Waking up in the night terrified of loneliness, please help I am struggling to cope with it

[User15394]

I’ve felt worried about this for a while and now feel I am much much older and with lockdown I’ve been forced to confront the loneliness and accept this could be my life forever.

I am trying to hold down a well paid job with a high level of responsibility and I am clutching on at the moment. I can’t deal with it.

I literally wake up at 3am in a fit of panic, sometimes I wake up and I’m already crying. I then cry for a while and then calm down and stay awake worrying about the future until it’s time to start work.

I have spoken to the gp, I’m in therapy. Doesn’t matter what I do I can’t shake this. Even typing this out I have tears because I’m thinking about it all. I just want a family and would literally give up everything to have that. Doing it alone is not something I would do and also wouldn’t deal with the lack of partner which is also a factor in this terror. I wake up with really dark images in my mind of death alone (I know people die alone regardless of family). The day then comes and I feel a bit better and get through it and then it starts all over again.

Any advice anyone as I’m exhausted and so unhappy

Sorry to hear you are feeling like this OP. Is your job causing you to be over stressed?. When you are really stressed in one area of your life, it can massively affect your sleep, and then you can begin to catastrophise and you end up in a loop with it all so your thoughts only become negative and worst case scenario and can lead to panic.

Are you taking some time off work - work related stress can be very debilitating. It's ok to ask for help.

What do you do to relax? to calm your mind? Do you have any thing you do to wind down before you go to sleep? Headspace is a good app to use to wind down before you go to sleep.

It sounds like you are having a crisis in your confidence that could be linked to work. Are there any changes at work that could be made to lighten your load? A partner and a family may are not always be positive things in people's lives. Do you have friends you could talk to? can you think of one positive thing to do for yourself each day that makes you feel happy. Journaling is a good way to get your thoughts down on paper. Gentle exercise like walking will improve your mood. Lockdown has sent a lot of peoples anxiety very high.

It's good that you are having some therapy - they should work with you to reduce your anxiety levels which should then lead to the panic periods lowering and stopping. They can then work with you for ways to manage any future anxiety.

Quit the job. It isnt working for you. Find something less stressful. If you cant afford to then downsize or move so that you can.

Secondly, remove any other factors from your life that are making you miserable.

It sounds like you would benefit from a sun lamp. And getting out for some long walks/exercise too.
Perhaps even a mild anti depressant.

You're in control of your own life. Start making active choices instead of passively hanging on to things that are making you miserable.

Once you feel happy in your life and in yourself again you can start looking to date.

I could have written this OP, especially the waking at 3am and staying up crying/worrying. I don't know what the answer is, I just wanted you to know I understand and you are not alone

Tanks for taking time to reply. It’s not the job at all, I’m finding it hard to do as I’m so exhausted all the time. I don’t find the job stressful, it’s the fact it’s starting to be impacted by this constant horrible fear I live in every night. I am overwhelmed by the loneliness.

@Poppins88 I’m so sorry. I am at the point where I’m actually scared to go to sleep as I know I will wake in tears. It feels absolutely horrendous too at that time in the morning.

I know this may sound dumb, but have you considered getting a pet cat or dog? Incredibly comforting and get the right one and you will be adored.

@User15394 Oh OP you poor thing. Have you tried 5 htp? It's a natural anti depressant - I've been taking it for the last month & I've found it's really taken the edge off. Getting good sleep & rest can be really helpful towards lifting your mood, so it may be worth thinking about ways you can get more and better sleep x

Oh OP that sounds tough. Do you think your job is part of the reason you haven’t met someone/had a family yet? Eg do you work v long hours or otherwise very committed to work that has put people off in the past?

If yes, then I would focus on ways to change that. If no, then try to focus on what you need to change in other parts of your life to get what you want. I find even getting more exercise or eating better can help when I’m stressed and not sleeping.

