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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I get him to leave? (sorry, bit long)

51 replies

princesshobnob · 19/10/2007 13:25

I've posted before under this name, about my dp who is a cocaine addict. I've told him countless times he has to get help and stop or leave, and stupidly I haven't followed through - he's all contrite and sweet afterwards, and it always feels almost like the occasion when he did it was just a bad dream, and once he's back to normal I find it hard to be strong enough to get him out.

However, I have definitely reached the end of my tether. I made it quite clear on Sunday that if I found he'd contacted anyone dodgy, barricaded himself in his room, or did anything that made me believe he'd done it again, he'd have to go. On Tuesday he spent £360, was uncontactable for about 11 hours, and when he came in, barricaded himself in room, til he woke me up to keep him company in his paranoid moments.

I've told him to pack and go, but he just won't budge! I feel like the only way is to pack all his stuff, chuck it out the door, and bolt it. But I just want him to go normally! He's trying to make me feel guilty that he's nowhere to go / that his job is stressful and this isn't what he needs (like he's thinking of his job etc when he does this!!)

I just can't make him realise what he's doing. He always begs for yet another chance, but I've given him far too many already.

Don't really know what anyone can say to help, but just want to rant a bit really, and vent my frustrated feelings. Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
Original poster
princesshobnob · 21/10/2007 23:12

thank you all. He's still ringing the doorbell continuously, and shoutng my name.
trying to tell me his phones are in the house - I called him on one at 6, and he wasn't here then. dd stirred a bit, she's gone back to sleep, but can't believe he's so selfish. Well I can. He always is

OP posts:
madamez · 21/10/2007 23:25

If he's making this much of a row, with any luck, someone else will call the police. Failing that, call them anonymously to report a 'disturbance' if you don;t want to shop him yourself. Getting moved on or nicked if he behaves stupidly might even give him a bit of a jolt into looking at his behaviour.
Then look up the helplines for families of addicts and call one of them to get some support and advice for yourself. You've done the right thing in kicking him out. You are not obliged to live with an addict, especially one who is making no effort to sort himself out. It will be hard, but you need to put your and your DC's safety and wellbeing first.

Snowhite · 21/10/2007 23:26

Tell him if he does not leave in 5 mins you will call the police. Don't give in to him you have got this far and this time he will know you are serious.

xxx

Original poster
princesshobnob · 21/10/2007 23:44

i think he's finally gone. Refused to let him in, took his phone / chargers in through the window, charged them a bit for him. He went in the end, then phoned me - he tells me he wishes he'd never become involved with me! That if he'd known I'd be like this would never have bought a flat with me! That I'm abusing my power in making him go. And that he never locked me out of his house when we lived there.

Can addicts just not comprehend the problems they cause?

I've put up with him spending vast amounts of cash we cannot afford, being uncontactable, lying endlessly, barricading himself in rooms, even with dd knocking on door calling ot daddy, having paranoia, expecting me to have sex with him when he's high, cos drugs equal sex to him, ask me to go out at any time of evening to get money for some necessity for him, that turns out to be drugs (he doesn't have access to cash cos of his prob).

In fact cannot believe I have put up with it for so long.

But I asked him to leave, he didn't so I made him go. That's not unreasonable is it????

He seems to have the power to make me doubt eerything that logically I believe is right

OP posts:
Tortington · 21/10/2007 23:49

you did the right thing. well done

Snowhite · 21/10/2007 23:52

They make me so mad when things are not going there way they turn it all around and blame you, making you doubt that what you are doing is right. DP does this all the time I even ended up on anti D's because he actually made me beleive that I was the one with the problem .

You are not being reasonable at all you have gave all the chances and nothing has changed.

xxx

expatinscotland · 21/10/2007 23:52

you did the right thing.

contact narcotics anonymous and see if there's a support group for partners/former partners of addicts in your area.

i'm sorry you went through this.

Snowhite · 21/10/2007 23:56

so sorry meant to say unreasonable.

Original poster
princesshobnob · 21/10/2007 23:59

thanks for your support. I know we had to separate. I can't live with the suspicion, and the dread of when it'll happen again.
Everyone here has helped me do this, because otherwise I might just have given in again.

I feel really tearful now. I've had such a shit year, mum died unexpectedly, recently had a miscarriage, now all this. I'm a sahm as well, so now have to sort out how to live til house is sold.

