Girlfriend thinks she's not good enough for me - help.

[Notquitethere01]

Can someone help me as I'm confused why my girlfriend seems to thinking she isn't good enough for me.

We have been dating around 6 months, I have met her parents and she has met mine just recently. She tells me she loves me, that I am the guy she's been missing, I'm amazing, her dream, her love and wants a future with me. She's already talked about moving close to me and discussing how often she would need to travel back to see her family. She was desperate to know what my parents made of her, she calls me and messages me daily and says she finds it hard when we aren't together. She burst into tears the last time I left her to head home after a weekend spent together. She cooks for me, and treats me so well. She says I'm her everything, that I mean the absolute world to her and wants everything with me. Plus much more.

So she says all this, but just yesterday and today (I saw her yesterday) she has been very emotional. She says things like she thinks that I can do better, that she doesn't have anything to bring to the table. That she is a failure and I deserve better. I deserve more.

I asked her if she was having doubts about me and she said not in the slightest. She thanked me for my love and support to her. She was teary eyed again on the phone and cried a lot yesterday. She keeps apologising for being like this.

I don't know what to do?? Part of me is wondering if she is letting me down gently, but the things she says to me, I don't know? Is she lacking self esteem? She has been through a lot this year. I have tried to reassure her that she is good enough, that I love her and she brings lots to me.

Can anyone shed any light?

Look, OP, there was a woman posting on here the other day who was an upstanding, educated, professional and an apparently reasonable human being, who thought she was 'too boring' for her ex-con, recovering addict new boyfriend, who had skipped out on his two young children and only re-encountered them as adults after a recent suicide attempt landed him in hospital.

Another recent post was from an apparently reasonable, successful woman in a longterm relationship with an emotionally-constipated dullard who never got off the sofa, played video games when she tried to initiate a conversation, and planned to continue in his minimum wage job rather than risk a change -- and she still thought she should stay with him because she didn't think anyone else would want her.

Some people have cripplingly poor self-esteem.

Whether you want to deal with the continual weeping and insecurity in your girlfriend is another matter. Personally, it would drive me mad.

It sounds like she could lack self esteem or be anxious or struggling mentally as so many are after this year.

Hmm... Google love bombing.

If the roles were reversed...I would find a guy like this far too intense. And normally when they say things like 'I'm not good enough for you' it's a big red flag. It's usually indicative of them wanting you to bend over backwards to convince them that you care about them. Training you to put up with all sorts of odd and unacceptable behaviour because you are scared you will send them into a 'woe is me, you dont care about me afterall' monologue if you don't.

Too much drama.

It might just be that she is going through a stressful time and was a bit weepy op. But it's something you need to keep an eye on. You've only been dating her six months...

Be careful not to compromise your boundaries or rush into things. See how she takes the word 'no' from time to time.

"You are my world, my everything" Sounds good on the face of it, but actually, if someone says this to you and is gushing over you, it's a really bad sign and is usually follows by them pulling away, as you are finding.
No way should a person make someone else totally responsible for their self esteem, that is so unhealthy. What you are now getting, is a deep low, after her being on a big high from gaining self esteem through you alone. She is now realising that to link her esteem to anyone else is a fragile state to be in, she will now be filled with ' what if it ends, then I will be nothing, I am nothing - oh hang on, if I am nothing, he will find this out soon and it will end, woe is me ( better get it in first and dump as he deserves better).
You can't fix this, she needs therapy. In future, if anyone says you are there world, run a mile, you have indeed fallen for an over-romanticized sentiment that should have no place in a sensible reality.

It’s not good. I agree if the roles were reversed it would immediately seem sinister/controlling.
Do you really want to put up with this? Imagine if you wanted to end the relationship, and all the guilt that would come with that when she’s making it so clear that it would devastate her if you left. The longer it goes on the worse it will get. Think very carefully.

Being her ‘world’ is far too much pressure to be putting on you, especially at this early stage. I would run a mile if a man said that to me. I don’t think it matters who is saying it to who, it’s just too much.

