Where do we go from here

[Tatiannatomasina]

Married 11 years, emigrated a while ago and now live far from home. Both have stressful jobs dealing with trauma and the worst things that people can do to one another. DH is struggling to deal with how his work is affecting him, possibly ptsd or vicarious trauma. Sought help a while ago but only solved his issues with sleeping and nothing else. He has become increasingly snappy and withdrawn emotionally. It all came to a head yesterday when he told me I am too money oriented, he wishes we had never bought our rental property and due to a health condition I have he resents that we can't eat out like we used to and hates my style of cooking. I have serious allergies, diagnosed, and dont trust restaurants after some scary experiences.I eat a limited diet, its boring and I no longer enjoy eating out as my choices are so limited. He overeats and I am concerned about his weight and have told him so, but he sees that as an attack. Whenever we are not together he eats whatever he wants and in large amounts. I think he is trying to manage his emotions through food.
He is terrible with money, was in debt when we met. I sorted it all out, got us on track and we are now financially very secure. He used to be happy for me to make all the financial decisions, but now he is saying the exact opposite.
He now suffers from ed to a degree and doesnt want to kiss me.
I never realised he held such resentment towards me until now. He is emotionally distant from his family, doesnt really have any friends.
I have asked him to go see someone to talk about his ptsd but he keeps putting it off, he is worried that it will affect his work if they find out.
Our whole life is on the line now, I feel blindsided by his revalations and dont know where to turn.
I have suffered from burnout and vicarious trauma myself, but got through it and feel I can cope. He wants me to support him but I have no idea how to do this, other than to suggest he asks for professional help which he is resisting.
Sorry its so disjointed, my thoughts are in a whirl. I cant eat, and am struggling to sleep. I feel so sad but cant see a way through this at all. I feel paralysed by indecision, but am starting to feel bolts of anger too.

Sorry you're going through this.

I'm not sure what the way forward is if he won't countenance seeking help. I guess that applies to relationship counselling as well?

Sorry not to be more help, hopefully bumping this back up the list will get you some more responses.

Well things have moved on a pace. Today he told me he didnt love me and wants to split. Said he hadnt felt it for some time and it would not be coming back. Thanks to mumsnet I am not begging him to reconsider, I dont think there is an OW but we all know the wife is always the last to know in that regard. Our finances are messy, but hopefully we should be able to start unravelling things. He wants to get on with the practical side of the split, sort out who gets what, half of me wants to, the other half is just in shock and we will be tied for another year regardless due to our business. I do still love him very much, but he doesnt love me and I have to find a way of getting through it.

Oh gosh. I am sorry. Have you friends where you are living and how is Covid affecting daily life? It would be good to have some strong social events planned but may be difficult?

I'm so sorry, op. How shocking. If I were you, I would be speaking to a solicitor as soon as possible.

I'm so sorry OP. Do you have friends locally you can talk to about this? Pls make sure you get a fair deal in all this, it's easy to go along with someone else's plan when you're still getting over the shock of it all.

I do have friends, but dont want to reach out to them yet. I want to speak with my sister and parents first as I think that will help it feel more real but due to the time difference I will have to wait until later today. We are not really affected by covid here, so life carries on as normal pretty much. I am so shocked, even though i probably knew it was on the cards. I just wish he had been more honest with me. I gave up everything to follow him here, i did it willingly and now I have to decide do I stay and try build a single life here or do I return to the UK when covid allows. I have a good job here, no idea what my chances of finding work in the uk will be. So many decisions to make. This will be my second divorce, I feel ashamed.

I was a single expat. It is hard. But the jobs market in the UK right now is bad...you might want to not make any hasty decisions. You have enough to deal with and continuity at work might be steadying. Don't feel ashamed of two divorces. Everyone has relationships that don't last and it wasn't you that gave up, it was him. All best for talking to your family.

Family contacted and informed, all shocked but very supportive. I am supposed to be on leave until January but I am going in to work tomorrow as my head is ready to explode. I hope the distraction will do me good. I need to make a plan, so I will have peace to do that, even if I get no work done.

Take care. Good you have family and yes working or keeping busy ...do what you think is best for you.

From your first OP I thought you should spilt. I’m so sorry for the split, a big shock. Write a list of practical stuff. Don’t leave without your final share. Run a bubble bath, get a glass of wine and have a big cry x

What sector are you in? uk job market is good in some sectors. I’ve just secured an epic job

I agree we need to split, but it doesnt make it any easier to swallow. With hindsight the signs were there he was checking out, but I didnt want to see it and hoped he loved me enough to keep trying. He says he wants to keep things amicable, but I am struggling at the thought of trying to live together while we sort things out.
Job wise I have a degree and have always worked in a justice setting, but I cant return to the career I had before I left the UK and I am not sure if my role here exists in the UK. I am shattered but cant sleep, my heart is racing and I feel sick. I just want to sleep for a bit so I can forget for a while.

