Online dating, been ghosted, feel humiliated

[Ppffw]

Please go easy on me.
Ok, I've done online dating years ago, I thought I wasn't naïve to to all the downfalls. Ok rewind a few years later, I was on a few dating sites and chatting to a few men. I started chatting to this one particular man and to my complete surprise I was hooked and the feeling felt mutual. Our chatting went so well, the first night we spent the whole night chatting which is unheard of for me and he said the same thing. Fast forward two weeks and we have spent many many hours chatting and speaking on the phone. I'm embarrassed to say that he said he had never experienced anything like we had. We shared intimate details of my life and also just the mundane day to day things. I put this down to we had a real connection and I justified these feelings to the boxset 'Love is Blind' where two people can connect on a deeper level. I feel incredibly stupid for believing in this person and the fact he was a police officer, it instilled a further layer of trust and I felt this man from knowing this and our chats had a level of integrity. I mistakenly invested so much time.

So it had been planned that we would meet on a certain day with a weeks notice as we both had work commitments. Today I was all set for meeting him and then I was so disappointed that he sent a text message this morning saying that he couldn't meet he message read "I'm really sorry but I'm not going to see you today. I thought a lot yesterday and I'm going to stop with online dating. Apps have gone and I'm going to take time off messaging. Really sorry."
He had then blocked me off WhatsApp and blocked my phone number. I felt this was so cowardly, why not just message or call me and tell me why he didn't want to meet.
Please please go easy on me, I am so disappointed in myself that I can feel so low today and gutted.

He has messaged you to say he's giving up online dating, so you don't need to feel you have been ghosted - he's told you he doesn't want to see you. He could have phoned, yes, but would it really make you feel any better? You'd have been forced to react and would possibly have betrayed how upset you were, which in the longer term might have left you feeling vulnerable.

It's a cliche but try to see it that you may have dodged a bullet. Suddenly giving up online dating suggests either he is flaky and not really looking for a relationship, or that there is someone else in the background - an ex or not so ex - that he has gone back to.

You have absolutely no reason to be disappointed in yourself. You've done nothing wrong.

He didn't ghost you because he did write to tell you why he wasn't going to be meeting you. After only 2 weeks, a phone call would be infintely more awkward for both of you - especially as you've never even met yet.

People are allowed to change their mind - he's done it 2 weeks in, never having met you - there's nothing wrong with that. He doesn't owe you anything at this stage tbh, and I think it was considerate of him to explain why, not string you along with sporadic texting and keeping the door open. You have no idea what he's going through - maybe he's feeling low, maybe he met someone else, maybe he's decided he just wants to be single for a while. Nothing he's done reflects on you.

It is normal to be disappointed, and upset that something didn't work out. But you aren't upset at him, you're upset at the hopes and dreams you pinned on him. Because you don't know him at all. You haven't met him - you cannot form a connection with someone without seeing them in the flesh, smelling them, touching them, feeling their energy. So you fell for an idea, a dream.

Take time to feel bummed out. But let it be a lesson to not emotionally invest in anyone until you've gotten to know them properly and know what their intentions are. You can really like someone, love the conversations, but keep reminding yourself - this person is a stranger. Trust should be earned, not given away.

Don't be hard on yourself. You're human. Get back out there when you're ready.

Not your fault and nothing you did, I expect he's already in a relationship and you were an ego boost. Just try and remember you can't really believe who they really are until you meet so think of it as fantasy.

Maybe he's already in a committed relationship and online dating was just a way for him to fool around.

Either way, you dodged a bullet

In fairness, he hasn’t ghosted you - he at least had the decency to end things (although I can understand it must be hurtful). But you have nothing to be ashamed of embarrassed about. You thought you might like to get to know someone and it didn’t work out. Not your fault and not necessarily anything to do with you. His loss. There’ll be someone better out there for you.

Married and bottled it would be my guess. I think you have to be cautious and thick skinned for online dating. Saying that I know a few colleagues who have got married from people they met online.

I'd put money on him having a partner, tbh, OP. If he was single and you both got on so well, why would he not want to meet you?

Well, on the upside - if the time to get over it is in direct relationship to how long and how well you knew that person, you should be fully recovered in 2 hours time.

That's good!! Just keep going... don't give up.