I;m dreading him going on at me about how awful I am to do this as well.

OP posts:
Original poster
princesshobnob · 22/10/2007 00:00

cannot believe it, he's come back again. will this never end

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 22/10/2007 00:09

call the police.

get an injunction tomorrow.

he is a DRUG ADDICT.

he uses and keeps drugs in the house.

what would happen to you and yours if you let him back in and police came over and found him with coke on him?

or he didn't pay his dodgy dealer so the guy came around?

Tortington · 22/10/2007 00:10

call the fucking police

Tortington · 22/10/2007 00:10

its been going on since 10.40 for gods sake.

you need to call the police.

expatinscotland · 22/10/2007 00:11

call the police before one of your neighbours does.

oh, that'd be a whole lot of extra trouble and you'd have social services around because of your 'domestic'.

he's not worth it.

call the police.

Tortington · 22/10/2007 00:12

expat is right - you dont want SS to get involved.

expatinscotland · 22/10/2007 00:12

seriously, i'd be so fucking pissed off if some mother fucking cokehead were outside my neighbours door screaming down the place at fucking 12.12 on a Monday morning i'd ring the polis.

Beenleigh · 22/10/2007 00:21

oh you poor thing, what a nightmare, sounds like you;re being really brave. Keep that resolve, you need to be strong for the next half, and p hour, and probably the half hour after that (until he goes), but don;t give up now, you've done so well tonight! Don;t whatever you do let him in!

Beenleigh · 22/10/2007 00:35

how's it going?

lemonstartree · 22/10/2007 09:29

hope you are OK.

please stick to what you KNOW is right. It is very very hard in the beginning , I seemed to need almost constant reassurance from everyone that I was doing the right thing, probably because he had brainwashed me so successfully

Its better now.

truly much much better

hugs x

lemonstartree · 22/10/2007 19:43

Are you ok ????

really hope things are alright for you

x

jasper · 22/10/2007 20:12

please let us know if you are okay

Original poster
princesshobnob · 22/10/2007 21:44

I am OK, sort of, but am stupid stupid stupid. He came back and said he couldn't get hold of his friends, it was freezing, could he come in, and would leave today.
So stupidly let him in - actually, for once he hadn't done anything, was just pissed... once he was in, it's like he thinks all is ok - even thought I'd sleep with him.

Then tonight he didn't go to a ca meeting I'd found out about for him, cos had had a long day and depressed at idea of not living here. When he came in, said he wanted me to give him 1 more chance, all would be different.

I've said I don't ant to give him another chance because I've done that too many times ... he's trying to tell me it's not been clear enough in the past that it's been 1 more chance!!!

He's blaming me for everything saying what a baby I am, how he doesn't want to be with me anyway now, but I should let him stay and give him another chance. Says if I don't let him stay, there's no point in sorting himselft out, no point going to work, might as just well do lots of coke.

I've said he should do it for dd.

We've just been shouting at each other, and now he's gone out to see one of his mates who does it too.

I'm finding it very hard to feel anything but hate for him right now.

I don't want to give him another chance, and endure him letting me down again. He's not stopped in last 2.5 years, why should I believe it'll change now, just cos he was out on doorstep for an hour, and maybe finally believes I mean it.

He seems to swap between trying charm, and then blaming me and telling me how fucking stupid I am.

But I am right aren't I. It sounds pathetic that I doubt it, but I do sometimes

OP posts:
Hekate · 22/10/2007 21:48

barricade the door. Don't let him back in and call the police if he comes back and starts banging. Throw all his belongings into the front garden.

Just bin him. You have given him umpteen chances. TBH, no wonder he thinks you are all hot air - every time you've said this before it's come to nothing.

It's like with kids - an empty threat is a waste of your words. Either do it or don't bother threatening it.

I am not saying that to be mean to you, really I'm not, but the simple fact is, tough as it is, you need to put up or shut up. (kick him out or stop threatening to)

You CAN do it. You ARE strong enough. Believe in yourself.

Beenleigh · 22/10/2007 22:24

hekate's right!
Good luck

ginnedupumpkin · 22/10/2007 22:51

Don't for a minute think any of this is your fault. it absolutely is not.
Please don't let him back in - every time you do he will think he can do what he likes and you will get weaker and weaker.
If he comes knocking tonight read back over this thread and remember

IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.