Online dating, are these people serious?! Feeling so shit

[Derryse]

This is how it seems to go:

Married but tell you into the date/phone call...’oh but she wouldn’t have sex for months before last week so it’s not really a new break up.’

Profile says ‘no dramatic women.’ Urgh what a cunt.

Last person I actually met up with for dinner would ask me a question then proceed to ignore me when I answered: picked up his phone, looked intently at his food or smiling at others in the restaurant

Man before that joked he could be a house husband as I must be earning a lot, would I be getting dinner?

Recent chat with someone who started crying half way through the call telling me they had ptsd. I was kind to them but then it also appeared they were drunk. Just wondering on this, what would you have done in that scenario?!

Met someone lovely a while back who, when we sat down for dinner, started talking about his ex and then the awful dynamic between his parents. That was literally the whole topic.

There was a man who, when I said I could afford to get an Uber there and back (50 quid I didn’t fancy spending), he told me to put it on my credit card. Erm no I can just drive and not drink.

Guy who said I was weird for not wanting to have a drink.

Guy who slagged off his ex wife saying she was crazy and wouldn’t focus on losing weight so it was impossible to find her attractive. He was 22 stone and under 6ft. She was a size 14.

There’s been loads more. Lots where the profile says they want to move aboard, (age 38) so why the fuck online date if you plan on fucking off. Others say ‘drama free.’ Others saying they want someone who doesn’t or does wear make up.

I’m feeling so low. I am 37!!!! How am I going to find someone like this?! I have tried paid sites but there’s barely anyone on them.

It seems like there’s no nice men left.

Oh also the man who said he was 7 years younger than he was. He said it was justified as he didn’t look his age.

And the man who said he was 6ft 2. He was well under 6ft. Why fucking lie.

Ughhh. Sounds grim OP. I'm in the process of separating and while I have no desire to date anyone for quite some time I do dread the day I start looking for another relationship as it all seems so bleak out there!

It's just dire. I keep coming across men who are so flaky, they want to text loads at first and then disappear. Some meet up for a coffee and then want you to do all the texting and chasing afterwards. And a lot of men pretending they want long term relationships but just really want casual. So disheartening

It’s so depressing OP. The dating scene is dire

I had one today. 3 texts in asked me my bust and dress size...block no thank you

Well some of them sound like dicks but I do think you can’t criticise people for saying up front that they plan to move abroad ..they can still date? What’s wrong with stating personal preferences ie no make up.?

Its grim. I did it for a year but stopped as realised it was seriously affecting my opinions on men. A lot on it see it as a shop of women that they are entitled to. Endless choice, putting requests on their profiles etc. I'm much happier without it.

However if I wish I had been more merciless about what I wanted instead of going on second dates with clear red flags from the first one or going on first dates when clear red flags on the phone.

I know some people have found love on it but for me it eroded the idea and actuality if romance.

Never again. I'd rather be single forever.

You need to be pickier about who you go on dates with in the first place. That’s not meant to be critical of you, but a prompt: raise your standards so that you aren’t accepting dates just because the man seems nice enough or it’s the only half-decent message you’ve had in a while. I don’t imagine all of these men were funny, considerate, communicative, absolutely no red flags waving before you agreed to a date and then suddenly turned into totally different horrors moments before they met you.

For what it’s worth, all my male friends who OLD also have countless bad experiences with the women they meet - ranging from photos so filtered that the woman who turns up is several dress sizes bigger, has a different shaped face and looks a decade older; women who expect to be treated all evening because “they’re the prize”; women who are clearly looking for a sugar daddy; women who are clearly looking for an actual daddy for their kids and just about anyone will do. I tell them the same thing - raise your standards and stop agreeing to dates with people who seem iffy beforehand.

These are my delightful findings from the past year;

Lying about age and height. Always the height.

Specifying a certain dress size and level of attractiveness whilst bearing a strong resemblance to Shrek themselves.

Stating that they're laid back and chilled and they don't want drama = they're lazy and don't want you to complain about it.

Saying all the women on there are crazy = they wont send nudes to him or talk dirty.

Constantly trying to turn the conversation to sex even when you directly tell them not to, block!

"Its complicated" = I'm still married and looking to play away.

"I want to travel the world" but you have said you have 3 kids under 5, how will that work?

"Partner in crime" yawn!

"Looking for my princess to spoil" =I'm a mysonogistic twat who expects you to be perfect.

I may sound cynical I'm just very disillusioned!

I've been for the most part happily single for 8 and a half years, but have dabbled in online dating from time to time since 2016. Nobody I've come across so far makes me want to NOT be single.

@MrsGrindah maybe I’m being too harsh on that one then. I just can’t imagine having on my profile:

no hair gel

For example.

