TW: I don't know what just happened

[purplechairandcat]

Not even sure where to start really.

My partner and I had sex this morning, all fine, had a nice day too. We were chilling out about to do some housework when she (we're both women) initiated again. I said no multiple times but she kept kissing me and then I didn't say no again but I didn't say yes either, and we started having sex. It all moved so fast but I pushed her off of me and started crying and then asked her to leave the room, which she did.

I feel horrific and confused and disgusting and I'm worried I'm overreacting. Backstory I had a very abusive relationship a few years ago and so things can trigger me so I don't know if I'm just reacting from that or if this was serious. I can't bear to look her in the eye and I feel so so sad. I don't even know why I'm typing this, but am I just being silly? What do I do? Feeling really lost and weird at the moment

Anyone?

I’m sorry I’m not really sure what to say but I didn’t want to read and run. I’m sorry this has happened to you.

If you've said no multiple times then you have been assaulted OP, the subsequent silence was NOT consent. I'm so sorry.

I think you probably need to speak to someone experienced in assualt who can help/support/advise you properly. Lots of resources here: www.nhs.uk/live-well/sexual-health/help-after-rape-and-sexual-assault/

she knows you have a history of abuse; you said no multiple times; she persisted on and on against your wishes.

That was a really terrible thing for her to do to you. Yes, it is serious.

I'm not surprised you can't look her in the eye. I'd never want to set eyes on her again.

We have just started a life together, we are adopting a rescue puppy who arrives next Sunday. I thought I was in a loving relationship and now all over again things feel scary

I'm so sorry to hear this happened to you :(

If my partner said no to kissing then I would immediately stop (we're both women) so at that point you were making your feelings known.

Here is a website that specialise in LGBT and sexual violence.

www.galop.org.uk/sexualviolence/

Where is your partner now?

You are being very far from silly.
Is your partner concerned about you being upset after the sex?

Not being silly. A no is a no in any circumstances.

Emotionally it must be killing you but are you hurt physically too?

I'm so sorry.

Pp are right that you did not consent and were therefore assaulted.

I don't want you to feel bombarded by repeating that, but equally I suspect you may benefit from having it clearly stated. It's really difficult when you're in the middle of the situation yourself. I don't want you sitting there blaming yourself and second guessing yourself because this has reactivated your past traumas on top of being traumatising on its own.

This was wrong. It was not ok, and not your fault.

Rape Crisis is another option there for you too.

I really am so sorry this is happening to you.

Thank you everyone.

@MyMajesty they brought me some dinner a little while ago and asked if I was ok and apologised, I asked them to leave the room again. Just not ready to face them

@Marmozet Thankfully not no

@user1745632169 Thank you. Obviously being a survivor I know abuse when I see it but it's really helping to have other people name it for me- I think maybe that's why I posted this. Couldn't quite get past the mental block of it being my 'fault'.

What the fuck do I do now though. They are honestly the most gentle person I've ever met. They hold none of the 'classic abuser' qualities, not particularly charming or confident. Shy, gentle and kind. How has this happened. We were so happy and I feel completely violated.

I want to think they just didn't realise, or it moved faster than I thought- but I don't know, I really don't. I can't even ask them to stay at their parents for a bit whilst I process because we're in teir 4 in Scotland

@Marmozet sorry just saw your other question- they're in the living room, I'm in the bedroom. Thank you for the resources

These are mitigating circumstances. Is there anywhere you can go for a few nights?

@Marmozet no, my family live 100 miles away in a very, very rural place, I don't drive and I'm higher risk of covid.

How am I in this situation again. I promised myself I would keep myself safe and look what's happened. I'm devastated.

You have to keep coming back to the realisation that it isn't your fault.

No friends nearby you can stay?

I'm assuming she knows about your past with abuse?

@Marmozet I have friends but don't really have anyone to crash with at the moment to be honest. Yes she knows

It's completely wrong for you to feel "scared" in your relationship OP - you also only need to say no once, not several times. So sorry.
Are they approachable without anger? Can you talk about what just happened, ask if they thought it was okay to continue after you'd said "no" - did they think this was some kind of role play? You must talk to them.

Perhaps reach out to one of them? I'm sure one of them would come through for you in this situation.

Otherwise, she is going to have to leave the home for a few days. If she truly is sorry she will do this for you.

How long have you been together? Really don't beat yourself up about getting into similar territory again, I don't think anyone deep down truly knows someone. Some people don't even know themselves sometimes.

@VenusTiger I think the fear aspect I mentioned is more being scared that I'm going to have a repeat of what happened a few years ago. That may be irrational though.

I'm not ready to approach them yet but I do want to talk to them about it. I just don't know how I'll get the words out without crying honestly

@Marmozet I think I'm going to ask her to go to her parents for a few nights. I just need space but I also need to feel safe in my home rather than feeling weird in someone elses. We've been together for about a year and a half. We've been such a great team so far, never argue, always happy... nothing could have prepared me for this

Perhaps writing down how you feel would be best.

I think asking her to leave for a few days is the best thing.

Looking back into the relationship, can you see anything thay would be interpreted as a red flag?