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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Would you stay with someone who couldn't say 'I love you?'

47 replies

MarylinMonrue · 01/12/2020 08:31

Just that really. My SIL was on the phone to me yesterday and sad about her new man, he's more of a 'doer' when it comes to affection - and does treat her nicely - but he's been clear about the fact he'll never tell her he loves her because he doesn't believe in just the words. I think this screams issues personally. Why can't someone show AND tell? My DP tells me and personally I need that.

OP posts:

Trisolaris · 01/12/2020 11:55

@SummerInSun I don’t have DC at the moment but I would do yes and I know my sister tells hers. I think it is something I would have to work at.

Both mine and my dp’s parents were by no mean perfect in their parenting styles - there are many things we would do differently and this is one of them, but we both have never doubted as to how much we were/are loved by our parents.

SVRT19674 · 01/12/2020 12:12

No, I wouldn´t like that. He doesn´t love her and is telling her so, he appreciates her, esteems her, has a good opinion of her, is kind to her, but doesn´t love her. That would be a deal breaker for me. I am not a luvvy duvvy person, but NEVER? Sorry, it is on his terms or the highway...

Original poster

MarylinMonrue · 01/12/2020 18:30

Yeah, I feel like it's manipulative. Like a PP said its basically 'My way even if it hurts you and you can't complain because I told you so'

OP posts:

Bunnymumy · 01/12/2020 18:38

If he actually needs to say 'I'll never say I love you' then yeh the guy has issues. Because if it was just his way of being then he wouldn't even broach the subject.

user1481840227 · 01/12/2020 19:15

No chance. I would need to hear it..but then I grew up in a household where no loving words were ever said and they were just cold and emotionally neglectful in general so I didn't grow up feeling loved at all.

The other issue with it is that what happens if there comes a time in the relationship where they need to fight to stay together, if this man isn't capable of saying I love you then how will he ever have deep and meaningful conversations, how will they resolve conflict? how will they work through difficult periods together?

user1481840227 · 01/12/2020 19:21

Out of curiosity, do you tell your own DC you love them? Glad that you knew you were loved, but it sounds awful to me never to hear your parents say they love you, and for you never to tell them you love them (I'm not British, though, so possibly cultural difference at play).

I'm not the person you were replying to my parents were cold and unloving in every way. I have complex PTSD as a result of that and the relationships that followed.
I am very affectionate towards my kids and tell them I love them multiple times a day!

user1481840227 · 01/12/2020 19:26

This kind of sums it up...

"We can't just blithely "follow the science" because there is no such thing as "the science" - just different interpretations of incomplete evidence."

news.sky.com/story/coronavirus-even-scientists-cant-agree-on-how-society-should-fight-covid-19-12082007

user1481840227 · 01/12/2020 19:27

Wrong thread obviously!

Original poster

MarylinMonrue · 01/12/2020 19:57

Because if it was just his way of being then he wouldn't even broach the subject.

Yeah, I get the impression his last break up was a tough one, I think he has issues from that personally. I just know that even with the surprise cups of tea or whatever actions someone takes to make me feel cared for, if I don't hear the words too, it feels unreal to me.

OP posts:

trixiebelden77 · 01/12/2020 19:58

He ‘doesn’t believe in’ saying the words?

It’s not Santa.

If it’s important to your partner to hear the words you need to be able to say them. It doesn’t have to come naturally, it doesn’t have to be daily, but if the person you love needs verbal confirmation then a functioning adult provides it.

firstimemamma · 01/12/2020 20:00

How long have they been together? We didn't say it until 6 months. He said it first. We'd both felt it much sooner but just wanted it to be special and wait a bit.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 01/12/2020 21:55

I did this for four years and it became a huge issue.

It all comes down to whether you need to hear it or not. I do. And it's not just blithely needing to hear it, my ex (like your partner OP) did the big statement that he wouldn't ever say it.

