TW: I don't know what just happened

[purplechairandcat]

Not even sure where to start really.

My partner and I had sex this morning, all fine, had a nice day too. We were chilling out about to do some housework when she (we're both women) initiated again. I said no multiple times but she kept kissing me and then I didn't say no again but I didn't say yes either, and we started having sex. It all moved so fast but I pushed her off of me and started crying and then asked her to leave the room, which she did.

I feel horrific and confused and disgusting and I'm worried I'm overreacting. Backstory I had a very abusive relationship a few years ago and so things can trigger me so I don't know if I'm just reacting from that or if this was serious. I can't bear to look her in the eye and I feel so so sad. I don't even know why I'm typing this, but am I just being silly? What do I do? Feeling really lost and weird at the moment

@Marmozet Nothing. They're kind, considerate, loving, a great communicator. I don't understand it at all.

Not on at all this op.
No difference at all if it's two women, two men or a man and a woman.

I don't think you can know someone properly in that length of time.

The fact she knew about your previous relationship makes it worse :(

Why do you keep calling your partner 'they'?
Is this a transwoman?

Maybe they honestly thought u were flirty saying no? I dunno how to explain properly but when my DP would try it on with me sometimes I would tell him no to flirt a bit and make him try harder to turn me on. He’s never forceful tho and knows what a real no I’m not consenting is. (I also have been a victim of sexual assault so I do completely understand the fear and the difference)

If not then yes it is assault and I’m sorry your dealing with this again :( I would advise talk to her and then take it from there but if you need space then ask her to leave

Have you ever said no to sex with your partner before? Hope you're ok and you've got some space.

@MyMajesty

Why do you keep calling your partner 'they'? Is this a transwoman?

OP has said "they" and "she". May just be a turn of phrase.

How are things today OP?

@purplechairandcat any update? How r u and ur partner today

@mymajesty why do you need to question other people's pronouns?

How are things OP?

Ignore those who are questioning pronouns, not sure what relevance there is to this.

@mymajesty why do you need to question other people's pronouns?

definition they

pronoun
1.
used to refer to two or more people or things previously mentioned or easily identified.
"the two men could get life sentences if they are convicted"
2.
used to refer to a person of unspecified gender.
"ask a friend if they could help"

neither of these definitions fit the 'they' pronoun

Sorry this has happened OP. It is infuriating and wrong when people (men in my experience but doesn't matter) think that 'no' means 'try again in a second and keep trying'.

How are you now?

Hi. Sorry I left this thread the minute a trans comment popped up because quite frankly I can't be bothered sticking around on a thread I started about sexual assault when someone is starting to push their own agenda. Thanks very much @MyMajesty I'm sure you feel very proud of yourself making someone feel unwelcome on their own thread about abuse just to get a dig in. My partner is not a trans woman, however having dated trans women in the past, this is not an issue and not something I'm willing to have a bash about. I often use they pronouns when talking about my partner for fear of risk of homophobic discrimination- it's a literal autopilot survival technique for many, many lesbians and bisexual and for you to come and comment on it like that is absolutely shocking. You should be completely ashamed of yourself.

Anyway.

Thanks everyone who stuck to the point of the thread. I'm doing ok. Partner got back last night from their parents and we had a really really long chat. I can tell they're upset but can also tell they're working to hide that from me because given the situation it would be a bit rubbish of them to push their upset when I had felt so violated.

On reflection whilst they were away I do think it all happened quicker than I thought. Partner and I are staying together but are going to look at joint therapy to make sure things are ironed out appropriately and I have told them in no circumstances will I put up with that ever again, and if it happens again I will quite happily kick them out. They haven't tried to tell me I'm wrong or overreacting and have been thoroughly apologetic- I'm hoping that along with therapy together will be enough to make things right again.

Hello OP. Thank you for coming back to us with an update.

As a lesbian I totally agree with you on the use of 'they' has a pronoun and being something you say on autopilot. It is something that is said to protect oneself as you never know if you are to face homophobia.

In terms of therapy, who is to say you have to have joint therapy? Could it not be that certainly from her actions she is in more need for it

Do you feel like the trust between you has broken?

Take care of yourself, OP.

Sorry you've had this experience OP. Hope you and your partner can work through this and maybe make it clear to each other what boundaries need to be in place to make sure it never happens again. It sounds like your partner is on board to make things good again, they may benefit from therapy if it can help them understand what may trigger you and the reasoning behind it. They may not realise how your past has effected you and how you're rightfully cautious of not letting history repeat itself. You're completely valid to have reacted the way you did and I'm glad you are able to get support through this time. Hope this works out and you're okay.