Meeting with in-laws you are not keen on

[Rewis]

I have a question to those who don’t like their in laws (Or if their partner doesn’t like your family). There hasn’t been a falling out or anything dramatic. Just not enjoying their company, different sense of humor and generally not feeling comfortable when being around them.

How often do you meet up? Does your partner go on their own and are you cool with that? Do you ever invite them over? Do you ever visit just for fun or just special occasions? If you are not local, do you travel to visit them with your partner? Does the family know that they don’t like them?

I guess I am trying to find out about how your relationship with your in laws work if you don’t particularly enjoy their company and how you navigate this as a couple.

We don't live very close and only see them a few times a year. I know I'm his priority so I can deal with it

ILs moved 10 mins away from us 🙄 so at least we don’t feel obliged to do the 4 hour journey and stay over. DH takes the kids over every now and then. FIL acts like everything is fine and has conveniently forgotten why he doesn’t like me so won’t tell me why. Would never pop over, would be super awkward. So yeah we have had big arguments so not sure if I’m the kind of situation you were interested in. Can’t really go fully NC as I want to facilitate a relationship with the kids and their grandad but he’s on thin ice tbh!

We moved 1,000 miles away and they won't travel. Lucky escape for me!

We are like this.

I love my in laws, but I don't like them very much, if that makes sense.

I suspect they feel the same about me.

I go down every second visit with DH and DS and they usually come up to us once per year.

We are all grown ups who respect each other though so we sort of just crack on with it and grin and bear it. It's important to DH and DS and it's such minimal effort on my part I can't begrudge the time.

Similarly they are good to me, and about me, so there isn't any bad blood as such. We are just very different people with different experiences, preferences, lifestyles, and some values. We do all value family though so that brings us to a common starting point.

PILs were lovely and I was always happy to see them, but for pretty much the first decade of our relationship I struggled to enjoy my SiLs company. They live in another country, so it wasn’t a day to day issue, but she and my DP are very close, so there would be at least a couple of long visits each year. I’d normally duck out of the trips over to visit then, pleading work, or pets - but would do my best to be friendly and hospitable whenever she visited, despite feeling that the gaps between us - age, priorities, core values - were too big to make it possible to have any real friendship. But time seems to have wrought a kind of magic, and I find that 20+ years on I am very, very fond of her, and have my own relationship with her separately to DP. DP and I are even considering moving to live in their part of the world - and I am perfectly happy with that.

Maybe we’ve both mellowed a bit, or maybe I’m just more easygoing and less threatened by her closeness to DP in my late 40s than I was in my 20s. Whatever the reason, it’s nice.

thank you for the responses. My phone couldn't find the thread so I assumed it hadn't posted so I'm getting back to it a bit late. Interesting to hear other POV's.

My situation is that my bf told me that he does not like my family. I had kind of envisioned the role of our families based on my own upbringing and people around me and my head is struggling to adjust.

My bf says that nothing has changed and everyhting is same as before, except that now I know. Whereas my mind immediately went to "disaster mode" with what this means. I have a feeling that I am way overthinking this and I'm overcompensating so badly.

This is still fresh, so I am sure I will adjust. I know I need to adjust my own expectaions and listen to him more and respect his boundaries and comfort. I'm just really cursious on how others have handled the situation.

my bf told me that he does not like my family...

That's a terrible thing to say. If there is nothing wrong with your family,I would regard this as a red flag and find someone else.

Okay, a bit of a correction. He didn't randomly just start a conversation where he let me know that he dislikes my family. We were about to meet meet some family and he was being off and I asked him about it. We had a conversation and that what it was essentially. He did not phraise it like that, it was a lot nicer.

I agree with PP. This can be an isolation tactic by an abuser to control you. Does he like your friends? How long have you been with him? Has he had a row with them? What does he not like about them? Are your family kind and respectful people?

We were about to meet meet some family and he was being off

What does this entail? Has he done this before?

If your family are not rude or disrespectful and are essentially nice people then potentially you need to reevaluate your boyfriend. Who needs to navigate that shit for the rest of their life. Not me. Tell him straight.

Did he say he doesn't like them or that he feels awkward around them / doesn't have much in common with them / finds it hard to talk to them? It's quite dependent on what he actually explained I think.

I appreciate the concern. Like I mentioned in the OP there has not been a falling out or a row. He did not specifically say that he dislikes them. They are just people he does not enjoy spending time with and he feels like he needs to be "on" or prepare himself. I don't think there is a need to be more specific.
At this point I am curious about how people that are not fans of their in laws navigate that relationship.

They are just people he does not enjoy spending time with and he feels like he needs to be "on" or prepare himself.

If you love and value your parents and understand them to be kind and welcoming people - then his role is to be respectful and supportive of your relationship with your family. Is he socially anxious in other situations?

Unless there's something major there, my expectation is that a partner will be accepting of my family and support my relationships with them, just as I would for them.

So that would mean

• sometimes tagging along to family occasions & events and making nice to everyone,
• never making it an issue but being gracious about it
• never making it a choice of them or him
• being supportive when I want to visit them and not put obstacles in my way
• I would do the same in return for his family relationships.

He might not enjoy their company or feel entirely relaxed, but he never will if he cuts them out. I think you can expect a partner to make nice with your family as a kind of basic thing you do for each other.

