I have this feeling, probably irrational, that i'm living in her shadow and that while he loves me, she was his "one who got away".
Been together for 9 months, he broke up with her almost 4 years ago now but apparently messaged her 2 months before he got with me, to "see how she was".
I actually knew her, and when she found out I was dating him she totally flipped out at me and sent angry messages telling me what I should and shouldn't be doing. I apologised, i've since deleted her and she blocked me.
I tried to message her prior to this as and she would reply after 10 days, saying she was 'soo busy', yet she was able to see everything myself and my boyfriend were commenting on Facebook and sent me messages demanding to know what was going on.
By the sounds of it she was very toxic, jealous and paranoid.
He told me all this at the very start of our relationship. For a few months he would talk about her a lot. He said she was 'so charismatic and they had amazing times'.
Sometimes, he would tell me hurtful stuff she did, and other times he would tell me happy memories and almost seemed nostalgic.
I asked him once how they met and he laughed about how she was this 'crazy drunk girl' at a party.
A few months ago, I realised he had talked about her every day. I got upset and told him how I felt. He said he was really sorry and that he 'never thought of her'.
He gradually stopped. Now, he still tells stories sometimes about her but just doesn't use her name, or says 'someone', but I know it's about her.
A few months ago, he was looking somebody up on Facebook and I saw his search bar had about 10 searches for her.
Once, he told me that he had found videos of her on an old phone and felt 'melancholic' but then said it was because she had been rude to me. Then he said 'i don't want you to think I still have feelings".
He doesn't seem to have messaged her since we got together, and he offered to delete her but I told him it was his life.
She was very different to me, i'm very quiet and sensible. She's very much one of those party girls who takes drugs, but very highbrow and into philosophy and literature, which I am but not so much.
I know he's with me and loves me but I feel like she was the one. He made a comment once about 'missing shitty people but he couldn't help it.'
I've already confronted him once when he talked about her daily but he said he doesn't have feelings anymore.
He mentions other exes sometimes as do I but not always the same one and nowhere near that amount.
I just feel like i'm living in her shadow. He said we should take drugs, something I know he did with her, but I will never try them.
Am I being ridiculous ? It's been 4 years now it just seems extreme.