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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Cheating husband

50 replies

jusstme · 01/12/2020 07:55

Found out my husband had an affair which started in 2010, he was still in contact with her a few months ago as I found sexually explicit emails between them, he says he only had sex 5 or 6 times with her and met up only a few times over the years, I am devastated. From the moment I found out he has lied through his teeth, most of the information I have gathered has been from social media, from the emails I had her full name, she too is married. He said she meant nothing to him, he was just looking for a bit of excitement! We have been married for 38 years and have 3 grown children, I never in my wildest dreams thought he would do this to me ,he seems remorseful but I know I will never trust him the same again. I have told no one not even our children, it's tearing me up inside.

OP posts:

Original poster

jusstme · 01/12/2020 13:53

Speaking out on here and reading what others have to say has been a great help to me, I needed that, I don't feel like I'm going to explode now, and perhaps I'll see things in a clearer light now. If I decide to stay with him, there will be no second chance for him, that I do know.

OP posts:

Original poster

jusstme · 01/12/2020 13:59

She is also married.

OP posts:

Newwayofthinking · 01/12/2020 14:30

I would contact her husband

Katrinawaves · 01/12/2020 14:54

@Newwayofthinking

I would contact her husband

I can’t claim any moral high ground here as I did just that in the immediate aftermath of discovery but with hindsight that wasn’t my finest hour and again I would not rush to do this. Neither husband responded to me and I now feel bad about inflicting their own D day moment on them in that way. None of it was their fault after all and they may have preferred not to know.

Original poster

jusstme · 01/12/2020 15:14

@Newwayofthinking

I would contact her husband

I certainly did think of that, but what good would it do, it could create all sorts of trouble and I have enough to deal with.

OP posts:

Puzzledandpissedoff · 01/12/2020 15:17

She is also married

Yes, I expected that; like attracts like and once he'd chucked his morals in the gutter it was always likely he'd source someone similar - and incidentally she may not have responded to you, but you can bet your last quid she contacted your "D"H

As said I wouldn't decide anything yet, but it's worth remembering that too many cheaters interpret "a second chance" as having got away with it, only to be more careful next time. I'd also have hoped that after disrespected you so thoroughly yours would have been prepared to move out, if only for a while to give you some headspace ... but apparently not

Newwayofthinking · 01/12/2020 18:59

At least he would know and could make some important decisions.

Why should she get away with a happy life and yours is upside down

Ladj · 01/12/2020 19:50

Really feel your pain, the same has happened to me. We've been together 28 yrs. We have decided to stay together and he is doing all the right things I guess, but for me it was very important that he convince me he loves me, really makes me believe it and is totally open. If he can't understand why you need that he really doesn't care about your feelings.

Please talk to someone if you can. All the crazy tortuous thoughts I've had (and still get on bad days) left me feeling so lonely and at one point I actually thought I was going mad. I wasn't. I read nearly every article I could find on reactions to an affair and everythimg you are feeling, however bad, is a totally normal reaction to being betrayed.

If he cannot try and understand things from your point of view then he really doesn't care. To minimise what he has done is an insult to you. To his credit (not that he really deserves credit at all) my husband has sat me down a few times and told me he will answer any and all questions I have, however hard, anything to help me make sense of it, and although painful it is helping me. It's going to take me a long time to get to the stage where I don't think about it every day, but I'm not crying every day anymore and I actually laugh sometimes.

If you can't deal with.the.betayal then don't waste another minute of your life on this man. Life is too short. It will be hard after being together so long but you will survive and be happy one day. Sorry this has happened to you.

Mydogmylife · 01/12/2020 19:59

@MMmomDD

OP - as others have said - take your time and don’t rush anything. You don’t need to make decisions or prove anything to anyone. It does help if you had a friend for real life support.

I think there are different kinds of affairs. And what your H says is quite plausible. Both him and that woman had probably were in similar circumstances and cheated opportunistically and occasionally. The actual number may be higher, but it doesn’t really matter. If there were any real feelings - 10 years is long enough to realise and act on them.

I think long marriages are hard. I think most people wouldn’t be able to have stayed with the same person from the age of 20 through 61. I know I’d struggle.
Not an excuse - but I am sure this is what played in his head when it happened.

If you do decide to stay you’ll need counselling, both couples and individual as it’s hard to deal with something like this on your own.

All marriages are hard - but I must defend long marriages. I met my husband at 18, married him at 23 and we celebrated our 40 anniversary this year. Longevity in a marriage does not necessarily mean infidelity , our has not.

Mydogmylife · 01/12/2020 20:08

Sorry don't mean to sound a smug married, we've had our ups and downs like everyone, just don't want there to be an assumption , getting folk worried and thinking that a long marriage/relationship is an excuse for cheating - it just so isn't !

pinkdragons · 01/12/2020 20:15

Honestly you do have options.
You will have a share of the house, savings and his pension.

If you want to separate you can. Don't stay if you don't want to. You don't have to.

Neveranynamesleft · 01/12/2020 20:19

If you do decide to stay with him, and that would be entirely your decision, can you honestly say that you would trust him again ? Would you be constantly looking for signs of another affair ? The memories would always be there. Is that how you would want to live your life ?
Life is too short.