You don't cut out family. Period.

Each to their own but I'm all about trying for each other's sake when in love.

Ask yourself what will you do for him? Would it hurt you if they came around one day and he just was rude and awkward or unkind. I would speak to him and say (if this is the case for you) that you would want him to have some sort of relationship and try. I mean it's not like you're living with them but the mere fact that it's people you love and care about.

Nobody is cutting out anyone from anyhting. Bf is saying that nothing will change. I am just personally catastrofizing (potnetially) the whole situation cause it was a bit unexpected (retrospectively I should have known). So now I am curious to know how other people are doing this. Like some pp's were sharing earlier . Like in the op I mentioned how holidays are handled, if they visit you or do you visit them, do you holiday together, attend big events etc. These are not things bf has refused to do. Just trying to understand what others do and use that go adjust my mind set for when we talk about this again.

Like in the op I mentioned how holidays are handled, if they visit you or do you visit them, do you holiday together, attend big events etc. These are not things bf has refused to do
It just feels like you're prepared to put a lot of weight on his mild discomfort? I guess it depends how close with your family you are and how much time you all spend together presently.

• Eg. I probably wouldn't expect him to go on holiday with your family every year, but if there was a special one-off one, I'd want him to.
• Your family should definitely be welcome in your home. Not maybe popping in and out of each other's houses, but invited.
• He should tag along to important family events.

It's like a balance between him making an effort with your family as well as you being sensitive to his discomfort.

If you're very happily super-close-knit with your family and do the popping in and out of each other's houses thing, then I'd be loathe to give that up for a man.

I did tell DH that I didn't like his family once, but I also told them to their faces too. I'd had a massive row with MIL and FIL, and I was just sick of them all.

A few years on, we're pretty much fine. Like a PP said, but flipped on its head, I don't love them, but I like them, and they would say the same I think. We're very different people from extremely different backgrounds (i'm more feisty and abrupt - I won't take any shit off of them, whereas they're very meek, and bottle up their issues with you until they explode). I go round and enjoy myself when i'm there, but if I ever don't want to see them, I just don't go. Simple as that really.

OP my in laws drive me crazy. No falling out, they are just very intense and the complete opposite of the family I grew up in. I find them very hard work to be around and am completely drained by spending time with them.

We live a good few hours apart so seeing them always involves an overnight trip. I try to minimise the number of nights with them, but generally I just suck it up and get on with it a few times a year. I would love it if my DH went to see them without me, they're no more interested in me than I am in them, it would suit everyone for him and the kids to go and see them without me. He refuses though, I think because he finds them as irritating and intense as I do.

We used to live much closer which was actually easier as there were no overnight trips involved. A day is fine, longer is tough.

I would try to make sure you keep meeting your family with and without him. Remember that they aren't his family and he isn't theirs, the feeling is potentially mutual

I've never particularly liked my dp's parents. There's nothing wrong with them but we have nothing in common apart from my dp and my dd. I would never have made any effort to get to know them if they didn't happen to be related to dp or dd.

I've never said this to dp as I know that it would hurt his feelings.

His mum literally lives a few minutes walk from us (his dad died a couple of years ago). When dd was little, I used to pop round with her a few times a week (she was the centre of attention which made conversation easier). I stopped doing that once she was old enough to walk down on her own. Dd and dp will call round (separately) several times a week.

Dp's always invited his parents to come round to us for dinner on Mother's Day, Father's Day and Christmas Day. Because they're so local, visits don't generally have to be a big thing. Dd and dp pop in frequently for chats or if something needs doing.

I don't go down on my own very often. Dp sometimes reminds me and tells me that his mum would like to see me so that prompts me into making the effort. When I do go down, we sometimes struggle for something to say to each other. She ends up updating me about people that I don't know and I ask a few questions to keep her going. I genuinely can't work out if she does like me and would really like to see me (can't work out why she would want to see me if we have nothing to talk about) or if she just gets offended because she thinks I'm neglecting her. I'm autistic which always makes things like this trickier to work out.

OP: unless there is some specific reason, like the family are toxic or openly hostile and aggressive, you get on with it like a grown up.

Family is family. DH and I come from wildly different backgrounds. It was really hard to navigate and feel comfortable, but while that was happening we retained our good manners and respect, were secure enough not to take things personally, and both had respect for people being different. In time you come to have affection.

If people are so selfish and touchy and judgemental that they can’t spend time with the family if the person they love.... then they are just that. Selfish, lacking in respect and manners, and will make life awkward.

Disclaimer about racism or anything else targeted at the partner, or hostile stuff as above.

I'm not a big fan of my in-laws. I visit slightly less than dh but otherwise life is normal.

I don’t like my in laws much. Luckily MIL lives about 2000 miles away and rarely travels back to the UK. FIL lives about 400 miles away and he’s very unsociable so only see him once a year or so.
My family are all very nice friendly people and I know DP likes them but he doesn’t have anything in common with any of them so he prefers to just see them for dinner once a month which seems like a fair compromise to me.

What are your parents like?

How would you like it to be?

What are YOUR needs and expectations here from him?

Are you shocked and disappointed? Are you able to communicate your feelings and needs to him?

What do you mean with the should have known / retrospective comment?