I'm sorry OP but I have NO sympathy for anyone with a mental illness who has a partner and family and will not seek help.
It is not acceptable to subject everybody to the symptoms of their condition.
I went out of my way to get diagnosed so I knew what I was dealing with and what I need to do to get better. I have complex PTSD.
Before my diagnosis I was floundering all over the place wondering what the hell was going on, it got so bad at one point I was hearing voices.
Diagnosis is such a relief, I know exactly what I am dealing with now, am on the right medication and I'm working towards getting better mostly through self help books and videos on the condition as its a very long waiting list for therapies.
My life is 100% better now. I live alone so have nobody else to worry about but in your situation it must be just awful for you.
There are laws regarding mental health in the workplace and how the hell does he think his work will find out if he sees his GP?
He is being selfish and ridiculous. I'd be giving him an ultimatum, get help or else we;re finished.
You cannot be expected to live with this.

I have read your update btw, this condition usually means you want to get rid of everyone and live on your own.
Quite possibly there is no OW he just cannot face living with anyone and his emotions have become blunted.
Shame he didn't seek help, this need never have happened.

To be honest a few things have me wondering if there is anyone else, I found him on a call which he immediately ended in a rushed weird way, he is definately more concerned with his appearance and I found a selfie on our computer which in isolation dont sound much, but coupled with his behaviour lead me to think there probably is someone else, though I dont know to what extent. I dont want to dig any further as what would be the point? He doesnt want me so he is free to move on. All my family asked if he had found someone else, so maybe he has, ain my experience most men seem to leave when they think they have found a better option, they dont usually go it alone.
I managed to sleep for 4 hours, so hopefully its enough to get me through today. Heart is still racing and I feel panicked but want to go to work so I can speak to a friend there without him overhearing. Have to keep telling myself he is not your friend and he doesnt care whst happens to you. Its bloody surreal after so many good years together.I think I am in shock, I cant cry at all, just feel churning sickness and cant eat.

Keep going. You're doing brilliantly. Yes you will be in shock.

Work went ok, i have arranged counselling for myself and will be getting legal advice. A friend has offered me a place to stay and there is a unit i can rent if I feel strong enough to go it alone. Its so tempting to just get on a plane and run away, but we moved here for MY job, I just bought a lovely new car and I have friends and a small business here. Lots of thinking to do. He is working away over Christmas so at least I get the house to myself for a bit. He tried to tell me he still cared but I shut that shit right down, patronising shit. Really trying to harness some inner strength to get me through the utter shit show that is now my life. It massively helps posting on here, thank you to everyone for your comments, i dont feel so alone and I managed to sleep for 6.5 hours last night, so I will call that a win.

Do you have any DCs together?

Sorry you are going through this OP. It sounds like there are lots of positives where you are even if you and DH are not together.

I really would not be ashamed about two divorces. People change and grow so much in their lives That I don’t think meeting them one’ and staying together in marriage for a life time is realistic anymore.

No DC, thank god, so no lasting ties to bind us. I am all over the place still, massively in shock, I loved him so much, he was everything to me. I am scared of being alone, having no one to share the highs and lows with, sleeping alone every night. We were a team and now I have to go it alone and I dont know if I can make a success of it or not.

You need not be alone forever and you will probably find some solace in being alone after all his issues. You sound strong and sensible OP and I am sure you are right about another woman in the picture. As you say men rarely jump unless they know there is a soft landing.

He appears happy as larry, arranging to go on the piss new years eve and carrying on as normal. I cant imagine trusting anyone so implicitly again and the though of another relationship makes me feel physically sick. Trying to get my ducks in a row and plan the rest of my life. He has been pushing me to accept his financial settlement and I have told him to back off as its been 5 minutes for me. He was acting sorry for himself and I know he feels hard done by, i just kept thinking you dickhead this is all your doing not mine. Massive waves of panic and sadness and trying to turn the love off but its so hard. I think I am more resiliant than him and I will do eveything in my power to make a success of the rest of my life., What a time to be dumped..

He definitely needs to back off a bit! Don't let him push you into agreeing a financial settlement at this stage - what an inconsiderate twat he is.

Very inconsiderate. Making jokes about finding a new girlfriend, oversharing everything he is doing, When I said i felt ashamed about now having 2 divorces he compared me to Elizabeth Taylor. He hasnt got a clue and has the emotional maturity of a 7 year old. Why did I never notice that before? Hes going away with work for a week today and I cant wait, even if I spend tomorrow bawling along to last christmas its better than dealing with him. Praying for the day I feel nothing and even though its killing me I am acting pleasantly and as normally as possible.

How horrible for you , he's saying some dreadful things.
Not sure how it works where you are? Tell him (on repeat ) you'll take the financial settlement proposal to a solicitor.
Are you sure he's working over Christmas? I'd be tempted to pack his stuff.
Good luck

Him being happy (is not congruent to the situation, esp as he wasn't happy before), joking about new gf (men can't keep their mouths shout when they're infatuated, hence "mentionitis"), the phone call, taking care with his appearance and going away for a week when most people are on holiday makes me think there is an OW. This is of use to you in your weaker moments when you feel like begging to have him back. Btw, a couple of weeks after I found a selfie of my exDH on family iPad, my friend found him on Tinder!