Online dating, are these people serious?! Feeling so shit

[Derryse]

This is how it seems to go:

Married but tell you into the date/phone call...’oh but she wouldn’t have sex for months before last week so it’s not really a new break up.’

Profile says ‘no dramatic women.’ Urgh what a cunt.

Last person I actually met up with for dinner would ask me a question then proceed to ignore me when I answered: picked up his phone, looked intently at his food or smiling at others in the restaurant

Man before that joked he could be a house husband as I must be earning a lot, would I be getting dinner?

Recent chat with someone who started crying half way through the call telling me they had ptsd. I was kind to them but then it also appeared they were drunk. Just wondering on this, what would you have done in that scenario?!

Met someone lovely a while back who, when we sat down for dinner, started talking about his ex and then the awful dynamic between his parents. That was literally the whole topic.

There was a man who, when I said I could afford to get an Uber there and back (50 quid I didn’t fancy spending), he told me to put it on my credit card. Erm no I can just drive and not drink.

Guy who said I was weird for not wanting to have a drink.

Guy who slagged off his ex wife saying she was crazy and wouldn’t focus on losing weight so it was impossible to find her attractive. He was 22 stone and under 6ft. She was a size 14.

There’s been loads more. Lots where the profile says they want to move aboard, (age 38) so why the fuck online date if you plan on fucking off. Others say ‘drama free.’ Others saying they want someone who doesn’t or does wear make up.

I’m feeling so low. I am 37!!!! How am I going to find someone like this?! I have tried paid sites but there’s barely anyone on them.

It seems like there’s no nice men left.

I had one guy go nuclear and block me because he asked if I was talking to anyone else and I said yes. I think we'd chatted for a week and he was full of three word answers, no real conversation.

Thing was at the start of the chatting, if said I wasn't talking to him exclusively, and I'd let him know if and when that changed whilst I was laying out what I was looking for and my expectation of chatting with him.

All i can think it's "exclusively" wasn't a word he understood. Fortunately if he hadn't blocked me, I was intending on blocking him, so that was fine by me.

Oh god. @Mermaidwaves is spot on. I could write a book about awful profiles 😂
In my case I just find the whole thing amusing, if something doesn’t work out I see it as a story to tell my friends. I understand it can make you feel crap but honestly it’s not you!
I not drinking on a date is sensible, in fact I have a ‘sober first date’ rule. Mainly cos it helps weed out the idiots who don’t respect that decision. Also I automatically swipe no to ANY profile with any negativity on it - we all have things we don’t want but most of us are too polite to shout about it. Try and be glad that these men show their true colours before you get too involved.

I can only offer and sadly not any wisdom due to my current open post. I'm looking to meet men in person again in places like the gym etc after lockdown. Having said this, there are people that meet and it works out. I'm sorry I have no advice, just here saying that I'm sort of going through the same experience. Wishing you all the best.

Profile says ‘no dramatic women.’
That is such a dramatic thing to put on your profile 😂
I dunno, I found that type of profile helpful, saves wasting time.
Generally see it as a huge pond of duckweed but if you filter it out you might find someone else like you in there, also working away hard with the filter on their side. Just ignore the duckweed as best you can meanwhile. Of course there are loads of idiots out there. Look at who people elect to government. You're effectively going out on the street and talking to random men, without even getting a good look at them first. Some have mental health issues, some are just not hugely intelligent. That's how it is with random men.

PTSD guy, yes, be kind but end quickly - "Oh, you poor thing! You go and sober out now, and go and see your GP again. I'm going now, take care."

Just remembered when I was very young, well before the Internet, answering a lonely hearts ad. He sent me a photo of himself in a dirty t-shirt holding a beer. Not my type at all. I couldn't think what to write back, so in modern parlance I ghosted him ... he wrote again later asking for his photo back and I ignored it. Same old problems even back then :)

Kakiweewee I had one guy go nuclear and block me because he asked if I was talking to anyone else and I said yes. I think we'd chatted for a week and he was full of three word answers, no real conversation.

I can outdo that. I was talking to a man for 2 days, had exchanged about 12 short messages, and he suddenly turned a bit strange. He questioned me in an aggressive way "Just how many men are you talking to on here?" and made a couple of sarcastic remarks. It was clear he had found my FB profile and gone right through it, because one of his sarcastic remarks was about not liking compliments and I'd posted something TWO YEARS EARLIER about creepy men contacting you on FB with fake compliments.

I didn't bother to reply; I just blocked him.

That experience actually made me delete Tinder.

I met my exH on Tinder, years ago. Was my first data ha! Marriage didn't work out but I still think he's a great guy.

I've had one LTR after my divorce, also off Tinder. And now seeing someone I met on Bumble. Also had a lot of fun casual fuck buddy type dates off the apps - no one really terrible. I have met a few arseholes, the kind who flake, or are just drama - but I met guys like them in my teens and 20s too, away from apps. You have to expect there will be good and bad and terrible when dating. Even the Sex and the City girls (before the apps) met some truly awful men.

I have had weird dates or ones where they just didn't click, but I don't take it personally. I forget about them quickly and move on. No sexy photos of me on there either. Enough so they can tell my general body shape but nothing revealing, mostly of me doing hobbies - that detracts a lot of the chancers and creeps I find.

Am mid 30s now and would say the quality does decline the older you get. A lot more baggage to wade through as well - which is why the vetting needs to be even more stringent. I can normally tell by the way they ask questions, or length of paragraphs (avoid anyone with one line answers), if they're going to be sleaze or not.

I'm VERY picky about who I match or go on a date with though. If I can't find them on social media before the date, or don't have enough information on whether we have similar values, I don't bother carrying on the conversation. If someone isn't asking to meet after a few days of messaging, I avoid. I tend to pick men based on whether I feel they're the sort of person I'd meet in my social network, or doing my hobbies - so I know we'll have SOMETHING in common. Should also say I will sleep with them on the first or second date, if I think there's potential - that way I don't waste time on bad sexual chemistry. But because I initiate the sex, I don't get upset it I never hear from them again - i assume I won't hear from anyone until sat in front of them on a second date!

Online dating like all dating is tough. There's no guarantee you'll meet someone. But if you can do it without getting angry or bitter, and just shrug off the bad experiences, you'll enjoy it more I think. I've been on it for on-off 2 years now, take breaks when I'm fed up. But still think it's a great way to meet different people, and figure out better what you want from a partner.

I can relate OP being a similar age.

In fairness I have a couple of lovely male friends who have told me some horrific online dating stories of their own (one woman who turned up to the date heavily pregnant without any prior mention being a particular low!).

I think with online dating you're naturally going to get a lot more undesirables especially as we get older.

I have pretty much given up at this point.

@coronaway "I think with online dating you're naturally going to get a lot more undesirables especially as we get older."

Wait until you're late 40s! That said in my nearly two years post separation I've made a couple of good friends and had some flings which were fun at the time as well as some interesting chats. On the whole the good outweighs the bad although it takes a lot of swiping through people I would never be interested in.

However I have been married and have had my children, I'm not looking for a life partner. If you are, I can absolutely see how online dating could be soul destroying.