I've decided to leave.

[TomBurkesChestHairBrush]

Been married 20 years. I've been unwell for a long portion of it, with pregnancy related disabilities (now recovered) and a mental health issue triggered by a groping incident from a friend of my husband. It was ok while I was meekly being looked after, as a rather pathetic victim, and he was the very brave husband who had to look after an ill wife.

Since I've begun to recover, over the last five years, his resentment and frustration has grown at seeing me flourish as I've returned to work, lost weight, become much more confident and made friends. He's intensely difficult to live with - I'm not a paragon of virtue, but I don't shift my mood within seconds so that no one knows whether I'm going to be sullen and moody or sweetness and light. I'm consistently on edge whenever I hear him, because I'm trying to discern if he's slamming doors or being calm and happy, as I'll need to tailor my tone accordingly.

Trying to deal with this over the past few years has sapped any desire I ever had to try and work at it, and I'm done. I have been sleeping in the spare room for ages. I know he'll want counselling, but every time I've tried to have a conversation with him about anything, he just gets defensive. He puts on a great show for everyone outside the family, so I know he'd make all the right noises in any counselling session, would probably insist on Christian counselling because he's a church goer, and I know the pressure would fall back on me to acquiesce.

And honestly, I am a bit scared. He's being amenable at the moment, because I've been keeping myself to myself, so he's decided to start ironing (with much fanfare, of course) and he keeps popping into work at the end of my shift, and it just feels like he's ramping up the positive attention because he senses something. I know that at any moment it will abruptly stop and there'll be an incident of temper.

Anyway, point is, I am sick of being unhappy. I am weary of living like this. So I've spoken to a friend, finally, about how awful things have been, and we've been talking about what I need to do.

But I'd really appreciate a hand hold, and any advice would be welcome. This has been a long time coming and I'm not sure how I feel.

I didn’t want to read and run (but I am mostly bloody useless with real advice)
But OP I just wanted to say how tremendously brave you are, Good on you not settling for being bloody miserable anymore!
I’m glad you’ve got a friend to support you and I really wish you all the very best x

I have no advice as such except nobody should live on eggshells. It's miserable and I'm glad you've decided you're not doing it any longer.

He sounds like he's emotionally abusive. Abusers often get worse if you leave.

Develop a thick skin if you think he might tell friends and relatives how upset he is and how bewildered he is and how ungrateful you are and so on.

Don't go for counselling unless it's some kind of helping you to split up amicably type of counselling. I suspect any other type would be used against you.

I guess it's normal to feel churned up? I've woken up this morning feeling really bad that I'm going to hurt him.

I give you full credit for writing about this, that alone must have been very difficult. Abuse like you describe does thrive on secrecy, do continue to start opening up to people.

It is normal to feel churned up. He has not felt at all bad about hurting you though through the use of power and control against you (that is what lies at the heart of abuse) You were targeted by him and deliberately so; he saw something that he can and has indeed exploited for his own ends. He has and continues to behave abusively towards you and that likely further ramped up after marriage and childbirth too. The nice/nasty cycle of abuse he is showing you is a continuous one.

If you are UK based I would certainly contact Womens Aid as they also can and will help you. I would also try and seek legal advice if you can too re divorce. Your H as your abuser will do everything he can to keep you by his side (because he likes having you around to abuse) so he will make divorce as long and protracted as possible as "punishment" to you for leaving him because in his eyes he thinks he is a perfect God fearing Christian man. He really wants to keep you in a cage of his own making.

Like practically all abusive men, he is probably quite plausible to those in the outside world (though I would think that one or two people have their own private based suspicions about him).

Do not undergo any form of joint counselling; it is also never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. My guess too is that your H further manipulated the counsellor you write of and so his side was mainly heard, you likely had no voice in those sessions. Certainly do not see that person again.

How old are your children here?. What do they think of their dad?.

Op you can do this. And do remember that you will feel a huge range of emotions. You’ll think you’re making a mistake, you’ll want to stay, you’ll miss him, you’ll hate him.

It’s all so normal. But getting out of this relationship will be so so worth it in the end. No one deserves to live like this and you will be happier. I’ve recently come out the other side of something similar, and I still have wobbly days, but I am so much happier without him.

How old are your children? Make sure you have copies of absolutely everything - financial, to do with the house, savings etc.

To be clear, we haven't had any counselling. I just know how it would play out if it was suggested.

Our children are 13 upwards, and one is an adult now. They love their dad, but they can see what he is like, and are wary of his temper. The eldest at home pushes back against it quite a lot, especially when he's horrible to the dog. They're my main worry, really. I know I've resisted facing this for so long because I've been trying to keep thinks as stable as possible.

It's good for your children to learn that people don't have to stay in difficult relationships. It's good for them to learn you can still love a person but find their behaviour unacceptable. It's not you, OP, it's him. If he was a reasonable person you wouldn't have to spilt up.

So I'm feeling bad this morning because he's in a nice patch. He's been being helpful and affectionate (and I guess it's not a good sign that it makes me flesh crawl when he touches me) and I'm still sitting here planning to leave. I suppose that if I view that rationally, his nice phrase is a good time to plan, when the arguments and tantrums aren't making the atmosphere worse.

I'm trying to think of where I can go. In terms of the kids, yes, I am reconciled to the fact that I have to show it's ok to leave. But I'm worried about the logistics. I can't take them with me. I have no transport abilities for a start, all their stuff is here, this is their home. I'm worried if he would take it out on them.

Why are you thinking you have to leave, rather than he has to?

I think there are more options here than you think OP. And it sounds like you leaving means leaving the children with him? Is that really what you want? What about what they would want?

Are you essentially living apart in the home?

