Scared of leaving boyfriend - turns into hulk - Therapy or leave?..

[Fragrancewaxboss]

Ive been with someone for a couple of years, but it wasnt going so well due to his insecurities and jealousy.

He constantly checks my phone, reads every message on every app, and if i show him something on my phone, he tells me to turn up my brightness or turn it down so he can see what the notifications are. If i leave the room, i catch him moving away from my phone, sometimes when im in the same room with my back turned. He tells me i have a message before i even get a chance to look at it, if i have a phone call he asks me who it is every single time, if i laughed or smiled on the phone he would be screw facing until i told him who it was.

When i walk my dog i usually pass people i know so ill stop for a few minutes to chat. My friend caught him following me, hiding behind a tree and another time i caught him behind a car, he was pretending to look for something and if i walk too long which is over 10 minutes, he will come looking for me because he is 'worried', or thinks im cheating.

I have a business and i dont really care who my customers are, but he doesnt like anyone so i have to turn away customers and its really affecting my business. A friend of my family has 2 sons who i went to school with and shes a good customer. I went inside her house to deliver her goods and show her some things, i was in the house for 7 minutes, came out and i didnt even put my second foot in the car before he sped off and started shouting and screaming like the hulk again asking did i go upstairs with them boys, what was i doing, what did we talk about, did i talk to them and why were they there and did i hug them etc. He almost crashed into the back of someone, we had to swerve onto incoming traffic. It was so scary, and it was for absolutely no reason!

Another thing i dont understand, he cries about everything, and puts on a sad face on a daily basis. If i tell him no, ask him to pick up his clothes, tell him to stop overfilling the washing machine, he will go from happy to about to cry in a second. I cant tell him anything without him doing this,it makes me feel so bad!! But i have no reason to feel bad, i thought it was normal to yell at your other half about stuff like that, ive never yelled and just ask politely but he basically cries, doesnt do what i ask, i feel have to ask again and again and he acts the same way and is sad for hours!!

Everytime we have a good day, he ruins it by almost crying so i ask whats wrong, and he says he just wants to make me happy and he hates making me sad...... i was just happy??!!!??! He goes on and on and cries and says to promise im not going to leave him or that i want someone with a nice body or something..oh my god im so miserable afterwards!!!

A new recent thing hes start doing is having dreams of me cheating and using it as am excuse to look through my phone. His whole day is moody because of the dream, talks to me about how im going to leave him and cheat. I try to tell him its not real, not to take his dreams seriously. He says them in such detail that ive started to think he may be making it up.. ive had to keep my dog somewhere else because hes made me believe my neighbours were standing with a knife at the window looking at me (we have issues with them) ..so now i havent left the house in 3 months. He tells me he doesnt feel comfortable with me going out anywhere when hes not there, but then he doesnt want to go out whe he gets home. I ask him to go for a walk with me but he always has an excuse, to try to help him lose weight, mainly for his health but sex is so painful for me because hes so heavy so thats also part of it. He wont walk after dinner because he always feels sleepy and has a nap. Hes so unhealthy he consumed 1/4 of a large pack of butter in one day, along with a takeaway burger and a whole loaf of bread. He basically drinks butter, eats way too much bread (4+ per week by himself), and eats in about 45 seconds. Its actually very scary and makes me so uncomfortable. I warmed up my gravy for 1 minute and 20.seconds, and as i was taking it out he came back in with a clean plate. MASSIVE ROAST DINNER. I couldnt believe it. Theres eating quick, and then there is THAT. We never eat together because by the time i have poured us a drink he has finished. He complains about his body constantly and says he wants to change at the start of our relationship but he just keeps getting bigger and more unhealthy. He even lies saying he dropped loads of butter on the floor and explains hes made 4 different thinks that need butter. Should i get him to speak to a doctor about his eating? Its so uncomfortable to watch and no matter what i do, he will evem turn my food away and say he doesnt fancy it.
I wouldnt dare mention anything about me trying to help him lose weight or about being healthy or calories because he twists it and starts crying saying that i dont love him and i dont love his body, but i want him to live a long healthy life, and im very worried for his health. (Also drinks about 3 redbulls a day and raids my change jar or wakes me up for change out of my purse)

Shortly after the start of him moving in with me and my family, he quit his job because he hated it...i then had to provide for him, buy him food, clothes, toileries, petrol, 250g tobacco per month.. He was limiting my work because i couldnt respond to anyone he didnt like so i couldnt save for a car. I still dont have money for a car. A few months ago his friend said to stop him being a bum he will pay him to work for him but only gets 500 a month, which he uses for petrol to actually get there, energy drinks every day, and tobacco. He will have a little bit left over at the end which he will waste on expensive flowers or sweets for us. I dont want stupid flowers i want to give my family his rent money. I used to really want a man to buy me flowers, but not when we are skint like this, its a silly thing to do. £20 could go on gas or electric which im struggling to keep up with..he liked doing what hes doing but he makes no money half goes on smoke and half goes on actually getting there!!!

