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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Moody husband

31 replies

Lasuecaluza · 27/11/2020 17:39

Hi! I need some advice on what to do about my crappy relationship..I’ve been with my partner for 12 years and we have 3 kids. Our relationship is loveless and unhappy. He is very moody and I suspect depression but he says he’s not. He won’t get help either as he doesn’t think he has a problem. We argue quite a bit and he does call me bad names when that happens. Not in front of the kids though although last time he screamed that he was going to leave as he couldn’t take it anymore..in front of our kids and our middle child just broke down in tears. He is not very social and he doesn’t have any friends, just the husbands of my friends but I’m not sure they like him very much either. He often snaps at me, if I don’t hear what he says he gets really annoyed when he has to repeat himself, he often rolls his eyes if I misunderstand him and then explains it to me in a condescending way. He also does a lot of mansplaining which is annoying. He has a short fuse and flies of the handle for the smallest thing and starts to yell at me or the kids. He is quite controlling and wants to know everything plus he’s very critical of me. If I clean the house he will point out what I missed, if I make dinner he will say what he doesn’t like etc..in short I’m never good enough. I have talked to him about it but it doesn’t help. Recently he has starting to wear his hair long and wears this chain around his neck that I hate, it’s not a big deal but it certainly is not helping. I told him I wasn’t a fan mostly because he really thinks I should go on a diet and I am slightly overweight but just can’t be motivated to lose weight since he won’t do anything to change for me. He is a good dad though and the kids love him. I think we are very different though as well, he is super tidy while I’m not, he has a very nervous energy while I am calm and we disagree on parenting too. He spoils the kids as he didn’t have much growing up. Anyway I work so in theory I could leave but I know it would crush my middle child. She couldn’t take it, the other 2 I think would be sad but ok. He would never move out and probably wouldn’t give me a dime, I know he would do everything to get full custody of the kids although we are not married so I’m not sure how it works with that. All in all I’m worried I would lose the kids and ruin their mental health if I leave. I feel selfish for even thinking about leaving as I don’t want to upset the kids...but I’m already in my late 40’s and I would like to be happy. Any thoughts or advice would be much appreciated. Thanks

OP posts:
frozendaisy · 27/11/2020 18:38

Good dads don't get cross at the kids or their mother.

Spoiling children materially is not always the best option.

But about you, forget about him, your post seems to be about what makes him happy.

Go and do some exercise, it will help your body and soul.

At best he would get 50/50 with kids.

Wake up tomorrow, do chores to your standard not his. Go for a power walk.

Be enough for you and the kids see if he can keep up. Take it from there.

Lollee · 27/11/2020 18:48

Just give him an ultimatum: stop carping and being moody or leave. You obviously don't love me or want to be with us so just go!

People always tell from their own side and I would hate living with an untidy person. You don't love each other and your mid child will not thank you for being brought up in a miserable home. Beats me why you had 3 kids with him.

honeylulu · 27/11/2020 18:54

You need to end the relationship. Do you jointly own the house?

Original poster
Lasuecaluza · 27/11/2020 19:08

No we are renting..it’s not important to me where I live I just worry about the kids.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lasuecaluza · 27/11/2020 19:10

Ok well I thought he would change I guess. I loved him, people makes mistakes

OP posts:
Original poster
Lasuecaluza · 27/11/2020 21:12

Thank you 😊

OP posts:
beavisandbutthead · 27/11/2020 21:18

I am not sure what your asking? I cant imagine your happy with this man as he sounds totally draining in his miserable state. The last time he screamed he was leaving your middle DC got upset. He is highly critical and sounds like you all tip toe round him. Please do not say he is a good dad and is loved. it sounds like his mood dictates the tone of the house and you all tip toe. Your poor DC will think this is normal and if there girls will seek men who are similar as your DH is there normal. All round sad.....and what about you? Are you happy with this man

Fishfingersandwichplease · 27/11/2020 21:34

I think if you left you would soon wonder why on earth you put up with his shit for so long OP. Your middle child would get used to it and much better for the kids to have a happy mum xx

Original poster
Lasuecaluza · 28/11/2020 07:05

No I can’t say I’m happy anymore..I guess I just wanted someone else’s opinion on him to know that it’s not just me who thinks he is out of order. You are absolutely right about the fact that we tip toe around him..at least I do it’s exhausting

OP posts:
Original poster
Lasuecaluza · 28/11/2020 07:08

I hope so I just don’t know how to leave him, it will be a nightmare. It would be better if he left me like that he can feel in control (he is a control freak) and won’t get hysterical. I’m not sure I will be able to handle the fall out

OP posts:
MaMaD1990 · 28/11/2020 07:34

I guess you are already in the mind set of you want to go but feel you can't because of the 'fall out?

You need to decide if staying with him is better than a short stretch of complete upheaval and upset. In my mind I would gather up as much strength as possible and hit the road. Your middle child will be upset (just like your other 2) but she will be fine. If he's screaming about leaving and upsetting her it doesn't sound an ideal home life anyway.

I really hope you find happiness.

