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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Confusing Break Up

40 replies

ellie09 · 30/11/2020 22:46

I've been with my partner for nearly a year and a half, lived together for a year. I have a son from a previous marriage, and we have a dog together.

My partner had always had mental health issues and it was something I had accepted as I have battled my own demons too. He was in a mountain of debt, worked 60+ hours a week and found out he was infertile but I stood by him. I had a few issues of my own, nothing life changing but I thought we had moved past these.

The last couple of months he had been slipping further and further away. Sleeping all the time, grumpy, seemed distant though still affectionate at times. I tried hard to support him and I'd lay in bed with him while he cried, but I couldn't do anything else to help.

Fast forward to now, he said his head is a mess, that he needs time to focus on him without a relationship although he still wants me as his best friend. He says he feels guilty for me and what he continues to my life. He packed his bags that day and left, leaving me devastated.

Since he's left, he has been texting me non stop, about how much he loves me and how much he will regret letting me go. He says he misses us all and still wants to see us. He wants to regularly see me to chill out, for coffee etc and wants to see my child and our dog. He says he could never cut us out of his life. He says he's open in the future to getting back together but we should see if it just happens "naturally"

He's still texting me about his day, asking how i am, saying goodnight and "love you" before bed. He's coming up on Wednesday and said we should chill out with some food and take the dog a walk.

Of course I'd be open to getting back with him when he is better, but I just wanted some outside perspective on what his intentions are or if this is a good idea or not?

I adore him, we are best friends and we click together so well. It really does seem like the right people but the wrong time

OP posts:

Catsup · 01/12/2020 11:10

Honestly? He sounds like a complete headfuck. It's all about him, his wants, his needs, he's even saying if you choose to breakup with him (although he's broken up with you 🤔) how much it'll effect him.... There's nothing about you in any of that OP. Its been 18mth, how would you feel living with it for the next 18yrs or more? It sounds so fucking exhausting! Don't be dragged back into being his emotional crutch.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 01/12/2020 11:18

@ellie09

He bought me the dog for my birthday back in April and he did prefer to take it but I insisted on keeping it for the child because he loves her to death and has autism so too much change in the one time might upset him massively and I didn't want that

Absolutely my son is number 1 priority and he knows this

If change upsets him then moving a man in sixth months into your relationship was an even worse decision. You say your son comes first. This man is not a secure, settled and positive partner. He is therefore not a suitable candidate to be in a relationship with as a single parent. Put your boy first and let the man go. You're using time and energy focusing on fixing a grown man and holding his hand through a half relationship but you have a little boy who needs that time and energy more. And deserves it.

cuddlymunchkin · 01/12/2020 11:21

He wants you for your emotional support and doesn't want to be obligated to give you anything. All one way. You'd be a fool to accept that.

PamDemic · 01/12/2020 11:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wimto · 01/12/2020 12:16

He just wants all the emotional support of a relationship without the hard bits. I would stop contact with him really, he using you. Moving him in after 6 months was a little hasty. He’s out now so I’d keep it that way

TwentyViginti · 01/12/2020 12:22

You didn't put your son first. You moved an unstable, debt ridden headfuck of a man into his home.

Stop engaging with this nonsense from him.

Original poster

ellie09 · 01/12/2020 12:51

I should probably elaborate. My son is only recently diagnosed and we did not know this when we first got together.

Looking back, he was the one initiated moving in, getting the dog and all of the major changes which is strange. Of course I could have said no, but its a lesson to be learned I suppose that I need to stand up for myself a lot better

As he had always worked so much, my little one always had my attention and was top priority

OP posts:

ravenmum · 01/12/2020 13:03

OP, might he by any chance have been lovebombing you? Did it feel like a huge head-over-heels romantic love story? From my outside POV it just looks like he has taken over your life with no consideration of your needs at all, just trying to look great himself.

The dog thing is just another example of him making a grand, romantic gesture, but in the end effectively lumbering you with another responsibility for the next 10? years. He sounds irresponsible, immature and thoughtless. You are an adult with adult responsibilities.

JurassicParkAha · 01/12/2020 13:06

Even if your son was only recently diagnosed, your ex is absolutely not relationship material atm, certainly not someone who should be moved in, and around your child!! You'd known him only 6 months, when you moved him in....

You're not Florence Nightingale. Why do you think it's a virtue to repair broken, damaged men...?

Of course, it's not strange that he is the one who insisted on the move, dog etc. He saw you as someone he could manipulate, and he still is doing so.

Please cut all contact with him, and I would consider thinking long and hard about why you've let a near stranger dictate the terms on which you live your life. And you're still letting him do it! Focus on yourself, your child, and only letting good energy into your lives - not this toxic BS.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 01/12/2020 13:17

@JurassicParkAha

You're not Florence Nightingale. Why do you think it's a virtue to repair broken, damaged men...?

Of course, it's not strange that he is the one who insisted on the move, dog etc. He saw you as someone he could manipulate, and he still is doing so.

All of this.

Put your little boy first.

AdventureCode · 01/12/2020 13:45

Mountains of debt
Mental health problems
Flaky
Infertile
Wanted to move in together after 6 months

Works 60+ hours but still hasn't got his shit together and still in debt.
Takes medication, but you say he is still in bed and you feel guilty.
Still messes you around, despite knowing you are a working single parent.
Infertile, not really an issue he could help, but if you wanted future children you now can't.
Knowing you have a child and now a dog, he's gone back to mummy and I guess left you with the bills!

All this after 18months, it won't get better.

Aim higher op, you can do better!

Miffyliffy · 05/12/2020 21:45

As others have said he's looking for someone else and you are the safety net.

His actions are showing you everything you need to know. If he wanted you he wouldn't give anyone the opportunity to take his place (he's left and doing his own thing). He's giving you enough attention and enough words to keep you invested but allowing him to act single behind your back and Start trying to find someone else.

Cut him out and work on yourself and your child. It's easier said then done but this sounds toxic and you're letting him walk all over you.

You deserve better. Your child deserves better.

litterbird · 06/12/2020 07:36

Ok, you've read what the other posters have said. You made a massive mistake moving someone in with all his problems far too early. Don't beat yourself up learn from it and NEVER do that again. Your son needs stability and routine, he needs a mum that is not co dependent on a man child. He needs you fully present with him and not this depressive man. Listen to what your ex has said....he is giving you a good "out" he said he says you can walk away if you want to. No man would do that if they loved you. So, stop the nonsense of asking why he is still in contact with you and screwing with your head. Make it short and sharp, tell him to leave you and your son alone, never to contact you again and block. Its harsh but you are a rescuer and you need your energy for your son, this man is not for you and definitely not for your son. Put your son first not your rescuing tendencies for this man. Its over. Move on. Good luck.

YuletidePizza · 06/12/2020 07:59

OP I think he is hedging his bets. He is saying exactly what he needs to say to keep you dangling, whilst he gets his needs met.

I think trying to spend time with friends/hobbies/distractions may help you. Try to move on from him. He's moved from a loving home to one that was allegedly abusive in the past. I'd say he's either a liar or incapable of making rational decisions.

AgentJohnson · 07/12/2020 06:46

He’s done a good job of laying the foundations for a dynamic where he is the priority, one which you allowed and continue to allow.

He’s not your best friend and your son deserves better than some man who treats his mother as an option, while she treats him as a priority.

You can not prioritise your son and a relationship with a man who prioritises his own needs (and yes sometimes his priorities coincide with yours).

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