Finances and maternity

[welliving]

Hi everyone! I’ve just seen another thread about joint finances and pregnancy which has got me thinking about my own! I’m not sure if I’m being reasonable or not so looking for some advice.
Background - I’m 24 weeks pregnant and partner and I have been together 9 months so not long at all. (I know I’ll get flamed for this!)
We moved in together at the start of September. We’re renting and my name is the only one on the tenancy and the household bills - this was my choice because I felt more secure that way, although I’m not sure if that was the right thing to do? We split the rent and all the household bills 50/50. I’m not sure exactly how much he earns, I’ve never asked- he runs his own business so it’s not a set salary, but he told my best friend it was around £60k a year when we had dinner with them once. I work full time on minimum wage, between 40-45 hours a week which comes in at 17-18k a year. As I said we split rent and household bills 50/50 and he sends me the money for his half every month. He also pays for all food shopping as he earns far more than I do. I’m not sure how we should be splitting our money, especially once baby is here and I’m on maternity. I’ll be getting SMP once baby is here. I’ve been buying a few things for baby every week to spread the cost, and will either send him a link for something and ask him to get it or send me some money towards it. I feel like I’m constantly having to ask him for small amounts of money which I hate doing but also don’t want to end up paying for all baby things myself. He earns more but has much higher outgoings than me. The 50/50 split of bills doesn’t include our car insurance, car tax etc. I also pay all the bills for our dog, although he buys her food and treats. I don’t want to come across like I’m after his money or anything like that. Is the way we split things now fair? How would you suggest we do it once I go on maternity? I will be returning to work after maternity, although I haven’t decided how many hours I’ll do once I go back.

If you're not marrying or having a civil partnership, you need to stay financially independent. Don't drop hours to do unpaid childcare if he does none and his career goes unaffected. You might think, well I don't earn as much so it makes sense for me to, but you have zero protection if he fucks off or dies, and your lifelong earning potential and pension pot will be affected. He needs to take on half the responsibilities for your family life. Being an unmarried sahp is an incredibly vulnerable position.

To get to your actual question, I think the ideal is to share bills in proportion to income.

You need to split ALL bills 50:50 normally and cost up how much you think the big baby items plus some clothes etc will cost and give him a figure to put in a another account ( a current account essentially being used as a savings account with joint names on it with the understanding this is for the baby). Then I think you need to sit him down and ask that over your maternity leave can he pay a bit more to tide you over. Explain how skint you will be if you have to continue to pay even half of all bills plus your contribution to the baby account. I suspect you will be in the red each month.

I also agree with the poster before me that the ideal position is to split by income. I’m the higher earner and have always paid more in than my husband but I think you need to work up to that conversation.

With regards to paying all bills 50/50 I don’t think I could even afford to do this. His car payment is £700 a month, he pays his mum £300 rent a month for his old house which they own 50/50 even though he isn’t living in it. That’s already £500 each a month without his car tax, insurance, phone etc.
Most of the big baby purchases are done - we were given nursery furniture for free by a lovely friend, and both our families are kindly buying some of the big things like the travel system (they offered, we didn’t ask!). I’ve bought most things on Facebook marketplace or eBay so kept the costs as low as possible. It’s all the small bits now really - clothes, nappies, baby nail clippers! I also don’t know if it’s fair to use some of the baby money for things like a nursing bra or maternity leggings or whether that should be my cost if that makes sense?

Of course the baby money should cover your maternity wear. I find it a bit alarming that you haven't had these conversations with him. This is why you're expecting a flaming for moving so quickly, right .

His car, phone etc would remain his expense unless you genuinely have equal use of it.

I also find it alarming that you have both not sat down and had these conversations. Do you actually know each other at all deep down?. You are both going to become parents here. Have you discussed what surname this child will have; will it be his or yours?.

Household bills, groceries, baby stuff should be paid for between you (ideally in proportion to your incomes).

And while you take a hit to your income due to maternity leave, he should be contributing to your expenses. You're both having a baby and creating a family unit. You shouldn't be the only one taking the hit.

And while you're unmarried or not in a civil partnership, you need to go back to work and he needs to take responsibility for half the childcare.

@category12

Of course the baby money should cover your maternity wear. I find it a bit alarming that you haven't had these conversations with him. This is why you're expecting a flaming for moving so quickly, right .

His car, phone etc would remain his expense unless you genuinely have equal use of it.

This

@category12

Household bills, groceries, baby stuff should be paid for between you (ideally in proportion to your incomes).

And while you take a hit to your income due to maternity leave, he should be contributing to your expenses. You're both having a baby and creating a family unit. You shouldn't be the only one taking the hit.

And while you're unmarried or not in a civil partnership, you need to go back to work and he needs to take responsibility for half the childcare.

