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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

No hugs since march

28 replies

Medusa78 · 27/11/2020 19:38

Hi , I need to know if I'm selfish. My partner and I live apart. He has heart problems . He decided to spent lockdown away from me and my 2 kids. It's now been 8 months . He won't hug or come near us . I am coping with my deaf autistic son , I also home school my youngest. I feel so lonely . I'm starting to resent him. He dissent even try to keep the relationship alive. I'm just feeling at a complete loss right now , I cry most nights . Any advice is appreciated .

OP posts:
Original poster
Medusa78 · 27/11/2020 19:39

Sorry about the bad spelling 🙄

OP posts:
iloveruby · 27/11/2020 22:48

I'm sorry that you're going through a difficult time. Your partner sounds selfish and inconsiderate at best - you are crying every night, clearly he is making you unhappy.
The best thing you could do for yourself and your children is break up with him, he is bringing nothing positive to your life so what do you have to lose?!

category12 · 27/11/2020 23:16

Perhaps you would be better off ending it if you feel he is not trying to maintain your relationship in any way.

It's a valid choice for him to protect his health by isolating, but you might expect to compensate for that with lots of contact and attention. If he seems to have completely disengaged, then you're not being selfish.

user1481840227 · 28/11/2020 05:16

@category12

Perhaps you would be better off ending it if you feel he is not trying to maintain your relationship in any way.

It's a valid choice for him to protect his health by isolating, but you might expect to compensate for that with lots of contact and attention. If he seems to have completely disengaged, then you're not being selfish.

I'm assuming he's not the kids dad?

I would finish with him. What's the point in continuing? It doesn't sound like a relationship.

user1481840227 · 28/11/2020 05:17

Sorry I didn't mean to quote your post @category12

Otter71 · 28/11/2020 07:40

I also have a non resident partner with health issues who has been put on the shielding list. I have heart problems too but work front line and have had to learn to accept the official line that we are all safe as long as we comply with whatever the current safety guidance is. I know my partner is very scared and contact has been limited by that. Have you tried to talk to yours about why he is so scared or whether he is just withdrawing from the relationship? Most heart problems would only be high risk not extremely clinically vulnerable so it does seem like if this is fear, he is may be overreacting. Obviously if it is withdrawing for other reasons then you need to know and start moving on.
I am Asperger's as is my partner so I guess there may be some parallels. Personally I think you need to tell him that it feels to you understand his fears from the start but the world has moved on very rapidly and now you need to at least make a plan for how this relationship can either continue or not. Yes it will probably be an argument but at least it will clear the air.

Original poster
Medusa78 · 28/11/2020 08:06

I've mentioned it repeatedly over months now , because it's broken my heart. He gets annoyed and refuses to discuss it calmly. He says his doctor has said he can't be with us as he is high risk. He then says I'm causing him to be more unwell with my selfishness. He is not the father to my kids , and we only live apart because he drags his heels , and constantly makes excuses not to move in. He told me he would live with me if I sort out the stress in the house , but I feel it's only really like it because I'm unsupported. He insists I'm his world but I don't feel like it . He stopped all sexual talk ECT he now says he can't talk sexual because it will make him want me and he can't so will be frustrated. I feel abandoned. I've been having panic attacks , palpatations and am an emotional wreck. Never felt so alone . He makes me feel like a whiney selfish child .Thank you all for taking the time to reply.

OP posts:
category12 · 28/11/2020 08:16

I think you really face the fact he doesn't want to move in or have the kind of relationship you want.

You're aware he's making excuses and is setting a near-impossible target for you of a stressfree home (in his opinion) - yet you're still hanging on for him. Why is that?

You're wasting your time with him if you want a live-together relationship.

category12 · 28/11/2020 08:19

Plus, don't listen to his pacifying words if they're not accompanied by actions that make you feel loved and supported.

I'm sorry you're feeling so unhappy. Flowers

marchez · 28/11/2020 08:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FourPlatinumRings · 28/11/2020 08:28

Actions speak louder than words, OP. Sounds like he's not that into you. Dump him and move on.

Original poster
Medusa78 · 28/11/2020 21:55

Tried to talk about my feelings this evening on the phone. Again he didn't understand .He just keeps saying he's doing what the doctor has told him to do and that I make it worse. I reminded him how he once said he'd take a bullet for me , somehow doubting that now. He seems to have no real empathy for how broken I feel . He is somone who I fell in love with deeper than I knew I ever could , that's why it tears me apart Sad

OP posts:
RoseAndRose · 28/11/2020 22:14

Isolation causes all sorts of MH difficulties, and I'm really sorry that you are both in such awful circumstances. He 's broken too.