Pretty much. I rely on him for lifts to work at the moment. I used to use the bus mostly, and he just did early morning or later evening lifts, but since Covid he makes a song and dance about doing it. We sleep in separate rooms, and he's mostly working from home when I'm at home so yes, living apart for the most part.

Yes, I had thought me leaving was the only option, and no, I dont want to leave my kids behind. But I'm not sure what other options there are when I am on minimum wage, have debts and he's not done anything overt. It's hard enough to get up the courage to get this far into thonkingbsbout leaving. I can't see a conversation in which I ask him to leave going well at all. I can't even get my head around how that would work.

But in all honesty, I know nothing about any of this. I never thought I'd get to this stage.

I'm no expert - I hope some experts come along soon - but I think the best thing to do is get some immediate legal advice. Don't leave until you do. And don't tell him you're doing it, either.
Is that possible?
I think if you are divorcing him there must be a way of you staying and him having to contribute to his children so the financial burden isn't all on you.
I'm glad you're posting OP. Hopefully you can get the support here to negotiate this.

Well done for making this brave decision. Please don’t leave your children though. You can end your relationship without leaving the kids.

Legally you can separate under one roof and apply for benefits as a single person. The entitled to website is supposed to be good for working out what if anything you may get having split up. Leaving DC behind can set a dangerous legal precident which could allow him to claim he is DCs main carer and get more time with DC and also destroys any argument around abuse and DC safety with him that might allow you to minimise his contact.

The fact you've been married 20 years would mean you would likely be entitled to spousal support should you require it and it'll be much more complicated than a couple who have, in the eyes of the law, had a relatively shorter marriage. I believe it's 13 years they class as a longer term marriage but don't quote me on that entirely as my divorce was some years ago now.

I would strongly advise you to seek legal advise ASAP. Most are able to offer telephone consultations and yes it may cost you but it'll be invaluable I promise.

Everything you describe about your relationship with him screams abuse to me so you are doing the right thing. What you are considering though is a massive decision and your biggest enemy will be fear of change, fear of the unknown. Fight against that. The unknown is always scary but don't lose sight of how miserable the known is. And the known is assured, the unknown will almost certainly work out a lot better than you worry it might.

Take your time though. You are in control of your future and there is no need to rush or make rash decisions. I think counselling would be good, not as a couple but for you on your own if you can find a way to do that. A good counsellor will not tell you what to do but they will coach you to make sense of your reality and navigate yourself through the various decisions you have to make. Also speak to a lawyer and start getting your head round what your rights and options are. Womens Aid would also be a good call. I suspect you might not feel they are appropriate for you because I'm guessing you don't yet fully appreciate how abusive your husband is but you are very much a victim IMO and deserving of their support.

Finally, you owe him nothing, never forget that. Do whatever you need to do to get what is best for you and best for your kids. Do not leave your kids with him because you are worried how he might react if you take them. Do not leave them with him because you worry they might blame you somehow or other. The only reason to leave them would be if you genuinely believe that is in their best interests and I personally struggle to see how that would be a fair conclusion to reach.

Take your time to do it right. Take all the advice and support you can get and change your life for the better.

Thanks. I guess I have a touch of tunnel vision that I've yet to lose after thinking I had to stay like this forever. He knows nothing about this consciously. As far as he's concerned, everything in the garden is rosy. He was talking the other night about fond memories and all the things he loves about our relationship.

I just kept quiet, because I'd just be starting a fight if I said "Well sure, we work well together because I keep my mouth shut when you're ranting about no one doing the washing up or throwing saucepans at people or kicking the dog in a temper, and I have given up trying to coax you round when I know the only thing that will work is for you to go to bed knowing that you'll wake in the morning pretending nothing has happened"

Bringing it up would be a bolt from the blue, I'm convinced he thinks everything is fine.

God, thank you so much for your advice. Genuinely.

He kicks the dog? Well there it is. He's prepared to be violent and take things out on the weak and innocent. You do not want to leave him with the children.
You can do this OP.

OP your husband is abusive, he hurts animals, shout and scares you all into shutting up. It will be so much better with him not in your life. I agree with everyone to get some advice on how to actually do this- from Women's Aid, and from a solicitor that can advise about how to stay in the family home. Please don't feel the solution is to leave the children with this man, it isn't and they will be very cross (at you) if you do this. You need to move as a group, you and the children, or stay where you are and get him out, but take advice on how to do this. Don't leave them with a shouty aggressive man who kicks animals.

No, you're right. I'm not going to leave the kids. I just honestly didn't think there was any other way of doing this.

He's never hit me. He shook me once but mostly it's sullen tempers, shouting and throwing things. Is that abusive? Sorry if I sound naive. Maybe I'm too close to it, it's just too normal to me.

Verbal and emotional abuse is just as damaging in terms of abuse and it’s not just you he is abusing, he is abusing your children as well. He hits the dog too, he by doing this is also showing you a threat that he can and will hit you if you do not further comply.

When you are indeed in the thick of it, it is hard to find a way out but this is really no life for your children or dog to be witnessing either. There is always a way out and I would again urge you to seek legal advice and contact Women’s Aid ASAP. Men like this can take an awful long time, years even, to recover from and the Freedom Programme would also be of great benefit to you as well. Knowledge here also is power.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Would you want this type of marriage for them, no you would not. It’s not good enough for you either.

Thanks. I've been looking at the CAB website. I don't know how I'm going to phone Women's Aid. I don't know how he'd react if he heard me, and he's always here now. Sorry, I sound pathetic and needy. Trying to get my head together.

Can you go for a walk to phone Women's Aid? Go to the supermarket or on any non-suspicious trip and sit in the car and phone them?

You don't sound pathetic. And we're here to help.