DH messaging woman on FB that he’s never met (again)

[thebakeoffwasntasgoodthisyear]

I’ve NC for this but I’m a regular poster on Mumsnet. DH has hundreds of “friends” on FB, and I’ve just found out that he messaged a woman that he’s never met. It was about 3 weeks ago and he sent her a message complimenting her recent profile photo, saying it was stunning etc and he just wanted to let her know. She thanked him for the compliment and that was that. She lives in a town about 150 miles away. I found this out as I just had a gut feeling and did some snooping.

He did the same thing 3 years ago, except it was a woman from the city he worked in at the time. She was a mutual friend of one of his childhood friends. The messages were similar, starting with compliments on her good looks, suggesting they meet for coffee etc. They didn’t meet but it went on for a few months. I confronted him about it, said it was a red line etc and he apologised. He’s still friends with her on FB though.

Our relationship isn’t great tbh, we haven’t had sex for a long time due to medical issues on his part, that are unlikely to improve. There is little physical intimacy either, though we get on well it is largely platonic. I’ve considered divorce but I’m a much higher earner and stand to lose a lot if we were to split.

I’m not really sure what I’m asking, but interested to see what others would do.

This is awful for you, OP. You don’t say if you have dc’s. I know you might have a lot to lose in a divorce - but the longer it goes on, the more there is to lose. And by that I mean good years where you could find someone else. It just seems like he’s fishing. If the women took the bait, the chats might be completely different. I’m a big fan of cutting your losses. His behaviour is not cool

I would divorce him because he's disrespectful
Who knows how many women he's messaged?!

I’ve considered divorce but I’m a much higher earner and stand to lose a lot if we were to split.

You'll lose a lot more if you stay with him. You can always make more money.

Thanks, I have one DC from a previous relationship, he doesn’t have any children. I would like to consider divorce but I’d lose so much and this would affect my DC too. I own our house and have a decent pension pot, and earn about 3 times more than him. If I had to split my assets with him, I’d end up having to downsize and work long hours

What's more important money or being happy in the life you are living?

You need to speak to a solicitor so you really know where you stand. Whatever the case, stop living a lie. Your marriage is a sham.

I don’t know OP. You don’t seem happy and it’s hard to tell how you really feel about it/him.
Lack of intimacy that is unlikely to resolve must be the key issue here. And what you do about it is, clearly, key.

What I don’t quite get is - if you largely have a platonic relationship and he isn’t able to have sex - why are you even bothering monitoring his FB interactions? What can he possibly do with any of the women?
The emails are just an ego trip, nothing else.

But you don’t really need any more reasons to divorce him as it is. Unless you feel guilty about ending a relationship over a medical reason.

As to being the higher earner. Provided that he works - you aren’t very likely to have to pay him maintenance these days. You would have to split assets. So - what you do is a choice really.

It is a sham, and I’m really not happy. Being happy is more important, though I’d definitely need legal advice first as a divorce would massively affect my DC’s quality of life too. I’m not as upset about the messages as I was the first time, though that’s probably because I don’t have the same feelings for him any more.

See a solicitor about division of assets.

If you are higher earner, own your house and have a decent pension - what makes you think you'll need to share with him? I read it that you have no children together. I imagine he will get a percentage of the property - but you won't need to pay him support, surely?

Get rid.

He does work though wouldn’t be able to afford his own place. My mortgage is already 33% of my net income, with another 16 years left to pay, by which time I’ll be almost 60. I owned a house before I met him, though only bought the one we live in 2 years ago. There is equity of about £100000 so if I had to give him half of it, plus a chunk of my pension, I’d end up having to sell up and move into a flat, which just seems really shit and unfair. He has never contributed to the house, other than paying our TV licence and broadband bills. I literally pay for everything else. My parents provided childcare too. God knows why I got married.

I’m grateful for all the replies too, I feel a bit worn out so I’m going to go to bed now.

Definitely get some advice. Having a child and owning the property before you met him will all count in your favour.

Can you prove that he hasn't paid toward the house, OP? This is no way to live

Gosh it's so unfair that you have to suffer financially over this prick.

Get some legal advice first and foremost and take it from there. Even if you can't afford to divorce him straight away I would start putting plans in place and start disconnecting from his emotionally.

I think I'd stay quiet about the FB for now while you get your plans in motion. Don't let him catch wind of what your planning until you're ready to leave. I really would leave OP, this is no way to live. The messages to other women are completely and utterly inappropriate and disrespectful to you - particularly since you explicitly told him it was a red line. He doesn't give a fuck about your feelings.

I hope things work out for you

I cannot imagine you would have to give him a share of your pension (I'm not a solicitor).

Why would you? He works. You are not responsible for him, there are no shared children. Who cares if he can't afford his own place! It's not like he's a SAHP who gave up work to care for the children and put his own career on hold, like many women do.

Thanks, I appreciate all the replies. I can prove he doesn’t contribute - all of the direct debits re mortgage and bills come out of my personal account and we have separate finances. I have the same equity in the house that I had when we met - I bought a more expensive house so increased the mortgage.

I’m not going to mention anything about what I found on FB

How old is your son and how long have you been married
Personally the Facebook stuff is probably all ego stroking if he’s not able to have sex for whatever reason
But to be fair it’s only exactly the same as what a lot men have to do - share the assets
If people don’t want to share then they shouldn’t get married

We’ve been married for 3 years and my son is 15.

I sorely wish I had never got married. I do feel it’s different from cases where a SAHM has given up her career to care for joint DC, in which case she deserves assets to be split. I realise the courts may see my situation as the same though. Marry in haste, repent at leisure - never a truer word was spoken!

Please see a solicitor. I'm fairly convinced that after a 3 year marriage with no children and little contribution from him he would not be entitled to anything very much financially.

The longer the marriage goes on, however, the more he IS likely to get.

He won't get any where near as much as you think OP and even if he did, it's no reason to stay married to him, trust me, I've been in exactly your position.

End result, i got the house, because I'd put on all the deposit and I negotiated with him not to go after his pension.

A grown man with a job does not need maintenance, but you need to ensure a roof over your head and your Ds, so you need to prove that a 50/50 division of assets wouldn't be favourable.

Don't waste another moment of your life, on the other side the grass is very much greener.

In a short marriage (

This is horrible OP . There’s so much more out there for you in a world without this creep .
I second what everyone else is saying , see a solicitor ASAP and tell him he’s welcome to his ‘stunning Facebook strangers ‘

OP what will you do if he chooses to leave you in 5 years, when you are worth even more? Your will to protect your assets assumes he will not leave you, yet he is clearly looking at his other options already now.

Cut your losses short and get some legal advice, just to see if you can better protect yourself.

This is no way to live. You need to model a healthy, loving, happy relationship to your son. There isn’t any real affection left so it’s time to finish it and start actually living. You’re wasting your life!

Even if you do have to sell and move into a flat (the horror! ), it’s preferable by far to living in a loveless, unhappy marriage. You only get one life.

Please get good legal advice now. While you have a child and a short marriage.

The longer you are married the more of a share he'll potentially be entitled to.