Does he still love his ex ?

[ShangelaLaqueefaWadley]

I have this feeling, probably irrational, that i'm living in her shadow and that while he loves me, she was his "one who got away".

Been together for 9 months, he broke up with her almost 4 years ago now but apparently messaged her 2 months before he got with me, to "see how she was".

I actually knew her, and when she found out I was dating him she totally flipped out at me and sent angry messages telling me what I should and shouldn't be doing. I apologised, i've since deleted her and she blocked me.

I tried to message her prior to this as and she would reply after 10 days, saying she was 'soo busy', yet she was able to see everything myself and my boyfriend were commenting on Facebook and sent me messages demanding to know what was going on.

By the sounds of it she was very toxic, jealous and paranoid.
He told me all this at the very start of our relationship. For a few months he would talk about her a lot. He said she was 'so charismatic and they had amazing times'.

Sometimes, he would tell me hurtful stuff she did, and other times he would tell me happy memories and almost seemed nostalgic.

I asked him once how they met and he laughed about how she was this 'crazy drunk girl' at a party.

A few months ago, I realised he had talked about her every day. I got upset and told him how I felt. He said he was really sorry and that he 'never thought of her'.

He gradually stopped. Now, he still tells stories sometimes about her but just doesn't use her name, or says 'someone', but I know it's about her.

A few months ago, he was looking somebody up on Facebook and I saw his search bar had about 10 searches for her.

Once, he told me that he had found videos of her on an old phone and felt 'melancholic' but then said it was because she had been rude to me. Then he said 'i don't want you to think I still have feelings".

He doesn't seem to have messaged her since we got together, and he offered to delete her but I told him it was his life.

She was very different to me, i'm very quiet and sensible. She's very much one of those party girls who takes drugs, but very highbrow and into philosophy and literature, which I am but not so much.

I know he's with me and loves me but I feel like she was the one. He made a comment once about 'missing shitty people but he couldn't help it.'

I've already confronted him once when he talked about her daily but he said he doesn't have feelings anymore.

He mentions other exes sometimes as do I but not always the same one and nowhere near that amount.

I just feel like i'm living in her shadow. He said we should take drugs, something I know he did with her, but I will never try them.

Am I being ridiculous ? It's been 4 years now it just seems extreme.

I suppose I am insecure. She lives some glamourous life abroad with a very good job and I live a crappy minimum wage life here with a rubbish houseshare.
I feel like he saw her as so exciting and exotic, even though we do have fun together and laugh a lot.

It sounds like he may still have feelings for her if he’s searched for her 10 times. That seems a little obsessive OP.

I’ve been in similar circumstances but the reverse, I was the ex. I split with my husband for 5 months many years ago and he reached out to me to tell me he loved me and desperately wanted to try again. Unbeknownst to me when we were seeing each other he had been casually dating someone for a few months. He too stalked me endlessly, would send me cryptic emails and flowers to my work. His then gf knew none of this and it came as quite a nasty shock which might explain why she went full on single white female on me.

If she lives abroad maybe there’s little chance of a reconciliation but my husband moved continents twice to be with me so it does happen

It's just an instinct I have that I can't shake. Even if he chooses to be with me, maybe he's just settling. Why would he want her after she cheated on him and banned him from meeting female friends ? Just dont get it.

It sounds more than an instinct you have.

I personally couldn't cope with this.
You wnat to be number one in mind, body and soul.

Find someone who doesn't have mentionitis.

What about the drug taking? Do you really want to be with someone who is in to that if you are sensible? Is he really giving you the stability that we all need from our closest relationships even without all this emotional uncertainty?

Why are you sticking around to feel second-best to this woman?

It's no way to live, thinking someone has "settled" for you - don't do yourself down by accepting such dregs. Your self-esteem sounds quite low and it's no good comparing yourself unfavourably to someone else and being with someone who makes you feel like they're always going to hanker over someone who isn't you.

Be brave and face the short term pain of dumping him and getting over it, rather than the long drawn out soul-destroying pain of feeling never good enough by sticking it out.

He said we should take drugs, something I know he did with her, but I will never try them.

Fucking hell, can you really be arsed with a relationship like this?

Nine months in should be a breeze. Instead he's looking up his ex, you're fixated on her because of that and various other actions of his. Asking you to do something out of character for you (drugs) knowing you know he used to do it with her is a dick move on his part and only exacerbates your feeling that he's still harbouring feelings for her. I assume then he takes drugs - if you don't and are anti them then doesnt that trouble you too? As I said... can you really be arsed?!

I just don't understand after 4 years, and he has had another girlfriend in between.
He scarcely uses anything, he has asked me at least 3 times now but each time I have said no I wouldn't, i'm sure he will respect the fact that I don't.

I think saying stuff in a factual manner is fine, "Oh I went on holiday there with my ex", but smiling and reminiscing about how she was a 'crazy drunk girl' etc. is just odd.

