Tell me about your life after divorce

[Raver84]

Morning
I'm 8 months into divorce, selling my home in New year. Still living with ex. Each day seem like such hard work. Over the intiial crying every day but still have ups and down. I have 4 children. Tell me life improves or at least stabalises!!

It will do when you live separately, how awful you have to still live together until the house is sold but it will get better when your not around each other every day.

I continued to live with my ExH while we divorced too. I think that's surprisingly common these days for financial reasons. We were in that situation about 11 months - during which time I got gazumped twice on the property I was buying and our buyers pulled out of purchase of ours days before exchange of contracts. Yes it was a very hard time and looking back now I don't really know how i managed it! We finally sold about 2 years ago. I had a great year last year. This year has been mixed what with Covid-19 and the stress of that - on top of teenage 'growing pains' and GCSE stress. On the up-side though I've started dating a new man.
You will get there @Raver84 - I know it seems never ending now but remember that your current situation is temporary. You will get there.

biggest difference for me was only having 3 children (older teens though!) to look after rather than 4. Although it took several months and several cutting comments from him for me to stop wasting my time and energy worrying about him being on his own. 5 years down the line and the best thing for me is that 1. my home is the one my children come back to (he's re-married and lives in a 3 bed house where the children aren't welcome) and 2. I control all my finances so no longer worry about someone else getting overdrawn/into debt without my knowing.

Thanks everyone these messages really help me to see past the current situation.. Hopefully in 6 months time my life will be different.
Intresting that others too have enjoyed being financially independent. I will have a lot less money but by ex has a terrible habit of running up secret debts, the reason we are split. The freedom of that not being my responsibility to sort iout again i1s a huge relief already.
I also feel guilty in the children and on him that I wasn't strong enough to overcome our latest issues which have been repeated many times years. In my heart I know I've done all I can but still feel bad. I do think not living together will help me get past this.

It's horrible divorcing an arsehole - but it's lovely to have a peaceful home again.

It's better.

Splitting up, but having to live together is one of the hardest things in the world to have to cope with. It definitely gets less stressful.

My ex didn't use to run up debts, but he used to frown on anything I spent, acting as if I was wasting his money. Now we have split up and I am only spending the money I earn, it is a lot less stressful and I believe he may have realised that in fact it wasn't his money I was spending. Agree that having proper control over finances is a lot more reassuring.

@Raver84 one other thing I forgot was that I was grieving the loss of the marriage and what could have been as the children flew the nest. And it takes time to process and get over that so please don't set yourself target dates of when to date etc. I found the grief would come and go - even this year I was still churning it over in my mind! You just need to focus on the little positives every time and it does get better. Good luck xx

I'm here to join the OP as I'm going through this at the moment. Keep pestering my one friend who has been through it in RL.

It does feel like grief at the moment and just when I think I'm getting better, a wave catches me unexpectedly. For the life we could have had and I thought we would have had. And for all the years of pain I've endured for it to come to this, part of me wonders if I should have cut my losses earlier.

I'm also living with 'D' H while we sort out our living arrangements. I'm hoping that no matter what happens next, this bit is the worst bit I'll have to face. Particularly facing Christmas and fewer opportunities to get out thanks the pandemic.

Thanks everyone for your replies. It's so comforting to know other have been and are in the situation and have got past it.
I was OK yesterday and last week but today I feel awful again, worried and had a little cry earlier. I just feel like I won't ever be happy again. I haven't been happy for such a long time, probably a year or more. Only the children make me happy whixh is great and I feel lessed to have them.

I'm nearly 1 year into living in my own house, 10 months post-divorce. I can't imagine how I got through all the months of living in the same space as him but I did. It will get better.
Having my own home and controlling my own money (albeit a tiny tiny fraction of what he earns) makes me so happy. I celebrate small gains and am grateful for all I have. I don't recognise myself anymore! 😂🤣😂

Worse part was the impact on my 3 children.

He had an affair after 18 years of marriage. My children were 1, 3 and 7 when he left us. I had no career to speak of at all.

Exactly 1 month later I enrolled on a Law degree, I got a part time job and I began divorce proceedings.

Fast forward 6 coming into the 7th year, and my children are my WORLD.

