Married for 20 years but long for dating/excitement/sex

[theburbs90]

Married for 20 years, lots of issues in the past between us (arguments, his abusive outbursts in the street to people who annoy him for no apparent reason, his road rage) but things have improved the last year during lockdown. He has almost become a bit sullen and calm. He is on the spectrum, not interested in sex, likes to game/watch TV, bores me. I love sex, he doesn't.

I want excitement, a new man, dating, dressing up for a new man. I have always been a lifelong flirt, but I enjoy it - but how do I know if this isn't just a phase ? if I spoke to DH and told him how I feel i.e. bored, lonely, fed up of his gaming, me doing everything at home, his shitty dress sense, no gentlemanly features about him for my liking, then he would say he would change. But, I am past that. However, can I really throw away 20 years ?

My head is spinning.

Probably depends on what you want!

There have been a few threads like this lately. Personally I think you can leave a relationship because it is not enhancing your life, full stop. But It's not an exchange program, as you may not find an upgrade out there :)

You have to leave because you would be happier alone and not look to a man to supply it , as they often disappoint!

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What is in this still for you after 20 years?. Are you really only with him out of habit or even a fear of starting over or being on your own?.

You state he is on the spectrum, has he been formally diagnosed?. Even if he was formally diagnosed this is still no justification or excuse for this behaviour towards you or other people. It looks like you’ve been dragged down with and by him during this time.

Your last sentence is the sunken costs fallacy in a nutshell. That basically causes people to keep on making poor relationship decisions and people get bogged down by focusing on their sunk costs. You certainly are being bogged down by said sunk costs.

You have to leave because you would be happier alone and not look to a man to supply it , as they often disappoint!

Agree with this

Please believe me when I say the grass is not always greener. It's just different grass. I think lockdown has affected a lot of us.

I think the question is not whether you want to throw away the past 20 years, but the next 20.

Put out some very tentative tentacles. Even if they are just in your mind. Give yourself plenty of space. There is no rush. Get to know yourself a bit and the idea of being single.

@BarryWhiteIsMyBrother

I think the question is not whether you want to throw away the past 20 years, but the next 20.

Spot on !

Relationships change, and some just run their course.

Alternatively, people arrive at some midpoint of their lives and have a crisis of ‘is this really it’.
It’s hard to tell which of these fits you best, if any. But it’s your life and you can decide how to live it.

In general, I am not sure why you stayed in what always to be a sexless and generally unhappy relationship for 20years. So in your place - I’d think about options and figure out how a separation might work on practical level. Many people in your situation would also have an affair, just to test the waters.
But this being MN - you’d be told to leave first.

@Ppffw

Please believe me when I say the grass is not always greener. It's just different grass. I think lockdown has affected a lot of us.

This 100%

I have a v comfortable life, together we are v financially secure.
I've stayed all these years because it was easy - I get freedom to go out whenever and do what I want. My dc have fabulous holidays.
@BarryWhiteIsMyBrother - How would I be throwing away the next 20 years ? I'm interested to hear your views plse.
Me and DH have been through a lot over the years with his behaviours but he has calmed right down during lockdown and is even quite pleasant - a first for me saying that. He doesn't have a formal diagnosis but he is def on the spectrum. But ... I want sex, he doesn't despite my initiations and other efforts. I don't want to dress up nice for him. Years ago I said let's not bother doing wedding anniversary cards and we no longer mark the occasion. I'm not bothered. We don't do valentines ever but that's coz i hate that commercial rubbish. I was looking at holiday memories over the years, we have had some amazing holidays and I feel terribly guilty for wanting to leave when I see the family photos. We have an amazing house, we built it a year ago for our DC and it fits every need for them. But still I feel lonely. He was out tonight for the first time in a long time and it was bliss. Just me and the DC. Me separating would rip his world apart and him.
What to do ?

How would you feel if you left and didn’t meet anyone else? Does that feel ok? Preferable to the current situation? If when you are 80 you are single would you feel you have made the right decision or would you regret it?

So you don't like him but you're happy with the lifestyle he provides?
Have you thought about how you'd feel if you separated and he got snapped up by some one else - and you didn't? Because you do come across as a user. And a bit trivial.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. They’ve had nice holidays but what relationship example are you both equally showing them?. Do you want another 20 years like the last 20?. You’ve indeed stayed because it’s been easier for you to do so, you have not yourself wanted to move on with your own life.

And if he has not been formally diagnosed as being on any spectrum then you may well be wrong in thinking this of him. It’s still no excuse or justification for his behaviours towards you and other people.

