50+, porn addicted, appalling sexual expectations and ED

[Notrightorgoodbutfun]

I saw it on another thread (perhaps the affair one?) and as PPs were describing this breed of men, I realised this just charaterised my last three years of dating/sex, online or not.

I'm not looking for "should I date them/stay with them/dump them," I am just intellectually curious as to why so many of them have come out like this?

Like other posters, I am 40+, post-divorce, with a few kids, a few saggy bits but not bad looking, I take care of myself.

Dating and having sex with these men is like dating two different people in the same body. They are perfectly normal at work, at home, with friends, have jobs, some money in the bank, can chat about culture, the news, life - emotionally aware experienced and literate as often have teenage children and a marrage behind them, good to take to a party, conversationalists, occasionally charming.

Yet at the same time the first sexual suggestions are extreme and incomprehsnible to me. If they were suggested by someone I did not yet know I would think that person was a sadist or a psychopath. Yet they are not.

Not one of these men who I've met who I've had sex with has been able to get an erection the first time we had sex. With just me and my naked body and theirs. Literally like stuffing a marshmallow into a postbox. Yet they are still keen. Why? The ones who have managed it I've found viagra packets in their bathrooms just lying there open.

If I've gone along with the sexual acrobatics and dressing up and lingerie and imitating porn, I have been lucky enough to get an erection.

I just don't understand. Why has porn turned a generation of 50+ year olds into "anal sex on the first date" ? Why are they not aware of it? Aren't they embarrassed that they can't see a woman's naked body and get an erection? That she has to be wearing latex for them to even get a softie?

@Tambourina

I just won't be able to look at a packet of marshmallows in the same light again.

especially those squishy pink ones

This is why (pre lockdown) I only date younger men 😉

Porn and easy access to it have ruined generations of men, for good.
Add in the development of viagra etc and even the oldest men can keep expecting the ‘porn star experience ‘.

And young boys are now growing up with access to it on their phones, every day. I feel so sorry for teenage girls and what is EXPECTED of them if they wish to have a boyfriend.

Yes, there will be exceptions, but they are just that, it is unbearably foul.

I've been dating guys on their 40s and I've found exactly the same. Mine have been off POF so this could explain why though My experiences include;

Massive reluctance to use condoms, scary really with the prevalence of STDs

All wanting anal, vaginal sex doesn't seem to turn them on any more.

Struggling to maintain an erection during the act and then wanting a porn style finish, i.e on the face or breasts.

Like the OP says, all family men with decent jobs and friends. And all wanting no strings FWB type set ups. Very few want to actually connect or form anything a bit more meaningful.

I think there are two separate issues here. Some men find it difficult to get an erection and need a viagra - fair enough. Wanting women to do things they’re not happy with and actually getting more sexual excitement when the woman’s not comfortable - no no no massive red flag.

@VashtaNerada

I think there are two separate issues here. Some men find it difficult to get an erection and need a viagra - fair enough. Wanting women to do things they’re not happy with and actually getting more sexual excitement when the woman’s not comfortable - no no no massive red flag.

And also the issue of those who have ED as a result of too much porn use and no longer finding real women with flaws or personalities of their own exciting enough

Porn needs to be banned

This is sounding familiar. Ive an ex who is 53 soon. We were together a few of years. He never came once during our relationship, and there was a LOT of sex. He was always horny but couldnt always get an erection, or a maintain a really hard one once we started DTD. Couldnt get one at all if he'd drunk more than 5 pints Woke every morning at 5.30 with a proper erection which would work though.

He's the only person that has ever rimmed me (which I freely admit that I did quite enjoy) or Ive done anal with (without being TMI, I can cope with passing, shall we say, "girthier" loads out than allowing his in). One comment I'll always remember is him saying that I made him "feel like a pornstar". Always liked to view his performance via the large dressing table mirror.

On a couple of occasions when he passed me his phone to look at a website, hed accidentally show his recent browsing history - always porn sites on there.

Id never heard of death grip syndrome at the time, but now it makes sense. Id just put it down to his age.

We didnt meet through POF but he was on it when we met, was throughout the duration of our relationship and still is, (and Zoosk) so if anyone here is on there and planning to meet a beer bellied, long haired, outdoorsy shortarse scouser, dm me and ill fill you in on the rest so anyone on the OLD Over 50s thread, take note!

Porn has a lot to answer for. Dh, when I first met him 2 decades ago, had limited experience of real women but had always watched porn. He thought it was utterly normal to shove my head down to his cock, or slap open-ended at my clit, when I asked him what the hell he thought he was doing he was genuinely shocked. Because he'd seen it in loads of different porn, he honestly thought that that was what all women liked. I've found a lot of female friends say the same about a lot of men they date too, young and old.

@PicsInRed

Men with highly computer based jobs are terrible for it. In marriage too - they're utterly ruined. Men with low computer usage much more normal and more likely to be actually nice. 3 guesses why. 🤔

My BF at the time fitted this and he was late 20s at the time. Nothing normal was acceptable. I wonder where he is now and if his wife (as I know he got married at one point) is happy.