Oh op that sounds awful. It sounds like you are having a particularly low moment. Do you have a friend or family member to confide in and share you feelings with? Close me there is a lovely Facebook group for people who want to make friends or feel lonely, might be worth seeing if there is anything similar near you.

Do you feel like that in the day or does it always start while you sleep?

I don’t know if this will help but I know when children have repeated night terrors one of the suggestions is to set an alarm before the time it usually happens to wake them and then put them back to sleep again. I think it interrupts the sleep cycle or something. Might be worth a try.

I wonder if tweaking your evening routine might help too. Maybe do some different things in the lead up to bed (eg walk or bath) are if that makes a difference.

I really hope it improves for you.

Op how old are you? This is a common symptom of the menopause for me and some of my friends.

Do not underestimate how lockdown is affecting you. Losing the ability to meet up with friends and family for all this time is very tough when you live alone.

You are no doubt worried about being single forever. The truth is that there is a good chance you will meet someone. It’s probably not the right time now but if I were you I would accept that and for the next few months focus on you. There’s also a chance you might not have a family, but even if this is the case it doesn’t mean you will be alone and lonely forever.

Start by making a list of everything you like about yourself and everything you like doing. List every activity and every person that makes you feel good about yourself. This is your starting point - spend time doing the stuff that makes you feel good.

I think all of us think about how much happier/less lonely we’d be if we had xyz lifestyle. But honestly you could have a family and it could be stressful or difficult for a variety of reasons. These ideals aren’t always what they’re cracked up to be.

I suppose what I am saying with is, start with you, and things will change soon enough. You will be soon able to see friends again, make new friends, try dating etc. In the meantime, be kind to yourself.

How old are you OP? Could it be menopause?

Completely understand, OP. Well, I think I do. I'm a man, by the way! Single, no family, getting on a bit. I want a family, I want the "Hero Instinct" triggered in me where I'd jump out of bed at four in the morning to go get whatever needs to be gotten.

It's frustrating not fulfilling my caveman instincts and as a consequence puts a spanner in the works and causes deep frustration.

Dunno if I'm resonating with you here?

Lockdown has given many of us pause for thought without the usual social interactions. I am sorry that you are having this problem. I hope that when the lockdown eases you will be able to find new things to take up and new opportunities to meet others.

It is very hard when a worry gets stuck in your mind and will not go away - like a tune you cannot shake off.

To get you over this patch, might it be worth taking a herbal sleep remedy for a short while to see if you can break the pattern? That way you will not go to bed each night with the fear that it might happen again.

OP. I can totally relate to all that you said. That was me - and still is if I do not keep myself in check.

I now have a zero tolerance rule on certain topics of thought in the bedroom. This is one of them. I use the Calm app for focussed meditation whenever I can feel my mind wandering, including when I have woken up with worries. It took some practice of refusing to think even one word of a worry, to keep bringing my mind to focus on something else (eg the Calm app meditation voice). But it gets easier and easier.

As part of this I also put some effort into visualisation techniques - ie imaging my worries as a creature and then sending that creature out of the room and bolting the door behind it. Or imagining all the good in my life as the good wolf and all my worries as the bad one and then imagining feeding only the good wolf (like a Native American story along those lines). It sounds so daft but has contributed in good ways.

I've since seen that worries in the night can just be habit. If it's what you do regularly then it's what your mind does by default. You need to work to change the default back to rest and sleep.

Not saying it is easy. But it is worth it to put the work in to change your own default to something healthier and more restful.

Good advice Paws
Maybe try doing exercise after work and physically tire yourself out. The exercise is great in itself but being physically tired will help you sleep.
Also maybe try watching comedies about people whose lives are far from perfect. Maybe This Country or Alan Partridge or something.
Definitely stay off social media.

Oh gosh OP this is awful for you. When I was left several years ago I went through this and can totally understand how you feel. I had therapy and a low dose of propranolol which helped with the anxiety and intense thoughts. Helped me get through the worst of it. Lockdown has compounded so much in our lives and also please look at menopause which can start from the 30s upwards.