Hello , i can say that i am fully understanding in what you are saying . In all probabiilty a little fling would take away your itchiness . The problem is , is this possible , what if your husband funds out etc

My younger DC notices that neither me or Dh are very affectionate. He has commented on it in the past. We lead separate lives - I do the tesco online shop, he adds to the order after I have done me and DC. He has his own towel in the bathroom which is coloured for distinction, he doesn't use the family ones. He cooks his own dinners. The food he buys is his apparently and not really for sharing. He has the living room, I have the kitchen diner as my space. Both WFH in the day, we rarely speak let alone anything else when the DC are at school (ie sex) - That has not happened once in lockdown when the DC have not been here, despite my suggestion and initiations. Xmas and birthdays we has no idea what we have brought the DC as there has been no input from him, so he hasnt a clue of what they are opening on the day, apart from the main gift which we will have agreed on. He has no idea about a womans body - on the rare occasion we do have sex he jumps on, sorts himself out and then gets off. I am not allowed to mention anything rude/sex/dirty as he gets too embarrassed, like a teenager. I tell him i have period pains and hes like oh go and take a tablet for that then. No hot baths run for me. No buying nice undies for me. No 40th bday gift from the DC. The most i get from him is a cuppa when i get home from work - and that's the second job he was happy for me to take on at the week-ends for the cash. The list goes on.

BUT - the DC get fab holidays and have a fab house.

he is a man child - i organise everything for him as otherwise it just goes to sh*t. I only do the organising to keep him calm for the DC and to stop him having a meltdown, its not pleasant to hear/watch.

BUT during lockdown he has been a hell of a lot calmer and at peace with a lot of things. Could this be a new him or is this just lockdown and when he can go out out again he will revert to how he was ?

PLUS we have a v expensive holiday booked and paid for in 2021 - £8k holiday of a lifetime for me and DH only (DC at grandparents). The holiday is the only thing he is looking forward to, he is literally counting down the day until we go. It is all he talks about, its his dream.

Is he depressed?

What's his name?

Unless I'm missing a contextual clue, that's a slightly odd question?

theburbs

Your children do notice and your youngest has passed comment on it. How did you respond?.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

How much of his behaviour is due to him acting really like an angry bully?. He comes across as abusive rather than someone who is on a spectrum. You've likely self diagnosed him too, have you considered that you could well be wrong?.

A nice house and lifestyle do not and will not make up for the fact that your marriage is to all intents and purposes loveless and therefore dead in the water. You've been parenting your H and with you further acting as this man's mother.

Is this how you intend to spend the next 10 years plus with him, after all one day your kids will leave home and sooner rather than later if this is what they are seeing from you two. They won't say "thanks mum" to you for staying with him and will wonder of you why you put him before them. You're not even doing that; you've stayed really for your own reasons i.e the lifestyle that you want to maintain. Your home life sounds utterly miserable not just for you but for them too.

Would you want such a marriage for them as adults, after all we as children learn about relationships first and foremost from parents. What are you both teaching them about relationships between you and your DH?. You're both showing them a really rubbish example of a marriage and relationship. Some legacy that is to leave them.

Given the current situation re the pandemic and associated travel restrictions you may not be able to travel to this destination in 2021 either.

@theburbs90

I have a v comfortable life, together we are v financially secure. I've stayed all these years because it was easy - I get freedom to go out whenever and do what I want. My dc have fabulous holidays. *@BarryWhiteIsMyBrother* - How would I be throwing away the next 20 years ? I'm interested to hear your views plse. Me and DH have been through a lot over the years with his behaviours but he has calmed right down during lockdown and is even quite pleasant - a first for me saying that. He doesn't have a formal diagnosis but he is def on the spectrum. But ... I want sex, he doesn't despite my initiations and other efforts. I don't want to dress up nice for him. Years ago I said let's not bother doing wedding anniversary cards and we no longer mark the occasion. I'm not bothered. We don't do valentines ever but that's coz i hate that commercial rubbish. I was looking at holiday memories over the years, we have had some amazing holidays and I feel terribly guilty for wanting to leave when I see the family photos. We have an amazing house, we built it a year ago for our DC and it fits every need for them. But still I feel lonely. He was out tonight for the first time in a long time and it was bliss. Just me and the DC. Me separating would rip his world apart and him. What to do ?

If you are not going to be happy then you'd be wasting the next 20 years. You need to think very carefully about what you think will make you happiest in future. The fact that you spent 20 years with a person doesn't mean you have to stay with them if you're not happy. Or if you're not as happy as you could be.

I broke up with my ex after 16 years. For the last two we had no sex and I missed that. It's now three years on and I've been in a relationship for the past two. I am happy. We have a great sex life. We care for each other, we laugh and enjoy spending time together. Do I think my current partner is the one for me for the next 20 years? I don't know. But I know I'm certainly happier with him that I would have been had I stayed with my ex. And even being single can make you happier than if you were in an unhappy relationship. It can be daunting to leave the devil you know, but many people do that every day and don't look back.

Whatever you choose, I wish you all the best :-)

I left H over the summer feeling almost exactly like you do OP. In my case, we'd been together for 30 years, and I was miserable, stressed, depressed, and hadn't had sex for so long, I wasn't sure if any of the bits still worked! Once I said out loud "maybe we shouldn't live together" it was like a light switch going on in my head, and I realised that I needed to get away for me, that if I stayed, I would have the next 30 years with nothing improving, making me more and more ill (medical condition massively affected by stress etc).

