Cheating husband

[jusstme]

Found out my husband had an affair which started in 2010, he was still in contact with her a few months ago as I found sexually explicit emails between them, he says he only had sex 5 or 6 times with her and met up only a few times over the years, I am devastated. From the moment I found out he has lied through his teeth, most of the information I have gathered has been from social media, from the emails I had her full name, she too is married. He said she meant nothing to him, he was just looking for a bit of excitement! We have been married for 38 years and have 3 grown children, I never in my wildest dreams thought he would do this to me ,he seems remorseful but I know I will never trust him the same again. I have told no one not even our children, it's tearing me up inside.

Blimey that's awful. Where is everyone now? Can you get some space to think about what to do?

Btw I've asked MN to move thread to relationships

He's still here in the home with me, said he won't leave, I have nowhere to go and no money, He always worked and I was a stay at home Mum happily bringing up our three children, he met this OW at his work in 2010, the work closed down in 2011and he kept in touch all these years meeting up on occasions and sharing sexually explicit emails which I found by accident when I borrowed his laptop, the last email was talk of going on a pub crawl together and booking a room at the
travel inn and what they would do to each other, that was Christmas 2019, didn't get a chance to see anymore emails after that as he took it off me. He said it was all just "banter" and that it didn't happen.

Bollocks it did happen, onlyn5nor 6 times in 10yrs!

That's a load of shit too

Tell.someone in real life so you have some support.

Then gather all your ducks and take your time as to what you want to do.

Is he still in contact with her?

Do you have a friend or family member you could tell? You need to have your feelings validated.

How has he behaved over the last 10 years, did you feel something was off? Lies destroy trust and he needs to be open with you if there is any chance to rebuild but I think such deception is hard to recover from.

When you feel over the initial shock you can seek legal advice. You will be entitled to 50% of the assets which will include his pension.

How old are you both?

No he's not in contact with her anymore, I have access to all his devices now, I check them daily. He goes to work and comes straight home after, and stays home with me. It's just the lies and betrayal for all these years and I trusted him completely, he says I'm making more of his affair than it was! an affair is an affair, can't get any worse. I can't get past that. He says it had been a number of years since they had met up, but why would you exchange sexually explicit emails with someone you hadn't been with for years? doesn't make sense to me. We have been together since we were 20, a lot of years, I don't know where to turn.

We are both 61, been married 38 years, together for 41 years.

Don’t let the fact that you have no money/have been a SAHM make you think you have no choice about what to do. I would speaker to a lawyer to see what rights you have and what you could get if you were to divorce. Gather as much evidence as you can and tell someone supportive in real life.

What a wanker!

I’d leave and wouldn’t stay, after all those years he does this, that’s really really low.

I'm too ashamed to tell anyone and the thought of telling my grown children horrifies me, I don't want to hurt them. I emailed some of his former co workers from the place where he started his affair, I found their email addresses because I have access to his devices, I told the former co workers about his affair and asked if it was common knowledge. None have replied back, didn't expect them to anyway. I told my husband what I did, he was mortified, good. I don't know any of his former co workers personally, never met them, so I don't care what they think, I just wanted to hurt him.

So sorry you are going through this. How awful and what a terrible betrayal after so many years together. How long have you known for? Like others have said you need to tell someone you trust and respect in real life so you have that support. You can't go through this on your own. It sounds to me like your OH is downplaying this affair massively to you which is extremely disrespectful, whether he slept with her twice or 2000 times what he's done is wrong and there is no excuse!
Sending you lots of love and please go and speak to somebody about this it will feel like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders

This could have been me posting this time last year. I’m slightly younger but similar length relationship and had been a SAHM for 10 years so less well provided for.

The best advice I was given was not to make any snap decisions. This from a good friend who had thrown her husband out following infidelity and had an acrimonious divorce and now 15 years later regrets how things played out. If you can, try and sit with the situation for at least 6 months even if you during that time opt for a trial separation.

