50+, porn addicted, appalling sexual expectations and ED

[Notrightorgoodbutfun]

I saw it on another thread (perhaps the affair one?) and as PPs were describing this breed of men, I realised this just charaterised my last three years of dating/sex, online or not.

I'm not looking for "should I date them/stay with them/dump them," I am just intellectually curious as to why so many of them have come out like this?

Like other posters, I am 40+, post-divorce, with a few kids, a few saggy bits but not bad looking, I take care of myself.

Dating and having sex with these men is like dating two different people in the same body. They are perfectly normal at work, at home, with friends, have jobs, some money in the bank, can chat about culture, the news, life - emotionally aware experienced and literate as often have teenage children and a marrage behind them, good to take to a party, conversationalists, occasionally charming.

Yet at the same time the first sexual suggestions are extreme and incomprehsnible to me. If they were suggested by someone I did not yet know I would think that person was a sadist or a psychopath. Yet they are not.

Not one of these men who I've met who I've had sex with has been able to get an erection the first time we had sex. With just me and my naked body and theirs. Literally like stuffing a marshmallow into a postbox. Yet they are still keen. Why? The ones who have managed it I've found viagra packets in their bathrooms just lying there open.

If I've gone along with the sexual acrobatics and dressing up and lingerie and imitating porn, I have been lucky enough to get an erection.

I just don't understand. Why has porn turned a generation of 50+ year olds into "anal sex on the first date" ? Why are they not aware of it? Aren't they embarrassed that they can't see a woman's naked body and get an erection? That she has to be wearing latex for them to even get a softie?

hmm. The guy I have started seeing recently has trouble with maintaining an erection. The only guy I have been with who did not get hard when I went down on him. It is getting better now we know each other a bit better. He says he gets nervous about being able to maintain an erection and this makes him lose it. He is better when I give him oral sex now, but undulates between getting hard and soft when I do it. I have never had this before.
However I early on told him I would not do any porn things, and when I listed off the things I would not do, he was genuinely disgusted at the sound of them. And he really likes that I have pubic hair. And he is the most generous man I have ever met in bed and very respectful. The only guy I have ever orgasmed with every time we have sex. So I don't think he is a porn addict, though it is also getting clear he is not as vanilla as he first claimed.

I guess the, marshmallow thing could be age, nerves or porn.

@lostintheday

hmm. The guy I have started seeing recently has trouble with maintaining an erection. The only guy I have been with who did not get hard when I went down on him. It is getting better now we know each other a bit better. He says he gets nervous about being able to maintain an erection and this makes him lose it. He is better when I give him oral sex now, but undulates between getting hard and soft when I do it. I have never had this before. However I early on told him I would not do any porn things, and when I listed off the things I would not do, he was genuinely disgusted at the sound of them. And he really likes that I have pubic hair. And he is the most generous man I have ever met in bed and very respectful. The only guy I have ever orgasmed with every time we have sex. So I don't think he is a porn addict, though it is also getting clear he is not as vanilla as he first claimed.

I guess the, marshmallow thing could be age, nerves or porn.

Along with the abundance of pornography that's available to anyone with nigh-on any form of digital device - grateful that I grew up when this wasn't the case, tbh - there is now also the growing issue of body and performance dismorphia for men. What we watch has us thinking that we need 3% bodyfat, that everyone is equipped with a firehose, that anything under a punchy 90 minutes is a disappointment.

Yes, its collectively all our own doing for watching it, but I'd wager that there are plenty out there for whom the anxiety is a serious issue in of itself.

Agreed.

I'm single now and have been for a year. I'm just so tired of the weird sexual side of the men I meet. These include:

• hold ups must be worn and talked about for even a glimmer of sexual interest.

• threesomes must be discussed for even a glimmer of a 'full' standing performance.

• he must be allowed to dress in my underwear in order to perform/get in the mood.

• everything focussed on my arse or it's 'not fair' or 'exciting enough.'

It's just so exhausting and depressing.

God, how I miss the men of the 80s and 90s.

It is of course down to porn use and the nature of that porn which took a deep dive into brutal misogyny at the turn of the century.

These are four different men Ive seen/dated from 2011 - 2019.

This is a depressing read. I'd assumed this was basically a problem with younger men, reared on porn. The sad thing is that 25 years ago, men in this age group were actually normal. They're the age group I'd have got together with at university and back then men regarded it as a badge of honour to satisfy women in bed.

