MIL, have tried grey rock, what next?

[showgirlie]

MIL minds my DC 2 days a week and im very grateful for this but shes very different to my own mother and i find it difficult to be around her. She can be great in some ways, thoughtful and helpful but a bit of a martyr. Shes also judgemental and superficial, more concerned about how clean or perfect someones house is sitting or what clothes they're wearing than deeper more important things.

She is excellent at getting a little sly dig in here and there (the ones where you question yourself thinking am i being too sensitive), often theres an unlying current and it can be awkward.

DH doesn't really pull her up on things because 1. He doesn't care enough about what she thinks (fair enough) 2. Usually when they fall out its massive. Ive never really had huge fall outs with my mum.

Anyway, i have to have minimal contact with her for drop off/pick ups etc but ive cut down on any messages, i will politely reply but do not ask questions or initiate anymore conversation.

How do i deal with her when i do have to see her? I find it difficult because if she were my mother i would call her out and it would be done with but as shes my MIL it's awkward! I just feel so awkward around her like I can't just be chilled around her.

Why do you feel the need to "call her out on it"? Aren't we allowed to have different personalities anymore? Just because she isn't like your mum doesn't mean that she's wrong. We all have faults, nobody is perfect.

You can't change her so either live with it and accept it or find alternative childcare for you children.

She's never going to be the person you want her to be.

Honestly, the first step is to STOP CARING about that. My MIL says all kinds of shit and in all honesty, I do not care anymore.

You need to outwardly say nothing of substance, and internally say "haha whatever, why would you even say that?" to yourself.

I mean call her out if she made a snide remark or sly dig. Yes I accept we have different personalities and therefore find different things important and so when I'm in her company I'm polite and can mostly chat to her and have a conversation but I wanted to know how others dealt with similar situations

@MyOwnSummer

She's never going to be the person you want her to be.

Honestly, the first step is to STOP CARING about that. My MIL says all kinds of shit and in all honesty, I do not care anymore.

You need to outwardly say nothing of substance, and internally say "haha whatever, why would you even say that?" to yourself.

Yes that's mainly what I do, and i do genuinely care less but the odd little thing gets under my skin still and I often feel deflated after having been in her company.

"Gosh MIL that sounded like a dig did you mean it to be?"

This is really a boundaries issue. What are you happy to let slide and what do you need to make clear is unacceptable for you? Learn some stock phrases Ie please don’t do that, that’s not ok or whatever feels right for you. With boundaries you have to accept there can be fall out but that bit isn’t your responsibility or within your power but it can be hard when you’re not used to it.

1. Deflect and ignore. The stock phrases mentioned above are useful.

2. If it's really getting to you, stop using her for childcare. If you can't do that, get DH to drop off instead.

The digs are done to get an emotional reaction out of you - you are not being oversensitive. However, you can't change her; you can only change your own reaction so she does not take up room in your head.

Grey rock is probably the most useful approach if you have to keep her in your life and maintain polite relations. You will continue to feel irked at times but you will just have to suck it up. If you start putting boundaries in or calling her out then expect major kick back. It might work in the long term but probably won't and the short term shit show is unlikely to be worth it imho.

Thanks for the tips, DH now does the majority of drop off which has helped.
Also i dont currently need her for childcare but i want DC to have a relationship with her.
I think i need to work on not letting the comments get to me, i suppose sometimes its easier said than done.

I think the annoying thing is that we could have a good relationship but she feels the need to always voice judgments and opinions, not necessarily about me but i know from experience that when someone bitches about someone to me they're usually bitching about me to someone else. But as PP said i cant change who she is so just have to learn how to deal

My mil says all sorts, she is a bit of a running tap vocally. If I notice a sly dig I just say "not sure that is what you meant to say", and move on. Most of what she says is just filler, fills the silence, whereas I am a quiet person.

If you don't need the childcare drop it to once a week most weeks??

What kind of digs does she make as depending on what they are are would depend on whether to ignore or pull her up on it.

I will never understand on here why people feel the need to let their children have a 'good relationship', i.e. be influenced by, people who they describe as judgmental and superficial and generally don't have any time for themselves. Do you want your own child to be judgmental and superficial?

My grandmother was a bit like that, she drove my mother mad, but lived in another country so contact was sporadic. We saw her once or twice a year, whereas my cousins were frequently minded by her. In all honesty, I am glad I knew her enough to 'know' / 'understand' that side of the family a bit more, but I really don't think I missed out by not having weekly contact. She wasn't horrible, but prone to making the odd cutting remark that would put my mum in a bad mood for hours. More frequent contact would have just meant more frequent tension/clashes/my mother fuming in the car afterwards. That's no good for anyone.

In your situation, unless you desperately need it, I would find alternative childcare and try to arrange regular enough visits unless you can honestly say that if your DC develops all the same characteristics as her you wouldn't mind.

