Girlfriend thinks she's not good enough for me - help.

[Notquitethere01]

Can someone help me as I'm confused why my girlfriend seems to thinking she isn't good enough for me.

We have been dating around 6 months, I have met her parents and she has met mine just recently. She tells me she loves me, that I am the guy she's been missing, I'm amazing, her dream, her love and wants a future with me. She's already talked about moving close to me and discussing how often she would need to travel back to see her family. She was desperate to know what my parents made of her, she calls me and messages me daily and says she finds it hard when we aren't together. She burst into tears the last time I left her to head home after a weekend spent together. She cooks for me, and treats me so well. She says I'm her everything, that I mean the absolute world to her and wants everything with me. Plus much more.

So she says all this, but just yesterday and today (I saw her yesterday) she has been very emotional. She says things like she thinks that I can do better, that she doesn't have anything to bring to the table. That she is a failure and I deserve better. I deserve more.

I asked her if she was having doubts about me and she said not in the slightest. She thanked me for my love and support to her. She was teary eyed again on the phone and cried a lot yesterday. She keeps apologising for being like this.

I don't know what to do?? Part of me is wondering if she is letting me down gently, but the things she says to me, I don't know? Is she lacking self esteem? She has been through a lot this year. I have tried to reassure her that she is good enough, that I love her and she brings lots to me.

Can anyone shed any light?

I'd also say I have my own insecurities with my current partner but I am stopping myself articulating them as they are absolutely nothing to do with how he is with me, and entirely down to myself to deal with.

@AnyFucker

I am confused as to how this drama has played out over the last few unprecendented months.

Exhaustingly long, weepy Zoom calls?

I don't think there IS a 'through it'. I think this is who she is, this is how she thinks she can hold your attention. If she was just behaving in a normal low-key way, you wouldn't have to be giving her all this attention.

She sounds immature; this is how teenage relationships are conducted, all on high drama.

I am confused as to how this drama has played out over the last few unprecendented months

Oh for goodness sake AF you are not confused at all. You've posted twatty comments like this on other threads too.

If you want to say, 'single people, stop seeking sex and relationships' then just come out and say it direct.

If you want to say, 'single people, stop seeking sex and relationships' then just come out and say it direct

You have misunderstood me. I want to say "stop trolling" but I get deleted for that.

< gets coat >

@Notquitethere01

Is it.not better to help her through all this? Rather than run a mile. I see a true sparkle in this girls eye when she is her normal self. She puts alot of effort into me, more so than I've had before. She makes me feel great. Only recently she's turned like this. I do know she's been working long hours with very little sleep so could it just be the fact she is over tired and emotional? I know she lacks self esteem, and I know she's been through a hell of alot over the last 18 months. I'd rather try and help than to run and leaving her abandoned. But may that is the wrong thing to do?

There are two types of relationships op

1. Projects
2. Partnerships

A partnership is mutually strong, both people are there for each other. It's easy, no drama. Even when there is drama introduced from outside the relationship, the partners get on with it and support each other through. They are equals and felow travelers in all things. A partnership builds you both up over your lifetimes.

A project is different. It occurs when one partner has to hold the other one up, take care of them, help them, build them up. It starts out very loving and you feel like an absolute hero and she seems like a gorgeous princess who makes you feel so special. And then, very slowly, over months or years, it turns and it sours. A project will break you and leave you with nothing in the end.

Its very very clear what kind of relationship you are in op.

Your posts demonstrate that you're currently in that early, intoxicated stage where you feel like a knight in shining armour, your choice of words is very specific - e.g. "abandon" isn't a word that fits into a partnership relationship.

If you had an ounce of sense you would run. I suspect you won't though, I suspect you have a bit of a messiah complex and you're like a moth to a flame.

OP I had an exchange just like this yesterday with my BF, without all the “you’re my world” and cutesy stuff (just not me). I’ll explain my reasoning; I’m not saying this is why she’s doing it, but it might help you think.