And This

FWIW I would add his name to the bills (not the tenancy) as then they are both of your joint responsibility.

Make a list if all joint expenses but not personal things like cars and phones. Literally a spreadsheet and add them all up.

Ask him what his monthly income is s d share yours. If you feel you can’t ask this or he queries why you need to know, get over it. You’ve combined DNA, these are important conversations to be having.

Assuming there is already a big disparity between your incomes then suggest a fair way to cover bills (60:40 instead of 50:50 etc).
But then also discuss the fact that when you are on SMP you will have even less to contribute.
His rent to his mum is a separate issue and that’s an obligation he has to figure out separately to his responsibilities to you and his child.

But definitely don’t leave yourself vulnerable by reducing hours or giving baby his surname instead of keeping yours as that’s what baby will be given at birth

You should be paying for all joint expenses (rent, dog, baby things, food) in proportion to your incomes. If you make less than 1/4 what he makes, you should pay less than 1/4 to this pot every month. This will likely drop even further when you are on SMP. His personal expenses (car, insurance, his mum, any coffees or meals out for himself) come from his own personal pot after joint expenses are paid. You need to set up a joint account to manage all of this because realistically if you are on may leave, you’ll be the one with time to do all the shopping and you’ll inevitably end up buying more but not getting properly reimbursed for it, so your disposable income will get eaten up by expenses he really should be paying for.

Not the point of the thread, but when did you get a joint dog?? I actually think you should ask him to cover all bills and expenses while you take 3 months maternity leave. Because you've been on minimum wage and the lightning speed at which you are both conducting this relationship meant that you didn't have time to save. Start considering childcare costs and discuss how you'll split that. No discussion about marriage?

Consider having him take 3 months parental leave and take over childcare duties at 6/9 months so you can go back to work.

Start as you mean to go on - make it clear that your work is just as important as his, and you will both be impacted equally by having this child.

You could suggest that you both drop to 4 days/week after mat leave / parental leave doing a day a week childcare each, and LO goes to nursery 3 days/week.... the cost of which will be split between you. (If he doesn't want to do 1 day/wk childcare, he can pay extra for that day of nursery.)

What are your long term plans OP? Do you see yourself staying with this man? Do you want to?

But definitely don’t leave yourself vulnerable by reducing hours or giving baby his surname instead of keeping yours as that’s what baby will be given at birth

This.

Good point. I second the poster who said give the baby your surname. 100%

These conversations sort of come up as and when, I think both putting money into a baby account is a good idea. At the moment if I’m going to buy say a maternity bra for £18 or something I feel silly asking him for £9 for “his half”. In terms of knowing each other deep down, we spent the first lockdown together and it feels like we’ve been together a lot longer than we have because we’ve spent so much time together.

I will definitely be going back to work, and it sounds like I’m best going back full time.

The dog was mine before we got together, but we consider her our dog now. He walks her and adores her. He hasn’t refused to pay her insurance or expenses but they’ve always come out of my account because they did before we were together.

We have talked about marriage and agreed that we want to get married eventually, see ourselves together long term as a family. We aren’t doing it now because we haven’t been together long and want to focus our money on getting ready for baby. I want to be with him and I’m very happy - as is he as far as I know!

Can I ask why people advise giving baby my surname? Thank you for everyone’s advice so far it’s been really helpful!

The baby will have your surname at birth. It’s medical records and baby tags will all be Baby boy / girl Your Name.

Babys always have the mums name, it just depends on if she changed her name on marriage to her husbands.

You can choose to register the baby with his surname if you want to but if you did split up, you couldn’t change it or add yours without his permission.

If you do get married the general practice is to reregister the baby so as to make them a child of the marriage.
This is an old practice to ensure “illegitimate” children were protected and ensured inheritance alongside children born after the wedding. But it’s still recommend to do it even though we no longer care about the “shame” of illegitimacy.

So if you DP go on to get married you could change the babys surname at that point anyway.

Oh and you can’t afford to wait for money conversations to come up as and when. You need to be productive

How old are you both? It would concern me that you don't feel comfortable talking about salaries, yet plan to raise a baby together.

I really hope it works out but you need to plan for the likelihood it won't. Most men expect the baby to have their surname but if you did separate it would mean you have a different surname to your baby and if you did meet someone else you wouldn't be able to change it. It might all sound unlikely now but 50% of relationships break down.

Is there a chance your income will increase?

I’d work out the household bills only so rent, food, water, energy bla bla bla then split 50/50 he pays his own car and you pay your own car and you each pay your own phone bills/loans/credit cards / stuff that has nothing to do with the other. See if that way works

We have talked about marriage and agreed that we want to get married eventually, see ourselves together long term as a family. We aren’t doing it now because we haven’t been together long and want to focus our money on getting ready for baby. I want to be with him and I’m very happy - as is he as far as I know!

