I've decided to leave.

[TomBurkesChestHairBrush]

Been married 20 years. I've been unwell for a long portion of it, with pregnancy related disabilities (now recovered) and a mental health issue triggered by a groping incident from a friend of my husband. It was ok while I was meekly being looked after, as a rather pathetic victim, and he was the very brave husband who had to look after an ill wife.

Since I've begun to recover, over the last five years, his resentment and frustration has grown at seeing me flourish as I've returned to work, lost weight, become much more confident and made friends. He's intensely difficult to live with - I'm not a paragon of virtue, but I don't shift my mood within seconds so that no one knows whether I'm going to be sullen and moody or sweetness and light. I'm consistently on edge whenever I hear him, because I'm trying to discern if he's slamming doors or being calm and happy, as I'll need to tailor my tone accordingly.

Trying to deal with this over the past few years has sapped any desire I ever had to try and work at it, and I'm done. I have been sleeping in the spare room for ages. I know he'll want counselling, but every time I've tried to have a conversation with him about anything, he just gets defensive. He puts on a great show for everyone outside the family, so I know he'd make all the right noises in any counselling session, would probably insist on Christian counselling because he's a church goer, and I know the pressure would fall back on me to acquiesce.

And honestly, I am a bit scared. He's being amenable at the moment, because I've been keeping myself to myself, so he's decided to start ironing (with much fanfare, of course) and he keeps popping into work at the end of my shift, and it just feels like he's ramping up the positive attention because he senses something. I know that at any moment it will abruptly stop and there'll be an incident of temper.

Anyway, point is, I am sick of being unhappy. I am weary of living like this. So I've spoken to a friend, finally, about how awful things have been, and we've been talking about what I need to do.

But I'd really appreciate a hand hold, and any advice would be welcome. This has been a long time coming and I'm not sure how I feel.

He's never hit me. He shook me once but mostly it's sullen tempers, shouting and throwing things. Is that abusive? Sorry if I sound naive.

You're not naive. It is extremely common for victims to be confused about whether they are being abused when there is no actual physical violence. Emotional abuse is however every bit as damaging, invariably more so, than physical abuse. The mind takes a lot longer to heal than flesh or bone.

Think about how you feel, how he has trained you to feel. You are scared of how he might react when you do or say something that he arbitrarily decides is unacceptable to him. You have been conditioned to avoid doing anything that might upset him, regardless of whether his upset is remotely reasonable. You are unable to be yourself, to think and act with free will, in case you trigger him. Except, you are not triggering him. He is choosing to trigger himself, to indulge in displays of temper and aggression, verbal abuse or an uncomfortable atmosphere to force his will on you. It is all about domination and control and he doesn't care that it is sucking every ounce of joy out of your life. You are an abuse victim and you and your kids (and the poor dog) deserve so much better. He will not change. He might tone down his behaviour if he senses he has gone too far and risks you trying to break free. He may play the nice guy for a spell just to keep you where he wants you but he will not change permanently, they never do.

Can you pop out to Boots the chemist, many of their branches have consultation rooms that give access to domestic abuse services.

Have a look also at the thread at the top of this Relationships page.

Hope you're ok, @TomBurkesChestHairBrush.

Yes, sorry, dropped this for a few days as I had a name change fail that needed sorting.

And I fell into thinking it was ok again for a few days too. Then today he flew off the handle when I asked him to shh for like 30 seconds while I tried to hear something on the news, and he threw a tantrum and stormed out. Since he came back, he's been slamming doors and banging things down, and I know he's going to punish me at least for the rest of the day with sullen comments about the state of the house.

And I realized what was happening as I'm sitting here trying to write a menu so that I can try and placate him enough to make the house bearable until he does his mercurial mood shift and doesn't refer to any of this.

I'm so tired.

Can you think of a good excuse to leave the house for an hour? Dr, dentist excuse. He can't check up on those.
I think you would find an appointment with a solicitor would be very helpful. You are not committing to anything but would have some questions answered.
Armed with that knowledge, you could listen to his tantrums with a voice in your head saying, 'carry on you idiot, one day I will give you the shock of your life.'
I understand you cannot face him and say the words. Not yet. I have been scared too. I get that the thought of him being told to leave the house and him kicking off is so terrifying that you just cannot contemplate it. I was trained into submission and compliance through threats of violence. It took me years to get away. I had to save money and plan. I was lucky at the end. He had a affair and fell in love and I saw an opportunity and took it.
You have had some brave thoughts and those thoughts won't go now.
Is there a local library near you, my one has internet and computers and you could research divorce/jobs/renting etc without being traced or tracked. Unless you think he will follow you.
Very best of luck OP, you are a courageous and spirited woman.