Another piece of advice I was given at the time was that there is usually more than is first disclosed and sadly for me that turned out to be true. What I thought was a single one year affair turned out in fact to have been a 4 year affair and not the first. I think it’s important for closure for you to know the full story but maybe wait for that until you are feeling a bit stronger emotionally and consider whether you should do it in the context of couples therapy.

Some practical things: you should have a sexual health check even if you think he hasn’t seen the OW for a while just to set your mind at ease. You should see a solicitor to work out what your financial position might be if you do split. You should prioritise your health - even if you don’t feel like it eat regularly and try to get some exercise in fresh air every day. If you are having trouble sleeping consider asking the GP for something short term to help with that.

I’ve found therapy very helpful - both couples and individual. Also the support of good friends though if I’d my time again I wouldn’t have told as many people as I did. Maybe confide in one good friend only so you have a safe space where you can socialise with others without this being an unspoken thing between you.

The next few weeks and months will be a rollercoaster of emotions and decisions. A year in I still have dips and peaks but less extreme. Don’t let anyone else make your decisions for you. Whether you decide to leave or stay and try to rebuild your marriage is for you and you alone to decide.

A good book to read in the immediate aftermath is Shirley Glass Not Just Friends

Oh I'm so sorry op. These threads really upset me as my dad did this to my mum for over 10 years and it has really affected my teen years and adult life until I finally moved out. My mum always said she wishes she left him. One useful tip, if you're planning to forgive and reconcile don't tell anyone as it will always be used against you even by your closest and you will get reminded of it even if you make things work. My mum reconciled but she had already told everyone as she needed support and validation and next when she made up, for years people still reminded her with the cheating.

My mum "oh we are going on holiday"
Her friends/family " I don't know how you're still together with that cheating scumbag"
This still goes on even after 12 years from cheating.

How has he been towards you since the cheating? Any behaviour change you can remember back then that felt a bit off? How has he been towards you since the cheating stopped and how has he been towards you since you found out and him knowing that you gathered all the evidence?

I would say give it time and let your head clear as you might not feel the same towards him anymore. Some people can work through this and make the relationship stronger and some people may never see that person on the pedestal ever again and be put off from them forever.

I'm so sorry op you're going through this.

10 years is an awful long time to carry on an affair that 'didn't mean anything', even to the extent that he was going to meet her at a Travel Inn. To keep up an affair for 10 years suggests it's way deeper than just a 'casual, meant nothing' type of thing. I'm so sorry OP. I do think that you will never be able to trust him ever again going forward. I mean, if the affair lasted like 6 months or so, that's one thing (as bad as it is) but for 10 years? That requires a lot of dedication, and emotional input.

If he had any decency at all, he would leave. I would order him out and tell him if he doesn't, you will tell everyone he had an affair; his parents, your parents, brothers/sisters etc and you will get them to make him move out. Tell him the fact he won't do the honourable thing, after hurting you, and move out when you requested in to, shows he has absolutely zero remorse. The likelihood that your marriage will survive if he remains is basically nil. Not leaving when you asked him to, is the final insult to you and shows he is not sorry. The fastest way for you to move past this/forgive him (not that you will, just saying this could make him go) is if he had the decency to at least accept your wishes and respect it and give you space. Surely that is the least you deserve, after what he has done.

@kalula. Equally if the OW had meant anything significant to him, 10 years is plenty of time for him to have decided to leave the marriage and implemented that decision.

The plain fact is that when faced with a choice on discovery of the affair he has opted to stay with OP. She may decide she doesn’t want him but she doesn’t need to torture herself that the OW meant more to him than she does because the evidence doesn’t support that

Your story is my story. So, so sad.

OP, if you don't know where to turn to just yet make sure you find some sort of outlet for your feelings. That could be through writing a daily journal or posting in forums like these.
Is he being open and honest when answering the questions you must surely want answers to?

