Waking up in the night terrified of loneliness, please help I am struggling to cope with it

[User15394]

I’ve felt worried about this for a while and now feel I am much much older and with lockdown I’ve been forced to confront the loneliness and accept this could be my life forever.

I am trying to hold down a well paid job with a high level of responsibility and I am clutching on at the moment. I can’t deal with it.

I literally wake up at 3am in a fit of panic, sometimes I wake up and I’m already crying. I then cry for a while and then calm down and stay awake worrying about the future until it’s time to start work.

I have spoken to the gp, I’m in therapy. Doesn’t matter what I do I can’t shake this. Even typing this out I have tears because I’m thinking about it all. I just want a family and would literally give up everything to have that. Doing it alone is not something I would do and also wouldn’t deal with the lack of partner which is also a factor in this terror. I wake up with really dark images in my mind of death alone (I know people die alone regardless of family). The day then comes and I feel a bit better and get through it and then it starts all over again.

Any advice anyone as I’m exhausted and so unhappy

If you want children have them. Don't wait for a man.

OP wow I really feel for you, that must be horrible. Agree with PP this might be a sleep disorder, so it’s worth asking the GP for a referral perhaps?

Do you have a pet? I find letting my dog sleep on my bed sometimes immensely reassuring...

44F here. I've struggled with loneliness and fear at times, but I too have severe insomnia and that's a separate issue all by itself, and it makes life and work 10x harder, just by sheer exhaustion.

For me what works is a sleep pill- I got prescription zolpidem.

My Christian faith has helped a lot in fear and loneliness, though that is a bonus and not the reason for it. I read the Psalms and other Bible books.

This sounds horrible, everything seems so much worse in the middle of the night. I'm sure you'll find someone and have a family. Try and meet up with / talk to friends as much as possible? Have you tried jogging or joining a local running club. I'm also up in the night feeling sad that me and my husband have separated :-( but you do seem to be going through a particularly tough time, it WILL get better, I'm sure of it also I've called the Samaritans before who were so helpful, they are there night and day xxx

Also being exhausted is the worst, really effects your mood / mental health. So hard when you need to go to work the next day. Take the day off sick and have a relaxing day / bath etc now and again xxx

I'm up for girl zoom nights chats if it helps! We can get you on a dating app had you can dip your toe in?

If it helps I have a hubby abs little one abs still feel very lonely at times too

You are never on your own, and happy to reach out and help xxx

I struggle with similar. Always have done.

The best way I've found of managing it is having the TV on. Something that is never going to grab my attention but nothing that is going to irritate me. Just banal, wallpaper TV (I find BBC iplayer brilliant for this). The volume has to be just right - not loud enough to keep me awake, nor so quiet that my brain will strain to hear it or that the thoughts will still occur.

It took a little while of training but now I can completely ignore the thoughts in my head.

My son listens to podcasts.

Apparently, a lot of people with intrusive thoughts (eg schizophrenia) watch TV because your brain can't process two sources of speech at a time. So you can't listen to speech and have your own thoughts. Listening to music doesnt work because music and speech are processed by different areas of your brain.

It doesn't stop the 3am waking but it does help with the panic and fear and I have been known to drop back off for an hour.

I know only too well the feeling of arriving at work already feeling exhausted. Its horrible.

I think the lack of sleep is magnifying everything. Looking back the lack of sleep has caused some really low periods in my life.

My GP really helped be this time last year. She told me to refer myself the the NHS backed online insomnia course Sleepstation. She gave me 10 days worth of sleeping tablets too to reset my pattern. Sleepstation works by compressing your sleeping into a few hours and then building the hours back up. At the same time there is the support of NHS nurses via a chat and a daily questionnaire diary about your sleep and worries.

Whilst the sleep really helped I then realised I needed anti-depressants because I've got things going on in my life where I really need a crutch to get through. So the ADs help me keep my mood up which keeps my sleep good.

I'm slipping now because of lockdown with my good sleep habits and really notice the drop in mood when I'm tired. Lockdown is also making everything else in my life a bit shit too. But things are so much better than 12 months ago.

Yes, interrupted sleep will be making this much worse OP, plus your perceived lack of time/ticking clock, so you've got to take some control.

Have a slug of Night Nurse before bed to get you back into a good sleep routine first of all. Then, when you feel less tired/desperate, formulate a plan. Make a list of what you want and the latest you feel it can happen. Have a baby - 43 for example. Then list all the things you need to do, by when, to facilitate that. Join a group? Get a sociable part-time second job? Volunteer somewhere? Organise a bi-weekly get together with friends or colleagues. Join an OLD site.

It is your mind/head that is making you feel this way because nothing is currently in your control. Reorder that and write off the rest of this year, till March say, and start in earnest then. In the meantime work on your physical & mental health so you can emerge as your best and strongest self. Eat well. Get exercise. Dress nicely. You could even create a new Insta account that nobody see that documents your metamorphosis.