Ive always said i wouldnt leave anyone because they have no money, but surly this is different. Hes just living off me and enjoying himself at work with his best friend making peanuts while i pay for it all. Its just not fair.

I have a medical condition and its so rare theres only a couple of private facebook groups in the world, and i was joined to them both. I cant have children, my other half has a 3 year old. I was finding it difficult as first because he would come home and tell me how amazing it is to be a dad, telling me all these things and i understand he must be so happy and proud at the gorgeous baby he created, when he would constantly say stuff like that, he started becoming very painful to hear. I keep strong because i love him, and its not his fault i feel this way so i wrote to these ladies on the private group and asked for some advice with being with someone who has children... he went and made a fake facebook account, requested to join and made up a lie to get in, and read through everything i have ever posted on the group. I would never want a boyfriend or any man to read what i have wrote but he wont leave the group and now i have left. I no longer have any support for my condition, and its very stressful and upsetting. I really needed to ask a question so i rejoined and a few hours later he told me he saw the post and wanted to talk about it.

My respect for him lowered so much after this. And so has my trust for him. He doesnt trust me because he thinks im too pretty for him. Hes actually done something to hurt me deeply but thinks im stupid for feeling this way because if i loved him i would want him to know...
I know hes my partner and he says if i love him then we should have no secrets.

I tried to break it off with him after nearly a year but he turned into the hulk and started punching himself in the face. Hes so strong and he has lots of power. He screams and just punches himself, and its not just when i tried to end things. If we have an argument about something, even if its not even a big argument he will start doing the same thing, hitting himself, says hes going to kill himself...he sat at the top of the road for hours. I didnt realise it was him at first because it was dark but when i realised, why would he just sit there for hours!!! He didnt go back to his mums, and im not surprised because its so toxic. They are so alike and if me or him turn her down or disagree she goes upstairs to cry and wont come down.
We went away for the day, separate cars because of the virus, i had my dog with me and she took her lead off me and said that im going into the shop with bf.. i said no its ok id rather not go inside anywhere because of the virus, to which she said in a more firm voice that im going in the shop and she will hold the dog. I wasnt about to argue over something so pointless so i just did it..10 mins before she tried to feed the dog and my bf told her off. When i went in the shop i turned to look but she was infront of the dog crouching down. When we got home the dog was sick and had diarreah, and i strongly believe she gave the dog whatever food she was eating. Even after we told her the dog gets so ill and costs so much money for the vets, why would she do this on purpose!? I had to stop her giving the dog chocolate on two other occasions and she just said oh sorry didnt know....but she did because i told her a few times. Common knowledge not to give dogs chocolate.

I feel like ive been brainwashed. Im surrounded by toxic and negative people and im not coping with it very well. Ive just been letting it happen, i dont have the strength. Im scared that he wont leave me alone if we break up, or if he tries to kill himself then people will think its my fault. Ive already been in a abusive relationship where i was constantly covered in bruises and i dont think im completely healed. But this relationship has been a setback for my health. Im scared of my current partner but is that because of my ex or is he actually abit stalkery? I love taking care of my apperance, ever since i was young id wear makeup all the time, i was happy, i felt good about myself. But i cant put makeup on, or even look in the mirror at myself because he will ask me who im trying to look good for, and why am i doing that...im checking i havent got food round my mouth, dont want to smell like BO when i go to a shop, dont want to leave with hair all over the place, its general i dont do it for anyone, i just like to take care of my apperance. I dont even know how to explain it i never thought it would be something i would have to explain. I just dont want to look stupid???

Shall i try going to therapy to help him with his issues? Or shall i leave. My head is such a mess i really feel like ive been brainwashed all the stuff im saying doesnt seem normal but he makes it feel normal.

Ifeel like checking into a mental hospital and im only 25.

Are these things normal? Am i the one in the wrong?

The fact that you do not live with him, he lives with you is a major advantage.

It ought to be. But if the OP needs the current roof over her head she unfortunately won't be able to disappear after putting him out. And the man sounds dangerous. I doubt he'll just slink away quietly. He's already stalking her while they're apparently still 'together'.

