Longest time in a relationship without sex?

[RosyPickle]

Really struggling with the lack of sex in what is a relatively 'young' relationship (less than 3 years). My partner has been through a really tough time and is quite run down so I understand why it is, plus the last couple of times we tried he got ED.

I need to try and get a real sense of whether this is normal or salvageable and while i know comparisons are not much help, can I please ask you to tell me the longest you've gone without and what the outcome was?

Thank you.

Does it even matter? For some people, normal is twice a day, for others it's once a month or less than that. If we said 'It's normal to have sex once every three months, would that make you feel better. Would that mean your needs were suddenly not as important?

Why is he run down? No one wants to be run down or tired all the time. Maybe focus on that first if you can.

I don’t know a single couple who lost it and managed to get it back.

I would think that if it goes on for weeks at a time, then something is off. Having said that, if someone is going through a tough time like bereavement or redundancy etc then they will be in a bad place and not in the mood.

Does it even matter? For some people, normal is twice a day, for others it's once a month or less than that. If we said 'It's normal to have sex once every three months, would that make you feel better. Would that mean your needs were suddenly not as important?

It matters because I need to get some perspective. Relationships have a certain universality whilst also obviously being individual, hence my asking. I thought that was pretty obvious.

He's run down because he's had a stressful time in various ways recently. We're addressing that as best we can, he's resting more, he's had a blood test which was normal other than slightly raised cholesterol, he has a doctor's appointment next week to discuss it.

Notwithstanding stress etc, it's been months. Obviously I'm not happy about it or I wouldn't be posting, I just wondered if many other people have been through something similar and if there's much chance we'll actually get our sex life back.

Does it even matter? For some people, normal is twice a day, for others it's once a month or less than that. If we said 'It's normal to have sex once every three months, would that make you feel better. Would that mean your needs were suddenly not as important?

It matters because I need to get some perspective. Relationships have a certain universality whilst also obviously being individual, hence my asking. I thought that was pretty obvious.

He's run down because he's had a stressful time in various ways recently. We're addressing that as best we can, he's resting more, he's had a blood test which was normal other than slightly raised cholesterol, he has a doctor's appointment next week to discuss it.

Notwithstanding stress etc, it's been months. Obviously I'm not happy about it or I wouldn't be posting, I just wondered if many other people have been through something similar and if there's much chance we'll actually get our sex life back.

Dh and I have been together 8 years, we go through patches of no sex, neither of us have any desire I think the longest is almost 6 months. The last time was during the first lockdown, he was under a lot of pressure and I was returning to work after mat leave, so we were both in stressful individual states.
However, we have never stopped cuddling and kissing. I think you can have a happy long lasting relationship without sex BUT only if there is still a level of intimacy and all other areas i.e communication are still intact.

If you want to stay with him I think the dialogue needs opening and maybe an external intervention?

About 5 years. Lost my libido, due to meds I was on and when I came off them it didn’t come back for years. Now it comes and goes so sex is very sporadic. It’s absolutely shit for both of us - I want to want to have sex but I can’t make myself. Seems to be hormone related but really crap, doctors aren’t vaguely interested, I’ve spent hundreds over the years on blood tests etc and can’t pinpoint the issue.

Only thing that made the tiniest difference is I found out I had a folate deficiency - when I started taking supplements it improved. In all my years researching it I’d never seen a connection but once I searched specifically I found studies linking male libido to folate levels - guess they’ve never tested it in women.

I've ended up in tears today because I just thought, we're never getting it back. We're so happy in other ways but how can you restart a sex life that's just stopped? I'm too anxious and starting to feel unsure I could have sex with him now because it's just going to feel too momentous and forced.

Well, I’ve had it both ways. For the first year of our relationship we could have sex up to 9 time’s a day (defo couldn’t do this now). Now we have sex maybe twice a week? Sometimes considerably less and sometimes more.

I think you need an honest chat with him, and if the ED persists obviously push at a doctors appointment. You have needs and it’s completely normal to crave a healthy sex life (which yours obviously isn’t). Hopefully you can rekindle your sex life, it certainly isn’t impossible!

@EmptyOrchestra do you mean you didn't have sex at all for five years? I get the loss of libido but did sex become actively repellent? Sorry to be blunt, I'm just trying to understand because to be lack of sex drive might mean going a couple of months, maybe averaging once a month or something like that but it seems like for some people they just stop almost completely.

2 months, then split up after 12 years together, if you go weeks without a good reason, it's doomed in my book, it shows a general lack of interest in sharing.

[quote RosyPickle]@EmptyOrchestra do you mean you didn't have sex at all for five years? I get the loss of libido but did sex become actively repellent? Sorry to be blunt, I'm just trying to understand because to be lack of sex drive might mean going a couple of months, maybe averaging once a month or something like that but it seems like for some people they just stop almost completely. [/quote]
Yes, no sex or anything physical for that time, or in the times now where I have no libido. It’s hard to explain - the only way to describe it is like the part of my brain related to sex has been removed. The idea of anything sexual makes me feel panicked and that it’s just not something I could do. I don’t think about sex, I feel uncomfortable seeing sex scenes on TV etc. When it comes back it’s like everything switches back on for a week or so, then switched off again. There’s no external trigger, nothing psychological either, when it comes back it’s always around ovulation so must be hormonal. It’s awful, I hate being like this but I can’t do anything to change it, I’ve tried everything I can.

I think people who haven’t experienced this would struggle to understand it because it’s very hard to imagine. Of course I have no idea if what your partner is experiencing is anything like this.

I think what you’re talking about is low sex drive. Complete loss of libido is something else entirely.

