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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do I process disappointment and avoid blame?

27 replies

purplefig · 30/11/2020 17:09

Any tips on allowing yourself to process disappointment in a way that doesn't blame others or make them feel bad?

Long story short...we splurged on a new double fridge freezer. It was a significant amount of money for us. It arrived and the delivery driver said it wouldn't fit through the door but we could try taking the doors off, my husband said thanks and they left. He then unwrapped it from most of the packaging and managed to get it into the kitchen, which to be fair was quite an impressive feat. Sadly, it's now dented in a few places.

I'm really gutted. I know it's a small thing in the grand scheme of things (and I'm aware it probably feels like a bigger disappointment given the relentless crushing disappointment of this year), but still.

I'm also aware I should have spoken up and said let's take the doors off etc. I'm really not a retiring type, but I'm not the most practical person so I kind of left him to it as I was preoccupied with our 9-month-olds dinnertime.

How do I let this go?? I know it seems like a petty, small thing, but I think I have a problem with letting things go in general. Any tips - I'm all ears!

OP posts:

JengaNonConfirming · 30/11/2020 17:12

Stick fridge magnets on the dents!?!

You're not unreasonable to be disappointed, that's really quite natural. You would be unreasonable to not let it go. It's done now, it still works and nobody was hurt.

Original poster

purplefig · 30/11/2020 17:14

Hahaha that's his suggestion. Looking likely

I just struggle to do both of those things simultaneously. E.g. I'm not "over it", even though I know I should be. I know what you're saying is right...but it's like I can't force myself to move on. Seems utterly bizarre when I write it out.

OP posts:

Mrsjayy · 30/11/2020 17:16

I would be gutted too it isn't a huge deal but its brand new. Anyway some fridge magnets and admire the room inside and try and not sigh every time you see the dents.

Mrsjayy · 30/11/2020 17:17

I mean secretly seething is fine just seethe for a few days!

DanikaJ · 30/11/2020 17:17

Oh god I'd be gutted too!

Original poster

purplefig · 30/11/2020 17:32

Just writing this out and hearing you say "I'd be gutted too" has made me feel a bit better.

OP posts:

Lithium2020 · 30/11/2020 17:44

I relate. I avoid confrontation, try to please people and usually just give in for an easy life. But in this instance it actually made your life worse and that being resilient and taking the doors off could have had a better outcome (not certain but still). I think the fact that you've identified this pattern is great.

So why not leave the dents - don't cover them up. And take power and comfort from the knowledge that every time you see them, they are a gentle reminder to nudge you away from being retiring and into a more assertive role

Original poster

purplefig · 30/11/2020 17:52

@Lithium2020 that's a really interesting perspective. I wouldn't say in the context of my marriage I avoid confrontation, if anything the reverse is more true. But I guess quite obviously I should have stepped in and said something.

I suppose if I'm being honest, sometimes I feel like why do I have to be the one that is making suggestions. It just feels like more emotional labour for women. I was preoccupied feeding the baby, why is it my responsibility to also project manage this? It's just disappointing.

OP posts:

Cheesewine · 30/11/2020 17:54

I would be gutted as well. This happened to our washing machine. Went on eBay and bought a dent remover for cars. They suck on and pull out the dent. Wasn't expensive, job done.

Original poster

purplefig · 30/11/2020 17:59

@Cheesewine ooo a genuinely practical idea!!! This kind of thing? www.amazon.co.uk/Manelord-Repair-Puller-Double-Removal/dp/B07HQ3T1SF/?tag=mumsnetforu03-21 would never have occurred to me!

OP posts:

goldenharvest · 30/11/2020 18:00

God. I am the same! When DH fucks up, I am dying to say 'I told you so'. I know it is not a good thing to do as my abusive ExH was always rushing at jobs and it ended up in a disaster, even though I'd said, why don't we do ......, which would have worked.

Saying i told you so, and blaming him just sent him into a rage, as he never, ever accepted responsibility for anything.

So now if something goes wrong with something DH does, I say nothing. He probably feels as irritated with himself as I do, and it does no good. I always say at the time, but if he ignores me I say nothing. I know he remembers what I said, so there's no point rubbing his nose in it.

Cheesewine · 30/11/2020 18:03

@purplefig yes.. although mine was much less elaborate. Just watch a YouTube on how to do it.

Fedup21 · 30/11/2020 18:03

Who are you cross with?

If I was your DH and I’d managed to get the appliance in the house on my own, when the delivery men couldn’t, and someone (who didn’t help me at all) was pissed off with me-I don’t think I’d be very impressed.

