How do I have an argument without shouting and name camking

[Doseydots]

Hubbie and I don’t argue often but today we’ve had a right go. I can’t help myself, I shout and end up calling him names. This morning I called him a d!ck. he later asked me not to name call in front of the kids which I suppose is fair enough but then we started again which ended up me shouting what a kn0bhead he is. I can’t help myself, I get to the point where I am so cross it just blurts out.

Are there any tactics on how I can stop this?

Don't shout or call him names. That's how you don't do it.

How would you feel if he called you a twat or a dickhead ?

Anger management counselling?

Abusive people rarely rehabilitate without outside help. Speak to your GP about your anger issues, find a therapist, and think hard about removing yourself from your family until you've got your abusive behaviour under control.

We have been together for so long and this has happened say 3 or 4 times. I am normally calm, don’t we all get cross at times?

3 or 4 times in all the time you are together?

I’ve never absolutely lost my temper to the point where I can’t control what I say/ do. I’ve cried when I haven’t wanted to but I can’t imagine being unable to stop myself saying things.

I really think you need to get some outside help with it if it is truly uncontrollable.

It’s happened twice just today but it’s only happened 3/4 times in all the time you’ve been together?

You say you can't help it but you can.

'It' doesn't just blurt out, you blurt it out.

That's the first thing you need to acknowledge in order to stop doing it.

You wouldn't call your boss or a toddler you didn't know names no matter how much they were annoying you, so you can help it.

Have you proactively done anything to combat this yet?

@OverThinkingUnderDoing

It’s happened twice just today but it’s only happened 3/4 times in all the time you’ve been together?

This. People always under report and minimise their own bad behaviour which makes it hard to help them.

Yeah we’ve been together over 20 years and hardly ever fall out. I can count on one hand how many times I’ve called him names. The argument today lasted about 5 minutes with stomping off and cursing him.

If you've only ever done it 3 or 4 times in 20 years of marriage then how is it hard to simply not do it? Just don't. It's shitty and especially in front of your kids. Think before you speak?

Really shitty in front of your kids, how old are they? Might be worth reiterating to them that you know you shouldn't speak to people like that and name call, if they are old enough you can explain it in an appropriate way.

Yeah it was shitty and I feel really bad about it. I will speak to the kids. And yes I should be able not to name call.

Get anger management ASAP. You're poisoning the atmosphere for not only your husband but your children. So unfair and unsettling for them to be witnessing you abuse their other parent, and will impact on their own relationships growing up as they will see receiving or dishing out verbal abuse, and a toxic home atmosphere, as normal.

What are you arguing about?

Have a look at something called non violent communication

Sometimes these things can be a habit, something learned or experienced in the past, etc...it is basically about pausing and saying stuff like I feel ...when you ... which means the other person gets less defensive rather than you both just calling each other names etc

I find doing this, after a while he starts doing the same and it does improve.

www.clearerthinking.org/post/2019/03/06/want-to-improve-your-relationships-try-nonviolent-communication-1

I can’t help myself

Yes you can, you just don't bother to control yourself. You don't call people out in public, your boss, or your friends dicks or knobheads, do you?

Fabulous example you're setting for your children, btw.

I understand how anger can overwhelm good reason in an argument. 3-4 times in 20 years is actually really good so don’t be too hard on yourself. We are all works in progress. But moving forward, since you know this about yourself, you do need to have some way to walk away from an argument before you name call, curse, etc especially in front of the children. We allow the other to just say “I’m walking away now, I can’t talk about this right now, let’s finish later” and then go off and calm down. We don’t pursue the other and try and hash things out right then. Sometimes you need to take a break from a disagreement and then go back to discussing it later with cooler heads.

I guess it is what gets you to that point. I think that in 20 years if that's all I wouldn't be beating yourself up about it. It must come from sheer frustration, I can't imagine other people haven't got to that stage and not lost it too. You're only human!! Not ideal infront of the kids but not a criminal offence either!! What button does he press that gets you to that point? I know people are saying you are choosing to say it and that is true to an extent but emotions run high in an argument and you stop thinking rationally. My ex used to drive me to distraction and it was only when I realised I was being goaded and I had no investment in his words that I could let it go over me and I would just not react.

Of course we don't say knobhead to compete strangers, we are not invested in a relationship with them!! Ignore these judgemental comments they are not exactly helping you get to a better place.

You need to learn to walk away when your arguments get to that stage or at least breathe, count to 10 before you say anything. You might also want to look at therapy, there may be an underlying reason for your behavior.

Try the STOPP technique;

www.anjclearview.co.uk/stopp

Thank you for your helpful hints - it’s all I am asking for. We were arguing because he’s working nights and i was leaving lights on and making a racket when he was trying to sleep. I can’t remember the last time we argued. I think lockdown and night shifts testing us.

@Doseydots

Thank you for your helpful hints - it’s all I am asking for. We were arguing because he’s working nights and i was leaving lights on and making a racket when he was trying to sleep. I can’t remember the last time we argued. I think lockdown and night shifts testing us.

So he was rightfully pissed off by you being thoughtless, and yet you ended up shouting at him?

What was your upbringing like OP? Did you come from a "shouty" house? Did either parent dismiss your feelings when you were angry/upset? I think these patterns of emotional (dis)regulation are set quite early on for lot of people.

I've been working on it myself since my DC were born as it brought it all bubbling to the surface. Much to my horror when I was angry I was basically turning into my vile father who I'm NC with.

You can change these patterns but it takes a LOT of work and I still slip up on occasion. My starting point was parenting websites that teach respectful/gentle parenting and then I discovered the "holistic psychologist" on Instagram and sort of expanded my knowledge on the subject from there.

Good luck