And he's suddenly sweetness and light, making me cups of tea, and invading my space to affectionately stroke my shoulder, like literally nothing happened and he's besotted. I've got whiplash from the sudden change in mood.

I might be able to get out some time this week now lockdown has eased where we are.

So sorry that you are going through this. I had a similar experience, except that the police removed him. Throwing furniture and shaking you is DV, and it was treated as such by the police. He was then removed from the house, and could not return. I did not have to confront him to make him leave, when he refused. I was much, much happier after the end of the relationship. You could be too. Take care, and hand hold.

Is it normal to feel like three steps forward, two steps back? I've spoken to a small amount of RL friends, finally, and everyone is being very supportive. I was thinking I could hold out until the new year for practical reasons (read: I didn't want to ruin Christmas) but even if nothing moves forward Christmas is going to be awful anyway, especially as Dd confided in me that she feels responsible for managing his mood. I can't let this continue any longer can I? I can't stand him, so why do I feel like sobbing??

Hello OP. Yes of course it is normal to feel that way, especially when you're still in that environment.

You need to leave for you and the sake of your children. I'll be honest with you OP, my childhood was spent with my mum, myself and my brother walking on eggshells because of my dad. The disrespect he showed to my mum by talking down to her, flying off the handle. I ended up in a similar relationship myself as an adult and was in that relationship for 7 years. I realised it was because my parents marriage was presented to me as the norm and this is how it is. God how I wished they broken up.

But I'm saying this because it does scar you as a child and you carry it into adulthood. I wish so much my mum set an example to me and left him. Your children need you to set the bar.

He's left until late tomorrow on a trip. I've been at work. Was hoping to phone WA today, but the kids are home from school now. I'll get up tomorrow morning and phone then. I'm going to get a bag together with important documents just in case I need to leave quickly, depending on what I decide to do after taking some advice.

Sorry, I can't stop crying. I'm just in bits suddenly. This is the first time in months that I've had any time alone in the house, and I've realized it is the first time I've been able to relax, because he's not here.

OP, you are braver than you think: you have already taken the first step to freedom by realising that you need to leave (or get him to leave).

You can do this.

Did you manage to contact Women's Aid?

Sending virtual and(and tissues, except there is no emoji for those. Come on, MNHQ.)

Thinking of you! You can do this, I'm currently in a refuge after leaving my EA husband. Posting on here and talking to women's aid gave me the strength to do it. My inbox is always open too x

You’re absolutely doing the right thing, OP. I spent my childhood walking on eggshells around a mercurial mother who held us hostage with her moods. Silent treatments were common and sometimes I’d say the wrong thing (whatever it was, who knows) resulting in her seeing red and chasing me around the flat. I’d barricade myself in my room convinced she’d give me a walloping if she got her hands on me. I can’t begin to tell you how stressful that home environment was and later on I developed an anxiety disorder.

Leave. Take your children AND the poor dog and leave.

Aspiring you've just flicked a lightbulb on for me. My mother was exactly the same. She did get physically abusive and it took me years to know that holding your daughter's head under the tap or pulling furniture on her was abuse. I've never done that to my kids, but I didn't think she abused me, I always just said I was a particularly provoking child.

I've only just realized that the managing moods thing was part of it too, which I suspect is part of why I have minimized and put up with it for so long.

Phoning women's aid in the morning, once the kids are at school.

@TomBurkesChestHairBrush

Aspiring you've just flicked a lightbulb on for me. My mother was exactly the same. She did get physically abusive and it took me years to know that holding your daughter's head under the tap or pulling furniture on her was abuse. I've never done that to my kids, but I didn't think she abused me, I always just said I was a particularly provoking child.

I've only just realized that the managing moods thing was part of it too, which I suspect is part of why I have minimized and put up with it for so long.

Phoning women's aid in the morning, once the kids are at school.

You’re absolutely amazing, OP, and we’re here to help you every step of the way 💐 When I was a child, I also thought there was something wrong with me since my own mother clearly had such little regard for me (and my dad had no massive interest in parenting). It wasn’t until I had therapy as an adult that I was able to unravel it all and the scales fell from my eyes.

I still have a way to go, though. Like you I find myself with a partner who’s mood swings and aggressive streak often remind me of my mother. “Funny” how we repeat the patterns from our childhood. I don’t walk on eggshells to the same extent I did as a child but I know that every so often he’s going to blow up about something. I can even identify the difference stages in the cycle from honeymoon phase, to erie calm to yelling/sulking/silent treatment.
Except for this, he’s a very good partner. Does more than his fair share of the housework and is very supportive of what I do. Still, I can’t handle the mood swings and his temper. I’m going back to my therapist next month and am making plans to leave in 2021.
You can do this, OP 💐