Looking back, it was cruel of him. I should have left as soon as he said that. I tried to keep going but his statement about not saying it was indicative of an underlying issue with intimacy and communication.

He's with someone else now, redoing the same process and chipping away at her confidence too. I feel so glad I left when I did but sad for him that he is missing out on a succession of lovely women who love him because he is so closed to the idea of telling them he loves them and therefore making them feel loved.

Not all people need to hear it, so I just wish he would meet one of those people and they could be a lovely couple!

It sounds such a trite thing to leave because of someone not saying three words, but I've never known that to be the case in a relationship where both parties feel happy, healthy, equally secure and mutually invested. It's always (IME) been indicative of one party keeping the other slightly at arms length or guessing.

firesong · 01/12/2020 22:36

I struggle with saying it, in the sense that it doesn't often occur to me to say it. I grew up with parents who have never said it to me.

However, with my partner, I still respond that I love him too when he says it to me. I have also told him that I might forget to say it, but I do feel it.

CherryBlossomTree7 · 01/12/2020 23:12

I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who never told me he loved me.

It doesn't have to be every day but if he feels it, he should be able to and want to say it.

puttergal · 01/12/2020 23:44

When I'm in a relationship I would always tell the other person I love them and I would expect it back (if we loved each other).
I fall in love quickly and always blurt it out way too soon to be cool!
Luckily I've never been left hanging!

Osirus · 02/12/2020 00:15

I don’t say it. I just cannot get the words out of my mouth. It’s odd but my body completely resists it!

Does that mean I deserve to be alone?

I’m married with a child (whom I tell I love all the time; it’s just different, unconditional I suppose. That love will always be there whatever happens. A partner is always bordering on temporary).

ladamanera · 02/12/2020 00:38

My partner said he was physically and emotionally unable to day it and mightn’t I just infer it from his actions?
I had to say no. I have needs that require meeting, and love is one of them. More than a little heartbroken.
I also don’t know what it means. I am the opposite of that and feel very childlike about it. Can someone who never says it explain?
He’s displaying all other signs anyone who has ever been in love with me has displayed, he seems beside himself in love sometimes, so this is all incredibly confusing.

Seeingadistance · 02/12/2020 01:50

[quote Trisolaris]@SummerInSun I don’t remember ever hearing my parents ever directly say the words ‘I love you’ as a child. I never doubted that they did though.[/quote]
Same here. My parents have never said that they love me, but I know they do. When I was about 19 and at uni, I overheard a male friend ending a phone cal with his DM by saying he loved her. I was amazed!

Re the situation in the OP, it kind of depends on context - was she pushing for him to say the words, and he explained his perspective, or did he simply announce that he will never say it? If you’re not in the habit of hearing or saying, ‘I love you’ it actually seems really weird, and actually quite fake saying it - in my own experience anyway.

And actions do speak louder than words. My ex had no bother telling me he loved me, but he was an abusive bullying arsehole.

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 02/12/2020 01:54

Yes, because it isn't remotely important to me. I've been with my current partner roughly 4.5 years, and I can't recall it being said more than once or twice. It's just not something I expect or require. The only feeling it really provokes in me when I hear it is 'umm, ok'.

CandidaAlbicans2 · 02/12/2020 17:24

Maybe he's being upfront with her about it because it's caused issues in previous relationships where his exes have got upset that he's not said it. Personally I find it an extremely difficult phrase to utter so I can relate to others not saying it, plus I give far more importance to actions than words. I don't think it's a red flag in itself.

CharlotteRose90 · 02/12/2020 18:57

Oh god she’s not dating my ex is she 🤣🤣. He said he didn’t say the words as he showed how he feels with actions. Stupid me fell for it 🤣. I personally need someone to tell me how they feel and I’ll never do it again

YoniAndGuy · 02/12/2020 19:00

Oh jeeeeez drama llama much?

He's been hurt, he will therefore stare into the distance like Clint Eastwood, merely tightening his jaw a little now and again.

Tell her to tell him to grow up!

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