What does your DP do that makes you know he ‘cares deeply’

[HeyChubbee]

Inspired by a comment on another thread about having someone who cares deeply about you, but how do you know they do?

It is my day off work. DP doesn't get a day off as he is SAHD. I went to get up this morning to get kids ready for school to give DP a break. He said 'no, lie back down you need a break, work has been manic and its your first day off, stay in bed'
I said 'well your job has been manic, homeschooling, shopping is crazy where is your break.
He refused to accept it. I am currently in bed

I think sometimes its the little things, way he looks at me, buying gifts and doing little things to make me happy, the way he can't sleep unless we are together and hugs me all night. Makes me tea every morning and kisses me before he leaves for work.

But its also the bigger things, going after a better paid job because I've been unwell and working less. Trying to renovate the house after work, treating my DC as his own, going without things he wants so the DC have what they need.

And he tells me so every day. He's the romantic emotionally intelligent one, when I'm being my odd kookie self he tells me he wouldn't change me for the world.

If I go for a nap (often) he will bring me a coffee to wake me up after.

Lots of things. He does all the shopping and cooking and most of the cleaning, as I have mobility problems. I’m also unable to travel and he would love to go on holiday, but accepts that I’m just not up to it. He also does a lot for my widowed mum, offers help and doesn’t moan about it at all

My DH works incredibly hard in a very demanding job, he has always been incredibly responsible about financially providing for his family ... his own DF died young, no life insurance, and his DM's life was a struggle for many years. He works from home (some travel in non Covid times) and is at his desk by 7.30am every morning, until at least 7pm. Very, very careful about life insurance, pension provision, investments etc but not 'frugal', still have a comfortable lifestyle.

Meanwhile I do a part time job, easy hours, very little pay but it's a cause I love, currently furloughed ... sitting on the sofa in my dressing gown mumsnetting- and he would never, ever criticise my 'lifestyle'.

Little things regularly. My children tell me I’m spoiled but he likes doing it. Symbiosis at its best.

Tea brought to me in bed ever day.
Flowers ever Friday.
My side electric blanket on if it’s cold.
Getting the pool/tub ready for our morning dip during lockdown, with warmed towel and fresh tea.
Starting the car to defrost it on cold mornings.
Walking on outside of pavements.
Putting bins out early, if he’s going away.
Watching Masterchef when he doesn’t enjoy it because he knows I do.

Saved my life by getting me to hospital in time when I was seriously ill with Sepsis

He’s first up, so I always have a cuppa made. He moves his clothes out to the spare room the night before if he’s up early, so he doesn’t wake me. He calls to ask if I want picking up from the station if it’s raining. If I have work to do on evenings or weekends he does all the cooking to give me time. He’s a good un.

My very new bf only stays when dc are not here and he cooks every meal, brings me drinks, makes me tea in bed even though we are in my house.

Yesterday I said why did you make so much food as it's just us here and he replied "I want to make sure there was plenty of leftovers to make sure you eat when I'm not here" (dc eat at the Childminder's)

After a fairly gruelling separation last year from stbxh who is cruel and selfish, I cannot tell you how much that little comment meant to me.

He brings me coffee in the morning. This is something he has done every single day for the past 3 years of being married. I love coffee and being woken up with one is the best thing for me to start the day. I'm a mum to a toddler and have had some tough nights through sleep regression, teething etc for the past two years and drinking coffee first thing in the morning and having it uninterrupted while he takes care of dc's breakfast and nappy change is the best thing as I'm not a morning person.

He doesn't wake me in the mornings (cos he knows I need extra sleep just now).

He just gets on and does the laundry - sorting, washing, drying, folding - as it needs doing. He has done all of the household ironing since DD was born (before then, we each did our own) as he couldn't feed the baby (bf) so he took over all the ironing to take the load off me. (I do some laundry also - but he often has it organised and in the machine before I get moving, that kind of thing).

He will randomly bring home flowers (used to be an M&S bunch, more recently it's been from an actual florist) just to cheer me up. Not regularly, and definitely not for "Hallmark" days (Valentines, Mothers day etc) but just a dull Saturday in October because he was thinking of me.

