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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help me formulate advice.

33 replies

Palatka · 26/11/2020 21:37

A local guy in his early 30s was widowed about a month ago. My DD worked with this guy up until about a year ago in a part-time job. She didn't know his wife personally.

When DD shared a fundraiser for him and his kids on her FB he used the heart reaction to her post.

He messaged her within a few weeks of his wife dying asking how she was doing, what she was up to etc. She answered and offered her condolences.

He's been messaging her today asking where she lives, where she works now and if she lives alone. She's seen the messages but not actually read them (so they look unread to him).

He's just sent her a message saying "you still do sponge baths?" (she's in a care position).

She doesn't know whether to respond, and she should, how to respond. I have no idea what she should do for the best.

OP posts:
SnoriSnorrison · 27/11/2020 02:07

My advice if my DD was in this situation would be "ignore and block" and that would be it except maybe a chat about how it was a wonderful thing she tried to do but his reactions are inappropriate and that she never has to put up with shite like that ever.

No excuses for him, grief does do weird things to people sometimes but the sponge bath comment is really grubby and grief is not a green light to turn into a leacher.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/11/2020 02:46

He's just sent her a message saying "you still do sponge baths?"

I don't care if he is grieving, he just crossed a massive line. Firm advice to ignore and block.

justilou1 · 27/11/2020 02:49

I would advise him that that he has crossed a line and is behaving inappropriately and offensively. No further contact will be welcome from him.

Toppered · 27/11/2020 03:05

I would ignore him.

Lamppostcat · 27/11/2020 03:21

I would advise her to respond with telling him firmly that losing his wife is no excuse to behave like a pervert
I don’t believe this is ‘grief Sou g funny things at all . More likely this guy simply never loved his wife and probably cheated on her all along .
Sickening really

Lamppostcat · 27/11/2020 03:23

He’s attempting to use people’s sympathy for him to get sexual favours I mean really ? Grief does NOT change a persons character and turn them into a filthy lecherous man

SnoriSnorrison · 27/11/2020 03:40

I'd just like to say again that whilst I said grief does funny things to people that does not excuse him from being pervy just in case anyone misread my first post, as it would seem some have.

I was not making excuses for his behaviour at all, just the opposite in fact. He's grim!

Lamppostcat · 27/11/2020 03:42

No Snori I understand what you were saying and agree entirely . I am just aghast that he is bagging so disgustingly and so soon after his wife’s death .

Laserbird16 · 27/11/2020 03:42

Urggh. Block would be my advice. How odious

SnoriSnorrison · 27/11/2020 03:46

Sorry Lamppostcat, I wasn't directing at you in particular just thought I'd clarify because it looked like my post had been read wrong - possibly not helped by the way I wrote it but I've been awake for 24hrs (insomnia sucks!) and I'm a bit fuzzy and not at my most articulate.

OP this guy is not a nice guy or a guy making an honest mistake, he is a wrong 'un!

Original poster
Palatka · 27/11/2020 04:44

Thank you all. I also wonder if she's the only one he's doing this to.

About 3 weeks after her death he was advertising lots of her clothes, shoes etc for sale on FB. I thought it was odd but thought maybe he'd been advised to do that, rip the band-aid off as it were. Now it just seems downright odd.

As the messages will appear to him to be unread I advised her to do nothing for now until i'd got some other perspectives.

OP posts:
justilou1 · 27/11/2020 05:23

He just gets ickier... Most people give to charity.

Frannibananni · 27/11/2020 05:48

Ignore and block, he would be trying this with lots of others. Awful behaviour.

Ffsffsffsffsffs · 27/11/2020 07:07

Gosh, a lot of pearl-clutching about a man moving on so quickly after his wife's death!

So he's recently widowed. You have no idea at all if theirs was a happy loving marriage or not. Nor told us if his ex had a long illness (so it was an 'expected' bereavement) or it was a sudden loss.

Before I finally got the pluck to begin divorce proceedings, I would have been hugely relieved if my (now) ex died, after many years of an awful, awful marriage and abuse. Maybe this man's marriage was like this? Who knows what goes on behind closed doors.

Secondly, if it was a long death, by which I mean his wife had been ill for months, even years, again he may be feeling relief she is not suffering any more. As is the case with elderly people I have cared for, often you do your grieving whilst they are still alive - for the person they were before the illness, and for the life you were hoping to live together and the future that is lost.

So I cannot judge based on what scant details you have given based on the above.

Plus, I have friends for whom, rightly ot wrongly, talking about sponge baths as a sort of chat-up line would be almost OK, it depends on what your daughter's friendship with him was like before.

So I'd say ask your daughter what she knows of his relationship beforehand, and of the wife's death. The sponge bath thing could be OK if that is the nature of their friendship. Does she want this to go anywhere?

Freaky as fuck otherwise, entirely up to her to decide if she wants this to go anywhere or not.