I am fixated and it's not healthy.

I think saying he was melancholic was to tell me that he was nostalgic, but then he quickly added in the 'because she was rude to you' because he realised what he had said.

She lives on another continent and has been with another guy for years now. Apparently when he messaged her at Xmas to see 'how she was', she stopped replying eventually.

I know he is with me, but still people settle with somebody when it's not really who they want.

Also want to say I do think exes can be friends, if both have moved on etc.
It's just that he sent me all these messages about how she 'made his life a misery' etc.
I didn't actually know he was talking about her at first and was shocked when he admitted it was her.
He has said stuff like how easy-going I am in comparaison to her, how I don't stop him having female friends etc.

It is ridiculous.
Why on earth would he think you want to hear him drone on about his ex?
Even if he doesn't have a thing for her, it's incredibly boring.

Does he drink and do drugs now? What kind of drugs was he referring to?

I admit I talk about mine occasionally, mainly just bad experiences, but I don't supplement it with happy memories whilst seeming nostalgic.
He often talks about stuff 'we' did, and i'm 99% sure it's about her, he just doesn't use her name anymore. For example, "We went to Rome."

It was mainly pills, he hasn't done it for a very long time apparently, and doesn't drink that much, but i've made it clear I won't be partaking.

When I confronted him a few months back he said because she had been his longest relationship (1 year) and that so that was where the 'bulk of his anecdotes' came from.

How boring for you. Most of us ponder over and often cyberstalk exes for a while out of curiosity, but he's clearly still besotted with this particular ex 4 years after the break up.

I'd leave him to it. You'll feel much better after a while. No more feeling second best to Miss Excitement.

Him wanting you to take drugs - something you're not into- is another reason to dump.

It was mainly pills, he hasn't done it for a very long time apparently, and doesn't drink that much, but i've made it clear I won't be partaking.

Yet he keeps bringing it up?

I'd be surprised if it's true that he hasn't done any for ages. Generally if it's not an important feature, it wouldn't be cropping up.

I think you have to step back and ask yourself if you're actually suited and if this actually makes you happy. Because looking from the outside, it looks like you're clinging on and difficult to know why.

I admit I do look up mine sometimes too out of curiosity, but honestly I think they are vile and they make me feel ill (cheating etc.)
He's very sweet otherwise and I think if I confronted him he would just say he doesn't have feelings for her, he's with me etc. So i'll never know.
I know she's not "better" than me in any shape or form, I just can't shake this feeling.
Apparently just after they broke up he was messaging her saying he 'didn't deserve her' even when she had been awful to him.
When me and him started to talk, he mentioned the ex a few times and I told a mutual friend who said "It wouldn't surprise me at all if he's still into her."
I just don't know what to do.

You do know what to do - you just don't want to do it.

I don't, because what if it turns out it's all in my head and i'm wrong ?

It's not all in your head.
It sounds dull. Does he like all this attention I wonder? Sounds like the triangle thing.
How can you be bothered to even entertain it?

I would end the relationship. If this is such an issue 9 months in it's not worth the hassle.

I don't get the obsession, it's been 4 years and she's had another boyfriend for 3.
She was awful to him and cheated on him. She's from a European country and he seems to love films from this said country, again that might be pure coincidence but still.
It's annoying when you're nice, honest and don't mess people about, yet they still pine for the person who treated them badly.
I know he's been suffering with depression for a while too sadly, he says he hasn't been in a good place for years and says 'i'm great and he's happy with me' but still feels down.
Wouldn't surprise me if it had been since she dumped him, though he would never admit it.

Nine months in it really shouldn't be this hard. This level of angst, for any reason, less than a year in indicative of the relationship not having legs. I agree with PP, I think you know you should probably end it but don't want to.

I know he's been suffering with depression for a while too sadly, he says he hasn't been in a good place for years and says 'i'm great and he's happy with me' but still feels down.

Oh God. Boring AND hard work.

If he has depression, what professional help is he getting? My guess - none.

He may well be happy to have you around - so he has someone to emotionally dump on.

Please value yourself more OP.

Yep I agree. Boring and dull.
It really doesn't matter why, or you trying to work out why he does it.
He must love all this attention from you about what a tortured soul he is because if a big bad ex who he still contacts!! Because he likes the attention from her too.
Which woman will save him?? Oh the angst.
Boring boring boring.
Step away from this shit drama.

He’s still in love with her, it’s like she was his first love, and she is definitely the one that got away.

You can do better

I think most people have a "one that got away", but most of us realise that it's a fantasy and that the reality of that person would be completely different. The fb search thing would worry me.
The worst thing is that he doesn't sound sensitive to your feelings. I don't mind my bf chatting about his ex, even when he's recalling good times he has with her, but your bf sounds like he takes it further than that. It's unkind of him. He should be careful of your feelings and he isn't.