All I can say OP is I had similar , except I have no proof of anything physical and I found out a long time after too. All I can say is it’s possible to get past it but you may well never see them in the same light again and depends if you can live with that. I stayed , but it’s certainly changed feelings on my part and I am much more focussed on me and less on DH , however We do still get on well but I will to be honest never fully trust any guy again.

you have nothing to be ashamed of, you need RL support

Have you contacted her she may give you more details, than your husband, who will only tell you what he thinks he can get away with.

OP - as others have said - take your time and don’t rush anything. You don’t need to make decisions or prove anything to anyone.
It does help if you had a friend for real life support.

I think there are different kinds of affairs. And what your H says is quite plausible. Both him and that woman had probably were in similar circumstances and cheated opportunistically and occasionally. The actual number may be higher, but it doesn’t really matter. If there were any real feelings - 10 years is long enough to realise and act on them.

I think long marriages are hard. I think most people wouldn’t be able to have stayed with the same person from the age of 20 through 61. I know I’d struggle.
Not an excuse - but I am sure this is what played in his head when it happened.

If you do decide to stay you’ll need counselling, both couples and individual as it’s hard to deal with something like this on your own.

I found out on October 14th this year, about 6 wks ago, so it is very raw, apart from going to his work he has been with me, he always comes home on time from work, she lives some way away from us so I know he's not seeing her. But I'm just so suspicious of everything ,he could be texting or emailing her then deleting so even though I have access to his devices he could still be fooling me. Also if I hadn't discovered the affair, his involvement would probably still be going on. So many ups and downs when something like this happens, I know I will never fully trust him again, and after all these years together it's all just so sad.

I emailed the OW, asked her if she was still seeing him? when was the last time she saw him? how often did they meet up? no reply

How absolutely awful for you, you've at least made a start in reaching out to people here. I guess being together for so long its hard to imagine anything else but there is life after an affair. As people have said take some time to figure out what you want and not what suits your selfish husband. I would definitely seek legal advice, keeping up appearances for the childrens sake just makes it harder. He's the one thats let all of you down with his lying. I wish you well and hope you can eventually find some peace.

He could be fooling you but he may well not be.

My husband allowed me to set up a filter on his email account so that any emails containing certain keywords automatically get copied to me. He also gave me his passwords and consent to spot check his emails and phone statements at any time. He installed an app called Qustodio on his devices which stops him using apps like WhatsApp and also tracks his phone so I can see where his phone is any time I want.

He didn’t have to do all this and I don’t imagine we will do it forever but it does help build some trust that he isn’t messaging or meeting other women behind my back in the immediate aftermath of such a huge betrayal.

Be careful about speaking to the OW. If she does respond she may not be truthful with you out of spite or a desire to make herself look better. Bear in mind that what she tells you is no more likely to be the whole truth than what your husband has told you.

Is couples therapy a possibility? That might help you and your husband put in place some accountability agreement terms which make you feel a bit safer in the short term.

I'm extremely sorry, OP; you're a similar age to me, and I found out the cheating had gone on for my ex's entire life (except in his case it was prostitutes)

You're quite right of course that there's a lot more to this than he's said, and right again that he could easily still be in touch with her
About the only good news here is that you don't have to do anything immediately - not even telling the DCs, though they'll probably have to know eventually. The priority now is yourself and that's where it should remain

As PPs have said, the crucial thing is to get legal advice so that, in the midst of the storm, you'll at least know where you stand practically. From personal experience I wouldn't recommend trying to get beyond such a lengthy betrayal, but of course only you can know if something like counselling would be helpful

Believe me I really am thinking of you and wishing you only the best

Christ, that's awful.
Did have to chuckle at the emailing his ex-colleagues, that's the sort of thing I'd do 😉
Also the emailing the OW, I'd have gone a step further and emailed back "answer me or I'll be knocking on your door to speak to your DH"
Thats not advice BTW, don't do the above, don't be like me, retain your dignity.
I couldn't forgive him, he'd be still doing it if you hadn't caught him, he's a snake & you deserve better.
Tell someone in real life and get some support and keep us updated 💐