So, 4 months later, in an entirely new city, I'm happier than I've been in an embarassingly long time, I'm working out what makes me tick, I like being by myself, and although sex would be great, I have so many hangups about my body after 15 odd years of being rejected by H, so I don't think trying to meet anyone is especially sensible (regardless of covid).

The DC can see I'm happier (they're all older) and although, yes, they would prefer if mum and dad were still together, two of the three think it's the best thing I could have done (one is still a bit head in the sand about it all). And most flattering of all, I met up with some old friends a couple of months back, and the reaction from one was "fuck me, you look 20 years younger!".

Still to properly talk about what's going to happen (complicated joint work situation) but I have plans for the next four years, I want to do a degree, I'm investigating a move to a different city next summer, I'm half way through a major weight loss programme, doing regular exercise, and no longer need the couple of glasses of wine a night in order to get to sleep. Positives all round for me, and maybe for H if he carries on with the counselling and deals with some of his baggage too.

Omg @theburbs90 this is exactly my position. In fact I'm convinced you are me and your dh is my dh! Everything you've described is the same, apart from being financially comfortable, the nice house, and the luxury holidays. We have one £100 caravan holiday per year, and he thinks he's some kind of hero cos he pays for it. . . . Anyway, yes, it's very very frustrating to feel your life is passing by so quickly (this year has flown) and you feel as if you're wasting it. My dh shows no interest in me, and doesn't know his way around a woman at all. I've never known any passion with him, and he doesn't act like a man towards me at all. In fact, if we ever are forced to have a cuddle at Christmas or birthdays or something, he pats me on the back like I'm a bloke. Or worse, his mum. I want to dress up for a man and turn him on and for him to want me. I can't live the rest of my life without this. I feel like I'm missing out on so much!
The mental load is enormous. Same as you, I do all the organising, taking care of what the kids need, I look after other family members when they need it, and have a job. I work 30 hours a week, but much more doing everything else, and he thinks because he has a hard day in his job, he can just flop on the sofa every night and watch his telly or fall asleep while I'm still busy late into the evening. And same as you, I just get on with it to keep the peace.
What do you think you'll do? I've been to counselling to sort it out in my mind, and I know clearly what I want, which is for him to let me go and live my life, and find someone who can actually see me as a woman. But I just can't justify it in my mind. Despite everything that has pushed me away, there's nothing major I can point to to be a big enough reason to ask him to go. He thinks everything's fine. Even though I've told him it's not! It's utterly frustrating. I hope you can work out a way to find happiness for yourself OP X

@WakingUp55643 and op can I join your merry gang?? Same here. Oh the need for someone to see me as something other than the housekeeper. The refusal to understand me, it kills you slowly

@wizzywig oh yes, you can join, bring wine! And I don't even drink! I think the kiss of death was when I decided to put my wedding dress on for our tenth anniversary a couple of years, did my hair all sexy, not a flicker from him! He barely looked up from the flamin telly!
Yes, it absolutely kills you :(

I left DH in April after feeling like this, he wasn't happy, I wasn't... We were fine day o day, we were friends, we got along, had the nice trips, the nice house etc... But the kids saw no affection, when I told them he was moving out, they barely blinked. It's scary, I feel like some days I've made the wrong choice, but it's usually the guilt, the fear of being skint, the relentlessness of my day, working, kids, lockdown... I don't miss him as such. In fact it's easier as its just me, I don't have another adult to worry about.
I do still love him as a friend, he wasn't a bad man... Just emotionally stunted, didn't talk to me, didn't have any real passion for him... He did for me, once, but I just felt embarrassed almost when he'd try things. He bought the sexy stuff etc, it just made me cringe. He was useless with the kids, left everything to me... Worked hard, drank a lot... But there wasn't an emotional connection, I needed that. Ashamed to say I found it somewhere else, towards the end. With him now. Totally in love, it's a totally different ball game. We talk, we are open, no resentment, a connection. The sex, amazing. The emotional support, I'm honest with him, he knows me so much better after just a few months (we have known each other 9 years though) I felt lonely before, in my marriage... Its not easy, it's hard work, I am never sure if this will last, as for him, I'm not the easy choice, older, with kids, baggage... Covid means we can't see each other much and have to keep it secret. But I'd still do the same, if I get a year of this and beer have it again, I'll be happy on my own.
Even with all the complications, the worry about selling the house, the guilt, it's worth it for the difference I feel in myself. I'm lighter, I was relieved when he finally accepted it and agreed. ExDH actually thanked me for pulling the plug, he said he would have been unhappy for years through fear, not losing the house, money etc.

It's never greener necessarily. The grass. It might be full of dogshit and thistles. But if you're being honest rolling around in it and you feel more free and yourself, well it's worth jumping that fence I reckon 😂