Are you scared if your partner gets annoyed?

[Unremarkablebear]

I find I am and I apologise and apologise and try and make things better.
I am trying to work out if that’s just how I am or if there’s a reason to feel scared.

My dad used to threaten us like this when we were growing up. He'd lose his temper, shout 'I'm not spending more money on you lot or on the house' (or I won't pay the phone bill/car insurance/school lunches), because he knew my mum earned very little compared to him, and that was (still is) his way of manipulating and emotionally abusing his family.

It IS financial and emotional abuse. It is NOT your fault.

Funny how my dad never followed through with it, because deep down he's always been scared of ending up alone without someone to shout at whenever he feels like it. Because it never ends, the shouting.

My mum is still with him, but my siblings and I can still feel the effects of what we witnessed, decades later.

Do not let this go on, please do not let your children think this is normal behaviour. Threatening, shouting and storming off like you've describe is abuse. It is not normal.

Never. It wouldn't even cross my mind.

Don't feel guilty- he's not 'upset' at all. He's deliberately throwing his weight around and using anger to scare his wife and children into doing what he wants. And it works - you are scared, you apologise and are less likely to step out of line next time. He's a shit.

He made his bed by not putting in the work with the DC so he's now reaping the rewards (not) of that. Circumstances have now changed and he doesn't feel part of his own family and would probably say he's been sidelined when actually he did that all on his own. DH isn't taking responsibility for his actions and expects everyone to dance to his tune. Him saying don't talk to me or I might do something I regret is another sign of him not taking any responsibility for his actions.

Not having access to family money is unacceptable at best and very likely to be financial abuse. It sounds like you would all be better off if you are apart. DH can build a new relationship with the DC when he has contact with them EOW and do his share of the parenting.

Yes, I was terrified. But my ex was abusive and he made me feel like I was walking on eggshells.

No.

It's not normal to be afraid, nor for him to threaten you, nor for you to have no access to joint finances. You're in an abusive relationship.

I can tell you exactly how this goes:

He continues being a financially and emotionally abusive arse and eventually your kids will pick up on this. You will decide that if it affects the kids then enough is enough and will either leave or start divorce proceedings. He will promise the Earth. You will believe him a few times but eventually get sick of his false promises, and will end it for good.

No, I've never felt the slightest bit uncomfortable, uneasy, or scared of my husband. He's the most easy going, placid man I know. If there was, I wouldn't be with him.
OP you are not the problem here at all... The way your husband behaves is very manipulative, threatening and abusive.
Your kids must feel very affected by his behaviour.
I'd consider getting yourself and your kids out of the situation you are in.
Having to ask him for money to buy stuff for the kids is just not on.
You spending all your money, and him not, you should have joint finances. He's financially abusive. He obviously doesn't spent much on the house if it needs so much doing to it.
Don't spend your life with this bully of a manchild. He must feel so proud telling his wife to not speak to him, or he'd do something he'd regret. What a lowlife.

Hi op, I've been in relationships like yours and I am sorry to say, I think it's abusive. Even fear of what might happen is abusive. Financial control, withholding is definitely abuse. Like you, I wondered if it was me and I was a bit weedy, but with DH now for 12 years and feel completely and utterly safe at all times. And did from the first moment we met.

Yes.
Having already spilt and in the process of divorcing, I spent a day helping a male friend. I made a mistake and he pointed it out to me nicely. I suddenly realised I was scared of making any man angry with me.
The realisation that I was so badly affected by my ex really shook me - I spent the rest of the day feeling terribly upset as how 'marked' I was.
I've never really got past it, despite knowing some really lovely and gentle men.

No, I have never ever felt threatened.

You feel threatened because he has threatened you.
He is financially abusive.

OP,
Please try and get copies of any financial information.
Bank accounts.
Pay slips.
Pension information.
Insurance etc.

Any information you can get.
This will help you if you decide that you do not wish to continue living with this threat for ever.

His children aren't interested because he has been avoiding being with them.

He sounds like an awful father and husband.

You all deserve better.

Seek support IRL from Women's Aid.

Living in fear is no life at all.

Lots of women have experienced heightened domestic abuse and violence over lockdown for the same reasons - not being able to leave, extra stress, anxious DC, etc. But if he can't control his temper, that's on him and him alone.

I bet he doesn't treat his boss or colleagues like this.

If a male colleague treated me like this OP I can't tell you how many times I'd tell him to fuck right off and then he'd be reported straight to HR.
Yet it's ok for you because you're his wife.
Actually it's not ok.
Its never ok. One day he will start hitting you if you don't fall in line.

No never! If the day ever came that I felt frightened or unsafe around DH would be the day I leave!

Op you are being emotionally and financially abused. Please do not expose yourself and your children to this for a moment longer.

Get out because living in fear and walking on egg shells is no life. You and your children deserve so much better than how you are living at the moment.

My husband has never once lifted a finger to me or threatened it but I’ve had an abusove prior relationship. My husband gets angry with inanimate things like screwdrivers and has very little patience - it still makes me anxious so now I tend to tell him this and walk away and leave him to come out of it

I used to hide all the knives before I went to bed

Yes, scared when I can hear anger rising in his voice, scared when I need to talk to him about anything that I feel he might not agree with. But our relationship is very toxic and he's probably emotionally abusive.

@TinyVictoriesInSurvival - I’m sorry, that sounds very hard. No one should have to live in fear.

If you are questioning the responses you are getting on here - after all, the people here have never met your OH you could consider reading this free pdf about patterns of abusive behaviour, to see if your OH fits any of them. The guy who wrote it worked with abusive men for years and explains very clearly the different types of abuse, some of which can be very subtle.

www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

No, I might feel sad that he annoyed or upset that I've annoyed him but never scared

Yes

Nope, not anymore.
If it’s only something silly I just tell him to grow up.

Depends what it is he’s annoyed about?