I find it rude dictating make up preferences - the implication usually being that if you wear make up you’re not going to be into walking or being out etc etc. I wear make up up snowdon thanks very much and no I don’t want it to be a request that it’s worn!

So I think any comment on appearance like that is fucking rude. I also can’t imagine setting up a profile and saying ‘only men who work out and aren’t fat.’ I’m slim but would never date a man who said that about women and my god there’s plenty of those online too!

@Mermaidwaves what a wonderful summary of every man I have come across online in the last few weeks.

The princess to spoil... absolutely that. Where’s my arm candy I can abuse more like.

@ComtesseDeSpair that is interesting...whereabouts are they dating? Just wondering if it’s london or a city or more remote.

Are these men decent themselves? I assume so if you’re friends with them!

What would people have done with the one crying about ptsd and was clearly drunk? Would you have just hung up?!

@Derryse yes the princess seekers who want to spoil you..... when you delve deeper into that thought process its really alarming, one guy wanted to take me out and wine and dine me, but only if I wore stockings and heels

I've quit looking cba with that shite. I went on two disastrous dates and that was enough for me made me happy to be single.

Which site are you on OP?

I completely lost the will with it. Then signed up on one in a rash impulse. DH chased me as I was so disillusioned by that point. And I’m so glad he did, now we are married and have a ds

We’re London based, but I don’t think it’s necessarily regional.

Out of nosiness I’ve occasionally changed my own settings to look at the profiles of women in my age and location bracket and I’ve seen plenty of profiles saying things like “no beards, yuck” or “must be at least 6 foot ‘cos I love my heels, lol” (or worse, “I don’t date short guys, sorry”) or “no dad bods, I like my man to keep himself looking good” or “I want to be treated like a princess 👑” or “if you can’t handle me at my worst then you don’t deserve me at my best” and all manner of other things which are no better than a man making equally rude statements.

The crying guy, if we’d had good rapport in messages beforehand and he’d seemed like a genuine nice guy and I was feeling charitable I’d probably say that he obviously wasn’t ready to have a date right now so let’s call it a wrap and maybe try another time. Otherwise, I’d just say the first bit without the part about another time and hang up.

I’m not saying any of this is acceptable, it isn’t from either sex: I’m saying as I said in my first message, to be pickier about who you choose to date in the first place because nobody suddenly goes from seeming articulate and interesting and a good communicator to a horror story date, and if you’re having endless horrible dates, you’re not being selective enough.

@Welcometonowhere tinder hinge and bumble though only use one at a time and deactivate the others. Are there better ones? I’ve used match and paid ones before and barely anyone on it

I found DH (lol) on elite singles. It WAS costly, because I had to pay upfront for six months, but I’d reached a point where I was either going to sink into bitter loneliness and childlessness or I wasn’t. I did find the quality of men on there pretty good, which sounds awful but you know what I mean.

Realistically for me (I was 37 when I met DH) it was do or die in a sense. I had an awful lot to deal with as a teen/young adult and I certainly didn’t prioritise meeting anyone and I wouldn’t have trusted them even if I had. By the time I emerged from that, and became the rather nice woman I think I am really () my friends were coupled up and were starting to have children.

Being single is always better than being in an unhappy relationship but there is a bit of a taboo about being unhappily single, I think - you can be happily single or happily married or unhappily married and will get support but try saying on here you’re single and lonely and you get pounced on! For me, I wanted a family, I wanted children and I didn’t want to do that alone (it’s excruciatingly expensive for one thing.)

So here I am, and I’d have rolled my eyes at me even two years ago but it is worth pushing through. I told DH not long after we met I was difficult to win over but once won over I was there for life.

@ComtesseDeSpair I'm thinking that phrases like this on profiles are actually really useful...to weed out those I would never want to meet!

Doesn't wear make up or does? Does that mean they don't mind either way, or was it a typo?

@Welcometonowhere that is really nice to hear. I'm a bit terrified of being alone forever. It is true that there is almost shame around admitting you are unhappy single. I shall try elite singles! x

@ponia are you going to try it?! I might too in that case... deep breath...

@Derryse yeah what's the harm I guess. Especially at Christmas, its so hard to be single - everything seems to revolve around couples....

I am an odd case. Went on Tinder and married the first person I met. We are very happy and he was genuine from the start.

I realise the planet's must have been very aligned in my favour for this to happen, but just to give a different perspective.

I was 100 miles away from him when we matched and we both think the fact that we spoke on the phone for 3 months before we got to dtd for the first time (although we did meet up twice fir dinner,) was one of the reasons this was so successful.

One of the worst ones I ever read requested a thin, attractive woman (younger than him of course) who would like to hang out in said man's wood working shop during the day then magically transform at night by putting on a sexy dress and heels.