He does not see them, his choice.

I graduated with a first class law degree and am now well on my way to qualifying as a Solicitor.

I am 40.

There is definitely life after divorce, I promise. Find what motivates you, for me it was my children and as time went on, I realised I was worth the fight too.

I took care of myself, got fit and started dressing well, all for me. I could date if I wanted to but I'm not ready because I'm not prepared to ever put my children through any kind of pain because of a man.

It isn't easy, it really isn't but if you hang on tight, it is totally worth it. I promise.

Fucking marvellous!!!

The divorce was hell but, oh my, should have done it sooner and I have never looked back.

Divorce might well be a huge bag of shite but let me tell you, it's better than living with an arsehole. I don't have a single shred of regret and my happiness levels went through the roof (and have stayed there ever since).

It is SO worth it.

Horrific first couple of years which looking back on... I wish I'd not wasted all those hours of worry and emotion!
Much less money now but hey.... I'm sitting here with a smile on my face, drinking Amoretto on ice, cuddling the dog, have decorated the Xmas tree in the way I want to, have painted the shed bright pink, snog who I want when I want... and best of all... I don't have to buy fucking Xmas presents for his toxic family anymore !
Chin chin !!!

It's tough living together, but focus on your happy future once you have your own place. I don't regret It one bit, although I do occasionally feel sad that the family unit was broken up.
I left & had no bed or carpets in my bedroom for a year & no cooker for 6 months. I bought furniture from charity warehouses & painted it myself. I never felt upset by this, just relieved that I could do what I wanted & excited that I had my own space. 6 years on I'm still happy & you will be too once things calm down.
Good luck

The sheer relief was phenomenal. I don't have children so I never have to see the sneaky, passive aggressive, tight-arsed bastard again in my life. I'm remarried, I have a lovely house where I want to live and a car that I want. I can eat biscuits if I want! It took a while but it didn't take me long to realise what a dead weight XH was in my life.

I still treasure first night in our new little place with fish and chips out of paper and a mattress on the floor and just a radio. It was bliss. Soon got it furnished and we had the cosiest most relaxed time. Of course it was hard work but it was so peaceful.

I loved coming home to an empty house, or to my dc, without his malevolent, critical presence.

I loved decluttering and making the house feel like my own.

I still love making all of my own decisions - big things like investments and purchases, small things like the tv channel or what to have for dinner.

I am never lonely and have not dated. I enjoy being single and spending time with friends or dc.

Occasionally, when something goes wrong, I miss having another adult to talk it over with.

I've just started the process, I have up and down moments. We are living together until he finishes buying a house (offer accepted, right at the beginning). But I.ant wait to have the place to myself. I posted my mortgage deed today!

I've discovered a podcast called the Divorce Club hosted by Samantha Baines (a comedian). She chats to a variety of people (mostly women) and it's so refreshing to hear their experiences.
www.thedivorceclub.co.uk/

During the divorce itself I began to realise how happy I was without him.
It was so nice knowing I was getting closer and closer to not having him in my life (we have no children together).
So many things were better without him.
Now I'm in a new relationship with the kind of guy I was supposed to be with (although I was really happy being single too).
My marriage and divorce are a distant memory now, and the future is rosy (even this year has been better than my marriage years).

I’m divorcing, he left the family home under duress a couple of months ago and I have no words for how wonderful it is without him.
We are all calm and peaceful. The house, which I always hated, now feels like it’s mine and I’m really properly happy. The children are fine, and way way way happier and calmer, they’re fairing far better than I could have hoped.
My husband is still acting like a dick but I’m at such a distance from it now that none of it gets to me.

Hang in there OP. It will get better.

Thanks everyone these replies have given me such hope after a bad day yestersay. I keep reminding myself this won't be forever but do have tough days. Thanks again

For me, the worst bit was definitely living with him when it was already over. When he left, it was like a boil had been lanced

Going around doing things independently again, I felt like the real me, that I'd been in my 20s, had woken up from a long sleep.

Life is great now! 2 years on I've met a new dp and we have moved in together. One dc is fine about everything and sees both her parents the other still isn't talking to her dad (both are young adults at university).