Badwill · 28/11/2020 07:38

If he's screaming and threatening to leave in front of your middle child and making them upset I don't know how you can consider him a good dad? That's an awful thing to do to a child. I bet you'd be surprised how your child copes. After an adjustment period s/he might be much more settled without their moody crank of a father to tip toe around. Either way it's not enough of a reason to stay because it seems like an utterly miserable way to live for you. Get out while you're still young enough to have a good life!

OMGISeeTheWayYouShine · 28/11/2020 07:59

Good dads don't treat their children's mother with disrespect in front of the kids. He isn't a good dad. He sounds a lot like my ex. I'm so glad he's an ex!

Original poster
Lasuecaluza · 29/11/2020 11:31

Thanks for all your help and suggestions! I am going to focus on getting through Christmas and then see what happens. Hope you all enjoy yr holidays 😘

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/11/2020 11:38

What is the point of doing that?. You are all already walking on eggshells around this man. So no, do not do this (i.e focus on getting through Christmas) because it will just give him more opportunity to be further abusive towards you and in turn your children. Staying also for the sake of the middle child in particular will do that young person no favours in the long run either.

Would suggest you seek legal advice before Christmas too; after all knowledge is power. Generally speaking too solicitors busiest time of the year is January and that is because people like you hang on to get through the festive season.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/11/2020 11:42

Such men do not change, do not waste any more of your life on him waiting for some epiphany that won't happen. He does this to you because he can and it works for him.

Women in poor relationships as well often write the good dad comment when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man. You really think this man is a good dad, no he is not because he is treating you as the mother of his children abusively.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Come to think of it, what did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did your dad treat your mum similarly?.

Would you want your children to have a relationship like this is, no you would not. Its not good enough for you either.

How can you be helped into freeing yourself from your abuser?. Would you consider now contacting Womens Aid?. You can go to Boots and do that via one of the consulting rooms. There is always a way out.

Original poster
Lasuecaluza · 29/11/2020 11:57

Well I just want the kids to have a nice Christmas...like you say there are no guarantees for that but I’ll do my best. Good idea though to seek legal advice before Christmas though. I’ll get on that. It’s a shame we can’t separate as friends..he doesn’t love me anyway so shouldn’t care but for him not to see the kids every day is why he is staying..I did ask him if he still loved me a while back and he said he didn’t know..that’s pretty much a no IMO. I know he can be abusive (he doesn’t hit he more says bad things) but he is not abusive unless he is angry so it’s just a matter of not arguing over Christmas and it should be alright.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lasuecaluza · 29/11/2020 12:00

Oh and I can’t go to women’s aid I don’t live in England. We moved abroad a few years ago. I don’t think I need women’s aid anyway..just a really good solicitor. He is going to use anything he can against me so that I can’t see the kids which would break me and them. We are not married so not sure of my rights

OP posts:
Original poster
Lasuecaluza · 29/11/2020 12:01

My parents had a great relationship and still do so I don’t know how this happened to me. I saw the signs from the start but ignored them ..I regret it now

OP posts:
TwentyViginti · 29/11/2020 12:02

but he is not abusive unless he is angry so it’s just a matter of not arguing over Christmas and it should be alright.

So you and the DC are going to pander to, and walk on eggshells round, an abusive man over Xmas.

Not a great life lesson for your DC.

Original poster
Lasuecaluza · 29/11/2020 12:14

Well I see your point but it’s mostly me doing the tip toeing not the kids and tbh I don’t think they even notice as it’s all they have ever known

OP posts:
electronVolt · 29/11/2020 12:21

@TwentyViginti

but he is not abusive unless he is angry so it’s just a matter of not arguing over Christmas and it should be alright.

So you and the DC are going to pander to, and walk on eggshells round, an abusive man over Xmas.

Not a great life lesson for your DC.

I came to say just that.

It’s like saying a dangerous dog is only dangerous when it actually has its jaws clamped round your face. He’s just a big ole softie the rest of the time Hmm

Nanny0gg · 29/11/2020 12:53

@Lasuecaluza

No I can’t say I’m happy anymore..I guess I just wanted someone else’s opinion on him to know that it’s not just me who thinks he is out of order. You are absolutely right about the fact that we tip toe around him..at least I do it’s exhausting
He absolutely isn't a good dad.
AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/11/2020 13:23

Indeed this is not a great life lesson for your DC. This is not the role model of a relationship they should be learning from. The relationship is over because of the abuse he metes out towards you and in turn your children. No time, let alone Christmas, is good in your house because there is always an undercurrent of abuse present. Christmas too is merely a further opportunity for him to kick off at you all.

Longer term you indeed need to figure out exactly how and why this happened to you. Poor boundaries and innate low self esteem and worth may have been a part of this and he certainly targeted you.

You need to seek legal advice before Christmas. Do not delay.

What continent are you in: Europe, Asia, South America, the Middle East?. What are women's rights like in this country you are now in?. You need to know urgently. Being unmarried and abroad too can and does put many women in a precarious position legally, many legal systems overseas favour men considerably.

You will further ruin your own mental health if you stay. The effects of all this on your children is incalculable; they are being emotionally harmed by their dad here too.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/11/2020 13:26

He was never your friend either so you are certainly not going to be able to ever separate as such. He will likely make this whole process as long and protracted as possible as your "punishment" for leaving him along with further using the kids against you here as pawns in his power games.

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