He is generally very hands on around the house - he used to do his share of nappies, baths, bedtimes etc when DD was small, he generally washes up after meals (as I generally cook these days - I have slightly more time) but will cook sometimes, hoovers, cleans bathrooms, empties bins, …..and is quite happy for me to do "man's jobs" like getting logs for the fire (I am often near the logman while he is not so often there) or clean out gutters, without grumbling that I am calling his manhood into question (something I hear from DFriends who dare to do such manly tasks) - because I can and am happy to do those.

This is such a nice thread. My dp brings me cups of tea a lot, and he is so sensitive to my needs and moods.

He does the big things like booking surprise mini-breaks and sending me flowers, but also the little things, like remembering some comment or joke I mentioned in passing, as he is always listening to me and caring about what I said.

He also does the washing up and the dishwasher, and when we went camping he took care of all the packing the car and putting up the tent- while I had a rest!

If he gets into bed and I have cold feet (even if I'm asleep) he gets back out and makes me a hot water bottle and tucks it all in.

Lots of little things. One i can think of at the moment is that he will sit and brush my hair just because he knows I like it.

He always apologises if he’s upset me or said or done something wrong and never tries to shift blame.

He listens when I ask or tell him something and then takes away from the discussion what I’d like and does it, rather than think he has a better or preferable way.

He just does, deeply, its embedded into everything. Yes he does things like make me tea every morning, but he just always looks happy to see me. He's affectionate and offers help with anything. He shares the "mental load", does housework and food shopping without asking or being prompted. And in 15+ years, even when he's been angry, he has never once snapped or shouted at me, insulted me, been rude to me, or made me feel scared. Which to me is a big deal.

I don't know how deeply my bf cares about me, specifically, but he regularly shows that he is a thoughtful and kind person who cares about other people, including me. He takes other people's potential feelings or needs into account when he's doing stuff. So he arrives on time, and informs you if he'll be late. He makes sure people are warm and comfortable and have enough to eat and drink. He will go out of his way to help someone out.

My exh did not bring tea or coffee of his own accord. I would bring him coffee, or do other little gestures, without getting anything back. And if I asked if he'd get me a tea while he was in the kitchen, for instance, he would do it, but begrudgingly. These little things sound so unimportant, but they are really not. Over the years, the lack of consideration feels quite miserable. Years of being left to wait around in the cold for no reason, sadly realising your needs or comfort had been forgotten.

I always get coffee in bed if he's awake before me, and if I'm on nights he'll wake me up with it.

If he sees things on Twitter or Instagram that he knows I'll find funny or cute or interesting he always saves them to show me.

I'd he knows I've had a crap day at work he always makes sure there's food for me when I get home and chocolate in the fridge

It's the small things but also a couple of big things too.
A while ago I realised as I came in the front door that I'd trodden in cat/dog shit so I left my boots outside the back door where the hose is. When I came back in from whatever it was I was doing out the front he was cleaning the shit off my boot for me.

He'll randomly buy a little present recently a funky Frida Kahlo face mask.
He watches Strictly and Bake Off with me.
He had a bad habit of really snapping at me and being very dismissive and he would sometimes speak to me like I was a piece of crap. This totally comes from how is parents communicate. Anyway I told him in no uncertain terms I wasn't putting up with it and I wasn't going to be spoken to that way and he's made a HUGE effort to not do it anymore.

When I need him he's always there. He's supportive. He broke the news to my Dad that he had cancer, and held his hand when he died.

He deices my car for me without telling me.

Saves me a gruelling 10 minutes in the morning when trying to get work and day care!

He works his arse off for our family and to give us a nice home to live in. He's spent years becoming a master of all DIY skills.

Whatever crazy dream I come up with, that will inevitably mean me earning less money, like living off the land or something, he doesn't even blink, he just says 'we'll work it out'. I love that.

Thought of something else ... he knows I prefer sleeping on my own and having the 'master' bedroom to myself so he always sleeps in a separate room and has made that 'his' room even though he would rather we shared a bed.

Maybe I could be nicer to him? .

He does the practical things that make my life so much easier. Stuff like checking car tyres, screen wash etc, asking if he can help me with anything when I'm getting ready for work etc.

Brings home flowers & chocolates randomly. Will deal with the bins cos he knows I hate them! Has been great with cooking & cleaning when I have been heavily pregnant & working. I suppose I just know he's there & he cares & that's the nicest thing of all