Understandingnotignorance · 28/11/2020 22:21

He is clinically vulnerable and high risk so is protecting himself. I don't understand the posters calling him selfish and inconsiderate. I feel for you op but this is a situation where you are both in a difficult position. If there's other factors at play such as you generally feeling neglected or communication then fair enough but to call it a day because he is keeping his distance to protect his LIFE then that's unfair.

category12 · 28/11/2020 22:23

@RoseAndRose

Isolation causes all sorts of MH difficulties, and I'm really sorry that you are both in such awful circumstances. He 's broken too.
I don't think you can say that "he's broken too" on the evidence here.
RoseAndRose · 28/11/2020 22:31

Perhaps not.

But don't rule it out as a possibioitymeityer.

He has been isolating for months - look at all the threads about his very very tough people are finding this (fearing for MH impact even when it's only 14 days needed)

It's not up to OP to cure him. But it might also be wrong to assume he's just being selfish

Original poster
Medusa78 · 28/11/2020 22:49

He been decorating his flat , very room . He's been weight lifting and working out. He's in a good mood unless I start causing issues . He only likes to talk about his day or his friends and hijacks any conversation I might start and makes it about him . He has 2 kids who live miles away with his ex who don't want to see him because of his temper . He's not broken like me .

OP posts:
Otter71 · 28/11/2020 22:54

Based on what has been said he is not extremely clinically vulnerable unless heart problems means had a heart transplant, so unless there are a lot of other risks that OP has not mentioned, he is massively overreacting. I have heart problems but still work on the front line of healthcare...
His doctor has NOT told him specifically to stay away from you and probably hasn't told him to isolate at this stage at all (though obviously people hear what they want to hear). Doctors have been given guidance not to do that - even if you are on the clinically extremely vulnerable list you are allowed a support bubble because they have recognised that there has been a huge increase in mental health related death. Dying of covid, a new untreated condition, or suicide all have the same basic end result.
Yes some people die of Covid. Most do not - the figure is about 1-2% of those that get it and even in the high risk groups, a lot of people have next to no symptoms (I saw many people who tested positive on routine hospital admission checks when they had gone in for something unrelated and were asymptomatic amongst the frailest in our community). Everyone has to die sometime and the excess deaths that are not covid related are currently exceeding covid related ones - those relating to people not having got treatment for cancer or new cardiac or breathing problems in the first lockdown or since.

So keeping yourself locked up is mostly going to make life feel a lot longer not actually make it any longer. If he said he will take a bullet for you, remind him of that and make him choose you or the isolation. If he chooses isolation, you have your answer - ie that he doesn't love you enough to die for you so he doesn't love you enough to deserve you. The risk of one extra person in his life or even three making that much difference is miniscule. You may however find that saying you will walk may actually make him rethink whether he actually gives a stuff or not... Either way you will have a reason to move forward in the right direction.

Lora88 · 28/11/2020 23:29

I’m so sorry you’re going through this one of my sons is autistic and I know how hard it is but you deserve so much better , end it , he’s selfish and believe me if he cared enough he’d move in! Join a dating website for some company you do not need this man xx

Understandingnotignorance · 29/11/2020 00:21

That is the way you think @otter71. That doesn't mean everyone does or should think that way. I personally find it very flippant to say everyone has to die sometime and he doesn't love you enough to die for you. So if someone doesn't want to risk their health and chooses to distance due to risk to themselves in the midst of a pandemic then he doesn't deserve the other person... Seriously?!

JessieR2386 · 29/11/2020 01:33

I don't think the isolating for health reasons is the problem though, It sounds like he is seperating from you sexually and emotionally as well, not making any kind of effort to meet any of your needs and he's leaving you feeling guilty and confused about where you stand. I'm sorry but I think you would (eventually) by in much better place out of this relationship.

DeeCeeCherry · 29/11/2020 03:05

He is not the father to my kids and we only live apart because he drags his heels , and constantly makes excuses not to move in

Sorry you're upset, but this is a classic case of choosing not to listen, and closing your eyes to reality. He doesn't want to be with you, not in the way that you want him to be. He doesn't want family life with you. Pick your pride up off the floor, grieve the loss of relationship and practice self-care when you can. If you have supportive friends and family, reach out to them. Concentrate on you and your children.

Someone else will come along one day when life is in a better place, but not whilst you're craving someone who's already shown you the score but you won't heed it.

SillyOldMummy · 29/11/2020 03:14

You need to break up. He has left you, effectively OP. The heartbreak will be worse if you waste lots more months pining for him .

RantyAnty · 29/11/2020 03:24

What are his heart problems?

katy1213 · 29/11/2020 03:53

He doesn't want to live with you or share family life, he's got a nasty temper, and if not an out-and-out hypochondriac, he's neurotic about his health to the exclusion of all else - why would you even want to be with this man?