Are you scared if your partner gets annoyed?

[Unremarkablebear]

I find I am and I apologise and apologise and try and make things better.
I am trying to work out if that’s just how I am or if there’s a reason to feel scared.

No. He has never given me any reason to feel unsafe.
However I have been in relationships where I have felt scared about it and have bad reason to. Have you? Could you be responding to that rather than the actual situation in front of you i.e it reminds you of the past? Or do you feel as though you generally have low self esteem and assume everything is your fault in other areas of your life?

Or does he genuinely make you feel unsafe? It doesn’t have to be physical threat.. the threat of silent treatment, shouting, emotional punishment etc../

Scared of what? I have a healthy fear that if I were to goad and push my husband and he lost his temper with me that he is a big man.....far far stronger than me.

But equally we love each other and that doesn't happen. I don't feel fear around him and he has never given me reason to be fearful.

You should never feel unsafe around a partner.

Also, you should never find yourself apologising even when you dont even think you have done anything wrong, just to keep the peace.

No of course not.

Are you like this with other people? Are you scared he will hit you? Has anyone hit you before?

No. He is not scary or abusive.

Ok... well pre covid he used to go off and do his own thing all weekend and I’ve got used to doing stuff with the dc and not even including dh.
Now lockdown has happened again he is here and wants us to do things with him and the dc aren’t very interested.
He’s lost his temper and said he’s not spending any more money on us or the house and stormed off. I work part time but he outearns me massively and all the financial decisions are his - he will say it’s our money but also he will say ‘no’ over reasonable things such as football boots for ds if he feels like it.
He has a temper but he’s never hit me. He does say - don’t talk to me or I might do something i’ll regret - which feels like a threat but maybe it isn’t intended as one.
However I am passive and don’t like confrontation so this may well be me.

Never felt even slightly scared around him, no matter what the circumstances.

That’s not normal or remotely acceptable OP, he is threatening you to keep you in line.

Eeee...yeah that's a threat.
And financial abuse into the bargain possibly.
What he said about not spending anymore money on his family or your home is really quite telling too. He sees you as a financial burden he can just cast off when it isnt working for him. I would never feel secure around someone like him. And it sounds like this marriage is more like a jail cell.

I'd be looking to get my ducks in a row and leave him op. At the very least, see if you can take more work hours and save up. Make sure its kept in your own separate bank account. Have funds saved if pos so that if you have to get out fast you can.

I feel guilty because he’s upset.
He’s shouted at the kids. Then stormed out.

You are in an abusive relationship with a bully. It is NOT you. Do you want to stay with him?

It sounds like he is financially controlling and threatening.

It isn't you. And it isn't ok. Have a chat to Women's Aid and consider moving on.

@Unremarkablebear

I feel guilty because he’s upset. He’s shouted at the kids. Then stormed out.

You are not responsible for his inability to behave like a decent human being.

Please dont let your kids grow up in a household where the mother thinks it's her fault her partner is an abusive asshole.

He said he’s not spending any more money on us because he gets nothing back.
For clarity we live in a house that needs A LOT doing to it. We aren’t living in the lap of luxury here. I often buy second hand for the dc. Financially we don’t need to as a family, individually I absolutely do because I have no access to joint finance.

I get really triggered by my partner sighing in exasperation/frustration at something. I just close off and go into myself and appear distracted.

He’s never personally done anything to me make me feel that way, he’s very loving and kind. I think it’s a throwback thing to either my dad when I was younger doing it and knowing it came before him kicking off, or my ex boyfriend who was very much emotionally abusive.

So basically you are spending your money on the kids whilst he contributes bugger all. Leave him and claim for child support. You'll be better off financially and emotionally. And so will your kids, not having to see their poor excuse for a dash that their mother like shit.

*for a dad treat their

Married for over 25 years and if for one moment I felt fear that would be game over.

@Pinkyandthebrainz

You are in an abusive relationship with a bully. It is NOT you. Do you want to stay with him?

This is a good question.

I suppose I’m worried that maybe I would feel fear whoever I was with. That it’s me and not him but I’ve no way of knowing that.

He does say - don’t talk to me or I might do something i’ll regret - which feels like a threat but maybe it isn’t intended as one.

Oh, that is absolutely intended as a threat.

You are being abused. It is not normal to live like this.

Maybe take a look at the Freedom Programme course.

It is him.

It's all him. There's financial abuse in there with everything else.

It's him. Abuse including financial abuse. If you can make steps to leave, don't tell him of your plans. He doesn't need to know until he/ you are out.

No, I've never felt unsafe when my dh has been angry. In fairness he rarely gets angry outwardly- i actually have to coax it out of him to get him to admit if he is annoyed about something (to do with me).