A bit baffled by the postbox analogy. You could stuff a whole unopened packet of marshmallows into most postboxes.

Glad to hear that I've evidently managed to snap up one of the only 50+ men on OLD who are not interested in porn and are good in bed, though.

Omg I am never letting DP go. I completely believe you.

GCacademic l agree.

Must be so hard these days. Some of these stories are just horrific. I shudder for my 14 year old dd.

I’ve had 3 long term relationships. None of them were/are into porn. Although 2 have/had computer based jobs.

Dh just looks at motorbike porn!

I foresee many lonely old men in the future. Not joking. I work with the elderly and dying and sometimes the only person at a mans deathbed is the ex wife who is only there because she is decent and kind (he’s the father of my children eye roll).

So depressing. I'm in my early 50s, separated for a few years now and have looked at dating sites a couple of times but not gone as far as meeting anyone. I just can't face this shit. I know there must be decent non-porn-addled men out there and this thread suggests there are a few, but how would you find them? Wonder if anyone has set up a dating agency for porn avoiders who like vanilla sex.

My bottom is strictly EXIT only that made me laugh! Me too. I am not doing it. I don't care if it makes me less cool and interesting, or if I'd love it if I tried it (unlikely). That will just have to go unexplored.

I actually look back and feel really lucky now, that I spent the 80s and 90s having nice, caring, straightforward sex with generally nice men. The man I was subsequently in a LTR with had other failings, but he still didn't pressure me for porn sex.

Ravenmum, that's true, I've also heard, like stuffing a marshmallow in to a coin slot.

That’s why these men are looking for young women. They think that all the young men are having porny sex with young women. They don’t understand that lots of young men are also busy having right handed sex with themselves every night. They think they’re living the dream.

Do you just attract a certain type of man?

Wow.

I've heard the saying, like pushing a marshmallow into a keyhole.

Not heard the letterbox analogy though.

Naked Attraction has a lot to answer for. Enough to make you vomit the stuff they talk about. I think many men are so worried about performing to circus standards that they can’t get it up. For some reason they have sex first and then get to know each other which completely baffles me.

Porn is a visual stimulant, the sex act is a sensory stimulant. That’s why they cant cole. They are so used to the easiness of the visuals and have to work harder at the sensory.

The more I read on here about men addicted to porn or on prostitution websites, with no respect for women, the more I feel grateful for not being born straight.

I’m not against men by the way. But there’s something going very culturally wrong when sexual exploitation has become normalised. I’m not against porn either, but the internet has allowed some people to view extreme porn and think it normal.

@4cats2kids there is plenty of highly exploitative and aggressive lesbian porn out there too, sadly.

I'm 40 and have mixed experience. Tend to date me a bit younger than myself (last do is 32).
I've had the good, the bad and the ugly. I'm confident enough now (in a way I wasnt in my 20s I'm sad to say) that I have very clear boundaries. No anal, no shaving, no exclusive blow jobs- they are foreplay only and no you're not coming on my face. It weeds out the guys who wont respect you early on. I had one guy that would constantly bleat on about anal/being shaved in nearly every conversation. Bye.
It's very liberating compared to 20s me who pretended to be the cool girl and did all kinds of things I didn't remotely enjoy.

Reading back, one thing that hasnt been mentioned that I've found, is the guys who expect you to have no body hair and believe the choice as to whether you do or not lies with them.

I had the opposite. I prefer less fluff owing to a particular sport I do and the last bloke thought he was entitled to a view on this (he wanted a more natural look)... he went, for many reasons. He also asked me to lose weight and get healthier despite the fact that he was a substance abuser, it turned out

I've not found this at all. I am 42 and have been separated 3 years. None of the men I have met in the 2.5 years I have been dating had any issues with getting an erection or expected porn-style sex. The youngest guy was 37 and the oldest 50. My bf now is 48 and also has no issues and is just grateful that I enjoy sex after being in a mostly sexless and loveless marriage!

No men I have met have ever even mentioned anal sex either, luckily for me ( whatever floats your boat of course but it's not for me).

Sorry your experience has been different.

Never any comments on body hair either!

I opt to be smooth. My choice. I’ve had “go hairy” requests (or should l say demands) too. So preferences are not all identical.

What l think is important, as much as making it clear about what you don’t want (l willnot, for example, have my body covered in goo!) is making it clear what you do expect from them; in my case regular oral. No oral, no entry. I have been criticised on MN for saying this. But, if I’m to share my body with someone (nobody is forced to), they can meet my expectations.