I understand why a lot of PPs worry that he might be dangerous and you can never be too cautious, but he could just be the type of pathetic man who’ll have a whine and a grumble about how mean the OP is to him before setting his sights on his next victim.
He does have a child whom - if I’m reading the OP’s first post correctly - he’s in contact with so presumably he has an ex that was able to get rid of him just fine. Unless of course there’s a backstory regarding that breakup that we don’t know about.

@AspiringAmazon

I understand why a lot of PPs worry that he might be dangerous and you can never be too cautious, but he could just be the type of pathetic man who’ll have a whine and a grumble about how mean the OP is to him before setting his sights on his next victim. He does have a child whom - if I’m reading the OP’s first post correctly - he’s in contact with so presumably he has an ex that was able to get rid of him just fine. Unless of course there’s a backstory regarding that breakup that we don’t know about.

Half of him sounds like an overgrown child who perhaps has a low IQ or something or some kind of caricature of a weird man baby but there is definitely an extremely dangerous volatile side to him..

He almost crashed the car
Punched himself in the face repeatedly
Controls everything she does
Took away her only support system for her medical condition
had an argument and went and sat at the top of the road for hours...what kind of weird thoughts were going through his head when he did that, he's definitely a dangerous type!

Tell your Dad you want your bf out and tell him why. Financially abusive and a bully. Blurt it out, text it, leave a letter in his pocket, whatever you need to do.
Your bf has somewhere to go and a car.
This is one of the most abusive, controlling and disturbing posts I have ever read.
I expect bf will react how he always does, because it has always worked for him. Totally ignore his antics.

Buy some locks too.
Wishing you the very best of luck OP, I have my fingers tightly crossed, you can do this.

@willowmelangell

Tell your Dad you want your bf out and tell him why. Financially abusive and a bully. Blurt it out, text it, leave a letter in his pocket, whatever you need to do. Your bf has somewhere to go and a car. This is one of the most abusive, controlling and disturbing posts I have ever read. I expect bf will react how he always does, because it has always worked for him. Totally ignore his antics. Buy some locks too. Wishing you the very best of luck OP, I have my fingers tightly crossed, you can do this.

Please listen to this advice OP and lean on your dad - he's a huge blessing at times like this.

Oh my fucking God.

You're only 25.

GET OUT. NOW!!!!!!

tried to break it off with him after nearly a year but he turned into the hulk and started punching himself in the face. Hes so strong and he has lots of power. He screams and just punches himself, and its not just when i tried to end things. If we have an argument about something, even if its not even a big argument he will start doing the same thing, hitting himself, says hes going to kill himself...he sat at the top of the road for hours

Thank goodness you've come to Mumsnet. You must tell the police about all of this. He is mentally unstable and you're in danger. It might be you on the other end of that punching soon. He absolutely cannot control his emotions and he's a mess. I would say he's mentally ill too and needs help on that front.

I tried asking for his mums support but whem i told her some of this stuff she just 'awww poor boy he must be feeling so and so' and makes up excuses for why he acts the way he does. I couldnt believe her reaction. I wanted her help but shes an enabler. Shes not my family so i was less ashamed telling her but it backfired

Your mum needs her head checked. It's a mum's job to protect her children. Don't get into conversation with her again about it. Tell her you want to move in with her for the time being because you're breaking up with him. On no account is she to answer his desperate calls, speak to him, or let him in. He sounds unstable and you absolutely need to inform the police of your plans and get them to inform his local GP as there could be a suicide attempt. Do not tell him you're leaving and don't leave a note . That's very important. The police might need to help you move out.

You are a total prisoner in the relationship. Well done for keeping up your business through all of it.

I want you to realise that your boundaries have been erroded and unfortunately have made you almost deaf to the alarm bells. Your absue has made you more resilient than you should be and has skewed your standards.

I hope you release yourself from this toxicity soon and hope you remain safe.

If he checks your phone, make sure he cant read this thread.

This bloke is sounds seriously dangerous.

Darling. This never gets better. It only gets worse. Get everything in order and leave in secret. Its the only way you'll have a chance in life. Run.

Please take all of the advice posters have offered. You don’t have any kind of meaningful relationship with this man because, frankly, he appears incapable of having one. He does not respect you. He does not see you as an independent person. He sees you as emotional punchbag and possession. From your description, he shows clear signs of serious mental illness and I’d be wondering about drug use, too. He is potentially dangerous. Please get support from Women’s Aid, or a local domestic abuse charity and take steps to get him out. Report this to the police because coercive control is a crime (and this is what I’d call his behaviour) and because you may need legal enforcement to keep him away from you as he has proved he is a stalker. Do NOT warn him you intend to end the relationship. Make sure he can’t figure out this thread came from you. Good luck, OP, you deserve so much more.