She sounds as if she has some issues that she really needs to work on, which have nothing to do with you at all. I'd personally also run a mile. Partly because of my experience that when my ex dumped me, I finally realised that I needed proper professional help with some issues: being dumped forced me to actually do something about it. And also because relying on your partner as a crutch is really not a good solution to anything. If anything it makes your self-esteem worse, as you feel even more useless.

Is this a long-distance relationship?

@ravenmum

Yes. Not too far but we live around 50 mile from eachother

Is it.not better to help her through all this? Rather than run a mile. I see a true sparkle in this girls eye when she is her normal self. She puts alot of effort into me, more so than I've had before. She makes me feel great. Only recently she's turned like this. I do know she's been working long hours with very little sleep so could it just be the fact she is over tired and emotional? I know she lacks self esteem, and I know she's been through a hell of alot over the last 18 months. I'd rather try and help than to run and leaving her abandoned. But may that is the wrong thing to do?

How do you think you can help?

She sound way too intense!

If she’s depressed she needs to see her GP.

Counselling might help her too.

But she has to do these things for herself.

Its not your place to fix her especially after just 6 months.

It is entirely possible you have a decent human being who is just temporarily overwhelmed and with whom a solid partnership of mutual respect and pleasure can be built. Understanding and care on both sides goes a long way to creating a fabulous bond with a wonderful person.
Or she has some emotional issues which she may or may not have enough self awareness of to be able to resolve and which may cause her to turn to manipulative behaviours to manage how they make her feel and you become entangled in that.
Which it is... Only time will tell. So follow your heart while trusting your instincts, keep your wits about you and if you find that your normal responses are becoming fuel for undue criticism or demands for more support/changes than a healthy partnership should have then you will know you have the latter. If she improves as her circumstances improve (anyone, even the best of us, can be brought low if enough things go wrong), seeks ways to cope (friends, hobbies, family etc) that aren't just based on you making her happy at all costs, then you have the former and she may be a good partner for you.

I am confused as to how this drama has played out over the last few unprecendented months.

You've described how I used to be. I was incredibly unstable and looking for someone to fix me. The relationship would invariably turn toxic, as no person can fix another.

Therapy has helped greatly, but as PP have said, it's something that can only be done on your own.

It sounds like she may have abandonment issues - Google it and see if it resonates with you. The doing so much for you (i.e. desperately trying to make you happy so you don't leave her), the not being "good enough", the OTT emotional reactions, the low self-esteem, the codependency etc. They're all classic symptoms.

As others have said, you can't "fix" her, she needs to work on this herself, ideally with the help of a therapist. She may not even be aware that she has these issues yet. You can support her (if she can face up to her to having issues and decides to genuinely work through them) but you have to avoid enabling her. Which is very hard.

Do some reading and see if it sounds like her OP. From what you've said, she sounds pretty much textbook abandonment issues (note: it's classed as a form of anxiety rather than illness).

Six months in?

She sounds like a needy unstable head wrecker.

You talk about 'helping her through it'. But what if there's no through it, what if this is just how she is?

Could anything have happened that she feels bad about and that you're not presently aware of? It could be something she may have good reason to feel bad about or something that she really shouldn't feel bad about but still does, if you see what I mean?

I'd keep trying to talk to her in a no-pressure fashion to try to get to the bottom of things.

It doesn't sound healthy. If it was the other way round everyone would be calling red flags.

Almost sounds like reverse negging, doubting herself so you'll say how great she is. That'd drive me mad!

Much too much drama for a 6 month relationship. How can you be her whole world and all when she's just known you for 6 months? Sounds like she needs professional help.

I'm late 40's and life has taught me not to get involved with people like this. You don't heal them, you become manipulated to be their emotional crutch, always meeting their needs.

She's doing more than asking for a bit of reassurance. She is asking you to become her self-esteem. And her entire life. That's too much for another human to bear.
And you have only known her six months.

I'd end it.

I couldn't be doing with all the weeping and wailing I'm afraid. If she was male, she'd be a classic lovebomber.

However, she could just be massively stressed with work and overemotional. In that case maybe she needs some professional support.

Your username pretty much sums her up. Sorry.