It is definitely a thing and very unfortunate. Last one I slept with (mid 40s) could not come at all. The booze didnt help but still.

I do agree porn has a lot to answer for and I worry for the next generations of men and their expectations. Neither men or women will feel fulfilled. Quite demoralising

But the marshmallow in a postbox is brilliant and made me LOL

My ex isnt computer literate or techno savvy (no need for it in his job, he's a postman) he only has his phone. No longer has wifi or tv now that Im not there paying for it. And now he always runs out of data every month 🤔

I'm 24 and on the contrary, I find it difficult to find men who are into the sexual kinks I have. Most of them just want normal PIV sex and a bit of oral, and are done within 10 mins.

Should I ever become single again, I think I would prefer to remain so. Can’t be bothered with selfish, porn-addled men at all.

Do you just attract a certain type of man?

Nice bit of victim-blaming there

Internet porn...too many men seem to think what the sex they see on screen is real and how it should be done.

I think they see OLD as an extension on that. They no longer see a woman as a real human being, just someone to perform their fantasies for their immediate gratification.

I think the whole thing is sad really. Does a disservice to both men and women.

Add to that that some men in their 50s still have not adapted to a more equal world and still see women as mainly an object for their satisfaction.

One of the many reasons I gave up OLD. Just a sad little world full of equally sad porn-addicted inadequate guys...

Porn is so destructive.

I married a lovely man and we had a happy sexual relationship. Caring, thoughtful, always satisfying. Then he got onto porn vids to try and assuage his serious anxiety problems and our sexual relationship went down the drain because he wanted things that I did not and he denigrated me for my decisions.

I feel very sad at how this destroyed what had been so happy for us both. Decades of this before he died. So very sad.

This is the reason I’m staying single. For. Ever. I’ve heard so much about this type of thing from friends who have been dating. The thought of a new partner behaving like this and requesting some of these things actually frightens me. Really scares me. And I’m 45! I used to enjoy sex but over the years I’ve had that many bad experiences that I hate it now and I don’t see any way back from that. I’ve been made to feel like a piece of meat and I’ve been physically hurt. My confidence with it is all gone.
Maybe I’m irrational but that’s just who I am. I’d rather keep my male friends as just that. Then nobody is disappointed. In some ways I miss the companionship a relationship brings but I’m not prepared to put up with what goes with it. I’m quite sure not every single man is like this but the problem is that you generally don’t find out until you are at your most vulnerable, naked etc. It just makes me feel sick at the thought of it

I actually find this quite shocking. Men as a rule don't talk about sex I think, either with women (obviously) but also with other men. Might send pictures (I don't but have been sent them) but that's as far as it goes afaik. Lots would be perplexed by this I think and suggest that they actually try talking to women rather than trying to act out fantasies. Needs to go on the vetting questionnaire along with ghosting and able to have awkward conversations.

YY to so many things here. ExH used me to act out his porn videos - I saw his laptop whilst we were in the process of divorcing due to his infidelity and so many of the things he had wanted to do in bed came from there. I found that utterly revolting but hey, he always believed I existed purely for his convenience.

Marshmallow willies and viagra for EVERY (well all three) blokes I dated (and exH). It became clear they were all porn users.

No genuine connection or desire to see me as a person at all even with men I had known for years socially and they were all awful self-absorbed lovers. I concluded pretty smartly that I was far better off alone. I have not regretted it.

I’m mid 30s but tend to date men in their 40s and find similar. I absolutely dread it, after 3 dates or so with completely civilised, professional men you start getting queries on how ‘adventurous’ you are. The last two that I actually thought I could have relationships with have been obsessed with the swinging website that often gets mentioned on here and the most recent one said outright that he couldn’t have a relationship with a ‘vanilla’ woman. This was after about a month of wining and dining me and one night of (frankly very dull) sex.

We had quite a frank conversation about it and it turned out for the last year or so of being single he’d been going to swingers clubs and meeting people and basically having sex with anyone who’d have sex with him, he even told me about one he found actively unattractive but he’d met up with her on three separate occasions.

Needless to say it was the last conversation we had!

I'm seeing a younger man, thirties, and he's certainly had the 'marshmallow' problem. I do think a lot of masturbation and smoking weed contribute. He certainly admitted to wanking a lot over lockdown! But presumably porn was involved in that, they don't seem to have much imagination. Having said all that, we have persevered and he's got a lot better. But the will to please, and see their partner as a human being, has to be there i think.,

OP, l am a similar age to you, single through choice and sexually active.

I think @VashtaNerada ss things up very well, there are 2 seperate issues here. Men can suffer from ED for a number of reasons, including first time (with a new lover) nerves. I have been with men who have taken Viagra, l don’t see anything wrong in a man taking medication for a difficulty, anymore than a woman opting to use lube.

Sexual acrobatics beyond your own comfort zone is another issue. Maybe you should look beyond OLD when these dreadful times are over? Consider clubs and classes perhaps?

And informally, discuss things, including boundaries/rules early on; they can change in time.