SummerWhisper · 01/12/2020 21:13

Does he have a 2nd secret phone that he keeps at work / in the car?

SummerWhisper · 01/12/2020 21:14

Obviously you wouldn't know, but it's worth investigating that possibility.

Dollyrocket · 01/12/2020 22:24

He could well have another device for making contact, or even be using an app on his phone that you’re not checking, there are 100’s of messaging apps out there beyond the standard one most people use.

He could also meet her during the daytime and all in sick / take annual leave etc..

Sorry to make you more paranoid.. But the truth is, you probably should realise that by living your life by monitoring his every move is no life at all.

This man has been lying to your for at least 10 years! That’s 25% of your relationship and is she the only one? I would be skeptical given how long he’s kept this latest one hidden for.

Right now, I t’s whether you can accept the past and move on with him or whether it’s time to move on and put yourself first.

I wouldn’t be able to forget or forgive or see them the same way ever again.

Lozzerbmc · 02/12/2020 18:24

You dont have to stay with him- you would be entitled to your share of house/his pension. Only you know whether you can make peace with it and whether you feel he is truly remorseful.
What you must do though is be kind to yourself

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 02/12/2020 22:08

Hi OP

One thing that struck me is the way he is minimising of his behaviour. It was 'only' 5 or 6 times (that number will be a lie, you cant sustain an affair meeting once every 2 years), you're 'making more of it than it was', the sexually explicit emails are 'only banter'. He broke your marriage vows and your trust and has destroyed your self esteem and everything you thought you knew about your marriage for the last 10 years...

For me to forgive something like that the other person would be having to be completely truthful about what happened and why it happened, and if they weren't sure why it happened they would need professional help to figure it out, they would need to be genuinely remorseful and demonstrate how they're changing to make sure that never happens again, they would be doing everything in their power to build up the trust again before I considered taking them back. But it sounds as though he really thinks deep down that its not a big deal and that you're over reacting.

You do need legal advice, at the moment I'd tell him you are considering everything so that he doesn't start hiding any money. You don't have to make any decisions yet

Ariesbaby89 · 03/12/2020 04:41

I’m so sorry OP, wow what a bastard he is. 10 years he’s been having an affair and he expects you to believe they’ve only had sex 5/6 times?!

Please get your ducks in a row, seek legal advice straight away and if your DCs ask what’s happening tell him to explain the hurt he’s caused. You deserve so much better OP, lots of love! X

Ariesbaby89 · 03/12/2020 04:45

I also personally think staying with him will be a lot more emotionally draining then leaving. He lied for 10 years, so to him what’s another 10 more? You’ll forever be wondering and looking over your shoulder.

deannsmith · 03/12/2020 07:09

Your situation is extremely difficult. If it weren't for 38 years of being married together, I would advise you to file for divorce through onlinedivorcer.co.uk and that would be the end of it. But since you've been together for so long, try to work it out among yourself. It seems to me that your children don't need to know about this, believe me, they won't get any better from this. If you want to save your marriage, and your partner wants the same, see a therapist. Even if your husband doesn't want to work on restoring your relationship, still contact a psychologist, he will help you figure it out.

Original poster

jusstme · 03/12/2020 07:32

@janaus50s

Your story is my story. So, so sad.

Did you stay with him?

OP posts:

Puzzledandpissedoff · 03/12/2020 12:03

You do need legal advice, at the moment I'd tell him you are considering everything so that he doesn't start hiding any money

Yes to the legal advice (obviously) but I really wouldn't say anything that revealed I was doing it

With such longstanding deceit there's no knowing that he hasn't already done this himself on a "just in case" basis, and as said OP's priority needs to be herself rather than trusting his commitment

Heartbreakkid · 14/06/2021 15:05

Hi, I may be waaaay too late on this one but if you took a look at your relationship as a whole - how do you feel about it? Has it been a relationship that you feel was good (if you take the cheating out of it). Or do you feel disrespected in the relationship in other ways? He may be acting passive towards his actions but just because he is acting that way it doesn't mean that you have to accept that something that this can be glazed over.

I don't know what decision you made but I'm sure it was the right one for you. The one key thing you can take from this is you are top priority. I have had recently been in the same situation and while I stayed and we are going to counselling I have also become more independent within the relationship if that makes sense. he knows that I am not the person I was and that I'm not this reliable little dog that sits at home for him and that I am free, I take care of myself, I visit my friends more, and I am happier in essence he has thrown me into a whole world of possibilities I never knew or considered was there for me.

I wish you lots of love. Never forget you're stronger than you will ever know and you deserve the very best and maybe you can reclaim your power from this.

CorianderBee · 14/06/2021 15:15

Yeah I wouldn't believe it was 5 or 6 times in 11 years tbh. I'd leave him. He's been having an affair for a decade. I imagine he's been stringing her along with all sorts of lies about you too.

Sorry this has happened to you love x

CorianderBee · 14/06/2021 15:18

Sorry just spotted this is from December. Ignore me.

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