When do guys realise they want kids?

[OnionOver]

Hello,
My boyfriend and I are both only 22, been together 4 years happily. I know that kids is something I see in my future, but he is unsure about whether or not he wants kids in the future. He thinks he probably will, as the majority of people do and he can't see any real reason why he wouldn't, but he doesn't know yet. I guess what I want to know is - is this quite common for a guy my age to be unsure about whether they'd want kids in the future? Or should I be concerned?

You can't possibly lump all men in together. They don't all wake up one birthday and decide to have a child.

You're both very young still. Fwiw, my DH is 38 and still doesn't (nor do I).

Men are not a homogenous bunch.

Like women, some always know they want kids. Some aren’t sure, and some don’t.

22 is still very young. I didn’t decide I wanted kids until my 30’s, after I’d travelled, found a career, bought a house, and generally felt ready to settle down and stop doing what I wanted to.

Dh has always wanted kids.

Is it uncommon for a guy at 22 to know if he wants kids? Yes I'd think so. 22 is so young. Especially for a guy.

I didn't know how to boil an egg at 22 let alone anything major like deciding when I wanted to have children.

@mineandyours thanks, this was helpful haha

On average between 38 years nine months and 40 years and seven months.

Kids are an abstract concept for men - they don't get it in the way that women do, although most learn to adapt when they do appear.

Kids are an abstract concept for men - they don't get it in the way that women do, although most learn to adapt when they do appear

How do women “get kids”, and in what way don’t men?

I don’t think it’s a male/female thing. It depends on where you are in your life, if you feel you still have stuff to do like see the world, which you can’t do with kids. It also depends on how much exposure to babies and young children you’ve had. Some of which is probably societal- people expect girls to coo of babies and help out with younger family members, the same isn’t expected of young boys.

Dh has always understood kids. He was a later baby in the family, so as a teenager he had baby nephews, nieces and cousins which he was very involved with.

Me, on the other hand, had never so much as held a baby before I was presented with my own. They were very much an “abstract concept” for me, i had no idea of the reality. I learned to adapt when they did appear though

As others said, like women, they run the whole spectrum. I live with two of them at opposite ends.

My spouse knew he wanted kids from before we met. We had long conversations on it after we moved in together in our late teens. He was the one who convinced me it was doable and desirable, he's fit his whole career and lifestyle around family life. He was 22 when we had our second.

My lodger on the other hand, nice guy in his mid-thirties, still unsure what he wants out of life, has spent the last year considering going overseas to teach English. Coupling up and having kids is still in his 'someday maybe' folder.

There were a few life topics like that which we hashed out fairly early, some less permanent ones have had to change (my career had to take a major shift due to disability and world issues), but having worked through our decision making process. I personally think I could have been equally if differently happy with or without kids, but I don't think I would have felt settled into a relationship with that still being a question mark.

Deep down most won’t ever be bothered about having them or not

@Levatrice

Deep down most won’t ever be bothered about having them or not

Maybe most, but not all.

My husband wanted to have kids, like really, really wanted them, in the kind of ‘desperate yearning’ way that is usually ascribed to women. I was more ‘great if it happens’. I wish I’d understood the difference sooner. When we were struggling with infertility it was an added gun to my head. It was like being married to Henry the Eighth and made everything much harder.

@Levatrice

Deep down most won’t ever be bothered about having them or not

How do you know this? Do you have some special insight that means you can speak on behalf of the entire male population?

Bollocks. Some men will be bothered, some won’t. Amongst my friends I have some male friends who really want kids, some females who aren’t bothered.

This is the second thread today lumping all men as a poor stereotype.

Everyone is different. My son said he wanted 3 children when he was 3 years old. He's 23 now and still feels exactly the same and he is very much looking forward to being a dad. He even ended a relationship because the young woman said she never wanted children.