I think you have a few things going on here and you need to separate them. Lack of sleep is making you exhausted. Waking at 3am sounds physiological and possibly hormone related. It happens a lot in perimenopause. There are ways to counteract it. Magnesium supplement before bedtime or an Epsom salt bath (magnesium is also absorbed through the skin). Consider intermittent fasting and not eating 5-6 hours before going to sleep (you'll see comments on IF groups that this helped previous insomniacs to sleep through). Lavender on your pillow, a cool bedroom, no alcohol, less sugar.
Second, low mood. You may be low in vitamin D and that affects mood. Take more than the NHS guideline if you are low or deficient, as that's the minimum to prevent rickets in children. Get a blood test if you can. Get a SAD light and use it in the morning (not evening as it boosts energy). Despite your busy job, prioritise exercise, walking and hobbies.
Loneliness - reach out to friends and family and arrange to see them. Get on the MN dating thread and start going on dates. It's a numbers game. I also second the idea of a dog or cat! They will love and adore you. They'll snuggle up with you at night until you find the right man.

Anxiety is a fucker at 4am, the whole world feels like a scary place at that time, with daylight comes relief. Do you drink alcohol?

@AIMD I have spoken to friends a little bit. People don’t really get it unless they have lived through it.

@DoWahDiddy yes that’s how it feels, just the male version I suppose! I’d love to be waking up in the night for other reasons than sheer panic!

I find it interesting in a general observation way that so many people have commented maybe it’s the job or hormones etc. As far as I’m aware it’s neither. I’m just extremely lonely and at 35 going on 36 I never once thought this would be where I was at. I’m so scared for the future and so sad about it.

I have noticed in other times in my life I’ve had this thing where I wake up and then that’s it for the night. Usually when I’m in a state of panic or fear about something. This is on another level though and I am quite literally waking up in tears so must be dreaming of the panic too I guess

@DianaT1969 thanks. Ive had tests and nothing came up. I get myself into such a state that I actually freeze with panic and have all sorts of horrible images in my head. It’s different in the day time although I still feel pretty shit, it’s manageable.

Hi OP, I'm so sorry you feel this way and it's understandable that you feel worried if you feel time is running out to have a family. This situation is so common now and you're very far from alone (just look at other threads here for example). Unfortunately, the easy sex/porn using/non commitment culture we have now means more men than ever don't want to commit, or even want to deal with the selflessness required to have healthy, giving, relationships and families.

The Good news is that there are certainly men who still want that, and it's NOT too late for you, you just have to make the right decisions about who you date and be ruthless about it. Also bear in mind, as I'm sure you're aware but it's easy to forget in the midst of a panic, that even with a compatible guy, there's no guarantee of anyone having biological children (regardless of your age) due to male, female or unexplained factors. There are of course other ways e.g. going through adoption with husband, so don't feel that everything's over even if the biological clock is ticking.

In terms of practical help, you may find "Mr Good Enough" by Lori Gottlieb helpful. She's been there, done that and has some amazing advice on finding a compatible partner in the culture we now live in. All the best! :)

I know how feel. You wake up to that dark, gaping void where everything is magnified.

First, if you're not doing it already, you need to stick to a very strict bedtime routine. That means going to bed every night at exactly the same time, and I do mean that. You can deviate by 5mins but no more. Don't feel like you need to rush though to make everything ready - it needs to run like smooth clockwork so you don't feel hurried or stressed that you have to be in bed by that time.

Cut out most blue light in the last hour of hour day. No blue light next to your face like your phone light.

You might need to be referred to a neurologist because you might have a type of parainsomnia which is symptom of what else is going on in your life. Insomnia disorders can manifest from anxiety and depression. Sometimes, over time, your body can learn to cope with them and you might find yourself being able to settle back down faster.

Oh, and look into meditation. I think your serotonin batteries might be running low and they probably need to be recharged. Meditation or Yoga might help with that.