I was ready to leave him at the start of the second paragraph.

You sound terrified and miserable - with good reason. You say you feel brainwashed - that's because the type of abuse he has inflicted on you is very deliberately a type of brain washing. Thank goodness you are now starting to see things more clearly again.

He is an appalling person and what he has done to you is deliberate and disgusting. You owe him nothing, he's just a bastard, and you have been his victim, so please stop feeling any responsibility for his wellbeing. He sure doesn't give a shiny shit about yours.

His mum probably reacted that way as she is relieved to be shot of him and doesn't want this awful person back in her home. Tough. He can go there, or somewhere else, or go to hell for all you should care.

Tell your Dad. Please. Get him thrown out of your home. Talk to the police first and report the abusive behaviour, and if he turns nasty you can call them. Block him on your phone/email/social media. If he makes silly threats about suicide (and they are silly threats, he won't, it's just another of his tactics to control you) call 999 and they will do a welfare check (and not be very pleased with him for faking).

It will be a hard couple of months, but compare that to having a miserable rest-of-you-life with this nasty tosser.

Leave now. Let him cry threaten punch himself as much as he wants but don’t go back

He is a vulnerable narcissist. This is hopeless. You will never get through to him. I second getting police involvement

He definitely sounds dangerous and the kind of guy who could try to seriously harm or even kill you to keep you away from other men. You need to get out, but as others have said I wouldn’t break up with him. Sneak away at the first available opportunity and go somewhere he can’t find you.

OP,

I'm all in favour of therapy but it's not a good idea here

This is a very,very dangerous situation for you.

When he finds out you want to leave, his brain will go into "threat elimination" mode. The threat is that he will find himself alone and he knows he can't cope, because he's feeding off you.

You then personify the "threat" that he must "eliminate". He probably won't be able to stop himself.

Domestic abuse: Killers 'follow eight-stage pattern', study says:
www.bbc.com/news/uk-49481998

The eight steps she discovered in almost all of the 372 killings she studied were:

A pre-relationship <strong>history of stalking or abuse</strong> by the perpetrator

The <strong>romance developing</strong> quickly into a serious relationship

The relationship becoming dominated by <strong>coercive control</strong>

A <strong>trigger</strong> to threaten the perpetrator's control - for example, the <strong>relationship ends</strong> or the perpetrator gets into financial difficulty

<strong>Escalation</strong> - an increase in the intensity or frequency of the partner's control tactics, such as by stalking or threatening suicide

The perpetrator has a <strong>change in thinking</strong> - choosing to move on, either through revenge or by homicide

<strong>Planning</strong> - the perpetrator might buy weapons or seek opportunities to get the victim alone

<strong>Homicide</strong>- the perpetrator kills his or her partner, and possibly hurts others such as the victim's children

You are 25 and your boundaries, already skewed by previous abuse, are being further eroded by this dangerous individual now. This man targeted you deliberately, he sensed something here within you he can and has indeed exploited for his own ends.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Counselling/therapy for your own self is necessary here, how is it this man managed to attach himself to you like he has?. What made you attracted to him? (and your ex who beat you up and you are correct in that you're not healed). I would also suggest that going forward you do not enter into romantic relationships at least for a year or two because you are so vulnerable at present you could too easily go straight into another one. Do look at the Freedom Programme here, this could help you as a part of your ongoing recovery from abuse. Make your 26th year on this planet far happier for you by getting this dangerous individual out of your life once and for all.

You also need the police here and a non molestation order against him.

Do not be afraid to involve the police. There is no shame.

There should now be trained officers in every force to deal with this. A friend of mine registered online to record fears about her ex, and she was contacted the next day by a female officer who took her very seriously.

xxx

What's sad is that he is the one who needs to go to a mental hospital.

But he won't. Once OP has gone, he will find a new victim

Until every woman on the planet learns to spot the signs very early and stay away, it carry on like this. The battle continues.

Zombie thread?

Zombie - yes - it's been bumped by a spammer by the looks of it.

Why do they do this? Grrr.

Well, all the good advice still stands! Hope OP is ok!

Oh my goodness, run!

Hi all,

This is a thread from last year which was reactivated by a spammer. The OP's no longer a member of the site so won't be returning to update this thread, so we're going to close it to new posts.

Thanks to everyone who gave advice and support at the time.