Married for 20 years but long for dating/excitement/sex

[theburbs90]

Married for 20 years, lots of issues in the past between us (arguments, his abusive outbursts in the street to people who annoy him for no apparent reason, his road rage) but things have improved the last year during lockdown. He has almost become a bit sullen and calm. He is on the spectrum, not interested in sex, likes to game/watch TV, bores me. I love sex, he doesn't.

I want excitement, a new man, dating, dressing up for a new man. I have always been a lifelong flirt, but I enjoy it - but how do I know if this isn't just a phase ? if I spoke to DH and told him how I feel i.e. bored, lonely, fed up of his gaming, me doing everything at home, his shitty dress sense, no gentlemanly features about him for my liking, then he would say he would change. But, I am past that. However, can I really throw away 20 years ?

My head is spinning.

@MuttertheButter

What's his name?

Why on Earth would the OP tell a public forum that?

@theghostofchristmasarse This is my dream! I would love to just say enough is enough, for him to accept it, and to be able to have that massive weight lifted and move on. It sounds like it's working out lovely for you. I could have the same, there is someone being very patient not far away, but I know he won't wait forever. . . . It's what I want to do, but am taking so long faffing about, I'm already mentally prepared to have lost the chance. So tonight, dh has made the effort for five minutes with the kids doing a pass the parcel game, but now he's got Spectator TV on. Back to normal. And the music he picked for pass the parcel.....? Small Town Boy. Not even the upbeat one, the acoustic version of the song about having to leave home because of not being accepted for being gay. Marvellous choice. Honestly, it's these things that make me run cold. Anyway, we'll done you for taking that leap. Please send me a bit of strength to do the same! Please!

However, can I really throw away 20 years

Google sunk costs falacy

@theburbs90

It is lovely, at times. But also terrible. I feel badly for my ex all the time, I still have the guilt. Kids are great, but at times they say stuff... My son, tonight said that he'd like us (all of us) to live together because I love daddy... I did say yes, I love him, but as a friend.
It's true, I could have continued to live with him, but in the end we couldn't be happy.. I know he's still very sad but I do think that he is a better dad to them than when we were together, because he has to be.
So yeah. Not easy, but better.. Yeah, I think so.

@WakingUp55643 My dh shows no interest in me, and doesn't know his way around a woman at all. I've never known any passion with him, and he doesn't act like a man towards me at all. In fact, if we ever are forced to have a cuddle at Christmas or birthdays or something, he pats me on the back like I'm a bloke. Or worse, his mum. I want to dress up for a man and turn him on and for him to want me. I can't live the rest of my life without this. I feel like I'm missing out on so much!
The mental load is enormous. Same as you, I do all the organising, taking care of what the kids need, I look after other family members when they need it, and have a job. I work 30 hours a week, but much more doing everything else, and he thinks because he has a hard day in his job, he can just flop on the sofa every night and watch his telly or fall asleep while I'm still busy late into the evening. And same as you, I just get on with it to keep the peace.
//\ THIS

@Theghostofchristmasarse - yes to everything you said.
The question is how do I tell him. It will rip him and his world apart. He already has had depression with thoughts of suicide. I feel terrible taking his family away from him, his world away from him. What then if he never agrees to have the children, I will get no time to myself ever, unless I pay a nanny which I would struggle to do on my own wage.

@WakingUp55643 - our lives are exactly the same. No idea what I'm going to do. The bit about dressing up for a man, him wanting you sexually, being made to feel like a woman- that is totally how I feel. I've had enough tbh. I don't want him sexually, even if he tried. What I want to happen is we split up amicably. He has the DC every other weekend and one night a week. In reality, he will be v sad and upset if we separate, that will turn to hate and nastiness, he will mess me around with seeing the DC, just to ruin any plans I have. He will send nasty stuff to my friends to try to cause issues so I'm left in my own. He will turn to drink, goodness knows what he will do in that frame of mind. Nothing violent though. It will be bitter and ugly.
I feel so desperately trapped.
Big hugs to you xx
Well done to those that have managed to leave

@theburbs90 Totally trapped here too. It's as if he's completely ignored everything I've said about how I feel, and doesn't notice the fact I try to keep out of his way as much as possible, that I sleep on the edge of the bed and build a duvet wall between us, that everything he says to me bores me to tears. Earlier this evening he was showing me what he wants for Christmas and was asking what I want. A flipping divorce! My freedom! A chance to start again! That's what I want! Why does he think everything is fine? Does your dh know how desperate you feel? X

@WakingUp55643 - im the same re being on the edge of the bed. im the family cleaner/childrens nanny who makes everything happen while also holding down a 30 hour job and silently picking up after everyone. The same as you.