You have one life OP and it's short. You have got to take back control and do your best to get what you want. Watch Tedx talks and listen to podcasts. Find motivational encouragers. Reach out to people - they will understand and want to help.

Make your future life your mission! Good luck! X

Desparate unhappiness and despair are catalysts for change op.

I have never read an account on MN where someone's soul is screaming out so loudly as yours op.

Materialism, a comfortable lifestyle, a good job is not what your soul needs.

Your soul is screaming for a physical and emotional connection with another human being.

All those posters suggesting counseling and tablets for goodness sake!

Op you are going to have to listen to what your soul is screaming at you and make it your first priority.

Here are some ideas that may help you find the person you so desperately need to connect with. And yes, you do need to do this because it is only natural for many humans to want that connection with another and we are social beings at the end of the day. Our lifestyles housing humans individually in little lonely boxes is as far removed as can be from the story of mankind living in family and tribal groups over millennia.

These ideas will be best initiated post lockdown but at least it will give you time to process an overhaul of your lifestyle that is keeping you trapped in that rut and plan your way out of your comfort zone which is slowly and painfully destroying your spirit of hope for the future.

Take up a postgraduate course in a town or city which has a large postgraduate population.

Rent out your home if you own it and move into a shared house.

Take up every single opportunity to meet men and women in different areas through joining as many groups and societies as possible.

Volunteer and reach out.

Let us know how you get on.

Did you lose a parent at an early age?

This is often a driver of this intense loneliness.

Op- I think I know how you feel. I used to feel the same in my mid-thities. I was scared of being alone for the rest of my life, I wanted a family. The worst were the nights. At 38 I met my DH and at 39.5 I had my daughter.

I have a friend who found her bf when she was 36, then at 37 she had her son and a second son at 39.

You are still young!

I know the lockdown has not helped anyone but it won't last forever, once it's all finished then you can start socialising again. Also, like someone said if you want children have them on your own. It will be hard, but that's what I would have done if I didn't meet anyone by 40.

Join a running group? When I was struggling with depression at the beginning of the year I joined a running group that met up 3 times a week. Lockdown and injury put a stop to it but it really helped for a lot of reasons. It helped with sleep as I was tired and it helps with mood anyway. Got me out the house when it was miserable outside. It's also very sociable. It's started up again soon.

A friend met her husband at a running group when she was 38.

I'd like to add that when I was giving birth to my dd at 39, I was one of the younger mums. A lot of the new mums were in their 40ies. If someone told me that when I was in my early to mid-thirties, I'd have been happier and more positive, rather than driving myself crazy with worry.

I’m really sorry you feel like this op. I don’t know if this is an annoying reply. I used to feel exactly the same, for years. Waking up in the middle of the night counting my ever-dwindling numbers of single friends, my heart racing thinking I would end up single.

I ended up meeting my DH and having children. He’s great but I am no happier really. Previous panics have been replaced my new ones.

I just think it’s easy for the fear of being single to be fixated on as that’s the biggest gap in your life. But know from experience that that probably won’t make you happy.

I don’t know if that makes you feel better. Apologies if not.

I actually would advise getting some medication from the doctor to break this horrendous cycle, you must feel half-dead every day, no wonder you are finding work exhausting. I work part time and have to take sleeping tablets the night before work as it's such a long public-facing day, I cannot cope with it if I haven't slept, and middle of the night wakefulness was my problem. Even a couple of unbroken nights a week would make a huge difference to your mood.
Start running if you haven't got any medical problems to stop you. I followed a program called Run Away from Fat many years ago which started with 5 mins and worked up to 40 and within 2 years I had done a Marathon (I wasn't actually fat at any point) It's out of print but I re-ordered 2nd hand a few years later and followed it again. It will lift your mood and make you feel powerful and fit. I was extremely anxious about not having children at that point in my life (early 30s) and it was a very good distraction.
Obviously the usual cast your net as wide as possible to find a partner, no shame in telling everyone you are looking and see if they know anyone.
Try and have some fun when you are looking, think if this person isn't the one, at least I can have a nice meal out or, if this other one isn't, at least I can have a lovely walk. Good luck XX

@Ohdear2020 has a great point. I have witnessed this first hand with a very good friend. identical situation. Anxiety through the roof as she was single late 30s desperate for marriage and children. It was gut wrenching g to watch, all she could talk about was babies. She met someone and had a cold within a year. Her anxiety is now focused on the stressors of raising a child and an awful ex wife of her partners. Her anxiety now is worse than before. I think you may need to explore why you are feeling so very bad. It may not be just being alone right now, but know this has been the trigger. Something in your past maybe amplifying this phase. You will get through this I promise.

• and had a child meant to say not cold!