I wouldn’t worry if he’s not sure; I wasn’t sure at 22 but had my first at 27 as during that time I became very sure I did want them. I’d more concerned if someone was adamant they didn’t want them at any age really as they’re then a lot less likely to change their minds.
I’ve also noticed that men often seem more keen once their friends start having kids but then I see the same pattern with getting engaged and married.

I always wanted kids, at 22 the woman I was with at the time also wanted kids, but we both wanted to do it right. I worked a way a lot, not ideal, she was training for her career, again not ideal. So it didn't happen. We broke up later for other reasons. Some bad relationships later, I meet someone right off the bat she says she wants to be married. I didn't. I say I wanted kids. She didn't. We both agreed we could handle that. Anyway 5 years later, she says she wants kids. Great I say. She then says she wants us all to have the same name. Deed poll. I say. No she says. Anyway ... at 34 I'm now married (she knows why I asked.) And have a kid. We never spoke of kids or marriage after that initial conversation.

Long winded way of saying people change. Minds change. Question you should be thinking is would you be happy if he never wanted them. If so stick. If not ...

My son is 21. He definitely wants children in the future.

22 is young but time flies I'd say if you really want kids don't like time pass you by. Don't let a guy put you off having kids on his timescale. Men can delay for probably 10 years+ compared to women. Much better to find someone who is on the same trajectory than wait and force someone. I'd say by 25, in a committed relationship is an ideal time to have kids if you don't want to risk anything. In the meantime you could be discussing housing, jobs, savings and things you want to do prior to then. Basically not just drifting aimlessly wait but actually planning. If your boyfriend won't plan then you should make your own plans and if he isn't ready when you are then you will be in position to move on. Hope that helps, I wasted most of my 20s and 30s with a man who didn't want kids and it nearly destroyed me.

Well I think like a lot of women they grow up assuming one day they will. When they choose to do that depends on a lot of things, financial, background, job, housing, partners, ambitions.

Why are you assuming it's only men that wouldn't want to have kids? I know plenty of women that don't. I didn't want kids when I was 22 either lol, I was 28 nearly 29 when I had my first.

I think you are massively jumping the gun here. You both are so young and have so much more to achieve before bringing children into the picture. It may be 4 years but half of that you were teenagers. Many people think they want kids and end up not wanting them and vice versa. You have alot of time before worrying about this.
Do you feel that because you have been together for 4 years its time to start having children?

@JillofTrades thanks for the response, I know I'm probably panicking over nothing. No I don't want kids now by any means - I'm just finishing my degree then have at least another 3/4 years of a PHD to do first. I wouldn't want children until I was 29/30. My concern is that I might be with him until I'm 29/30, and he'll still be unsure if he wants children leaving me in a tricky situation. So I was just trying to see whether its quite common to be unsure when you're our age

@Heartofglass12345 Oh no I wasn't assuming that at all - just in this case its my boyfriend, a male, who isn't sure!

When they are 27

I'm my experience, only when their friends start having them and they haven't got the same group of friends to hang out with in the same way - around 35.

They're all different. I know a few women who were ambivalent and had kids because of was important to their husbands. And some other way round. DH and I met late teend. We discussed kids in the abstart, knew we both wanted them in early twenties. Discussed things more in our early to mid twenties, both wanted them, I wanted them more. But he was the one pushing at 29 saying he wanted to start trying.

If you're in the UK OP I wouldn't be having kids pre marriage, as non married mums have no right to a share of non joint assets or income to compensate for lost earnings, lost job profession and smaller pension if they stay at home or go part time while kids are small.

DP was adament on no kids when we first met, now 5 years on we're expecting our first (and planned together). He's now 33 I'm 30.

22 is very young, i doubt me and dp would have even dated when he was that age due to his immaturity 😂

I wouldn’t worry about it now if you like everything else about him, you have loads of time and don’t sound ready for kids yourself now. I’d definitely sound him out again once you are in your mid/late twenties though. If he’s still not sure you can make your decision and maybe move on then! Agree that men can be ‘not sure’ for a very long time. It’s not a problem when you are 22 but absolutely is if you are 32.