I’ve spent so long being told and made to feel I’m not good enough (first parents then XH), and that shit runs deep. Most of the time I can hide it but sometimes it gets overwhelming and explodes. The dark thoughts get too strong and can’t be pushed down any more. From my perspective it’s got absolutely nothing to do with love bombing or manipulation.

Ask her what she needs when she’s like this. It might just be a hug and to be told that things will be ok.

Mental health issues are a long-term thing; if you’re not cut out for this - and that’s ok - just don’t hang around if you’re not going to stay. She clearly feels able to tell you these things, which is good. So now you need to have a think about what you want and whether you can handle this.

@lemony7 I think you could be right. She has had bad past relationship experiences and she has actually said in a breath of fresh air and the she's never experienced attention and kindness quite like the way I am towards her. For me, I'm just being me, but from what she has told me from previous bf's it seems she has never had someone who treats her with a bit of respect. She told me the last 4 years she's dreaded going home to her ex partner. She also doesn't know her father. Whether that affects anything or not I don't know. I really want to help her and I know people have said that it's not for me to do etc, but I know for a fact that people have told her that meeting me she has found her spark again. Her mother even said it, so my presence must be positive for her.

Everyone deserves a chance to heal, if you choose to walk beside her in that process it can not be that the healing is dependent on you with her improvements coming entirely from her relationship with you. There has to be other input, including a desire and a seeking of her true self outside of you by her. She must be an agent of her own improvement or as a PP said this is a project and it will exhaust you and then kill whatever connection you have.
If you coming into her life acts as a catalyst for a new chapter that's great, as it may mean that the loss of agency that was caused by previous bad relationships can be recaptured by her with the renewed hope and strength that gives her...
If on the other hand you are not just a catalyst but become the entire scaffold to her life and emotional well-being that is a different scenario and one to be avoided for both your sakes 'cos it can only lead to failure and worse distress, as it isn't a healthy outcome of a truly healed person, it is a person who is still stuck as a victim but now a rescued dependent one.
If you allow this to happen you aren't actually helping her.

OP it’s great that you want to help her, and that people have seen a positive change in her from your presence.

In that case, I suggest asking her how you can help her. And if she says “nothing”, know that she’s either not telling you, or maybe she doesn’t know, and to just hug her and listen.

Good luck

Whatever the causes of this, the question perhaps is whether or not this is too intense for you, and you seem to think this may be.

OP, in post after post you're explaining how she feels. Her past, her history, her needs, her her her.

What about you? Do you love her? Or do you love the feeling of being special and needed? All of your posts are about how you are the things she's been waiting for all her life. But nothing about your feelings for her at all.

It reads quite strangely to be honest.

That’s all a bit intense for a six-month old relationship. In fact, it’s a lot intense. At that stage, you should be shagging one another’s brains out and having fun together, not getting involved in this sort of drama. I would reassure her, but also let her know that the level of drama isn’t necessary at this stage. Proceed with caution, OP.

Damsel in distress syndrome is a thing...perhaps you want to be her saviour?

Be careful you aren’t becoming her ‘rescuer. She needs to help herself.

My concern would be if she’s this intense already what she would do if you were to break up with her.

I was like this in my 20's, an absolute nightmare to be with. I was great on my own but when in a relationship with someone I loved, i'd become terrified of them leaving. This played out with uncontrollable jealousy in parts, I'd try to be the perfect girlfriend in every other area but deep down I didn't feel I was worth anything alone.

She may not understand what is going on for her yet, and she will only be able to do this with counselling to unravel everything. It likely stems from issues in her childhood, with a parent leaving or not being there for her. She needs to explore her abandonment problems, you can try and support her through this but she has to do the work.

She needs to build her self esteem and to understand what is going on for her. In order for her to be happy in a relationship she also needs to know she can be ok by herself too. You cannot be her 'everything'.

She told me the last 4 years she's dreaded going home to her ex partner.
She's only just broken up with him then?

OP, the end of a relationship always compares unfavourably to the start of the next one. And even if she is happy with you, that doesn't mean you have to act as a crutch to her - as I say, that's not helpful at all. And frankly, if she's constantly crying and saying she's no good, then I can't say it sounds like your presence is really that positive.