Original poster
Palatka · 27/11/2020 07:19

I don't know anything about his wife's death and nor does my daughter. Whatever the circumstances are, they are being very closely guarded by all that knew him and her..

They are not close friends at all. AFAIK they had little to no contact in the past year up until his wife died. They are most certainly not close enough for sponge bath comments to be banter. Or acceptable.

DD is not remotely interested in him. She lives with her boyfriend and has already told this man what her situation is. The fact he's asked again makes me wonder if he's talking to several women and has forgotten who said what.

OP posts:
Lamppostcat · 27/11/2020 07:49

@Ffsffsffsffsffs

Gosh, a lot of pearl-clutching about a man moving on so quickly after his wife's death!

So he's recently widowed. You have no idea at all if theirs was a happy loving marriage or not. Nor told us if his ex had a long illness (so it was an 'expected' bereavement) or it was a sudden loss.

Before I finally got the pluck to begin divorce proceedings, I would have been hugely relieved if my (now) ex died, after many years of an awful, awful marriage and abuse. Maybe this man's marriage was like this? Who knows what goes on behind closed doors.

Secondly, if it was a long death, by which I mean his wife had been ill for months, even years, again he may be feeling relief she is not suffering any more. As is the case with elderly people I have cared for, often you do your grieving whilst they are still alive - for the person they were before the illness, and for the life you were hoping to live together and the future that is lost.

So I cannot judge based on what scant details you have given based on the above.

Plus, I have friends for whom, rightly ot wrongly, talking about sponge baths as a sort of chat-up line would be almost OK, it depends on what your daughter's friendship with him was like before.

So I'd say ask your daughter what she knows of his relationship beforehand, and of the wife's death. The sponge bath thing could be OK if that is the nature of their friendship. Does she want this to go anywhere?

Freaky as fuck otherwise, entirely up to her to decide if she wants this to go anywhere or not.

Irrelevant if they had the most horrible marriage in the world . He’s behaving in a completely sleazy way . Referring to a woman whom he used to work with profession and asking suggestively if she still does sponge baths . I’m guessing from your post and avoidance of identifying your gender that you’re a man It’s incredible how the entire planet revolves around men’s ducks isn’t it and apparently any women who don’t tow the line and go along with it are ‘clutching pearls
Lamppostcat · 27/11/2020 07:51

Men’s dicks!!!! Not ducks. Pretty sure old ducks are never things men are interested in . It’s the young and vulnerable women these sleazes target

Lamppostcat · 27/11/2020 07:53

Also why WOULd she want this to go anywhere . Surely only someone who watches wayyyy to much porn would even ask that

Ffsffsffsffsffs · 27/11/2020 08:42

@Lamppostcat I'm most definitely a woman, though I quite like the idea of the planet evolving around ducks!

If OP's dd hasn't had any sort of friendship/relationship with him for a year and has spelled out that she is in a relationship, then I agree, block and delete.

My other comments were simply that nobody on the outside knows what goes on in any relationship behind closed doors - for all anyone knows the relationship with his late wife might have been 'over' long before she died.

I've lived and worked with lots of nurses, doctors and carers since I was 18, both professionally and personally, their humour can be quite dark, so the sponge baths comment, in the right circles, may not be interpreted as creepily as OP's dd is finding it.

Agreed though, any unsolicited 'banter' is entirely offensive. And yes, after only 3 weeks does seem particularly callous.

Unless op dd has other concerns, or links to this man via friends or family, totally acceptable to block if she's not interested. Simple.

MyOwnSummer · 27/11/2020 11:21

How old is your daughter, OP?

Original poster
Palatka · 27/11/2020 14:14

She's 21. Happily living with her boyfriend, definitely not interested in this man and never was.

This man has two young kids. He and his wife had only been married for two years.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 27/11/2020 15:11

"That was a really inappropriate message and made me very uncomfortable. Please don't contact me again."

It's good I think to send the message instead of just ignoring in case he looks for other means to contact her if she doesn't respond to it. It also means if he ends up being a pest she has it in writing that she told him not to contact her.

So I would send something like the above and then block.

Sunshineandflipflops · 27/11/2020 15:18

I agree with @youvegottenminuteslynn. I was going to say just ignore and block but actually, he should know that his behaviour is unacceptable so that he is less likely to do it to someone else.

He sounds like a sleaze.

Original poster
Palatka · 27/11/2020 16:16

Yes, I think that's the way to go.

This isn't relevant to my daughter, but someone set up a fundraiser for him and the kids very soon after her death. He's been sharing that fundraiser on his own FB page around 3 days out of 5. Seems very strange. The whole thing seems very strange.

OP posts:
SnoriSnorrison · 27/11/2020 17:24

That's because it is strange! I would say if it made you and your daughter uncomfortable you have the instincts there to spot a creep, you just need to believe in your own judgements.

Guys that seem a little creepy usually are and it's usually the tip of an iceberg of creepy-ness