Would you leave someone for these reasons

[Reggarson]

Yes I know it’s my decision and if it’s wrong for me then that’s all that matters. I’m just thinking it over and wondering if I’m being dramatic.

I’ve only been with DP for 10 months, we’ve bubbled up and lived together recently. I was using his laptop for work when mine stopped working and his email was logged in. It was full of emails from a dating site (from before we met), I can’t remember the name but it’s tagline was ‘illicit encounters’ and the set up was basically people who wanted to be discrete for a bit of fun.

Dp was single for a year before we met and I can’t help but wonder why he didn’t just meet people in the usual way on online dating or at work etc. Why seek out illicit encounters specifically? I guess because it was easier than having to make small talk when you just want sex..but it makes me feel a bit grossed out.

A while ago we went to see his school friend and he asked me to text him the eta (DP was driving). I went to send the message and the last one was from way back (I messaged via Facebook) and it said ‘I need some rebound ASAP’... and it was evident he had been chatting to random women trying to sort out his next opportunity to have sex. I know this is not anything hugely out of the ordinary but the whole thing has made me see him in a different way. I also now know he was seeing someone else when he started seeing me, despite telling me how great he thought I was and giving the impression he was only seeing me (I know he’s not obliged to be exclusive by any particular point if we’ve not discussed it).

I’ve been reflecting on our bedroom activity and he will usually just go straight in for sex, tiny bit of foreplay but just enough to get me going rather than wanting to spend time on it. Absolutely no kissing...when I’ve tried he half heartedly kisses back but what I’m trying to say is there’s not real loving touch there or genuine desire to want to hold me or kiss me...and now I know all of the above I just think this is who he is, maybe I’m just a tick box for his sexual desires...

Whoa bit longer than I intended whoops

I’d dump him for being crap in bed, without needing any other reason.

The mo kissing thing suggests tome either that he’s used to prostitutes, or is getting off on pretending you’re one. Or has appalling breath.

@PigsInHeaven didn’t even think about prostitutes. This site has really made me sad though as it’s clear he’s sought out random illicit sex.

I'd leave for the lack of foreplay alone. And the lack of kissing! I'm not even sure how one can have sex without kissing?

His lack of any intimacy during sex could explain why he went for illicit encounters rather than dating. He seems to see sex as functional rather than an expression of desire, passion or intimacy.

Yeap, I'd say it's a reason to leave. Bad sex in the honeymoon period means even worse sex long term.

Life's too short for bad sex.

I'd dump a shit and selfish shag, yes.

@Thingsdogetbetter do you mean that about kissing? I thought it was strange and mentioned it but he said he just didn’t like it.

The sex isn’t necessarily bad it’s just not at all intimate or close, just sex.

[quote Reggarson]@Thingsdogetbetter do you mean that about kissing? I thought it was strange and mentioned it but he said he just didn’t like it.

The sex isn’t necessarily bad it’s just not at all intimate or close, just sex.[/quote]
Be honest with yourself OP, regardless of anything else do you really want to have a long term partner with whom sex isn't intimate or close?!

The dodgy hook up sites are off putting, each to their own when single but would give the ick knowing his past.

More importantly he's not giving you loving affection which must be very frustrating.

@youvegottenminuteslynn not really, I just can’t imagine what intimate sex should be like. It makes me feel quite sad. I don’t think I will ever find that, nobody has loved me enough i don’t think.

[quote Reggarson]@youvegottenminuteslynn not really, I just can’t imagine what intimate sex should be like. It makes me feel quite sad. I don’t think I will ever find that, nobody has loved me enough i don’t think.[/quote]
There's not much lonelier than being in a relationship where you don't feel loved and don't get affection. Don't hold on to someone who doesn't make you happy just because you're scared they might be the best of the bunch. Because 1. They aren't the best of the bunch and 2. Better to be single and not have your self worth and self esteem further dented than be in a relationship with someone who will chip away at both those things with their lack of affection and intimacy

@Reggarson he doesn't link sex and affection. He link sex to his needs/ quick thrill.

He will only get worse.

He is sexual detached.
But the only one who can decide if this is enough is you.
I couldn't be bothered if he wasn't obsessed with all the affection, even for a one night stand.

So, you've been having crap sex for 10 months, and now you are put off by him having arranged casual sex online before you met. It fits perfectly given his poor technique. This is a man who likes sex just for his own ends and isn't bothered about if the person he's with enjoys it. So casual banging away is probably the level he should stay at, he'd ruin any couple as he has done with you.
Definitely bin for being grim in bed, and not affectionate at all. Without affection, there is no passion, and every woman deserves that in the bedroom

[quote Reggarson]@youvegottenminuteslynn not really, I just can’t imagine what intimate sex should be like. It makes me feel quite sad. I don’t think I will ever find that, nobody has loved me enough i don’t think.[/quote]
Well, no, you won’t find out if you stay with this man.

Exactly as a pp said, he doesn't link affection with sex.

When he gets bored with you it'll be all about how you're not the thrill he needs. He won't give a thought to whether he gave you what you needed.

There are men out there who will put some effort into being in bed with you. It should be exciting, kissing, caressing all that and your needs. It can take a while to find someone who is good relationship material. It comes across that you do not like yourself or you perceive yourself as unlovable. You must like yourself first and foremost irrespective of what you look like i.e. thin, fat or whatever and all your features. And keep friends who make you feel good about yourself then get rid of "friends" who make underhand comments or remarks to you denegrating your self-esteem. And as in cooking when it comes to men "have two or three pans on the boil" dating as you can make your mind up and under no obligation to any of them unless they show something worthwhile.

You don’t need a reason. I dumped someone for wearing elasticated waist jeans.

Grittle 🤣🤣🤣

OP dump him now

I wouldn’t be put off by the casual sex before you met but I would be by the shit sex while you’re together.

And selfish, boring technique is all on him and not a reflection on you – you can have great, intimate sex even with someone you’ve just met or are dating casually. It is not to do with the guy not loving you enough, I promise.

@Grittlelayrabbit

😆😂😂😂

No kissing 😱 I can’t even imagine sex without much kissing or foreplay. You deserve better than him.

No kissing? He can't do intimacy at all basically? You sound very saddened, rightfully so. Get rid in an instant. If you've never experienced real sex, love, passion and intimacy, then for yourself, leave now and at least open yourself to finding it again as you sure as hell won't get it from a man like that.

I'd ask him to go back home, whose idea was it to live together?

@Grittlelayrabbit

You don’t need a reason. I dumped someone for wearing elasticated waist jeans.

A bloke or a woman?

I have never ever seen elasticised waist jeans for men.

(Not the point of the thread I know)

Hook ups for sex before he met me wouldn't really bother me, as long as he'd had a proper meaningful relationship at some point in his life, and that they stopped as soon as we met.

Sex can be good without kissing/caressing/holding...

A relationship for me cannot.

I think you should tell him it's over & he needs to go back from where he came! Move on. You want & deserve more out of a relationship!!