Assuming you can't do that, I think the main thing really is not to care. I have an aunt who has taken after said grandmother and makes cutting comments, and steam rollers people into doing what she says. My husband is hilarious about it: he can deflect, and openly say no to things she can convince others to do, by treating some of what she says as a joke but mostly by genuinely not caring about her opinion ('oh no, I haven't actually put on weight since you last saw me, I've actually always been this heavy, you must be mis-remembering. Oh yes this jacket is a bit raggedy isn't it? Oh your son-in-law has a lovely designer one and you can share the link to where he bought it? How lovely for him, it must be nice to have so much money, this one is like a comfort blanket for me now though so I think I'll stick with it.') I have learnt through the years that you really have to genuinely not care what someone thinks about you. If she thinks your house is messy/your children's clothes should be ironed/you should have a better job, the only way to get over all that is to truly not give a damn about that and not be afraid to express it in a polite way, a bit like if some random person on the street started talking about you.

Ask her to repeat it or clarify - they rarely do

Most people bitch about others at times , you sound like you have limited contact anyway , but you said she did do childcare for you so guess you have no major concerns as she has your children
I don't agree with a lot my mum or mil say and they probably feel same about me , wait until your kids are teenagers they won't agree a lot with you either at times

But without context hard to judge if you ignore or say something
My mum often comments about the fact I don't iton my bed linen , i just say if it bothers her that much she is welcome to come and do

You can't change her unless she wants to be changed, even with all the comments and 'calling her out' people are suggesting you do.

The only thing you can do is change yourself. Focus on yourself, your strengths, what you like and I'll notice that you pay less and less attention to her.

My mum is naturally an expert at this, lucky thing! She's self assured and if others are trying to make digs she is so strong in herself that it floats over her head 💪🏼👊🏼 .

Find alternative childcare. You can’t grey rock or ‘manage’ someone like that if they are providing childcare for you.

Why does she need to provide childcare in order to have a relationship with them? I had a wonderful relationship with my grandparents and they never looked after us whilst my parents worked.

"Also i don't currently need her for childcare but i want DC to have a relationship with her".

Why?. You need to consider why that is. Not all relatives are nice and kind and some are actively abusive to boot.

Would you have tolerated this from a friend?. Probably not so his mother is really no different. Children need grandparents yes BUT emotionally healthy ones. Not this woman, she is not at all emotionally healthy. She likes giving you digs and your DH hardly has any sort of relationship with her. Given all this why would you want to subject your child further to her?.

Two things that help

Only responding to what she actually says, not the hidden meaning. Digs only work if you recognise and react to them. If you remain apparently oblivious, they fail. So for example if she says 'I know you're not bothered about dressing the kids up in nice outfits' don't take it as 'the kids look scruffy' smile and say 'yes, I like to be relaxed with them'. Receive everything as if it's a compliment.

Second, whenever she bitches about anyone else, say something bland and sugary like 'well, it'd be a dull world if we were all the same, wouldn't it?' Repeat as needed.

Sounds like you're quite happy to use her, though.

I feel your pain OP. Most of the time I ignore or rise above her silly digs but sometimes she really does rub me up the wrong way and I can't help myself but snap back.

I had an almighty argument with my Mil over the weekend. I hate that it got to that but needs must and I felt I needed to assert myself. My 2yr old unwell but we were at hers celebrating dss bday. Almost 10pm and I said we should take our son home soon as he is unwell and way past his bedtime. He was asking to go home too. I was shouted at from the across the room "no, he needs to learn". Learn what exactly, he's unwell tired and I want to take him home to bed. I already knew it was a long night ahead as he couldn't breathe with a stuffy nose. This erupted into a huge argument as she likes to shout. We agreed to disagree in the end but my god it's draining.

I keep a distance from her at the best of times as she likes to debate and shout and I think she talks shit a lot of time.

She was also childcare for a few months when I went bk to work after maternity but I quickly knew this wasn't the environment I wanted for my son and have moved him to nursery.

Loving them having a relationship is one thing but being childcare for him was not an option as I just didn't want him around that all the time x

Thanks for all the replies and i will take on board.
Thinking about it, it really comes down to us being very different people, she probably wants me to change as much as i want her to change so i do have to just change my mindset.

I want her to have a relationship with her GC as she does genuinely have good attributes too. I think she is a very opinionated person and feels the need to voice it where as I'm more live and let live and i don't really feel the need to tell everyone my opinion.

To clarify im not currently working so thats why i dont need her for childcare but once i am i think I should seek out something more formal.

"I want her to have a relationship with her GC as she does genuinely have good attributes too"

You have personally not stated anything positive re her at all. Your own DH could not care less about what she thinks and they've had massive fallouts previously (their relationship is not good at all). You feel deflated after being in her company and describe her too as somewhat of a martyr.

Again would you tolerate such from a friend?. Look at your boundaries here again re this woman and raise them a lot higher than they have been to date.

A good rule of thumb here is that if a relative is too toxic, batshit or otherwise too difficult for YOU to deal with, its the same deal for your child too.

I am definitely going to look into a nursery/crèche for when I'll be back at work, thanks for the advice

It’s interesting that you say your DH has a difficult RS with her that is often explosive and volatile.

You know from your emotionally healthy RS with your own DM that this is toxic and dysfunctional.

Your DCs will absorb and internalise this tension. Manoeuvre your DH away from her and don’t expose your DCs to this environment.

Only ever surround them with calm, peaceful, radiant people.

They deserve this. No compromises.