Moody husband

[Lasuecaluza]

Hi! I need some advice on what to do about my crappy relationship..I’ve been with my partner for 12 years and we have 3 kids. Our relationship is loveless and unhappy. He is very moody and I suspect depression but he says he’s not. He won’t get help either as he doesn’t think he has a problem. We argue quite a bit and he does call me bad names when that happens. Not in front of the kids though although last time he screamed that he was going to leave as he couldn’t take it anymore..in front of our kids and our middle child just broke down in tears. He is not very social and he doesn’t have any friends, just the husbands of my friends but I’m not sure they like him very much either. He often snaps at me, if I don’t hear what he says he gets really annoyed when he has to repeat himself, he often rolls his eyes if I misunderstand him and then explains it to me in a condescending way. He also does a lot of mansplaining which is annoying. He has a short fuse and flies of the handle for the smallest thing and starts to yell at me or the kids. He is quite controlling and wants to know everything plus he’s very critical of me. If I clean the house he will point out what I missed, if I make dinner he will say what he doesn’t like etc..in short I’m never good enough. I have talked to him about it but it doesn’t help. Recently he has starting to wear his hair long and wears this chain around his neck that I hate, it’s not a big deal but it certainly is not helping. I told him I wasn’t a fan mostly because he really thinks I should go on a diet and I am slightly overweight but just can’t be motivated to lose weight since he won’t do anything to change for me. He is a good dad though and the kids love him. I think we are very different though as well, he is super tidy while I’m not, he has a very nervous energy while I am calm and we disagree on parenting too. He spoils the kids as he didn’t have much growing up. Anyway I work so in theory I could leave but I know it would crush my middle child. She couldn’t take it, the other 2 I think would be sad but ok. He would never move out and probably wouldn’t give me a dime, I know he would do everything to get full custody of the kids although we are not married so I’m not sure how it works with that. All in all I’m worried I would lose the kids and ruin their mental health if I leave. I feel selfish for even thinking about leaving as I don’t want to upset the kids...but I’m already in my late 40’s and I would like to be happy. Any thoughts or advice would be much appreciated. Thanks

Honestly, don't kid yourself that children don't absorb the dynamics and that you are walking on eggshells.

That ends one of three ways for them. They learn to tread on eggshells and appease dickheads in their own relationships, or they become angry and lose respect for you, or they become a miserable twat who treats their partners like your partner treats you. Or some combination of the above.

Well I see your point but it’s mostly me doing the tip toeing not the kids and tbh I don’t think they even notice as it’s all they have ever known

They see and pick up on all the vibes here both spoken and unspoken. They do notice, your middle child in particular has seen her father shout at you with the result of she being upset. Would you want her in particular as an adult to be a man scarily similar to her own abuser of a father?. No you would not.

Its about time too they learnt better lessons about relationships. You have a choice re this man, they do not.

it’s mostly me doing the tip toeing not the kids and tbh I don’t think they even notice as it’s all they have ever known

This made me really sad. My parents had a crap relationship. It was all I'd ever known, when I left home. At that time, my fantasies of 'my ideal relationship' consisted of imagining massive fall outs with somebody who loved me enough that they'd stay with me, regardless of how disrespectful we'd been during the argument.

Don't do this to your children. You are setting them an example of an adult relationship that they will emulate as adults. Demonstrate to them that leaving a poor relationship, even if it's painful, is better than putting up with a partner that makes you unhappy. I wish my Mum had done this, although I would have been gutted at the time, because their shouting/walking on eggshells was 'all I knew'.

Hi! I was out in the park. We are in Spain. I would prefer not to get solicitors involved and be able to separate amicably but I don’t think that’s going to happen..he is not posible to reason with unfortunately. I’ll have to look into what’s what here..this is going to be very difficult..I have no money saved so I don’t know how I’m going to move out and do I take the kids with me. I don’t know how to do this..it just occurred to me that I probably need to save money to put down a deposit on a new place and get furniture. I live pay check to pay check and I have by no means a good salary. When I move out I could get a second job when the kids are with their dad but it’s not really an option right now. I never really thought of him as abusive before and I know it sounds silly to say it’s only when he’s angry and of course that does not make it ok I only meant I can make it work over Christmas. I think it’s in my best interest too as he will then not be able to blame me for ruining Christmas too on top of everything else

He is a good dad though

Nope, no he really isn't.

@Lasuecaluza

Well I see your point but it’s mostly me doing the tip toeing not the kids and tbh I don’t think they even notice as it’s all they have ever known

I hope you can see how sad this is. I don’t even know what to say...