@AnyFucker

If you want to say, 'single people, stop seeking sex and relationships' then just come out and say it direct

You have misunderstood me. I want to say "stop trolling" but I get deleted for that.

< gets coat >

I must admit it genuinely never occurred to me that you would actually believe that every single person in the UK has ceased to form new relationships or have sex since March.

OP there's a lot of good advice on this thread, and one thing I'd emphasise is that while you understandably want to do anything you can to support your GF, there may be some forms of support that you can't provide. For example, it sounds like she could benefit from therapy or perhaps seeing a GP about anxiety or depression, if her tearful fits continue. That help is best provided by trained professionals. It may be that the best thing you can do is encourage her to see those professionals. That's also why all the "my everything" talk is a red flag.

@IncludeWomenInTheSequel

OP, in post after post you're explaining how she feels. Her past, her history, her needs, her her her.

What about you? Do you love her? Or do you love the feeling of being special and needed? All of your posts are about how you are the things she's been waiting for all her life. But nothing about your feelings for her at all.

It reads quite strangely to be honest.

Yes, I think you’re in love with the version of yourself as Knight in Shining Armour you see reflected back at you from her weepy, grateful eyes. And the drama of her crying when you leave after a weekend, being desperate to be assured of your parents’ approval, and saying you’re her everything — it makes an ordinary relationship at the six month stage (where the other person likes you, perhaps is falling for you, but isn’t crying at the end of a weekend, saying it’s hard for them to be without you, or deep into planning your future) look a bit lacklustre, doesn’t it?

Has it occurred to you that maybe she’s actually right? That you do deserve more than a relationship with someone perennially weepy and clingy after a mere six months, with poor self-esteem and a history of relationships where she hasn’t been respected?

Do you really want to be her carer/fixer/therapist?

I actually think it's unhealthy for someone to be someone's 'world' after six months especially if they have been in a tricky relationship before and are still somewhat bruised from it.

She is (either consciously or subconsciously) making you responsible for her happiness and mental health. By saying you're THE reason she is ok, she's saying if you leave she won't be ok.

That very quickly turns into guilt tripping and manipulation if you decide the relationship isnt for you.

I've been on both sides of this before in my early 20s and invariably, relationships that turn into intense 'you're my everything' / my world / never known love like this / don't know how I would live without you etc etc ended up being toxic because it isn't real life.

Tread carefully, this very very rarely works out and you will lose your sense of self as you become more intensely part of her life, identity and recovery from previous trauma.

She was desperate to know what my parents made of her, she calls me and messages me daily and says she finds it hard when we aren't together. She burst into tears the last time I left her to head home after a weekend spent together. She cooks for me, and treats me so well. She says I'm her everything, that I mean the absolute world to her and wants everything with me. Plus much more.

This is not healthy. At all.

She may not consciously mean to manipulate you, but she already is.

Please read @PigsInHeaven's post a few times because it is absolutely bang on.

Well of course others have seen a spark in her since meeting you, that's exactly what happens when a person with low self esteem latches onto someone, they get super happy, they feel fabulous that they have someone to make them feel good.
But its not sustainable, and now you are seeing the down side. I doubt you will get back the happy excited woman you had at the start who fell hard and fast, that was not real, what you see now is her. Her mother may well have changed her mind seeing how she behaves now. Do you feel responsible for her crying and wailing ? You are no more responsible for her happiness or sadness, but she thinks you are, and that is your problem.

I was a bit needy like this with DH when we first got together. I was insecure and maybe a bit dramatic. He patiently and politely told me to pull myself together rather than worrying about it or reacting badly. We've been married 11 years and I'm much calmer now!!! Be firm about how you see things and give her a chance to gather some confidence.

Your gf is either seriously emotionally unstable, or she's a total head-worker. Either way, I'd be giving her the swerve. Look up 'love-bombing', future-faking', and 'emotional manipulators'. Then... run, run away fast.