20shadesofgreen · 30/11/2020 18:07

Oh God OP I’ve been there. DH has smashed toilets while unblocking them, smashed 2 actual sewer pipes, broken countless other things along the way trying to fix them. His Dad is a total arse but he is absolutely amazing at DIY so whenever (often) DH fecks up I remind myself that when they were giving out the decent personality DH took all of that while his DDad snapped up all the DIY skills. It helps me. It may not be much use for you though.

Eckhart · 30/11/2020 18:08

I don't get what your aim is here. Is it to stop yourself from having/expressing feelings so that other people don't feel bad for doing things that piss you off?

Original poster

purplefig · 30/11/2020 18:17

@Fedup21 yes. Very true. It was genuinely impressive! I did say that it my OP.

@Eckhart would you believe I've read the power of now!? . Yes I think that's it....kind of unhealthy really.

@20shadesofgreen hahaha aww that's lovely of you!

OP posts:

mcmooberry · 30/11/2020 20:48

Is it an LG one?? We have one and it dented within days of getting it when the door swung back and hit the oven rail. I was totally gutted as it was part of a brand new kitchen. I bought a fridge magnet just because I couldn't bear being reminded of it. Since it has dented again at the bottom when I think someone stuck their knee into it. 2 years later I am a bit more chilled about it....

Eckhart · 30/11/2020 20:51

Were you on the other thread where I mentioned the power of now or are you just surmising from my name? I got mixed up about which thread I'm on after reading your comment!

What would you have done if the delivery staff had brought the product in in the same way your husband did, and damaged it in the same way? What would your husband have done?

Original poster

purplefig · 01/12/2020 08:24

@ Eckhart no, just a guess based on your username. If it had been the delivery men I think I would have contacted Currys and asked if they could fix it / replace it.

@mcmooberry nooo!! Pain 😂 ours is not LG.

OP posts:

Eckhart · 01/12/2020 10:12

If it had been the delivery men I think I would have contacted Currys and asked if they could fix it / replace it

What would your husband have done? Would he have accepted damaged goods? Because that's what he's asking you to do. And you're trying to say he did an amazing job. He didn't!

Original poster

purplefig · 01/12/2020 10:59

Sure, but it’s not a direct comparison because if my husband replaced it it would cost me (in that our finances are joint). There is no neat solution like there would be if the delivery men had of damaged it.

And I’m not really sure what my husband could do to make it better? He had apologised and said he’s embarrassed. I’ve mentioned the car debt remover thing so he’s going to look into that.

OP posts:

Eckhart · 01/12/2020 11:16

No, it's not a direct comparison. If he's admitting he's in the wrong, has apologised, and it trying to fix it, that's all he can do. Doesn't stop it being annoying though, or mean that you should try to supress your feelings. I think most people in your position would be pissed off about it.

20shadesofgreen · 01/12/2020 11:28

Yes but we can control how we feel by looking at things in another way. How we think affects how we feel, changing our focus and perspective can change our emotions.

For example the OP could consider that her husband did the best her could given the circumstances. Acceptance in other words.

Say he had taken the doors off and say as happened in our very recent fridge purchase after the door was put back on the seals no longer worked properly. In our case eventually the fridge damaged our brand new kitchen because the condenser was overworking and causing the fridge to leak.

There is no guarantee that short of either moving to a house with a bigger front door, or taking out a large back window or alternatively sending the fridge back and buying another one you weren’t as happy with that there exists an easy solution to the oversized fridge problem.

The OPs husband could equally put the blame back on the OP for buying an oversized fridge. Blame is not helpful. He DH didn’t do this on purpose, he is human, he has limitations he did his best. Disappointment is absolutely to be expected and the OP will process and get over that in time but blaming her DH probably won’t help that.

Eckhart · 01/12/2020 17:39

but we can control how we feel by looking at things in another way

I think that trying to control feelings is impossible (otherwise nobody would ever fall in love with the wrong person, for example), and that people should take responsibility where it's due. Controlling how we respond to our feelings is a different matter, and blame is only necessary when people do not take responsibility at times when they should. It seems like OP's husband has, and so, as long as she doesn't respond to her feelings in a damaging way, it's an issue well managed. Being fed up for a bit and clear about why isn't damaging. It's an authentic response to a reasonable emotion, and it's much better than covering it up and saying 'No really, dear, it's fine!' and then feeling rubbish.

20shadesofgreen · 01/12/2020 19:15

and blame is only necessary when people do not take responsibility at times when they should

That is very true.

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