Meeting with in-laws you are not keen on

[Rewis]

I have a question to those who don’t like their in laws (Or if their partner doesn’t like your family). There hasn’t been a falling out or anything dramatic. Just not enjoying their company, different sense of humor and generally not feeling comfortable when being around them.

How often do you meet up? Does your partner go on their own and are you cool with that? Do you ever invite them over? Do you ever visit just for fun or just special occasions? If you are not local, do you travel to visit them with your partner? Does the family know that they don’t like them?

I guess I am trying to find out about how your relationship with your in laws work if you don’t particularly enjoy their company and how you navigate this as a couple.

We visit about 4 or 5 times a year. Same with mine, it's not that we have fallen out but we are just very different people. I find myself being subdued around them. They have a lot of money but talk about it a lot which even my DH has said he finds very crass, as they only do it in company.
They also take everything very seriously (unless its scoffing at someone else)
For instance, my baby had just started walking and was very wobbly.
I made a comment saying " she's been on the wine"
My MIL said "have you actually given her wine?"
I said " No, I've not"
MIL " then why did you say you had?"
Then I feel like an idiot!
So I basically dont show my real personality around them as I always end up feeling stupid!

If I was your DP, I would just go and get the visits over with! I'm sure he can fake it for a few hours!

I have the kind of relationship you describe with my in laws - they are perfectly okay and could be a lot worse, but I find them annoying at times and have to bite my tongue a lot while I'm with them. Similarly my DH isn't crazy about my parents! (Who I think are lovely!)

My in laws live nearly 2 hours away. In non covid times we would see them for a weekend approx once every two months. My parents live closer, so we see them more frequently but for a day rather than a weekend.

I struggle with my IL's. They're nice people but their conversation revolves around stupid political related stories on morning breakfast news, local gossip (even though they're in a big city their suburb is like a small town) and their favourite football team which I have no interest in. We now have a child so they're going to up the visits, and provide terrible out dated advice. We live in different cities but I have anxiety going back to their hometown where my DP grew up.

A lot of it stems from a death in the family a few years ago and we had to live there for about 3 months. I think I just hate being so out of control and constantly having to talk about all the topics above while particularly the FIL says super dumb things which are from being a product of his era and spending his whole life in 1 place.

I know how you feel. This might make you feel better as I probably have worse thoughts such as having fantasies about ex partners parents who I enjoyed spending time with. If only I could swap around partners and their parents.

If your family aren't actually nasty to him, I think he should view the problem as lying with him and make more effort to get to know them.

As far as I'm concerned, family is about mixing with people one might choose not to - although in general, I like most people anyway. As a child we had to visit relatives I felt uncomfortable with. Looking back it was because I didn't see them enough to become familiar and at ease with them.

Before I married, I had boyfriends whose parents I didn't much like - or to be more accurate, felt uncomfortable with. One lot were nice but had very little conversation - I stayed with them a few times as I knew my bf from uni and our families lived a long way apart. I recall long wet winter walks just to get out of their house.

Another had a step mum who was downright rude to me. She would also get out of bed to come down to the living room late at night to check on what we were up to! (Both early 20s!)

My actual inlaws (now dead) were lovely, thankfully. But I did find my bil (sister's DH) very annoying to start with. I thought he was being rude, but now 25 years later, realise he's possibly on the ASD spectrum, and just expresses himself awkwardly. We've had many over night stays and been on holidays together- I'm fond of him now, although he is still not my favourite person to talk to.

Your partner should make the effort out of respect for you. And it really would have been better if he had never said anything - there wasn't any need. He could have asked you for ideas for topics for conversation etc instead. No one likes someone else to criticise their family. (My brother is a bit "different" and when I was younger I had some friends tell me so - I still remember how hurtful it was.)

My MIL made it very clear from day 1 that she didn’t like me and that lasted for 30+ years. FIL was fine.
I somehow managed to be civil to her but was very relieved when we moved from 5 minutes away to 17 miles!

I feel the same as your DP. ILs are perfectly nice but there’s always drama (ex wives, step children, gossip) and it makes me anxious. I started to gently withdraw but PILs always ‘demand’ everyone turns up for events rather than invites. I started to get a few nagging calls if I said I was busy. This just made me want to go even less! I honestly don’t know if it was the right thing for me though as I now get really strong anxiety before every ILs gathering I do attend because of the comments and the complaints about never seeing me.

MIL has always detested me but FIL is nice enough. Both are very negative people and thrive on controversy, gossip and drama. They are draining to be around frankly and I have to really force myself.

A PP said, this, which I think is the right way to look at it:

"So that would mean

• sometimes tagging along to family occasions & events and making nice to everyone,
• never making it an issue but being gracious about it
• never making it a choice of them or him
• being supportive when I want to visit them and not put obstacles in my way
• I would do the same in return for his family relationships."

Thank you for all the responses. It is great to read real life examples. It is making me feel a lot better!