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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Confusing Break Up

40 replies

ellie09 · 30/11/2020 22:46

I've been with my partner for nearly a year and a half, lived together for a year. I have a son from a previous marriage, and we have a dog together.

My partner had always had mental health issues and it was something I had accepted as I have battled my own demons too. He was in a mountain of debt, worked 60+ hours a week and found out he was infertile but I stood by him. I had a few issues of my own, nothing life changing but I thought we had moved past these.

The last couple of months he had been slipping further and further away. Sleeping all the time, grumpy, seemed distant though still affectionate at times. I tried hard to support him and I'd lay in bed with him while he cried, but I couldn't do anything else to help.

Fast forward to now, he said his head is a mess, that he needs time to focus on him without a relationship although he still wants me as his best friend. He says he feels guilty for me and what he continues to my life. He packed his bags that day and left, leaving me devastated.

Since he's left, he has been texting me non stop, about how much he loves me and how much he will regret letting me go. He says he misses us all and still wants to see us. He wants to regularly see me to chill out, for coffee etc and wants to see my child and our dog. He says he could never cut us out of his life. He says he's open in the future to getting back together but we should see if it just happens "naturally"

He's still texting me about his day, asking how i am, saying goodnight and "love you" before bed. He's coming up on Wednesday and said we should chill out with some food and take the dog a walk.

Of course I'd be open to getting back with him when he is better, but I just wanted some outside perspective on what his intentions are or if this is a good idea or not?

I adore him, we are best friends and we click together so well. It really does seem like the right people but the wrong time

OP posts:

Calmate · 30/11/2020 23:12

OP, he sounds depressed, and it also sounds as if you have done everything you can to support him, and now he has left, you are still a good friend to him, you must have the patience of a saint. He has been quite selfish towards you, to say the least, and now he is being cruel and keeping you on tenterhooks, not knowing where you stand. You say you adore him, but do you think it could be co-dependency? Some other posters will be on here with better advice, best wishes to you

Original poster

ellie09 · 01/12/2020 04:25

Yes, I just feel confused about it all, as I had always been supportive of his depression yet he has now fled the home he got unconditional love from and went back to live in his childhood home with his horrible mum who chose to let her boyfriend and other son mentally and physically abuse him when he was a child and a teenager.

I don't know if his depression is just so far gone, his thinking is just completely distorted. I've suffered badly from depression before so know how much your rational thinking and self confidence lowers and how you withdraw from those who love you because of guilt and shame.

It just hurts so much to have somebody reject you yet still lean on you so much for support and love. He still wants to come down xmas eve to help me build my child's presents as well had planned from the start. He's even bringing us up gifts he has got us because he said he has nobody else to buy for and that we are his world

He has said I can walk away from him if it is too painful, and that although it will hurt him, that he will understand why I did. But I can't walk away. He was my partner yes, but the connection as best friends only strengthened more as time went on and I fear if I walk away that I will regret losing my best friend or that something will happen to him through lack of support

I still try and help him the best I can, by getting him some self help therapy books, some general books, setting up a care package with lots of wee things he likes or stuff I feel he needs as he's sitting up in his old room at his mums house with not even a TV

I am just heartbroken and confused as to why he has walked away from us to ho back to that life, if he still loves us as much as he says and feels "regret"

OP posts:

WokeUpBecauseIWasWarm · 01/12/2020 05:12

I'd be saying no to some of his requests if I were you.

He doesnt get to walk away and then still reap the benefits of a relationship surely?

Build your child's presents on your own. All you have talked about is what he wants. What do you want?

Rainbowqueeen · 01/12/2020 05:46

Good question - what do you want? Also what is best for you??
And your DC

I would worry that you are codependent and that it would be better for you to separate completely while he works on his issues.

category12 · 01/12/2020 05:51

Is he actually engaging with any real life therapy or trying medication?

Original poster

ellie09 · 01/12/2020 06:37

He has been on anti depressants the entire time I have known him and is also going to weekly counseling and nothing seems to be working

I would say we are both a bit co-dependent as we seem to be leaning on each other a lot

I would just worry that he is taking advantage, getting his emotional needs met with certain aspects he feels he needs from a relationship and ignoring mine. I don't want it to turn into some weird "situation ship" or FWB/ on off again relationship

OP posts:

MRC20 · 01/12/2020 06:42

I'm sorry but why are you being this mans emotional support dog? He dumped you, he's just stringing you along as he needs you. You won't hear from him again once someone else comes along. It's the old 'I care too much about you to be in a proper relationship but I still need sex and support while I find someone else'.

PamDemic · 01/12/2020 06:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Takethewinefromtheswine · 01/12/2020 06:55

Well. He sounds like a real catch...
OP, tell him to do one. He doesn't get to pick and choose which bits of life with you he has and stop letting him do that. And stop letting him play daddy to dc, if you are confused imagine how dc feels if he's gone, he's here to walk the dog, he's gone, he's here on Christmas morning...

category12 · 01/12/2020 06:58

Maybe he needs to try a different therapist or form of therapy.

For you, I think you need to put your own mental wellbeing and your son's interests ahead of this man's ongoing mental health problems. I don't think it's tenable or emotionally safe to have a one foot in, one foot out so-called "friendship" like this. Your ex is being extremely selfish and self-absorbed to expect essentially the same level of emotional support and the nice bits of family life, while withdrawing from its commitments.

If you are still having sex with him, you need to stop.

And you need to put your own emotional interests ahead of his - all this energy you're expending on him rightly belongs to your son and yourself.

If he's not in the relationship, he shouldn't continue to get its benefits.