There is Never any passion or being made to feel sexually wanted, no intimacy, no thoughtfulness from him. I have no desire to dress up sexy for him to turn him on, he wouldn't be bothered even if I did. I have tried to initiate sex but he is not interested, I brought him viagra on his say so but he won't take it.
There has been so much he has done wrong over the years - from kicking the front door in while drunk with no key to screaming at me ' you cu*t' in a public place with the children (he was drunk but still not an excuse) and calling me from our holiday apartment while I was at the pool and screaming get here now and sort this out, all because I had changed the shower head setting.
He thinks its funny to literally flip me upside down on the lilo in the pool - sunglasses and hat go flying. To play ball in the pool and purposely bounce the ball to splash right into my face every time. To lift up my top in public in the dark when walking home from the pub (no one can see but that's not the point), to fall asleep drunk in the taxi from a night out, to grope me at inappropriate times - its like a dirty old man groping me in the pub. I wish I had used these examples at the time they happened to say im done to him. The last year/lockdown has seen him v quiet and calm. I need another of his outbursts to make my excuses but I can't see another scenario happening anytime soon due to lockdown.

He knows something is wrong because i cannot bear to be in the house wirh him atm and I'm always out - supermarket, friend in support bubble, going running or going into the office. I feel so guilty about planning to separate, I'm planning on telling him after xmas, if I have the guts to do it. As i said, I would rather an incident happen so I can use that as an excuse to add to all the other stuff. We were chatting to friends last night on zoom and there was lots of talk about going on holiday with them next year. We see this couple a lot (under normal times), that won't happen anymore. Hes doing up his man cave he has lots of plans, that will all go to pot. We have a once in a lifetime trip booked its his dream holiday, that won't happen and will be a huge knife in the back to him. There will be a huge knock on effect if we did separate.

You've told your DH how you feel but he's ignored it and carries on as usual ? Is there any chance you can ever leave ? Xx

Always seems to be the 20 year mark whereby marriages become rocky.

My ex was exactly the same and I yearned for excitement. Now divorced, I still get the excitement and have fabulous dates and sex, but I'm single and daily mourn the loss of my marriage.

Weird hey?

@theburbs90 Another sleepless night, him tossing and turning, which makes me feel like I'm on a flaming bouncy castle. I lie there still and uncomfortable trying not to disturb him.
All those things your d h has done are more than enough reason for you to tell him you're done. And I totally get that you're waiting for something to happen again so you can say "that's it." I feel the same. Mine has only done a couple of things like this, he got us thrown out of a local music venue just a couple of weeks before our wedding for losing his temper at one of the bar staff, shouting and calling her a c*. I wish I'd called it off then. But he's fairly quiet, almost timid most of the time. Like a Frank Spencer. Anyway, none of this is what I want from life.
I also go out as much as I can, to the shop, to look after my mum and brother, taking the kids out for a bike ride, I even sometimes just literally stand in the kitchen. My new thing is running and I love it. It's amazing to get away for half an hour with my music on and just go. But guess what, he's trying to get in on that and has asked to come with me the past two weeks! Thankfully the kids have said they don't want to be left in the house, so he hasn't done it yet. But now the thing I look forward to, he's got me on edge about, either that he'll come with me and spoil it, or I'll have to say no I don't want you to come, and cause more a awkward feeling. Does he really not notice I'm trying to get away from him!!!!! If someone didn't want to be around me, I'd notice.
I'm not sure what else I can do but spell it out again. I just can't face it though. I'm my own worst enemy here. X