't important to me to be told. Been together for 14 years so it's obviously working for us! It's just not a big thing to some people and we are lucky that it it's not important to either of us!

Derelictwreck · 01/12/2020 09:18

I rarely say it, wasn’t brought up to and feels odd to me, doesn’t mean I don’t love DH but it’s a very individual thing and he’s been honest about it.

But there's a difference between 'it's not something I say a lot' and 'I refuse to ever say it to you even if that hurts you'.

thosetalesofunexpected · 01/12/2020 09:21

Hi Op
Do you feel he cares, shows he loves you in a demonstrative way often enough for you??

What are your instincts telling you about this man and relantship then???

the Hollywood/Barbers Cartland mills and Booms are not real...

The end of the day, Action speaks louder, than words,

The reason why your man not say I love you constanley could be cause of his childhood upbringing his family were not the sort to say I love you all the time,

So saying I love you constantly feels Almost "Alien" to him.

You could be with someone who says the right thing, I love you,(but there Actions Often don't match their words..

End of day its what you prefer that makes the difference, do you prefer someone whos words and actions Align, match up or someone who shows how much they care about you through their actions???

hapagirl · 01/12/2020 09:30

I’ve never heard my parents say they love each other (or me). What I do know is that they have been together for 50 years and when my dad had quite a bad stroke 3 years ago, she tirelessly and selflessly looked after him without complaint. Sometimes it is actions that speak the loudest.

Original poster
MarylinMonrue · 01/12/2020 10:06

there's a difference between 'it's not something I say a lot' and 'I refuse to ever say it to you even if that hurts you'.

I agree

OP posts:
seensome · 01/12/2020 10:28

I don't like the way he's told her 'I'm never going to say I love you' like he wants some sort of control over it. How will she feel when she wants to say it but has no reply, she will feel sad and unloved.
Although love is displayed in actions and words can easily be said, isn't it beautiful when you both say it for the first time and not that it needs to be said all the time but it's just nice to express it with words too sometimes.

RantyAnty · 01/12/2020 10:35

Your SIL needs to dump him.
There are guys out there who won't be so manipulative and precious.

Colourmeclear · 01/12/2020 10:59

I'd be worried about always trying to prove I was worthy of love or that he was thinking that he loves what I do for him not who I am. I know there are different expressions of love, actions, thought etc but to rule one out from the beginning is odd. It's almost like a challenge.

Sssloou · 01/12/2020 11:12

but he's been clear about the fact he'll never tell her he loves her because he doesn't believe in just the words.

Seems like v entrenched defensive and rigid thinking to me.

“Never” is a v bold, cold, hard definitive statement. Would this apply to any children they might have?

These words he has chosen to proactively declare are an action - this action speaks v loudly to me.

Doesn’t sound like someone who is looking to reflect and grow emotionally within a RS or with themselves.

He sounds emotionally avoidant / unavailable and this will manifest in much more than the “I love you” moments. Is he capable of emotionally sensitive and intelligent conversation, compassion etc? Is he able to listen, support and comfort when needed?

Sounds cold and lonely in that relationship. Your SIL should listen to her own feelings - that sadness - I suspect is built from much more than this announcement.

Northernshepherd · 01/12/2020 11:22

I don't know did he just come out with that? Bit off & red flaggy! but if it was in response to her asking if he loved her and he says it's not something he's comfortable saying but shows through actions or he perhaps doesn't believe in the concept of 'in love' less red flaggy & she needs to decide if she's ok with that.

SummerInSun · 01/12/2020 11:23

Slightly off topic, but for those of you who say "you weren't brought up" to say I love you, do you just mean to a romantic partner, or at all? Do you never tell your DC you love them? I tell my DC I love them at least every night when I say goodnight and often when I drop them at school/nursery, and quite at other random times. My own parents always finish up any phone call or email by saying they love me. DH and I would say I love you to each other pretty regularly too.

Seems to me that love is something that should pervade and be the bedrock of family relations, and letting the language of that as flow as part of every day discourse should be totally straightforward. I'd really worry about someone who thought that telling someone he loved her was something he could never do. Who wants to live like that?

grey12 · 01/12/2020 11:35

Read up about "love languages"!! Smile

CoffeeSTAT · 01/12/2020 11:40

DH and I don't say it and it's fine for us. We say it to the children every night but it's taken practice to get that stage. It doesn't come naturally to either of us. I've never said it to my parents, siblings etc and DH is the same and I've never heard it from them either.

I think saying it up front and making it a 'never' is a bit OTT. If he just said 'its not really something I say, I like to show love instead' I don't think it would worry me too much.

Trisolaris · 01/12/2020 11:42

@SummerInSun I don’t remember ever hearing my parents ever directly say the words ‘I love you’ as a child. I never doubted that they did though.

SummerInSun · 01/12/2020 11:49

[quote Trisolaris]@SummerInSun I don’t remember ever hearing my parents ever directly say the words ‘I love you’ as a child. I never doubted that they did though.[/quote]
Out of curiosity, do you tell your own DC you love them? Glad that you knew you were loved, but it sounds awful to me never to hear your parents say they love you, and for you never to tell them you love them (I'm not British, though, so possibly cultural difference at play).