His loss OP, on and up!
Tbh sounds like he’s prob already in a relationship sorry

I think you are mostly angry at yourself and embarrassed that you shared so much.

Don't be too hard on yourself! It's completely understandable in 2020- isolation magnifies and intensifies any connection, I think. Yes, you've exposed yourself emotionally to someone who's effectively a stranger, and it turns out that you cast your pearls before swine, but he doesn't know you in real life, and can't make trouble for you.

Deep breath and carry on. You won't make that mistake again.

Oh, sorry OP, this happened to me, just be glad he didn't ghost you and offered and explanation up before you got stood up on your date. The first guy who did this told me he was going back to his girlfriend who had contacted him the night before. I could believe that as some of our deep convos revolved around her. The other one said just as yours did, he was coming off the apps. He blocked me and that was ok as thats how he dealt with it as didn't want any awkward texting after (which I wouldn't have done). I have actually done this to men too. You can get burnt out with online dating and I was just so disappointed with every date the thought of more disappointment was too over whelming for me so bailed just as your beau had. I came off the apps and blocked the gentlemen I was speaking to after my explanations. Its always best to jump as quickly as possible into a date without the hours of texting.

I’m going to guess he’s married and has been caught out or bottled it. Can you do some sleuthing?

It sounds like you’ve only connected via the internet and it’s not like he’s had sex and then ghosted. To ghost at just the speaking stage suggests to me his missus has discovered his apps.

I’m sorry this has happened dating online is an absolute ball ache I hate it. All I will say is with this guy he has done the right thing if it’s genuine and been honest. He could have dated you for 6 months till you got feelings and then disappeared.

You have done absolutely nothing wrong at all.

you cannot form a connection with someone without seeing them in the flesh, smelling them, touching them, feeling their energy. So you fell for an idea, a dream.

This, so much this.

And, while I was reading your OP I was struck by how much I could feel the anxiety. Because that is exactly the kind of thing I would have done. I would have simply got cold feet at the thought of moving on. Online dating is all very well because it’s theoretical. A move to the practical ie meeting in the flesh as it were, is a massive step and sometimes you think you can do it but you simply aren’t ready for it at that time. I’ve been messaging someone today and yesterday and it’s great! He’s amazing, witty, honest, great spelling and grammar and I’m excited to get his messages because for various reasons it’s a non-starter so I know I’m safe and I won’t have to make that next step.

Its really hard. Particularly at the moment when there seems so little to look forward to. But its not you, its him and you have probably dodged a bullet. Online dating is tough!

BlueDays, are you being fair to him though? I'd be upset at somebody wasting my time like that.

BitOfFun

Oh yes it was literally the first thing I said to him. Like imagine if there was a glitch and someone from, say, Australia sent you a message. And you said I’m in London and am not interested in dating long distance. He said ok, but we carried on chatting. It’s not flirty or sexual, it’s really just two lonely people talking about life. He can run all his potential matches by me and I can critique them for him 😂.

Fair enough!

It’s hard when someone rejects you. But I do agree with the others I wouldn’t class this as ghosting.
I would guess that for whatever reason, he’s bottled it as he probably hasn’t been truthful with you. He may be in a relationship, or maybe he has lied/exaggerated about other stuff and things were getting too real? Have you video called him? If not maybe he looks different from his pictures?
You liked the idea of him but it wasn’t the real him. Sadly dating is full of rejections etc so maybe have a break from it for a while.

Sorry to hear this .Seems he may have got cold feet and bottled it .These online sites can sometimes seem to attract men who are either married or in long term RL looking for some kind of extra marital RL. You have not done anything wrong at all , just connecting to someone you liked thats all! Go easy on yourself .My own DD has had a lot of this kind of thing happen to her as well .You are not the first or last .

He love bombed you. It's actually not a good sign when you're never off the phone/computer to them, talking constantly over weeks when you havent even met them. It's not healthy to get that close to someone so fast. But because they are never done messaging you, you end up oversharing.

Think of this as an inoculation. You won't get so hurt again.

Thank you all so much for all your wisdom and kind words.

Ppffw

I just wanted to add that personally I wouldn’t block him back, in case he changes his mind after a while. Honestly, this is such a thing I would do so I can totally see his panic and confusion.

But do carry on talking/meeting up with others if you can.

Good luck!

@Ppffw