Getting married costs next to no money. Having a wedding can cost as little or as much as you want.

It offers you financial protection and security. You would be most sensible to get married, keep working (once mat leave is over) and set the precedent that you are equals - which you should be.

You've taken a huge gamble by becoming parents so early in your relationship and that's not coming from a judgemental place but from seeing what's happened with friends of mine in this situation of have put off getting married (it's just a piece of paper / costs loads - no it's not, no it doesn't have to) become SAHM and been fucked over when it's ended as their earning potential has diminished.

Your focus shouldn't be on getting 'his' money (you say you're worried about looking like you're doing that) but ensuring you and your child are as financially secure as possible.

Do not stop working.
Do not put off getting married if you want to be.
Do not treat your child's expenses as something you should cover and he should 'help with'
Do not get pregnant again until you've been together much longer

You're in a very vulnerable situation financially and practically and a decent partner would want to help you mitigate that.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

We have talked about marriage and agreed that we want to get married eventually, see ourselves together long term as a family. We aren’t doing it now because we haven’t been together long and want to focus our money on getting ready for baby. I want to be with him and I’m very happy - as is he as far as I know!

Getting married costs next to no money. Having a wedding can cost as little or as much as you want.

It offers you financial protection and security. You would be most sensible to get married, keep working (once mat leave is over) and set the precedent that you are equals - which you should be.

You've taken a huge gamble by becoming parents so early in your relationship and that's not coming from a judgemental place but from seeing what's happened with friends of mine in this situation of have put off getting married (it's just a piece of paper / costs loads - no it's not, no it doesn't have to) become SAHM and been fucked over when it's ended as their earning potential has diminished.

Your focus shouldn't be on getting 'his' money (you say you're worried about looking like you're doing that) but ensuring you and your child are as financially secure as possible.

Do not stop working.
Do not put off getting married if you want to be.
Do not treat your child's expenses as something you should cover and he should 'help with'
Do not get pregnant again until you've been together much longer

You're in a very vulnerable situation financially and practically and a decent partner would want to help you mitigate that.

And yes tell him you want to give the baby your last name. If he doesn't like that, ask him what the reason is for the baby having HIS last name when you don't share it. That should tell you all you need to know about whether he really does want to get married. Again, decent men don't assume the baby is property to be owned by them and their name by default, but treat a woman's income as only viable if it covers the cost of childcare - something I've seen happen too many times.

Never forget, this baby is 50% his responsibility. He is not doing you a favour by 'helping' with baby costs. It's the least he should be doing while you're on mat leave at least.

Terrifying you don't know his salary! You're going to be parents. You need a sit down, grown up, real life talk about parenting, finances, marriage and plans for the next 5/10 years. That talk shouldn't be a scary prospect as you're now tied for life through the baby, whether you end up remaining together for the rest of your lives or not.

Do not sacrifice your independence, ever.

Me and my partner are 23 weeks pregnant, not married. We live together in a rented house under my name with my DD. How we split our bills is-

All income goes into one pot. From that pot both our personal bills are paid, rent, gas, electric, cars , food, savings, baby etc, what is left is money for both of us to either have treats or emergencies. Therefore it’s none of this ‘I make more, I should have more disposable income’ etc. When I go on maternity my wage will decrease but we will still just put everything into the same pot and pay the bills and see what’s left. It leaves no arguments and helps us feel Like one unit. My partner was the higher earned before covid around 61k, I made 22k . He then lost his job and I became the higher earner .. and although treat money took a hit in our pot we still worked it all out by still combining what we both got. Now we are both on a higher income as I got promoted and he got a higher salary job. It just swings in round abouts but I feel it’s fair for a family unit.

When I lived with my DD father he was an extremely high earner but was tight with his money. We also where only with each other 9 months when I fell pregnant and moved into together when she was born. His money was his and he only paid his half of bills. When I went on maternity and then had to go onto being a sahm as my daughter was very ill first few years of her life he still didn’t see that he needed to pay more towards her or cover my down fall in wage and half of the bills to support his family. It was a very depressing relationship and I became very vulnerable and my career and security took a hit. It took me 6 years to leave and as a single mother on support from the government to help me make ends meet I was then able to pick myself back up and gain confidence again. I went back to uni and started my career. And now I’m very head strong on what I need and want out of a partner when it’s regarding children and finances.

Have a talk with ur partner and gauge how supportive he is going to be. U need to keep urself secure and if he’s not mature enough to become a team with you and support u on maternity then think hard about ur future with him. Best of luck

700 Pounds a month on a car - Holy Shit !

It's probably too early in the relationship to have completely joint finances as you've only known him a few months. However, it seems like he regards his money as his to be given when he sees fit. Not really great for the future. And getting married provides more security but doesn't guarantee he will be less mean with his money. Frankly, I can't see this working in the long term.