When do guys realise they want kids?

[OnionOver]

Hello,
My boyfriend and I are both only 22, been together 4 years happily. I know that kids is something I see in my future, but he is unsure about whether or not he wants kids in the future. He thinks he probably will, as the majority of people do and he can't see any real reason why he wouldn't, but he doesn't know yet. I guess what I want to know is - is this quite common for a guy my age to be unsure about whether they'd want kids in the future? Or should I be concerned?

@Gunpowder Yeah our relationship is great, we've been through a lot in terms of loss/grief together and he's a brilliant person, so I wouldn't want to throw it away on something that may well end up fine. Helpful advice, thank you :)

DH wasn’t sure until DD was born-he was 46!
I wasn’t sure either and I was 41.....

I think generally speaking men are 5 years behind women in maturity. Either biologically or due to society forcing girls to mature earlier... anyways to answer your question.

At 22 I think it's highly unlikely any male, who is barely even an adult, would want or be thinking about children.
He may do in the future but may be worried that you'll get pregnant now if he says yes.

Your 22, ask him again in 5 years. If it's still no in 10 years, then maybe start to worry.

Live your life first

@Levatrice

Deep down most won’t ever be bothered about having them or not

Of course. That must be why the human race has died out.

Sorry it's just the way I read it I expect lol. I could go into a relationship not knowing (at your age anyway) but if you don't know either then you're probably well suited at the moment. Even if you did get to 28/29 and he still didn't want children would you regret the time you had together? If you have a good relationship and you don't want kids right away then I would stay personally.

I was with someone from the age of 19-27, he was a year younger than me. He kept saying he wanted to get married one day. That day never came. It didn't bother me for years as I loved him and he made me happy. But I didn't see him much due to work and he lived with his parents so I asked him to move it (I was living on my own) and he couldn't. I decided I needed more from him and ended things as he just wasn't in the same place as me anymore.

A few months after we broke up, we both met other people and a year later I was married with a baby! I met someone who was ready to settle down (although sometimes I wish we had waited longer to have kids) My ex been engaged to his gf for 3 years and they are still not married lol (we broke up nearly 10 years ago now)
Now you know my life story I'll go

Everyone's different, I have friends in their late 20s (male and female) who still aren't sure while DP has always known he wants at least one child.

There's no age where people suddenly figure it out.

22 is young, but I was with my DH back then and we both knew we wanted kids and would talk about our future with them. Took us 10 years to actually have one.

I think it depends on the man.

DH wanted children - it was something we’d talked about in our early 20’s, and kids were definitely something he wanted in his future.

We didn’t start TTC for quite some time after that, mainly because of job insecurity. But when we did start TTC, he was the one who started the TTC conversation.

And incidentally, my 7 yr old DS says he wants to be a daddy and have babies when he grows up. He was talking about baby names in the car the other day. No idea if he’ll be as keen when he’s 22!

@Levatrice

Deep down most won’t ever be bothered about having them or not

The source for this fact: Levatrice's arse

My DH was adament he wanted children from when we first met. He was 23. I on the other hand was not sure and we delayed our first for another 8 years. He also wanted a huge family, we compromised on two but I think if I had been willing he would have been happy with four or even more. Children were definitely a deal braker for him and we would have split up if we did not have any.

@BadLad the source for my comment A MAN HIMSELF wow can you believe that

the source for my comment A MAN HIMSELF wow can you believe that

If a MAN said it then of course I believe it

Again, why does this one man speak for his whole sex?

I wasn’t bothered about having children. Does that mean no woman is?

I was in my early 40's.

What does any of this have to do with him being male?

When does anyone realise they want kids?

@mineandyours

Is it uncommon for a guy at 22 to know if he wants kids? Yes I'd think so. 22 is so young. Especially for a guy.

I didn't know how to boil an egg at 22 let alone anything major like deciding when I wanted to have children.

I don't know where all this infantilising of grown adults has come from. Most people I knew, male or female, knew how to boil an egg and cook themselves basic meals, which is a basic adult activity...

To be honest, I think one's expectations of men are a product of the type of men you associate with and/or grew up with. There's a lot more tolerance now of men being immature and irresponsible than there ever was in previous generations. And we see the fall out of that in various ways e.g. men unwilling to commit in long term relationships, or abandoning their kids

If you hang out with men who still act as children/adolescents and that's all that is expected of them (funnily enough women aren't given this sort of leeway) then that's what you're used to and you put up with a lot more. In contrast, if most men around you actually act as adults then your experiences are different. At 22, virtually all the men I was associated with knew whether or not they wanted kids. For those who wanted them and weren't in relationshops with "the one", what they were unsure of was when they wanted them, which is very different.

For a lot of men, meeting the right woman is the prerequisite for feeling ready to have kids and after a certain age, is often a useful clue to how they actually feel about the relationship. Unfortunately the men I came across who "weren't sure" about kids tended to be the ones who were non-committal about the relationship they were in. They normally knew they wanted kids, but they just weren't sure (or secretly actively knew they didnt) want them with the particular woman they were with.

“ does that mean no woman is”

Eh? Slightly twisting no?

One just has to take a look around this website to see how many useless fathers there so clearly even if they “think” they want them they usually can’t be arsed in the end. Crack on sticking up for them all you want but it’s plain to see a lot of men couldn’t give a shit if they had kids or not

My son is 13. He was telling me since he was 6 , he will have three children when he is an adult. He even invented names for them.
I've told him that to have a family, he needs a secure financial base and a right partner. Told him to choose kindness, abilities to be a team player in his future partner above beauty. I'm pretty sure he will not wait till 40 to start a family. I personally started quite late, which I regret deeply, he is my only child. My choice of men was mainly look based with a sprinkle of brains and I regret that too. I have never been taught how to choose a right partner. I wish I had. I was , however, taught to be self sufficient and financially independent.

Not at 22 that's for sure