Due to work and living in different cities we didn't have sex for 8 months. But then when we moved in we made up for it. Now its been about 2 months but that's because I am 16 weeks pregnant and was terrified of a loss after an early one in May so I've avoided it. And we have been working nights so too tired. However we will get it back again.

Hi OP I have experienced this and did manage to restart a sexual relationship, so don't give up hope on that necessarily. Was with DH for 15 years with a pretty normal sex life, though struggles with infertility and trying to conceive and ED had taken a bit of a toll. We conceived our third child after 15y together and then didn't have sex for, unbelievably, 9 years. We were effectively just staying together for the kids. We were always really crap at communicating in that way and that and being tired with 3 young children, stressful jobs, his ED etc meant that it just fell away. I thought he wasn't interested and he though I wasn't interested and in fact we were both extremely frustrated and upset about the situation. Things came to a head at the beginning of lockdown this year (as we were both at home and I noticed him watching a lot of porn and being on some dodgy websites) and we were at the point of splitting up. To then cut another long story short, after a lot of upset and really being honest he asked me to wait until after lockdown to ask him to move out and then after even more talking we decided to take it slowly and see whether there was anything worth saving. Against the odds we started having sex again (I also thought is would be too weird and impossible but it was actually surprisingly easy, we were both starved of affection so really appreciated it) and now have a regular sex life again which is actually way better than it was.

DH and I have been together 20 years and our sex life now is better than ever, although maybe not as frequent as when we were 19!

I had a thyroid condition at the same time as a lot of other stress and totally went off sex, I just had zero libido. It was probably 4/5 months with nothing and then when it started up was maybe once a month for a while. We always had open communication about it and DH never put any pressure on me which really helped. But absolutely recovered so don’t despair that this is it for you. It can be reignited if you both talk honestly about how you feel and what you want.

9 and a half years and counting. I don't want to continue. It's both our faults - he's shown no interest in me, it's as if I'm his bloke mate, although he insists that we are much much more than just friends when we end up having a conversation about it. And on my part, I suppose I've held onto things I've been angry or upset about, and have become resentful and just don't want to be anywhere near him. When I say no sex for nearly ten years, I mean all aspects of a normal intimate relationship are missing. This makes me feel absolutely empty and beyond frustrated. If you can rekindle things, and if you want to, then you shovel try at this early stage. Don't let it get to where I am! Good luck x

For the record, it's not lack of libido on on side, I'm flippen desperate for a good sorting out! And for just a warm loving cuddle. For him, he just doesn't seem to need any of it, doesn't use porn, and he's content to rumble along as we are. I hate it, but have got two kids to think of.

4 years? It’s been years and then maybe once or twice and then years again. Currently at a year. Before that about four years.

4-5 months and counting. I've had a baby in that time though. DP couldn't handle there being a baby there for the last few months of my pregnancy and I had a couple of stitches after birth so we're waiting six weeks as instructed. Six weeks ends tomorrow - just hope the baby might nap somewhere that isn't on me so we can change this 😁😁😁

Around 7 weeks. I think I am an outlier though, I was very very up for sex when my second child was 10 days old and sex is an important element of our relationship.

In any case what matters is how you feel. If both people in a relationship are happy with the frequency and quality of their sexual contact, it doesn't matter whether they're engaging multiple times a day or not at all. It's the happiness or lack of it that matters.

Two years. That was after 25 years together with 4 DC though. Happily we have been very much back on track for the last two but we had to work really hard at it. We still fancied each other but life and DC got in the way. The longer it went on, the more difficult it was to restart.

If you’ve only been together for 3 years, I’d say long periods without sex so early on are a concern for the future if, like the majority of people, you see a fulfilling sex life and the feeling of being desired as an important element of a long term romantic relationship.

You need to talk openly about it. Nothing will change until you do.

Forgot to say. DH and I went back to basics.

Getting dressed up for ‘Dates’, getting each other little presents, sexting (that was cringey at first ), always making an effort before bed by showering and smelling gorgeous/wearing something slinky. Going to the gym together really helped ramp it up. Feeling fitter and more energetic definitely helps the old libido. He also bought me a vibrator but that’s gathering dust in the back of the wardrobe! We had a ‘dirty’ weekend away in a hotel for the first time since DC recently. Only surfaced to go out for dinner. It was amazing!

We've been together 17 years, the longest we've gone is probably about 4-5 weeks x2 when I'd had the babies. We don't so often now, probably about 3 x a week nowadays. I would think that if it went into weeks or months without a medical reason there would be a concern (unless you're both happy, of course). Could he be depressed? It's a tough time at the moment

Six weeks is the longest directly after DC1 was born. And that wasn't not wanting to, but DC1 was a Velcro baby and crappy sleeper.

We'll go a few weeks sometimes if we're tired/stressed/passing a sickness bug around but usually not longer. It's important to both of us to have that connection.

I would be concerned at sexual problems a few years in, tbh, especially if it's already causing frustration and distress. It's not impossible to get a sex life back after a long drought (there's a great Crazy Ex-Girlfriend line about the long, dry marital plateau called My Kids Are Little Don't Touch Me), but sex drive can be a bit "use it or lose it", and as with all relationship issues it needs both of you to be committed to trying hard and working it out - you can't fix it on your own.

Probably a month right now which feels a long time. But I had a bit of a mental health blip at the start of that. I take citalopram for anxiety and depression it is pretty wellanaged with it. But lockdown isn't helping. And then we lost one of our cats suddenly so we're really sad right now. These are the sort of things which will have an impact for us. I'm now immediately due on and not feeling mega up for it.

This is normal for us as some things have gone on. If it had been a month in normal time that wouldn't feel great for me. But that's personal to me and my partner. Some people will be reading this thinking they'd be climbing the walls and others won't have even started thinking about it yet.