As per pps, you might like to look into co-dependence.

honeylulu · 01/12/2020 07:05

You sound very passive. Why aren't you angrier with him? His comment that he might be open to getting back together in the future made me really cross! It's as if he thinks you don't get a say, that you're going to sit there pining and waiting for him to make up his mind (or not).

He sounds like a bit of a wet weekend to be honest, and selfish to boot. If there wasn't a pandemic I'd be suggesting you go out on a few dates and see what else is out there.

Windmillwhirl · 01/12/2020 07:06

I would also worry you are codependent
He moved in quickly even though you said he had mental health issues (were you even aware what they were and how they may impact your child?), was in debt and worked so much your time together was limited.

It's one thing being supportive but you took on a lot with someone you didnt know very well, if at all.

If he has gone he needs to cut the contact so you can heal. He left for a reason. He doesn't get to leave and keep you hanging. Sadly, I feel you will let him.

Original poster

ellie09 · 01/12/2020 07:48

Im not having sex with him, and I don't forsee that happening. He is also infertile and said he felt a lot of guilt for not being able to give me more children, but I had accepted that as well

He made a comment the other day saying "should we just make a pact that it will be the 4 of us forever?" which confused me as I don't know how it can be when he is not here

He has asked me what I want but right at the start of a break up your emotions are raw and it is hard to know what exactly you want

OP posts:

category12 · 01/12/2020 07:55

He made a comment the other day saying "should we just make a pact that it will be the 4 of us forever?" which confused me as I don't know how it can be when he is not here
Basically he wants you to commit to being there for him whatever, while he picks and chooses.

Mermaidwaves · 01/12/2020 08:14

Don't do this OP, he is having his cake and eating it. He is saying all the right things to keep you hooked and he sounds incredibly immature and selfish, its all about his needs. Think about it, if he wanted it to be the four of you forever, why is he not in a relationship with you? He's using you as the fallback girl and when he meets someone else you will be dropped. He also sounds like hard work and you will always be having to look after him I suspect.

You sound like a lovely supportive person OP, save it for someone who deserves it.

Groovinpeanut · 01/12/2020 08:26

OP you've invested an awful lot in this relationship, and in this man. You seem to be focused on what he's said and is continuing to say.
But what about you?
I would try to make yourself less available. He's got you dangling on a piece of string.

I would focus on moving your life forward. His instability is making your life unstable. You can't rescue this man.
Get your life and support system in place, you'll be to-ing and fro-ing for years if you stay in this situation.

Original poster

ellie09 · 01/12/2020 09:17

I also work 45+ hours a week and I feel mentally exhausted. I got to the gym and have hobbies as well, but I always felt guilty while I was out doing these things and he was stuck in bed sleeping. I know it does not sound like an ideal relationship but this was only at the end.

I just hate seeing someone you love in so much turmoil and pain

OP posts:

category12 · 01/12/2020 09:30

I know it does not sound like an ideal relationship but this was only at the end.
But you've only been together 18 months. This was the honeymoon period.

Have you a history of co-dependence or being "rescuer" to partners or friends? Are you the strong dependable one who never needs anything in your family?

ravenmum · 01/12/2020 09:35

Read back through what you've just written and count the number of times you wrote "He says", "He wants us to", "he says we should", "He says I can".

You're a responsible parent with a child you need to put first, and really don't need a man telling you what to do, while at the same time mucking you and your son about by doing exactly what he likes with no care at all about how much his actions might put you both out.

I just hate seeing someone you love in so much turmoil and pain
He should be thinking the same thing. He should be thinking "I'd better not muck ellie and her son about as I don't want to hurt them". Instead he's leading you on a merry dance. You are in turmoil and pain as a result.
You are assuming that if you passively do what he says, then that will somehow reduce his issues. That is not how it works.

celticmissey · 01/12/2020 09:37

OP it's hard when someone you care for has depression. I lived with my partner who suffered from it for 18 years. I went above and beyond supporting him. Most of the time he was snappy and did hardly anything to help at home. I became exhausted doing everything, but he could find time for his hobbies. I've just called it a day. I finally realised I got nothing out of the relationship including peace of mind so I ended it.

Depression is an awful illness, but it doesn't excuse someone keeping you dangling. He sounds like he wants you at his beck and call when he feels like. Almost like he doesn't want you but he doesn't want anyone else to have you either. He's not going to change. He's left now. This will probably be as good as it gets.

Living with someone with depression is very draining but if you continue like this you risk your own mental health too and a positive future. Don't play this game. It will make you ill. You need to concentrate on stability in your life and in this situation you need to be the one to make the final decision on your relationship not him.

PamDemic · 01/12/2020 09:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MyOwnSummer · 01/12/2020 10:27

Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

His issues sound genuine, but he is putting you in the position of giving him everything he needs - you are his main support - but he is not giving you what you need.

Don't accept this, it's bullshit. He is selfishly trying to keep you for himself but not looking at anything from your point of view. You are just an unpaid volunteer to help him through life - fuck that.

ravenmum · 01/12/2020 10:38

Also, when you say it's your dog, do you mean you two got the dog together? If so, why has he left you in charge of the dog? You are a single parent with a busy job. Why didn't he take it?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 01/12/2020 10:59

You have a dependent son yet you still moved in with a man who was in mountains of debt and had mental health problems after six months.

I'm baffled at how selfish and foolish a decision that was. You now have the chance to put it right. Stop engaging with this man and move on.

Original poster

ellie09 · 01/12/2020 11:00

He bought me the dog for my birthday back in April and he did prefer to take it but I insisted on keeping it for the child because he loves her to death and has autism so too much change in the one time might upset him massively and I didn't want that

Absolutely my son is number 1 priority and he knows this

OP posts:

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